Filled with regret about the things I did to her

[bpm103]

She ended it 3 days ago after 4 years. 4 years during which I lied, cheated, and robbed her of consistent happiness. We had many great times, hardly ever fought, enjoyed the same things, shared similar values, and communicated well. My issues ruined the relationship because I was too envious, lustful, gluttonous, prideful, etc. I was/am flawed and I wanted her imperfections fixed so I could love myself. When those imperfections bothered me I was unfaithful and dishonest. I hate who I was!

 

Near the end I made the decision that I was going to accept her 100% for who she is and that I was going to stop being so selfish. I had a plan and I still am following it despite our break up because I want to change as a person. But it's funny how as soon as I decide to committ to her and us, she feels different. She fought for us for so long. When I start fighting really hard she leaves. Definitely a sign that I need to doing some serious growing ON MY OWN before I can be a good partner.

 

I don't blame her - she has been through a lot because of me and why would she believe I am going to change now after so many failed attempts in the past? I'm just having a really tough time... she is such a wonderful person. I tried to make a list of things I don't like about her and the list is all of the things that I had finally overcome. I didn't care that her house was always a mess because she has a daughter that never picks up after herself. I knew that if we were together we could be a good team together and find a happy medium.

 

I am not contacting her because I want to give her space to recover. As much as I miss her I cannot be selfish anymore. We don't live close to each other anymore either so I'm dealing with trying to accept that it's really over. I know she still loves me. I still love her deeply. For the first time I am going to be a man though, and think of her first.

 

One last thing... when she called and told me that she couldn't go on she was sobbing. She texted me later that night and told me that she loved me very much and she didn't know what was going on with herself. When she broke it off on the phone I simply said I understood and I just want her to be happy. It hurt like hell but I was not going to argue with her. I was not going to let my emotions take over because I didn't want to make it hard. I never replied to her text either. I have been pondering if I handled it right, even though I know I did. I just hope she knows how much I care about her. I don't want her to think for one second that I am not feeling emense pain from losing her

[mhowe]

You did the right thing. Talking about the past and the hurt is a disservice to both of you and prevents the healing. Stay strong.

[OutdoorsyDi]

Hi bpm103:

 

"I lied, cheated, and robbed her of consistent happiness. We had many great times, hardly ever fought, enjoyed the same things, shared similar values, and communicated well. My issues ruined the relationship because I was too envious, lustful, gluttonous, prideful, etc. I was/am flawed and I wanted her imperfections fixed so I could love myself. When those imperfections bothered me I was unfaithful and dishonest. I hate who I was! "

 

What I wouldn't have given to hear that must honesty (and acceptance of responsibility) from my ex! I applaud your ability to acknowledge her feelings and pain as well as your own. I wish you well! D