My girfriend and I broke up after two years- I am lost

[MattTheStudent]

My girlfriend of two years and I broke up after a huge fight last week. I came over to her place(where I have been spending most of my time- she says she likes to have me there) after school and we were both in a bad mood. We started yelling at each otehr, for no particular reason- just both pretty angry and not expressing it constructively. I was going to leave and then I decided I didn't want to because I was in the midst of a panic attack and I really didn't want to be at my house alone. So then she said she was gonna leave and I said ok. She went to take the computer cables out so I couldn't use the computer when she was gone. I grabbed her by the shoulders and she turned around and clawed my face up. Then she went out to my car and grabbed my baseball bat, threatening to break my windows, and then she even kinda threatened me with it. I grabbed it out of her hands and she fell down in the process. That really upset me because I felt like she was just being dramatic. This fight kept going for a little while until she finally left. I am disgusted with myself- I was abused alot when I was younger and when we got into that fight, I just felt exactly like I did when my parents would abuse me. I didn't wanna leave her place and she asked me to, but I was so scared during that episode- I feel unsafe with myself when I feel like that. Anyway, she said she doesn't want to talk to me anymore and she called my friends and asked them to call me, saying that I probably need a friend to talk to. We've gotten in similar fights before, but never as bad as that. I lost control and now I hate myself for it. I go from feeling alright about the breakup to being completely heartbroken. I want to break down and call her but I am trying as hard as I can to respect her wishes for me not to contact her. I don't know what to do- my brother told me that I just need to take care of myself for a little while, and I won't be able to see a therapist for at two weeks, so I am in a really tough spot right now. I have been with her ever since I moved here, ever since I quit drinking alot and doing drugs, and I feel lost. I didn't quit for her, but I quit shortly before we met. I had invested so much of myself in that relationship and I know she had too, but in my heart I knew it needed alot of work that neither of us have been doing recently. Anyway, one reason this is so hard is because today marks the two year anniversary of my suicide attempt. I am so sad and confused and a mix of all sorts of emotions right now. I feel very unsafe and I don't know what to do. All the times before we got back together pretty quickly and usually things are good, but when we fight it's bad. I hate to say this, but I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Logically speaking I know I'll be fine but my emotions keep hurting inside. I've been going to Cambridge every night to hang out with my sister but I live like 1.5 hours away from Boston so the drive to school every morning from Boston is getting old. I feel so lost. Please give any advice you can. By the way, I'm 22 and I am in college. Thank you.

[hockeyboy]

first of all...calm down and try to take deep breaths. everything will be fine, your in a rough spot but life is like a rollercoaster...up and down. you just gotta fight through the down spots because you gotta know it will go back up.

 

lets start w/ this....have you talked to her since the fight?

[MattTheStudent]

I have emailed her twice- once to ask me if she wanted me to walk her dog while she was at work, and once to offer her my sympathy- her grandmother was in the hospital and came close to dying. She said, thank you, Matt, but at this time I can not look to you for anything right now. She also said she was not ready for me to be at her house. I called her the other day but hung up after half a ring, realizing I shouldn't bug her. She saw my number on the caller ID and called my brother and told him to tell me not to call her.

[hockeyboy]

I would give it some time to let things cool down. Our natual reaction after a fight like that is to keep persisting, showing that we are right and they are wrong. You've seemed to control yourself better then most people, thats good. I would give it a little time and then talk to her...it sounds like if you two have been together for that long that your feelings for eachother are not going to simply disappear. So don't be so worried...giving eachother some space is the best for both of you.