Moving on, but very sad

[mellybj]

Hello everyone!

I'm back again and this should be my final post. I will briefly share my story. I have been with my husband for 5 years and married to him for about 2 years. We have a 3 year old daughter together. Things were wonderful in the beginning, but, that soon ended shortly after we married. He has a house in the country, so after we were married we moved in with him. I have to say a lot of things happened when we moved in. he treated me very badly, emotionally and then it escalated to physical abuse. He put his hands around my neck, kicked our daughter when she threw a toy at him, and the final incident was him slapping me in front of our daughter and pushing me in the closet. Well, that is all she remembers. We are both in counseling. I had got a restraining order in December and I filed a full custody petition. This past week he was sentenced to jail for 90 days and the Judge extended the restraining order for up to 5 years. I do have sole custody of my daughter. Me and him are allowed to talk on the phone, e-mail, and mail each other letters. I still love my husband and i believe he does want to change. I know that it is going to take a long time. He has a pretty bad history, domestic violence, and 2 felonies. I guess that is why the judge is being a little extreme. My daughter and I are at the house right now. When he gets out he needs to come home. Obviously, we can't be here. He really thinks we can work this out if we start the process of marriage counseling and he has to go to counseling with our daughter. the Judge said he can modify this for those circumstances. I know I have to leave with my daughter in the next few months. I really do love him and it does hurt so much. My questions is should I just leave with our daughter and not tell him, should i tell him on the phone, or should i write him a letter? He thinks we are going to get back together. It's hard for me to tell him b/c i love him and care for him. I know i am pretty stupid, but i am human. The other reason is that I am afraid to tell him. I would appreciate any advice.

[bluewaters]

Sometimes loving and caring for someone means giving them "tough love" - but your first move right now should be to protect your daughter and yourself. Marriage counseling isn't what you need right now - counseling for him *is*. He needs to get to the root of his anger issue before he can try to rebuild a relationship. You need to stay away until he can provide you documented and demonstrated proof that he is trying to change and changing, and getting help for himself. As for telling him, I'd tell him on the phone. Just say, I'm taking (daughter) and moving out. I would not tell him where you're going, either - and make sure you have an airtight restraining order. Tell him you can't get back together with him until he shows you that he's getting help and it's working. Be strong for your daughter and for your own self-preservation. Stand up to him and let him know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not stand for his abuse any longer. Good luck to you

[mellybj]

Thank you for the advice! It really helps. I have been so sad for the last few days and then he called today. He kept telling me that I need to find a marriage counselor, so when he gets out he can some back home. He just doesn't understand that the Judge is not going to let that happen. The restraining order is stay away from me and our daughter. I think that is my problem he has always controlled me and i never stand up to him.

[bluewaters]

Good luck sweetie--definitely stand up to him. You mentioned that your daughter is a toddler, and she's at the age where they start to pick up on literally everything--especially relationships. Discord will affect her even though you might not realize it at first, and seeing him mistreat you is going to affect how she allows men to treat her when she grows up. Protect yourselves first. Make sure he knows the onus is on him to get it together, and only then can you think about being with him. I hate this is happening to you but if you stay strong you will not only stay safe but also keep your self-worth and self-esteem intact.

[bluewaters]

PS: I should mention that it's much easier said than done. (i.e. easy for me to say) if you have family on your side (not his family), or a really good group of protective friends, etc., that would be ideal. You need somewhere to go in an emergency and someone to look after you as well....just to check in & see if you and your little one are OK.