Recovering Addict in early recovery and GF just broke it off

[bpm103]

Wasn't sure where to post this. I am in recovery forums too but figured I would try and get another point of view as well.

 

Im newly sober (again) with 29 days today. I had a little over year until January 6th and went back out. Tried again on March 26th and made it 40 days before going back out again. What’s different now is that I am totally committed to the program of AA and not using. I call people when I need to. I hit meetings . I go to fellowship stuff (need to do more of this though instead of isolating). I have a sponsor and I am actively working the steps (currently #1). I have a sense of a higher power although I am not completely comfortable with what it is exactly just yet. I pray every day and I try to do the next right thing.

 

What motivated me 29 days ago to go to any length was the fact that I saw my life disintegrating each time I used. I hated who I was and knew it would only get worse. On top of that my girlfriend of 4.5 years told me that she couldn’t do it anymore. I have put her through the ringer with my using, cheating, lying, etc for too long and she had it. For 21 days following my relapse I can admit that she was the center of my thoughts. I want to get sober for me but how I was feeling was much determined by how her and I were doing from moment to moment. I know that’s not good.

 

So, in effort to really try and patch things up and show her I was serious I went to visit her two weekends ago and we had a great visit(we live 1000 miles away from each other now because I moved for a job in November). However, I could just sense something was off. Long story short, she broke it off with me last night and said she doesn’t have the energy to continue fighting for us because I live in another state and her feelings have changed. She cried as she told me how hard it is for her and how she doesn’t understand why it’s happening but I know exactly why. I get it. I repeatedly abandoned her with my actions for years and she has finally caught up and realized that she deserves better - and she is right. I have to let her move on. And I need to move on and heal as well, in a healthy way (not with using or another relationship). Who knows what the future holds but I need to do what’s right for me right now. That is get sober and become a better man … or my relationships will continue to be a train wreck like this one and all of those leading up to this one. This one hurts in a different way because this girl was one of those “hard to find” ones. Genuine, caring, trustworthy, fun, supportive, attractive, generous, …. Yeah… but for some reason it was never enough when we were together. I was always unhappy. I know that’s because of what’s inside me… nothing to do with her.

 

Has anyone dealt with something like this? A break up in early recovery.. or knowing it’s right to move on but hating it nonetheless. Dealing with the crazy paranoid thoughts, the loneliness, insecurity, low self esteem, fear…. I never hit her and I wasn't verbally abusive. We got along wonderfully but the relationship showed serious signs of codependency and I was mentally abisive with my actions. I want to get better for me but also so I never do this to another peson again.

 

Hope you all are having a good day.

[bpm103]

I would just like to add that over the past month I started getting paranoid that she was seeing other men. We talked less and she wouldn't answer her phone. Her texts were short and she was going out with friends more. I think she had started to move on when I left, seeing that there was a whole other life to live without the burden of dealing with my crap. That, I think, is what is most painful. The feeling that she is choosing something, someone, another life... over one with me. But I cant blame her. I would do the same. It's just really hard. I can only learn from it so it has less of a chance of happening again. How do I deal with the reccuring thoughts though..imagining her with other me... having fun without me. I know its selfish but it's a total mind %$#&

[Ms Darcy]

Why do you say "you never hit her?" I am not sure what that is supposed to mean. It's like saying proudly that you take care of your kids. Of course you should take care of your kids. That is an expectation.

 

Anyway, congrats on your early recovery. It sounds like you put this woman through hell and frankly her self-esteem must have been low to stay for so long. Hopefully she becomes a stronger person without you and finds someone healthy and reliable for her.

[bpm103]

I say that to convey that I wasn't physically abusive. A lot of times it's assumed that violence accompanies addiction - understandably. So, I wanted that to be clear. I did put her through hell but I was also very caring and supportive when I wasn't in the grips of my addiction. It's not an excuse, I know. Yes, her self esteem was likely very low. As was/is mine. I HATE the way I behaved. I HATE the person I have become and that's why I am going to change.

 

It's just really painful and I was wondering if anyone can relate to my story. And by the way, Ms Darcy, thanks for making the point that you hope she finds someone else. Unfortunately, she isn't reading this, which I am sure you are aware. So, the only person that comment affects is me. Guess how that made me feel? Yeah.

[cbw]

I have been scouring the Internet for advice. BPM! I am on the flip side of your experience. I've gone trough three years of enduring my boyfriends addiction problem. I finally drew a line in the sand, laid down an ultimatum. He told me he was done with drugs and promised to not touch it again. He had 6 months to stop using. Not 24 hours after his cutoff he did it again. Said he didn't think I would be upset. WRONG.

 

After all the debt, the irresponsibility, the neglect, the hiding things, after feeling so thrown away for three years, he is finally getting clean. Ten days clean now. And I am realizing that I gave up a long time ago. I don't feel the same as I used to. I love him, I'm so happy for him that he is doing this for himself. I trust that he is capable of recovery. But my feelings have just changed.

 

Now the time I spend with him is just tiring and frustrating. I cry all the time. All the time. I feel repressed, I feel depressed. I'm not in a healthy place emotionally. I feel like I ought to be happy that he's finally getting it together. Honestly I'm just ready to be done.

 

I tried and tried to tell him this. He just cried and pleaded. Three nights in a row we talked about it for hours, it was exhausting, so I just went to bed. And the next morning each time he pretended nothing was wrong. Ad just tried to go on like that till the next time I brought it up. Every day for a week I told him I need a break. He wouldn't go and literally would not let me leave either. Idk what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.

[elle12]

I was recently dumped by a guy a few days after he hit two years clean from heroin and he was still messed up and still not ready for a relationship. Recovery takes so much of a person that there's not much left for other people, and it seems like you don't have anything left for him. I think you should make a clean break, don't tell him you need time, just tell him that you really want him to get better but that the best thing for both of you is not to be together. And then go NC. You said he wouldn't let you leave - if you're worried he might hurt you or something, maybe have someone wait for you while you talk to him. Good luck.