Ouch that hurt

[kennyc90]

So I just recently met this girl in which I think has good potential. We often text each other every day. She would usually text me first to see how I'm doing or whatever. She's been asking me a lot about my general past and etc. She's been asking me to send her a picture of me through phone every night. She also wanted to know the story of how I broke up with my ex, and I told her how it all happened. Then I told her that I wanted to know a little more about her. Out of nowhere she came back with a "I kinda like someone else." After she told me that then she asked me if it's wrong that she wants to get to still know me. I asked her why she didn't tell me in the beginning and didn't get a reply yet. I straight up told her that it hurt she sort of lead me on. I didn't want to put a guilt trip on her and told her to just forget about it all and pretend like she never told me anything. I answered her earlier question and told her sure it's okay to get to know me still since she's not committed into anything. That might have been the wrong thing to tell her.

 

See I'm not sure if she's using me as a "second base" guy in case the guy she "kinda likes" doesn't work out. I've seen that happen on a lot of people, actually. I kinda do and kinda don't want to be that second base guy. I barely know her, but I really do not want to throw away a potential relationship. It's been a long time since I felt a glow like this so I'm willing to still be around to see what happens.

 

Inputs??

[pippy longstocking]

my first thought was

 

 

she is keeping you on standby incase it doesn't work out with the other guy ..

 

after that amazing post you wrote in your old thread...you know you deserve more than this ...no ones second choice hey

[kennyc90]

my first thought was

 

 

she is keeping you on standby incase it doesn't work out with the other guy ..

 

after that amazing post you wrote in your old thread...you know you deserve more than this ...no ones second choice hey

Yeah, I agree with you. I don't deserve this crap, lol. I'm curious to know what others think.

[pippy longstocking]

yeah me too

 

it is good to see different angles as we all have a different perspective

[kennyc90]

What I really do not understand is why she bothers to flirt with me when she's already seeing someone else. Why do women like to play these mind games?

[pippy longstocking]

I really do not want to throw away a potential relationship. It's been a long time since I felt a glow like this so I'm willing to still be around to see what happens.

 

 

imo

 

if it is a potential relationship then surely she will have more respect and want to pursue you if you dont allow yourself to be second choice .

 

but ..it is of course up to you

[pippy longstocking]

What I really do not understand is why she bothers to flirt with me when she's already seeing someone else. Why do women like to play these mind games?

 

oh is she actually seeing him ...

 

 

it's attention ...pure and simple ..attention , having a back up plan ....she must feel fabulous having it from all sides

[kennyc90]

imo

 

if it is a potential relationship then surely she will have more respect and want to puruse you if you dont allow yourself to be second choice .

 

but ..it is of course up to you

So you think I should just back off and give her space and not interfere? Because I have a feeling she's going to still be texting me still. How do I respond to her texts now that she told me all bad news? I just don't want to put a guilt trip on her...

[kennyc90]

oh is she actually seeing him ...

 

 

it's attention ...pure and simple ..attention , having a back up plan ....she must feel fabulous having it from all sides

Backup plan...so if I take that away from her then what happens? Will she simply find a new person to talk to?

[pippy longstocking]

again ..just what I myself would do is ...

 

I would tell her that while she is involved with someone else you would rather not get cought up in it ...

 

I am not saying this will happen ,so please read my words with an open mind ..but as human nature goes ... it's the one we can;t quite get that we think about more ...

 

she is clearly not that into him either or this wouldn't be happening with you ...

[pippy longstocking]

Backup plan...so if I take that away from her then what happens? Will she simply find a new person to talk to?

 

yeah sure she might

 

but honestly ..if she did ...this lady is just a player and you can;t have been worth that much anyway ..

[kennyc90]

again ..just what I myself would do is ...

 

I would tell her that while she is involved with someone else you would rather not get cought up in it ...

 

I am not saying this will happen ,so please read my words with an open mind ..but as human nature goes ... it's the one we can;t quite get that we think about more ...

 

she is clearly not that into him either or this wouldn't be happening with you ...

I like the idea, and it's probably the best thing to do. Should I straight up tell her that I'm going to back off or show it?

[pippy longstocking]

yeah tell her ... can't beat a bit of honesty , it says more about you than you can imagine ..your not playing , your just saying !

[laura-j]

To OP, have you and this girl had anything physical between you? She might honestly just think of you as a friend and has the whole time. I had a really good friend/roommate in college thought I had feelings for him that I did not. I had a boyfriend the whole time I knew him, that he knew of and well. I just thought we were friends, and it was a lot more in his mind. That didn't make me a player, I acted the same way I do with all my friends, checking in, joking around, terms of endearment, hugs, he knew this all about me, he lived and saw me with all my friends. But read what he wanted to see. It ended up hurting him a lot, but I honestly didn't do anything to lead him on.

 

So you might want to tell her how you feel just to clear it up, before you get too far down the line, this guy was all crazy about me for about a year unbeknownst to me, then got REALLY mad that I wasn't crazy about him, never said I was, never kissed him even. Unfortunately we couldn't be friends after that, because he said really horrible things to me.

 

Be careful with your heart.

[Thorshammer]

She was honest from the get-go, she gets my stamp approval. A "catch" will have options, its part of the dating world brcause shes dating.. she has every right to do that, a relationship is a commitment and a process (and a process of elimination), you need thick skin and confidence and always keep in mind that its a competetition. I know it would be special to be her only one at the momment, but that is circumstantial only, unless she has grown to know you enough to trust and want you enough to risk it all.

 

I have beat out a lot of men for most of my ex's, and for those who claimed they were in solitude before me- i still believed they had some guy hanging on somewhere. I dont ask or tell, but once we pass each other rs titles, then thats when i know i knocked a few man out the podium.

[PJK]

You probably shouldn't have revealed so much about your past relationships...if you divulge everything she's wants to know (especially via text) then there's nothing to keep her interested. Also it kinds shows you're a bit of a pushover. Maybe she's looking for a guy who's more of a challenge or one she'll have to chase.

[kennyc90]

You probably shouldn't have revealed so much about your past relationships...if you divulge everything she's wants to know (especially via text) then there's nothing to keep her interested. Also it kinds shows you're a bit of a pushover. Maybe she's looking for a guy who's more of a challenge or one she'll have to chase.

I agree with you. It was my screw up and won't happen again in the future.

[kennyc90]

*UPDATE*

 

She apologies she lead me on and ask if she still wanted to be my FRIEND. Hahaha wait, HOLD ON!! I've been in this situation before. The last girl I walked away from and glad I did because she ended up still being with that guy and they're happy together. I'm going to do the same except that I'm going to still be her friend but remain in the shadows.

 

Here's how part of the conversation went. It's not exact since it was over the phone but very similar.

 

 

Me: "Don't expect me to talk to you the way I have been doing before. I'm not here to compete with anyone to "win" you. I want to earn your trust before anything. So I'm going to back off from you just a little and let you do your thing with the other person. I don't want to be too comfortable with just being friends unless I change my mind about you."

 

Her: "Okay

 

Me: "Do you really want to be my friend or you just don't want to push me away? Be honest..."

 

Her: "I would really like to be your friend."

 

Me: "Why do you want to still be my friend? Give me a good reason."

 

Her "................................................I can't. Should there be a good reason to be friends with someone? If you don't want to then that's fine."

 

Me: "There is always a reason behind everything. You could've left me a long time ago. You decided to text me back when I gave you my phone number after meeting you the first time. You wanted to get to know about me and the reasons I broke up with my ex. These are just examples."

 

Her: "I want to get to know you. I like you. I like your personality. I don't want to just stop talking to you."

 

Me: "Okay, let's continue to be friends but like I said I'm going to take a few steps back from you. It's for the better."

 

Her: "Why? How is it for the better?

 

Me: "Trust me XXXXX. Hey I have to go, okay? I'll talk to you later!"

 

Her: "Tell meeeeeee....... *sigh* okay.."

 

 

That was the first time I acted very "direct" towards her. Usually I'm always happy and joke around all the time with her. I hope she knows that I'm being serious with everything I told her. I'm not going to initiate anymore conversations with her. She can call me but I'm not calling or even texting her simple things anymore like I used to. NIC again baby just like old times! Woohoo!! Hahaha jk!

[kennyc90]

I'll start where I left off at.

 

Long story short. I backed myself off of her. I began to meet other girls and see what other options there are. I didn't initiate any text messages or calls to her (NIC). I didn't think about her that much because I got really busy with work, and I really just took care of myself. Then she started texting me a lot out of nowhere. She was acting really silly at first and I kinda just brushed her off and always acted like I was busy (which I actually was most of the time). She eventually asked to go on a date with me. I accepted and took her to La Jolla beach here in San Diego. We also went to this big hill where you could see all of San Diego. She had a lot of fun with me. I got to know her pretty well that day. Ever since then, she's been wanting to see me more often. I would love to get to see her more, but I've legitimately been really busy lately. Not fun at all.

 

I knew all along that this girl had some sort of potential. The day she said she "kinda liked" another guy, I totally did a 180 spin on her and now got her hooked on to me. I didn't plan it to be like this. I do like this girl though. She really wants to see me more often as I do with her. I just wish I had more free time to spend with her. I'm going on a lunch date with her on Monday. Weird how things just work out.

[Lansing]

Good to hear but be careful... Sounds like you are the backup plan. The guy she wanted didn't turn out (either he wasn't interested, or she got to know him and didn't like him anymore). Don't pay for her, etc. If you aren't kissing/making out/etc these aren't "dates"... it is just people hanging out. If you are paying for her, she could be taking advantage of you knowing that you like her still.