Pain. You think you can handle it or may for awhile, and then one day you can't.

[Jeetsun]

And when that happens you either find reasons to go on or you don't. That's where I'm at and I'm having a hell of a time trying to find any reasons. I'm about to turn 30 on the 5th. I have no career, I had a service based job that I hated and was getting screwed on pay for months on end. I thought I would have 2 months of pay coming my way based on commission and salary (pay is always a month behind as commission and sales have to be calculated once the month has ended), however, the company's policy is they don't pay out salary once you stop working for them, so all I have is one more commission check that won't pay any of my bills for the month and barely gets me by for two weeks. I thought I would have two months of salary to tide me over so I can find another job as I couldn't stand the problems with payroll, the terrible management and office politics any longer. I lept without having a back up plan, genius, I know.

 

I just recently filed for bankruptcy and had my meeting of creditors this past Thursday. Had to move in with my father about a year ago as a result of financial problems. I never really got along with my pops to begin with and after having lived with him for a year now, I can I honestly say I rather despise the person/character he is. Our relationship has always been strained, but getting a deeper look into the very shallow person that he is and his belittlement of me has always hampered any creativity or happiness that I would have in any present moment with the man, as if he's trying to make me as miserable as he is. I can't seem to find a reasonable place to live without starving in my general location. I don't have any friends to move in with either. I only have several true friends that I barely see due to opposite schedules. I was still looking for possible roommates, but the advertised rent I've come accross is still too high.

 

I had gotten out of a terrible relationship with a woman a year ago who I firmly believe to have NPD that really shattered my confidence, my trust and faith in humanity. I seem to have a sign on my back that attracts these types of individuals, as I have had some pretty bad experiences with women who are manipulative cheaters, but who knows, maybe I'm the nutter..

 

I've been in a university for the past 2 years working on a Business Management degree (seems versatile, because I have no ****ing idea as to what I want to do career wise). No goals or aspirations there other than the childhood fascinations of police work or becoming a firefighter, and have tried over the past several years in taking the exams, polygraphs, physical fitness tests, but have always been passed up as I have nothing on my resume that remotely stands out when applying for a position and competing against a thousand other people who have solid military or educational backgrounds and related experience. I was a straight A student until recently, now I just don't have the motivation and don't care anymore.

 

The things I use to enjoy I don't. I'm anxious, full of worry, and disappointment. I really haven't done anything with my life or myself. When constantly reminded of others success, and by comparison only seems to drive the nail in further. The only thing that has remotely kept me going for the past year or so has been working out, that's been my only outlet and something that I can actually see progression in. I've gotten very strong, lean, and muscular, but even the rush of endorphins and enjoyment I would get from consistently working out is starting to fade. Books/reading, long walks, archery, mixed martial arts, hiking, fishing, all of these activities I once enjoyed, I really no longer find any amusement in anymore.

 

I saw a therapist for a time about 10 months ago, but really couldn't afford it even with subsidized payment plans through the church I was going to. It didn't help all that much, and I saw about 4 different therapists. Somethings were brought to the table over a 4 month time frame which were helpful, but not entirely. Perhaps more time was needed, but is a moot point if you don't have the money to continue unraveling the weak structure that is my ego.

 

I'm in a very dark place right now and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

[jenkins115]

Yes, life is a fang-toothed critter and can bite real mean and hard.

 

When you started talking about your ex and how cruel and manipulative she seemed, I've always wondered if it had something to do with your father. We tend to date/befriend the people who resemble our parents/older siblings as they our are first models of human behaviour. Perhaps this is something to work with and think about. It's easy to generalize that all women are evil and rotten, but that's not so. I know I have a tendency of dating angry young men who struggle with their self-image, and it's usually revealed they had a pretty dysfunctional relationship with their father. So you see, we attract what we look for, what we know. I know angry men pretty well (my father's always been a surly, tight-fisted guy but ultimately loving and protective of me) and it's usually what I end up with. I think we can break these patterns, even though I have my moments of doubt about ever changing. So you're not alone in doubting yourself and the rest of the world.

 

As for losing your crummy job. That sucks. I do sympathize. It's hard to get a buck these days and I have a friend I write to who also has similar struggles. He's taken on a writing degree while he ekes a small living with temp jobs, but it is hard admittedly. I wish I had more advice here, but I'm pretty stumped when it comes to career matters myself. I honestly don't have much luck myself in that department.

 

I could say 'Chin up, keep swimming'... but they just seem like useless platitudes in the face of such problems. I'd say perhaps getting another job might be your outlet for now... a place from home and a chance to get some money to leave home too. Perhaps making a friend nearby might help too. Just a place to go too and unload and forget.

[Jeetsun]

You bring up some interesting insights jenkins, especially in regards to how my father might correlate with the unsavory women/people I've met or attracted in my life. It does make a great deal of sense to me in that perspective.

 

I think you're right, another job and to gtfo for awhile might be just what I need right now. Thanks for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated jenkins.