Roller Coaster

[Franmar]

I have been in a relationship for 5 years that is either wonderful beyond words, or a nightmare. The difference depends on his mood. If he has had a few drinks, he wants to debate and argue everything when sober he is very happy, giving and determined to do everything for me to make me happy. The behavior is completely opposite to the point where he is two people. When he drinks, he will bring up things that we had pleasant conversations about, but this time he is blaming and furious. For example on Friday he sent me an email asking if I ever thought about going camping some day at around noon. We work together, I came home before him. I made dinner and waited for him. He called and told me there was traffic now and he was stopping for a beer. He called me many times saying that the road was blocked off. It was, I saw it on the news. He called at 8 saying he was going the long way home and would be there soon. I dozed off and at 10 called him and asked where he was. He said still stuck in traffic. Then said he had been home for 2 hours. I asked why he has not come to the bedroom to say he was home and he said he wanted alone time. I saw him out on the step. He was drinking. I saw that he drank the rest of an almost full bottle of wine, plus what he had at the bar. Then he started picking at me. He said my dinners were lousy, and then he started screaming at me for not having worked out our camping plan. Then he said that someone had deliberately wrapped the cord of the iron around the leg of the ironing board a few days ago and it was to mess up his day....I told him to calm down and that he has been drinking...then he walked out...have not heard from him since. He has done this many times before, and then in a few days he comes back saying he is sorry. I do not think I can keep doing this..I make excuses to my kids about why he is yelling and then he shows up like nothing has happened. We never talk about it cause he would get mad and leave again. We are in our 50's with adult children. I am divorced, he has been separated for years. I have a home that he stays at most of the time, he rents a room in an old lady's house down the road that he runs to when he is mad but never goes there otherwise. Please offer suggestions. Thanks..

[Candyr]

I have had a similar situation. First I will start by saying it is not a good environment for your children to be in. Second the reason he keeps doing it is because you let him get away with it so many times. He is putting you down, blaming you, and creating a hostile environment. Some men will find any lil excuse to walk out, either to go back to drinking or to see another woman. you are no doormat!! He cannot continue to treat you this way, trust me it takes it's toll. You will only become angrier and your children will suffer. If you do not put a stop to it, it could get worse to the point of physical abuse. If you got to make up excuse to your children for the reasons he's yelling then you know it's not good. I say be strong stand your ground and make him change. The only way to do this is either kicking him out or moving out....

[Franmar]

Thank you for your kind reply. My children are actually grown, but they ask where he is and why he is not attending a holiday but then is at the next event. I do not want them to know everything. I am not sure what to do because he is a wonderful person when he is not drinking. I know that it is an illness to be an alcoholic, but he will not get any help. He never drinks during the week and so his job is not effected. He drinks on the weekends and then thinks that everything is suspicious or that secrets are kept from him. He repeats the same question over and over and also looses his phone, keys, wallet and then thinks that they have been hidden from him until he finds them again. They are usually in the car or the bathroom or which ever room he was just in. I know that I must end this because it is getting more and more frequent. In the beginning it happened a couple times a year, not it is a couple times a month. He just leaves after yelling, goes home and then a few days later comes back and there is no discussion. When I bring it up, he is polite and asks that we discuss it later. We never do. Then it happens again. He says he is sorry, and means it But I am so tired of it. He is so unpredictable now. This is so hard because he is a really nice person.