A question about "get them back strategies"

[skheehee]

What if I pushed her away too much after the break up? I was having my examinations and I wanted to focus on my papers first, then reconcile with her after all my papers have ended. However, she kept dropping me bread crumbs along the way, while I was having my papers, by texting me that she missed me and all. By then I had already blocked her on Facebook and even blocked her calls. I replied her texts, saying I missed her too and what-have-yous. She wanted to meet up a few times for dinner but I couldn't, cause I was busy focusing on my papers. Little did I know that she was dating other people and after a month, she got into a relationship with a guy she met in the club, a day after my last paper.

 

I did the usual, begging, pleading, but nothing fazed her. She said I didn't fight for her. And she said that whatever I have done in the past, she can never trust me again. I have to admit, I am not completely innocent. I flirted with a few girls behind her back, I stole glances at them when she was around, communication was bad, leading to even worse arguments.

 

She moved in with this new guy barely a week after they got together. I can see that they're happy together, and it's been a month since they first became official. I feel great sense of loss, and I want her to be part of my life again. She said she wanted me to be her friend, but I told her that it was not possible, for we had spent 3 special years together. Ive tried "LC" for the whole of June, asking her if she wanted to stay as friends and hang out, and at the last second, chickening out. God, I feel so childish and immature. Right now, I don't know what I should do. The last time I contacted her was 2 days ago. She's having the time of her life. I am not.

 

I was distant from her when I was doing my revision, and I think that gave her the opportunity to meet other guys who would shower her with comfort and appreciation when she was emotionally at an all time low. Is NC the way to go? Or am I just digging myself a deeper hole?

[octour]

Right now you are seen as a guy she can go right back to with no problem. You said yourself she is having the time of her life. And at the same time, she knows she can easily get you. Disappear. You know that's what you need to do, but it is hard. Everybody here has been there. You have to remove that option to go back to you. It's the only way she will miss you while she is having the time of her life. Make a life of your own and rise to the top.

[skheehee]

I committed so many mistakes in my relationship that I think I'd have to start a new thread if I were to list down everything I did wrong/think I did wrong. I guess this is the time where I change for the better, not for her, but for MYSELF. To be a better me. I just wish that she hadn't strung me along and led me on, thinking I stood another chance with her. We went through a lot together... A lot of highs, and a lot of lows. How could she have just given up and moved on in a span of 2 months?

 

She's all cold now and telling me that I deserve someone better, and that if I had really loved her, I wouldn't have done this or that. She said I should stop trying. She even told me about sex with her new guy. How can someone change so much in such a short time?

[Shake Spear]

Ouch, im sorry to hear that. I don't think anything is beyond repair if there is mutual love, but her seeing another guy makes things a lot muddier. On the other hand, you hear stuff like "He/she got his/her heart broken because he/she went back to his/her ex" all the time. Now i am not trying to give you false hope here. If you think it is a lost cause, then it probably is and you will do better by moving on

[skheehee]

I don't know how to put this but, are we just deluding ourselves into thinking that the next person who comes into our ex's lives is a rebound? How do we know if they still love or care for us? If things are moving really fast with the new person, ala whirlwind romance, is there a chance that this will eventually not work out? I think everyone here gets the feeling at one point or another, that their ex has already emotionally checked out from the previous relationship. That's what i feel right now. I don't wanna give up, but at the same time, I don't wanna lead myself on, clinging onto false hope.

[Shake Spear]

I don't know how to put this but, are we just deluding ourselves into thinking that the next person who comes into our ex's lives is a rebound? How do we know if they still love or care for us? If things are moving really fast with the new person, ala whirlwind romance, is there a chance that this will eventually not work out? I think everyone here gets the feeling at one point or another, that their ex has already emotionally checked out from the previous relationship. That's what i feel right now. I don't wanna give up, but at the same time, I don't wanna lead myself on, clinging onto false hope.

 

I think it depends on how fast it happens, and indeed if the dumper has checked out a long time ago. I really don't think that is the case here though. If she was giving you breadcrumbs only two months ago, i highly doubt she is totally over you, but i think she is hurt by you ignoring her. You should read the "Reverse psychology and rebound relationships" thread, especially Zorbas posts, some good stuff

[skheehee]

Mm, I've read his posts, but each relationship is unique. If ignoring her had hurt her to the point where she ran into the arms of another, is it a case of "too little too late" if I were to contact her (e.g. I've been in LC with her for the past month of June, of which this is also her first month with the new guy)?

 

Also, she mentioned that I didn't fight for her. In a way I didnt, as I was focusing on my papers for 2 months, of which, she kept dropping me those "breadcrumbs" and I foolishly followed my heart and played her game.

 

It's been 3 days since I last talked to her, under pressure from her mum. Her mum hates the new guy. Heck, her whole family hates the new guy. They want me to do something about it. The thing is, I know at the more I try to pull her back, the more she pushes me away. She even told me then, 3 days ago, that "it is over" and "you can stop trying".

 

I asked her if she still loved me (bad move on my part) and she was all cold and said that I shouldn't ask such a question. She said she wanted me in her life, as a friend, but I said I couldn't, as what we had was special, and I cannot be JUST A FRIEND. After that, she wished me good night and put down the phone, and I did the most stupid thing of all. I texted her and said that we could be friends, but not now, as I need to find myself again. She replied with an indifferent ok.

 

Thing is, I still love her, but I don't know what to do now. Moving on with my life is ok. Moving on from her, is a whole different story. What should I do? NC? LC? Be there for her? Disappear and rise from the ashes? I'm so confused.

[Shake Spear]

I am by no means any expert, heck, i am lovesick fool myself, but i think she is just as confused as you are.

 

Just back off for a while, she has to figure this out on her own.

 

But you said she claimed "you did not fight for her", was it you or her who did the dumping? If she dumped you and then expects you to "fight for her", and i don't mean to be rude, but in that case she is crazy

 

I broke NC with my ex this weekend, and even though it was just friendly "catching up", i feel pretty stupid right now

[skheehee]

Well, it was a mutual break. She even said that we should take a break from each other, but this turn of events leaves me so confused. Why string someone along and just casually cast them aside after they get together with someone new?

 

We used to have a pair of couple rings, and she even made me a drawing of me and her. When I first found out about her and this new guy, I was so heartbroken that I put these 2 items in an envelope, wrote her a letter saying how the past 3 years were the best years of my life, and that these 2 items were the most precious items that were from our relationship, and that it was hard looking at them without my heart crying out for her, and that she's found someone new, and I wished her all the best in her future and that it would be the last time she would hear from me(obviously, that did not work out). I dropped it off at her place. Maybe this pushed her over the edge. I think that was a moment of madness for me.

 

Is there any way that I can win her heart back, knowing that I gave up too easily? Maybe I was too drained from my examinations, maybe it was the stress from my financial problems. I would never know. All I can do is hope and pray.

[skheehee]

Yeah, I think she needs time to figure herself out on her own. I've tried to help her become a better person, but it seems like she doesn't want to change for the better. The saying goes, "You can't help those who do not want your help".

[Shake Spear]

I just read a fascinating e-book. It was written by a professional "Pick-up Artist". It wasn't specific about break-ups or how to get someone back, but had an own chapter about that subject.

 

Now, i don't mean to sound sexist, but (most) women are a lot more emotional than men, and their emotions play a much larger part in their decision making, that is why they are such a mystery to most guys. This guy, while he claimed to be only slightly above average looking, had great success with women because he knew them a lot better than most guys and he managed to appeal to their emotional side.

 

He wrote that in general; the 4 "biggest" traits that attract a woman are: Confidence, Security, Ambition and Purpose, while the 4 "biggest" things that repelled women was: Insecurity, Jealousy, "Pedestaling" and Neediness. When you first met your gal, you probably displayed one or more of these attractive traits, but somewhere down the line, you started displaying these unattractive traits, and thus, you ended up being dumped. Thats why so many "nice guys" ended up being dumped, because even if you treated her like a princess and were Gandhi and Santa combined , the girl still lost attraction to you.

 

He also denied that love was an absolute state, but he rather talked about "interest level" (or IL). When you first met, the girl had a high IL, and assuming the butterflies and infatuation blossomed into true love her IL went even higher. But, if you started to display unattractive traits, or did something horrible, like cheat or hit her, her IL would go down until it reached a critical point and she finally dumped you. The link between threshold for dumping and IL varied largely from woman to woman. Some woman stayed with their guys no matter what, others were like kids in a candy store and got into relationships and dumped guys left and right.

 

That was also the reason so many guys failed in getting their ex back, because when they were dumped; they panicked and displayed even more of these unattractive traits. So the girls IL went even lower, and in some cases, so low that the RS was beyond salvaging.

 

He also talked about NC, how it worked, and the real purpose. NC was NOT about getting someone back, it was about healing yourself (as many here have pointed out). Sure, disappearing could slightly increase the girls IL by making her curious and the fact that she missed you, but usually, it would not be enough to make her come running back. He did say that NC in most cases was a necessity though. Because unless you had nerves of steel, there was no way you could display attractive traits to your ex right after the break-up, even if you tried to, most girls could see right through it.

 

He also criticized a lot of the "get your ex back" advice that treats NC as some kind of magic bullet. This kind of advice would say stuff like: "Do NC for 1-2 months, then win her heart back." So if you did that, and still was recovering from the break-up when you started your big "win her back" crusade, you would still act out of neediness and desperation and all your hard work would be in vain. This was also the no.1 reason why so many reconciliations failed just after a few months. If you managed to win her back while in your "recovery" phase, things would soon fall apart because you just went back to the same RS that failed a few months before.

 

And the keys to winning your ex girlfriend back is

1) Heal, unless you are healed, you will most likely display unattractive traits and give her negative emotions

2) Display attractive traits

3) Give her positive emotions: Make her laugh, make her happy, make her feel appreciated (but DON'T worship her), make her feel sexy

4) Always make sure your latest interaction was a positive one. Give her positive emotions and then let them grow inside her. It also VERY important to give her space to let her process these emotions on her own. If you shower her with compliments and text her "i love you" 5 times a day, you will act needy and only hurt your cause. It's what "Pick up artists" call push-pull theory

5) Take your time, this is a marathon, not a sprint

6) NEVER ask for a second chance. Your job is to seduce her and make yourself attractive to her again. When she is ready, she will ask you.

7) Figure out why the first RS failed, discuss them with your GF and fix them, if not, you will be back to misery and heartbreak very soon.

8) There is no such thing as "One size fits all" for RS and RS-repair, you must figure out your own plan

 

I hope this is helpful. And to all you trying to get back your lost love Good luck

[Shake Spear]

Some other stuff i forgot to add, and might be helpful:

 

Jealousy: Some advice says that making your ex jealous is a good idea, but its a double-edged sword. Sure, hooking up with or dating some other girl can do wonders for your confidence, but don't try and make your ex jealous on purpose, like putting up pictures of yourself and some girl on facebook or getting into a rebound and then making sure she finds out. Actually, do your best to make sure she doesn't find out. So if you talk with her, don't say stuff like: "Yeah, i meet this cute girl blah blah". You may think it makes you look like a stud, but she will most likely think you are a loser.

 

If she is seeing someone You just have to ride out the storm here. Tell her you are happy for her and leave it at that. If you run into them, put on a big smile and say hi. Shake the guys hand, pat him on the back and say something like "careful she bites" and then walk away. Try and act with class and dignity, you can go home and bang your head against the wall later.

 

Friendship and the "Friend zone" healthy RS has to main components: Sexual attraction and friendship. When a RS ends; one or both of these have been reduced, and if you want to get your ex back, you have to rebuild both of them. Many people tell you that you can't be friends with an ex if you want them back, but according to this guy, thats false information. Assuming there ever was sexual attraction between you, it can be re-ignited and it rarely goes away completely. "Friend zoned" is just an expression, not some black hole you fall into if you are friendly to your ex. If you treat them with indifference or contempt, she will think you are a jerk and her IL will drop even lower. With that being said: Don't be TOO friendly, don't be their BFF. Be playful and a bit flirty, give her positive emotions and try to display attractive traits

 

Body language and "Kino": Kino stands for Kinesthetics or "The art of touching" and is among the most potent weapon "pick up artist" use to attract not just ex-girlfriends, but any woman. There is a lot to learn, so read up on it. According to this guy, it is powerful stuff and women are way more aware and receptive to it than us guys.

 

One last thing: Don't ask me where i found it. I downloaded it for free, and the first chapter in the book said "respect my copyright", and i already feel pretty guilt for spreading it here

[Tearsbegone]

Great stuff! Do you know if this would apply to getting back a male?

[Shake Spear]

Great stuff! Do you know if this would apply to getting back a male?

 

Hmm, we men are wired a bit different, but it is not like we are a different species all together

 

Stay friendly and positive, and if you hang out or run into him, try and look your best (Yeah, we men are shallow bastards aren't we), nothing wrong with flirting either. I don't know the guy you are after, but if he is like most guys, he likes "the chase", so read up on push/pull theory.

 

I remember one time i met a girl i casually dated a few times, nothing happened because i was not that into her. I met her on a party and she looked absolutely stunning, she flirted with me all night, and when she had me really riled up, she left. In the end, nothing happened, but by doing so she really got my heart pumping

[SushiOji]

My dillema is how do you know you are just being led on or if they are genuinely trying to get back together?

 

Its been 2 months since our breakup, I did the stupid thing by cheating on her (no sex though and the other girl is completely cut out of my life) and I've made changes showing her that I will never cheat again and was still doing things for her to show her how much she means to me.

 

The first month I did NC and then for the last month I did LC and she even hung out with me a couple times and we had a great time but she told me she would only want me as a friend. Well I still love her so I can't and won't do the friendship so I decided to do NC about 10 days ago in order to heal and move on.

 

However, ever since she has been contacting me in some form just about everyday and she even tried to bring me breakfast at the apartment today even though I wasnt there. Does this look like she is trying to start something up again or just trying to be my friend? Either way right now I am still doing NC for myself even though I still want her back.

[Shake Spear]

Hmm, since you "cheated" i think its a different game altogether. I think you need to show her you want her and really appreciate her

[WhatSetsUs]

Hmm, since you "cheated" i think its a different game altogether. I think you need to show her you want her and really appreciate her

 

I agree. Cheating (along with emotional, verbal, or physical abuse) falls into a special category in breakup causes and reconciliation requires a whole different approach than most other relationships. That being said, you're at an advantage since she doesn't seem to be so put off by what you did that she's cut you out of her life altogether. I think you should stick to NC (or at least NIC) and when the time is right begin (or continue) to show her that you're sorry for what you did and that you want another shot at the relationship.

 

Shake Spear, that was an interesting find on that e-book. Especially the idea that a relationship can be rebuilt using some form of casual friendship as the starting point to reconciliation. While I don't personally believe in being friends with an ex as a way to getting them back, I do think it could work for others.

[skheehee]

Hey, guess what? I have the same e-book too. I downloaded it illegally though.

 

Anyway, some of these "get your ex back" e books suggest that you initiate contact with your ex after a month of healing, some after you have TOTALLY healed, some even go so far as to suggest that you wait until your ex initiates contact. Though, all of them tell you the same thing. That in the conversation you have with your ex, you have to seem lively, cheerful, and sound as though you're perfectly fine with the break. They even suggest reconciliation through the guise of being friends e.g. Meeting up for a "get together", not a date, for some coffee, or lunch. The thing is, I do not see how this would work if they are already with someone else, in a full-on relationship. Maybe there are a lot of other factors involved, like through establishing open lines of communication with her as a "friend", she might be able to see that you've taken the time apart from her to change. On the other hand, she might just be reminded of all the bad or good things that happened in the pat relationship. Either way, it is really confusing on what to do, exactly.

[incomingfire]

My personal opinion, NC is a load of crap if you want to get back with someone.

 

NC is for gettin over them ASAP.

 

You need to talk to them in order to reverse the power balance. If you know she'll talk to you that is.

It's all about the cat and mouse theory, but you know this.

 

NC will just make them think "Good, they are gone, I can do what I like without being pestered or annoyed"

 

I believe there is a way, which I stumbled on by mistake. I think your best bet is to let her like you as a friend. See her a couple of times, as a friend.

Genuinely have a good time and DO NOT bring up anything about relationships, don't even think about the relationship you had.

 

Then lay on the following, when you meet on the 3rd or 4th time:

 

"I'm really sorry about this, I feel like an tool, but I can't be friends with you. You mean a lot to me and I can't be around you when you eventually meet someone else. I was kidding myself really, I can't see you anymore. I hope you understand"

 

That'll do it ;-)

(if it doesn't, nothing will)

[incomingfire]

Oh, and obviously give it a a few days to simmer. NC during those few days......if you hear nothing, then move on. Be satisfied that you took your friendship away from her in the same way she took away her love.

[skheehee]

Well, what if they're already with someone else? Won't your lingering presence just push them into the arms of their new "love"? I think the NC is for us to recollect ourselves and calm down, and think with our heads, not with our hearts. The worse thing we can do is to rush into the salvation of a relationship, because our emotions will take over and we will say or do things that we don't intend to.

 

P.S. A few mutual friends of ours tell me that she left me, for ME. This guy works out, wears t shirts and jeans... I think she'll start to compare pretty soon. It's just a month that they've been together(she moved in with him a few days after they made the relationship official, due to some argument she had with her mum) and she says she's happy with him. They've even started posting "I love you"s on Facebook. Moving too fast? Only time will tell.

 

In the meantime, im working on me.

[incomingfire]

If they have a new love.....forget it. Move on. NC for you, it's her loss pal.

[Shake Spear]

Yeah, i think sticking around while they are with someone else is usually a bad idea.

 

When it comes to "friends vs. NC" in a "trying to win them back" scenario, i have seen good arguments for both, and i guess both can work depending on the case. And it doesent have to be one or the other either. Anyways, you can read all the e-books and guides you want, they are what they are, but if you don't use your own head aswell, i would say they are just as useful as t!ts on a bull

[skheehee]

NC is the way to go then, I guess. Sooner or later, she'll realize the mistake she made in stringing me along like a puppet and toying with my heart strings so heartlessly. I'm a better man than this p**** she's with and she will regret her decision in the future. I still love her, don't get me wrong. She just needs to wake up from her fantasy world ON HER OWN. Only time will tell if this stubborn, impulsive, verbally abusive ex girlfriend of mine will learn one of life's greatest lessons. That nothing stays the same forever.

[SushiOji]

I just wish I knew what approach to take since this is a special circumstance. Right now I feel like she is trying to get over what I did and still loves me very much. I don't know if being there for her and starting even as friends would be the right thing to do as I continue to do NIC. Has anyone had experience in this?