As I feel my "rationality" returning, I slowly realize how crazy I mustve looked

[sonicfan287]

Its kind of sad but kind of enlightening, that the further my healing goes on, the more I can see things as they really were... but I think the saddest part (besides losing her, possibly forever) is that when I look at myself now from an outsiders perspective, I look absolutely stinking CRAZY. I'm not even trying to joke but so many things I said or did, during our relationship, at the end of our relationship, during our times apart... absolutely crap.

 

In case I haven't told these stories before, basically my girlfriend and I first got together in 2009, only lasted 6 months, broke up in Summer 2010 and then attempted to be friends. I could've just taken this and moved on, but NOOO... I had to stop and give her dramatic speech after dramatic speech about why we should stay together... I treated this like it was some kind of sappy romantic movie... I kid you not. I asked her if we could kiss one more time to see if the "magic was still there". She didn't flat out say no but instead gave me a very weird "we'll see" kind of answer which was very decieving on her part since she wanted no part of it but in my craziness I was like "there's hope! hooray!"

 

After being broken up for 4+ months in 2010, I was just about at the end of my rope and like "yknow what? Ive wasted all this time and given all these speeches". I even did this really weird thing when I thought I was leaving her house for the last time in October 2010. I looked back and gave a salute.... as if I was leaving this "hallowed ground". Seriously?! Even I'M just like "what's wrong with me?"

 

But seriously... after all this and figuring I wasted my time... I get a text from her in November 2010... I get to her house and I have NO idea what to think. I mean, yes, I thought she wanted to get back together but she had done this before with her ambiguous, "hey, lets hang out" texts and then nothing happens and I get my hopes shattered again. So this time, I just showed up, acted casual and tried to stay as silent as possible while still talking. No drama, no nothing... I figure this meant NOTHING to her, so why should it mean something to me? Then she opens her mouth and says something like "Ive been thinking about things, and when I think about what we did together and what we had together, I can't figure out WHY in the world I ended things..."

 

Basically, she gave ME her own DRAMATIC SPEECH. In my head Im ecstatic, I'm like "Holy crap, not only does she want to get back together but this DOES mean enough to her to give me a long dramatic speech in the style of what I'd do" So before she even finished her speech, I grabbed her, kissed her and I'm like just thinking "roll the end credits now please..."

 

Well, for the majority of our 2nd time together, she was pretty much like this, giving me hope that this was going to last. Not so dramatic obviously but just doing the little sappy things I'd do and we'd do it back and forth and shared a lot more significant meories together and grew as people. So we broke up... again... Summer 2011, but this was a short break. We were broken up about 2 weeks, and because I handled it much better (kind of saw it coming), I was able to get in touch with her 2 weeks later because I hadn't wasted time on dramatic speeches but still kept my tone serious and that I wanted to try again... so... strangely enough, we did. She admitted she missed me in a phone call at about 11 pm and I came over her house at midnight and snuck into her room while her mom was sleeping upstairs (something else that made me think of a sappy movie scene)

 

When I got there, I told her to close her eyes and hold out her hand. She did and I put this rubber heart stress ball thing in her hand and said "this is my heart, please only accept it if you want me back" and she did, by squeezing it (then I faked a heart attack as a joke lol). So we're back together. Its obviously not all rainbows and butterflies but it's still going well. It gets more serious as I meet her distant family for christmas and we sleep together on new years eve/day and yeah, basically, I'm convinced now. We have this serious, committed relationship, we survived 2 breakups, we loved each other. She said it on her own without me pressuring her. I had said "I love you" to her for a while but she wouldn't return it so I dropped it because I felt like I was pressuring it, so one night (this was probably winter 2011), she stopped me from leaving and said "hey... I love you... for real" and I smiled and said "yeah?" and she did, so this wasn't easy to get out of her. She's not always someone who wears her emotions on her sleeve so for her to say it on her own meant a TON... and made it hurt a TON more when she ended it in March 2012.

 

Basically, my point is... none of this meant anything to her... I'm back to where I was that summer 2 years ago... sitting here wonder WHY I WASTED THE STINKING TIME... but even worse. Now when I look back on it and I think like a rational person... some of the things I said and did and the ways I acted during our breakups aren't what NORMAL PEOPLE DO when they break up with one of their first girlfriends at the age of 21 (which is how old I was the first time). I'm 23 now and feel like I LEARNED NOTHING from that because I got back with her twice and yes, would probably get back with her again had she not slammed me out of her life which at the time seemed like the * * * * * iest move ever but now that I'm "sane" again, I can see why... because I would've NEVER LEFT HER ALONE... what is WRONG with me? Or what WAS wrong with me?

 

The thing that pisses me off is that if I had handled this last breakup better and not gotten so crazy, she might've left the door open in the future but again... dramatic speeches, a bunch of crap that meant nothing to anyone besides me... and in the grand scheme of things, its all "just another relationship". I'm not quite to THAT point yet... I still see it as 'special' but not as special as it once was and the fact that to her it was just another random guy who fell in love with her really hurts, even though I can now rationalize it because I'm out of my "crazy in love" phase but I'm almost ashamed now... like I'm trying to picture how I'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I had an ex-gf who called me constantly and gave me dramatic speeches and tried to get back with me and I wasn't interested... I don't know. I guess technically I could relate since I'm the same way but to her... god damn it, what a loon I was.

 

Now I'm like "I could probably call her now and not make an ass of myself but it's too late..."

 

At least I've learned, I guess... I don't really know the point of this... but I just needed to let it all out. I'm tired of tricking myself into thinking this was the greatest relationship ever... noone even LIKED HER... none of my friends, my parents hate her... I was the ONLY ONE who defended her and I still do, and she's gone... she was even losing friends because of her own flakiness and when she'd be upset about it to me when we were dating I'd say "eh, it's their loss" but maybe THEY were right to leave her, I don't know...

 

I guess if there's ANYTHING to be taken out of my long wall of text, it's just this... seriously, be careful what you do just after a breakup with an ex. I know how tempting it is... I know you think your ex is different than EVERY OTHER EX IN THE HISTORY OF EXES, trust me so did I. I read 10,000 articles about how not to beg your ex, but yknow what? MINE WAS DIFFERENT!! I knew it! I couldn't explain it but I just knew she'd feel differently and she'd LOVE to have me beg and give dramatic speeches and bring flowers (oh yeah, did that too). She'd the ONE ex in thousands of years of human interaction who'd love a begging pleading ex. No... never works. Now I realize that. I just want to stop even one person from making these mistakes. I know the rationale is there... I know it doesn't make sense... even NOW I think of stupid reasons to call her just to shoot the breeze or something I left over there (and I actually legit left a bunch of things there too) or maybe call up her sister just to say hi and see how the familys doing but now I actually know those are all dumb ideas... at some point, I wouldn't think that.

 

Im just trying to warn everyone now... you probably wont listen if youre just being broken up with but please... don't do it. Months from now you will see. Its taken me 4 months but now I look back and I see why she was so resistant to get back together. I see why my friends were so concerned for my well being when all I thought I was doing was loving someone, but that just wasn't it... I was losing my mind, and now I'm in a better place. Still sad but sad's a normal emotion... the obsessiveness wasn't.

[elephants]

Yeah, I also kind of wish I hadn't acted so pathetic. I wish I could have just looked sad and said, "All right, if this is what you want... If ever you change your mind, call me and I'll listen to what you have to say." instead of going hysterical and begging for him to give us another chance.

 

It's okay, sonicfan. We've all done it, and many more will do it after us. I enjoyed reading this though, and I think the heart stress ball episode is extremely cute. Haha

[Kristenelaine]

Oh...we have alllll be there! And all looked back and gone "what the hell was I thinking?" Yep...we have all pulled the crazy.

[meoww]

ahaha Don't worry...actually, be glad you went through this at 21. Now you won't get so carried away next time you fall madly in love or whatever the case may be. I think this happens to a lot of people in their twenties, especially the early twenties which are such a difficult time for so many reasons. There are so many things you can be thankful for, like being young and not having all the responsibilities that go along with being in a serious relationship. Who knows, if things had been slightly better you might have ended up married to her and not maturing the way you have now until like age 35, now that would be cause for serious regrets.

 

for those of us prone to 'passionate' love, it's good have the experience so that we can discern when it's appropriate to express our feelings and when it's not. also, now you know how to walk away from people who are corny like this--like you said, it's not romantic, it's creepy...

[discouraged]

Yah, we've all done it. To be honest, my most recent ex did it to me twice when i tried to break up with her. It works on guys (I think), but not towards women... or maybe I'm just a nice guy that will always finish last hahaha

[sonicfan287]

Nah, you won't

 

I think that perception is what bogs down a lot of nice guys. They think they won't find anyone (myself included at one time) but y'never know until you try and most times it doesn't work on women (the whole romantic crazy chasing thing) but depending on how it's done, it can be used to make a strong relationship even stronger as long as you dont go overboard with it like I would at times

[Blondie176]

This time round i havent acted crazy yet, well not to his knowledge anyway, behind closed doors when i am alone i think im a little crazy maybe. One thing i intend to walk away with is my head held high and so far so good. Not to say i dont feel like turning up there or phoning or even messaging to let him know just how much pain i am in. But i know its a waste of time, no good can come from it only more pain.

 

I have acted crazy in the past though with previous ex's, i think as long as you learn from it then dont worry too much, next time you will know what not to do x

[sniffles]

Did she break up with you in a dignified way???

 

Or did she just dump you by ignoring you??

[sonicfan287]

To be honest, she was VERY nice about the first breakup. She took my crying and expected it and then tried to move on but I made things difficult. She was also reaching out and trying to stay friends and realized that couldn't happen. The second time she was a little more harsh but still not mean about it. We got back together, then broke up this time. The actual breakup was fair enough... I mean it sounded indecisive and kind of "Careless" in some ways, but that's fine in retrospect. She has no obligation to describe every little thing to me. She did just ignore me after that though... like completely. Said we could be friends someday but I doubt she meant it, been over 4 months and I'm starting to get over it but even when I am completely over it, I doubt she'll make an attempt to stay in touch and if I message her, she'd just ignore it.