Best way to kill yourself? I'm fairly set on doing it and don't want to fail..

[tiredofvampires]

I'm a bit late to this thread, Lulz, so I hope you're still following it.

 

I could have written Popsicle5's entire post, beginning to end, so I hope you take everything written there to heart.

 

This'll be even longer, I think ("giant walls of text" are sort of my deal, lol. So hopefully, you have a comfy chair.)

 

First of all, you have a FEW very important traits going for you that will stand you in good stead during this storm, which you've got to keep ahold of: I can see that you have a fighter spirit, and even though you're despairing and depressed, you're willing to look into ways to improve your situation. That's a person whose battle has a good chance.

 

Next, you can still see the good things in life: the good in others, appreciate people, and take moments of humor in even a dark situation. You've got to have a sense of humor in life -- it's absolutely essential, and if you look at all the comedic greats, their lives were filled with sorrow and pain (including physical pain). So humor and not taking even the most, MOST seriously awful stuff too seriously at moments = life-affirmation.

 

Next, even though you're just 18, you've got a lot of intelligent and articulate things to say, and I can tell you're sensitive. The sensitivity is a double-edged sword -- because it makes you more vulnerable to the assaults life dishes out (and this expresses itself physically, too, as you react to your environment), but it also gives you the insights others may miss. These insights will be your friend as you go through this journey...this process...and will not just benefit your own self-discovery, but also work to serve others, potentially.

 

So you have quite a number of great strengths here -- tools, or "weapons" that are solid, to keep fighting the good fight -- which is trying to imagine a life that is not just bearable, but worth living, whether you cure your illness or not.

 

I was around your age when I developed Fibromyalgia (though getting it diagnosed in those days was a lot harder than it is now, as it is recognized now as NOT just some hypochrondriacal disorder). Along with that (as often happens), I had a lot of the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue (and Immune Dysfunction) Syndrome, CFIDS, a diagnosis that was even more laughable for its vagueness, to the medical community. I have a few other things as well, which are even more obscure, one of which affects my sexual function and causes severe physical and emotional pain (this may have been triggered by events in my childhood, which I may never know for sure.) So I was afflicted by severe, crippling, self-perception-alterering pain from a pretty young age.

 

So here you find yourself, at the peak of vitality (and I was athletic, too, at the time), and while all your peers are going into the full bloom of adulthood...you have dropped out of their circle, to the margins. They are continuing to enjoy sports, parties, their bodies...and you are going from doctor to doctor. I was in college and aggressively pursuing a degree in art, so at least I felt on track in that way, and though my symptoms were increasingly intolerable and widening in scope, I persisted in my goals. Shortly after I graduated, and a short stint of teaching, I had to return to my parents' home to convalesce, realizing I could not go on because I was in so much pain, sick, and weak. My peers once again took another giant step away from me -- into graduate school, into engagements with their partners, into the workforce full-time, into parenthood in cases. I, on the other hand, with no means and now back to where my problems started -- my parents' home, where the environment was emotionally sickening -- continued to spiral downward.

 

At this point, I did the only thing available to me: I applied for welfare and disability (national), as having a permanent disability. In conjunction with this, I applied for all available low-income and public housing programs we have. The welfare tided me over until I got my disability approved, and then at last I also was offered an apartment in public housing. I should mention that I could not have achieved this without getting the disability income, which was thanks to a wonderful, kind, understanding neurologist who also specialized in pain disorders, so you need a doctor to stand by you. That was the beginning of going upwards, instead of steadily downwards.

 

So the advice Victoria gave you about moving out is your STEP #1, and I'm very glad you are looking into it. You seem to understand the vital importance of this step: and that is, first you have to be in a place that is conducive to your healing. And you can't possibly heal in a place full of bile and criticism, lack of support and appreciation.

 

One *good* thing about having a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia in this day and age is that it is no longer de-legitimized, as it once was. So when you apply for disability, this is not likely to be stigmatized as it once was. It is the 3rd most prevalent condition seen by rheumatologists, and is a clinical disorder now being heavily studied. Since the pharmaceutical companies jumped on the bandwagon -- as little as their medicines have helped me (which is not at all) -- it's become even more established as a real disorder. But it is still Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS) -- and "syndrome" means that it is still a very poorly-understood disorder with a spectrum of symptoms that don't necessarily follow a specific disease process. And no one knows what causes it, so the experts say.

 

I have over the years studied my own condition extensively, from every aspect, and after also hearing from fellow patients (and friends), I feel that I know what caused my FMS. And I believe that the research is ever-moving in this direction with it: that it is a sort of "perfect storm" of the following things happening at the same time, or in tandem:

 

-- a precipitating trauma to the nervous system (this can be sudden, like a car accident; or gradual, like my entire childhood emotional abuse, up through the teens)

-- a physical stressor to the immune system, often environmental in part (this can be a virus, a bacteria or other similar infection; it can be a sudden allergic reaction; or in my case, both an eating disorder and exposure to highly toxic fumes in art school)

 

And what happens is that the brain correlates these "threats" to your survival. As a result, the immune system, which is basically the brain's right-hand man, goes about spinning out of control, affecting every system in your body and heightening your sensitivity to pain in a complex dance with neurotransmitters. This is all a reaction to the original stressors/traumas, but then it takes a life on of its own. Because the immune system is a highly interactive interface with the brain, and as long as the brain has not recovered from those original traumatic ordeals, it keeps telling your immune system to jack up some things and suppress others, to try to keep you going. That is why now they are finding FMS has some autoimmune components (like Reynaud's) -- it's the body attacking itself, as some cells are overly "switched on".

 

Meanwhile, other cells, hormones, and glands are depleted as chemical stores are used up...which then leads to secondary syndromes and symptoms and then diagnoses. But the problem really is stemming from some things that happened in the past, and are in a feedloop.

 

It's my feeling that the type of disorder you have -- like many people who have been healthy and then become beset with a myriad of co-existing disorders -- is much like having ghosts in your body. Possibly a poetic way of thinking of it, but that's how I view it. They are memories stored in your immune system, your nervous system, and all of your body, because you are one integrated circuit.

 

I have yet to see anyone with disorders like these not have both those things in their history: 1. Trauma (usually emotional) and 2. A physical stressor of some kind. In fact, if I was forced to choose, I'd say that the initiating emotional trauma is a bit like the trunk of the tree. I've never met anyone -- ANYONE -- with this type of illness syndrome raised in a communicative, respectful home, filled with happy memories and unconditional love, alongside a healthy and supportive peer/school background. Furthermore, I've never met a laid-back Rasta type who just wants to chill on the beach with this type of disorder. It's the intense, driven, active, emotionally sensitive and complex people who seem prone. Not that disposition is the cause of this illness, but that it's got a genetic predisposition/vulnerability component -- and then under the right circumstances, those two types of triggers, especially appearing at the same time and early in life, has the effect of a match in a powder keg.

 

What this means is that going forward, you have to deal with all aspects of this to start healing. Mainly, you have to focus on these now:

 

1. Remove yourself from the original thing that gave you a toxic reaction: your family. As we've been saying. PERSIST in this until you achieve an independent living situation, if that means being fully subsidized by the government. It's heartbreaking to deal with at such a young age, but you have a lot of repair to do and you can't do it with your brain being re-triggered every day with people who contributed to this illness. There are many places where if you're disabled, they allow pets for psychiatric reasons (service dogs are allowed for the blind, and pets are used therapeutically for depression now, so it's something a doctor can get you an exemption for [i hope in Canada, too], even if a place doesn't normally allow pets).

 

2. Trust that you will find other human connections that are more fulfilling as you mend. Go where the vibe feels "right". Go to places and do things that nourish your soul, go where the love is. Stay away from where the love is not.

 

3. With whatever income you have, devote it to alternative forms of medicine, as Popsicle5 wrote about. Acupuncture, herbs, nutritional supplements, body work (hands-on), has been a whole world for me of learning and self-care that the medical orthodoxy simply is not designed to offer. There are many, many modalities that can help and I don't know if insurance there on disability covers any of such treatments there, but take as little pharmaceuticals as possible, as they are only suppressive and not curative, and eventually cause side effects (not for everyone, but for many of us.)

 

4. To repeat what Popsicle said, start to explore meditative practices that help you deal with this turmoil and crisis in your life. I can't recommend Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn enough, as a start. He's a biomedical researcher who created a program and stress-reduction clinic that is now world-reknowned, not just for people who want to cut back on stress, but for people dealing with terminal illness or intractable pain. His book "Full Catastrophe Living" was a breakthrough for me, and the methods there transformed my life. It was like I'd been thrown a life preserver, and this practice only deepened and got richer over the years. Also, as Popsicle mentioned, I found a community of people on the same path through this type of meditation (it's not religious) who are extraordinarily self-aware, compassionate, and non-judging in general, compared to the average population. They are/were the medicine that counteracted the unloving messages of my family home.

 

5. Search out doctors who know more about these diseases from a cutting-edge standpoint: there are an increasing number of M.D.'s who are practicing "environmental medicine" and "functional medicine", who will do more in-depth analysis of what's going on, biochemically, and they are much more creative with juggling natural and traditional therapies; they also understand and appreciate the complexities of this process far better. Some of these tests are not well-known to mainstream doctors, who really don't have a clue. Naturopaths are also an excellent choice, as many of them do tests that reveal imbalances that can be treated with natural products and body work. So start googling and researching doctors with these specialties and credentials in your area. They are much closer to what you need from doctors, even though they may not have all the answers, either (and many of them are costly, so see if you can't find ones with sliding scales, who accept insurance, etc.)

 

Something I HIGHLY recommend is that you investigate the possibility you have undiagnosed Lyme Disease. While this is coming at the end of my post, it may be the thing you start out doing in conjunction with changing your practical living situation. What you describe is going into a woodsy area and coming out with an extreme immune reaction that sounds very, very, VERY much like the descriptions I've heard of people with Lyme. The tick that carries Lyme usually lives in woodsy areas, and you don't always know you've been bitten. So I would almost put my savings down that the incident with the soccer ball was a reaction to your becoming infected with something -- and that infection setting off the cascade you're dealing with now.

 

In fact, FMS and Lyme disease can present with the same symptoms, especially the pain and neurological ones. It's being found that a lot of people who were formerly given the diagnosis of FMS found eventually (many years later!) that they carry the Lyme parasite. There are standard tests for this, and you may have gotten some of those already -- but you ought to check whether they were done. All rheumatologists are familiar with this work-up. Unfortunately, they are not accurate in many cases, so there are a lot of false negatives, and unfortunately many doctors are closed-minded about this.

 

What you need is a doctor who is very familiar with more sensitive types of tests -- PCR tests, which check for Lyme DNA in your blood. An infectious disease doctor may know about this, but I would trust the functional medicine doctors most of all. So I would check around for doctors specializing in Lyme, hidden Lyme disease, etc. You may be treatable with antibiotics, if this is what you have. And while long courses of antibiotics have side effects, if you are working with a doctor who is looking at it holistically, they might help you to a protocol that you can tolerate. Again: I can't stress this enough, be sure you get a doctor who does the most sophisticated DNA tests for Lyme Disease and knows how to interpret.

 

So:

 

6. KEEP RESEARCHING YOUR OWN CONDITION, UNDERSTANDING IT AND YOUR OPTIONS, SO YOU CAN BE AN INFORMED CONSUMER/PATIENT. Don't devote yourself to your illness 24/7...devote yourself to healing and healing intentions. But do learn about this by going to forums, chat boards, support groups online or off, as well as the medical literature itself (there's a lot online through searches). There's TONNNNS of information about these disorders out there, now. Informed other patients can be very educational, too -- just don't let yourself get overwhelmed, pull back if you feel bombarded, and don't jump on bandwagons too easily. Lots of trial and error, but you'll know a lot more than many doctors after a while (something they'll hate you for, lol, so you'll have to weed out the egotistical jerks), and will be your own expert. But due to changing times, I think such illnesses are undergoing a bit of a renaissance of interest and awareness now in the medical world (Dr. Phil recently featured a whole segment on a girl with undiagnosed Lyme Disease), so that's a positive thing -- feeling you're not ignored is powerful medicine!

 

The most important thing though it to keep reminding yourself that the physical toxins and the emotional toxins of your life are calling you now to address things that you may not have paid attention to for many years. Getting my illness cast me onto a road less-travelled for life.

 

But it was also a wake-up call. It was a wake-up call to work on every part of my life healing, not just my body.

 

I can't tell you I'm cured, but I've learned vast things about both my body and my mind as a result, and these have in turn helped me understand and appreciate things in an unusually acute way. I also think that had all the information available now been available when I was 18, I could have progressed physically much faster, with better care.

 

I have been suicidal many, many times throughout this course...but I can tell you 27 years out, I'm glad I did not end it. What a waste of a precious life -- and a body heroically, with great genius, trying to fight for recovery (which is the natural impulse of life!!) -- that would have been. Don't ever give up. I'm never going to squander this chance, this one chance I have to be here, take something from it, and to give something from it.

 

You just have to start with one step at a time -- medically, practically, emotionally, and spiritually. You have a lot to look forward to and your work cut out for you, despite it feeling like your life is ending.

 

It's just the beginning. Life is more than this illness.

[tiredofvampires]

I wanted to include some links/references for you, relating to my post, too.

 

If you start googling "undiagnosed Lyme Disease", you'll come up with lots of entries. Just to get you started on a couple that might resonate:

 

/

 

 

 

A snippet of Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn (who has guided meditation CD's, too; and anything on Youtube of him is fabulous, particularly the video, "Coming to Our Senses," which is about an hour's viewing):

 

 

 

And this is a home program that I'm just now looking into myself -- as I think this guy, who put the pieces together brilliantly, is right on the money. His approach is not yet widely known, but I've found a small, promising pilot study at the prestigious Mayo Clinic of these techniques, and ordering the materials, you can do this at home. But I think it's fundamental. I'm not endorsing it for any other reason than I think it could really be helpful, and certainly couldn't hurt. For me, this gets at the crux of the neuroimmunological connection I mentioned above, but with something concrete to work on. I think this work is going to gain more traction in the future.

 

This page isn't the home page, but it lays out what the approach and theory is about. (By the way, "ME", or "myalgic encephalomyelitis, is the British term for FMS; "CFS" is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). The author/researcher of this program says that he is looking to apply it to Lyme Disease, as well as PTSD, as well, as they all share common pathways in the brain reactivity patterns:

 

 

[Kdott]

Honestly that story made me realise that I take for granted everything I don't know what to say I know that nothing I could say could you make you feel better, and even though we don't know each other, I'm always here, I've felt alone and suicidal for a long time I know how much it hurts and I just want to say your the strongest person I know, your brave to have put up for this for such a long time, my heart goes out to you x

[Gracelola]

I honestly dont know how you went through with that for so long. I know how you feel with wanting to kill yourself,I tryed to OD and it dident work now I just have lots of allergies and health problems.

[KittyKat007]

I am 15 and I just wondered if I could privately talk to u please I no ur a stranger but some times that is best

[JazeLazrbeam]

I have similar issues to you. I actually came upon this post when I was googling how to commit suicide quickly. My family is very insulting and criticizes everything I do, and even when I do a good job at something it's still not good enough. My mom is very verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulates everyone to make me think i'm the evil one. She was negligent of me when I was younger and basically locked me in my room when she couldn't deal with my pain. She forced me to see numerous therapists who didn't know anything, instead of spending time with me and trying to raise me so we had a better bond. I used to be very close to my dad, but my mom has given up doing everything around the house and makes me and him do everything, and my dad has had a short fuse and become somewhat like my mom. He's been drinking more, and he has a tenancy to become physical when angered enough while drinking. He does apologize after, but I am still hurt.

I also have medical issues that my parents disregard and tell me its all in my head. Although I got medicine from a doctor, it didn't help and I had to stop and change meds. I have severe tummy issues and I have lots of diharrea and stuff and I am often nauseous, dizzy, and tired. I go from being ravonously hungry to not being able to eat at all. My mom is accusing me of relapsing into anorexia (which I had 4 years ago) and threatening to send me away if I don't eat more. It's just like, "I CAN'T EAT DAMMIT! I WANT TO BUT I FEEL SO SICK HALF THE TIME!" I also have to pee every 10 mins, like legit, and it's very embarrassing and annoying.

Also, I've never been good with people and as a result I don't have many friends. Everyone thinks I'm emo and even when I used to dress in preppy Abercrombie stuff they still bullied me. I've been bullied to the point where my normally docile nature faded and was replaced by hatred and anger. I threatened the bullies at school, cuz they made fake profiles of me on facebook and said very cruel things and made me lose most of my friends. Then the staff punished me and not them, even though what they did was worse. I got into a fight today with my mom and lost it and posted on facebook how much I hated her without thinking. I got a bunch of apathetic comments as a result and now I've lost respect of more people. I feel like a burden to everybody and I know many people don't want me around. Everyone thinks I'm a "self centered *****" but in reality I do care deeply about others and try to make life easier for them. I think the easiest way is to just die, that way no one will have to deal with me. I am torn, because I have one good friend left who doesn't want me to die and would be very upset if I did, but the pain is pretty much unbearable. I know how you feel. I know you have it worse, but I can relate to you. I'm sorry that this stuff is happening. But I can talk to you more if you want.

[JazeLazrbeam]

1. Remove yourself from the original thing that gave you a toxic reaction: your family. As we've been saying. PERSIST in this until you achieve an independent living situation, if that means being fully subsidized by the government. It's heartbreaking to deal with at such a young age, but you have a lot of repair to do and you can't do it with your brain being re-triggered every day with people who contributed to this illness. There are many places where if you're disabled, they allow pets for psychiatric reasons (service dogs are allowed for the blind, and pets are used therapeutically for depression now, so it's something a doctor can get you an exemption for [i hope in Canada, too], even if a place doesn't normally allow pets).

 

Therapy animals are AMAZING! For people like me and you who have trouble befriending and trusting others, animals are a life saver. When I was lonely as a child, my cat Cleo (actually she was my mom's cat, but she often followed me around) would cuddle with me and let me pet and hold her, showing her gratitude by purring. (She's one of the few cats that actually LOVES to be held). She was there when I was upset or needed a playmate and friend. She raised me more than my mom did! Unfortunately she died 5 years ago I do have another cat named Hazel now. She is 10 years old and shares a lot of my reserved qualities. She is VERY slow to trust and is timid around new people or people she finds frightening for whatever reason. She probably was abused like I was before she was adopted. She decided to open up to me, and I am the only person she trusts 100%. She is in my room 70% of the time and we are very attached to each other. She will often stay with me and "guard" until I fall asleep, and then go take care of her own business. Unlike Cleo, she HATES being held, even by me. It scares her and makes her feel trapped. I wish I could hold her, but I respect that she needs space, just like she respects my space. She will cuddle with me at times. I also have another cat, a Maine Coon named Fizzy. He is my dad's cat, but often follows me around and begs for attention. He tolerates being held for short periods of time. I've also had good experiences with actual therapy dogs, who are very playful and compassionate. They can easily sense my discomfort and become cuddly and extra friendly. I've heard of other pets being therapy animals; cats, rabbits, and even pigs! So this is a great idea. They can be helpful as well as good friends.

[dumped97]

Hey buddy, I have been in chronic pain in my face head neck and legs I am 28 now and I am from Toronto I feel your pain I lost my house and my life because I went to the dentist on day and he got me good but you can't sue dentist in Canada because A. it's to expensive and obviously someone that hasn't been able to work and has just spent thousands of dollars in rehab isn't going to have $8 - $10k to pay a lawyer plus there is no evidence he cause it lol. I have just quit my job after being off for 2 years my family doctor forced me to go to work and I failed plus I lost my work insurance. So I am in pain in suffering everyday as well and basically have no choice but to try and apply for disability. I take perkecet and though it isn't good for you it gives me my life back for a couple hours a day.

My family on the other hand is slightly more supportive then yours sounds to be thought I don't ask for money or anything just a roof over my head which is great right now because I can't commit suicide because it would be like killing my mother and me so I just live in suffering. I only have one friend left because I am not going anywhere in life and I can't afford to spend money so no one wants to be my friend ether,

[Lovelyconvo123]

Hey, I've just had an operation on my knee and my life seems to be the brink of ending. I absolutely football and it has been my passion for so long an I'm good at it too! I have potential to go big and make a living out of this but ultimately, this has destroyed me. My emotions are flat out stupid and I can flip instantly just over a simple thing e.g. When I'm dribbling the ball, my knee clicks i just stop playing leaving the ball to roll towards the opposiion or if someone mentions my knee I just flip and have a go at them. This metal problem has literally caused me to become lonely with barely any friends, mainly ones from childhood. My my and dad dont give a **** about my knee and think I need to get my head out of my ass and look at reality. They obviously don't understand the situation and are persistent with this, I sometimes just stay up all night thinking whether my dream will be achieved or will I end up doing something boring. The fact of the matter is that in 15 years old, and this surgery was minor....... I know I'm pathetic but thinks like this and when you have a passion for something and that passion means so much to you, I would choose football over ny family any day ( especially in this situation). I understand that you had a passion for going out doors and so do I, I would often go jumping crates with my friends up the field or play basketball at lunch time but I no longer do that, not because I cant but because I choose to so I can play football.

What I'm tryin to say is that it's the mentality that really affects you and even something so simple can change your life if you have the passion and love do what you do, my life has changed so mug since I was 13 when I injure my knee but I am coming to terms that I can achieve my dreams, it's only me that's in the way! I have true so hard to get in contact with professional football clubs and upon doing this, they say "it's only your skill we look for, not your medical history".

 

I was at the point where I wanted to kill myself, I would spray aerosol into a towel and literally push it into my fae, trying to sniff as much as I can (my friend gave me te idea), sounds odd I know but it can kill if you OD. I would always walk up to field and sit in the play house for hours and even slept there once or twice. But now I have come to terms but partially still dodgy when it comes to the clicking of the knee.

 

Compared to what you have, this is a mere cut finger nail but if affected me mentally. If I was in your shoes, I would topped myself by now. I admire your courage to live and lasting for 5 years without killing your self is impressive.

 

Hope this helps P.S I wouldbt give a **** about your parents they obviously don't deserve someone like you and don't understand the situation your in, this is truly a ridiculous conundrum to be in

[itslexi]

I'm not going to tell you how to kill yourself, although I think I can help you feel less blocked out from the world. You mentioned that you just wanted one person to talk to, I can't talk to you in person, but I can still talk, or just listen. This was posted some time last year so I don't know if things have improved, but if you want, we could be internet buddies.

[Deseatsgummis]

I know this was posted almost a year ago, but i would also like to share my story. To let you know that you are not alone. Im actually quite a bit younger then you. Im 13, and have depression. I live with my grandmother, and hate life. 10 years ago i lived in a happy home with my mom and dad, everything was going great, until tension started rising between my mom and dad. My dad ended up taking my newborn brother and I away. My brother and I lived with him and his abusive girlfriend. After my dad realized that his new

girlfriend was abusive, he put us with our grandmother, and we lived here ever since... Until last year. Last year, I got the oppurtunity to meet my mother again. At the time, i thought it was a great idea. So I went and met her, and we all got along great!(: a couple weeks later, my mom found out she was pregnant with my little sister, Zoey. So then, my dad asked me if I would move in with him and my mom. And so, again, i agreed. A few months later is where it started going all down hill. My mom and dad decided to transfer me to another school and put me on the bus. I was so nervous because ive never transfered schools before. All the friends i've ever had were gone. My social life. Gone. But before I tell my school story, i have to finish my home story. Anyway, after I transfered schools and such, is when tension started rising again between my mother and father. As a result, my pregnant mother was kicked out of the house. Not long later, she begged if she could come back. And my dad, of course, said yes. That very weekend, my little sister , Zoey was born, and everything was going good again. A year went by and thats where everything goes down hill, again.. But before we get to the next part of my home life, now I have to tell you my social life. So there I was at a brand new school. I knew no one, until, my teacher sat me behind this girl named, Megan. We instantly became best friends, she was my shoulder to cry on, and i was hers. We talked to eachother about EVERYTHING. I knew all her secrets and she knew all mine. She was also my tour guide of the school. So a year went by, and Megan and I stayed best friends. She wouldnt let anyone mess with me and I would do the same for her. But this is where my home life kicks back in. So its been a year, my mom and dad split up once again and my dad couldbt do it alone. He had to work and nobody was home when my brother and i got home. So my dad gives me a key. And once again, my mom moves back in. Then, tension rises again and they split up. Now, my dad was late on rent and couldnt get it payed off, resulting in, my brother and I were split from our sister, Zoey. My brother and I live with our grandmother again. Which takes another turn in my social life. After moving back in with my grandmother, i transfered back to my old school. Of course, my old frienda were excited to see me until, they realized something different about me. I was all that social anymore, tired all the time, and randomly had crying spells. They asked me what was wrong,

but i couldnt tell them. Just like I cant tell my dad that I have depression, because im afraid he'll judge me. Like he does about everything else. But back to my story. My depression got worse. I started staying in my room 24/7 and eating a little less. At first, my grandma didnt even notice, she thougt i was just being a teenager. Until I randomly cried

in front of her once. I just felt sad. I cant really explain why. And here I am today. Feeling like I want to die. Die in my sleep. So I understand, im actually crying as im typing this, because I know how it feels. I dont have any of your illnesses but, I understand how it feels to be shunned by your own family, because of

your flaws. I know how it feels to be made fun of. And it hurts. Everything feels dull. I know how it feels to be numb or empty. I know how it feels to be alone. I know how it feels to want to die. Even though im way younger then you, just know that people

know how you feel and understand. Btw excuse my grammar, auto correct is not working for some reason.'

[david buchholz]

My 30 something year old girlfriend has the same problem with her family she has Scleroderma. However from the 'outside' she looks fine but scleroderma is an umbrela autoimmune disese. She is facing the same problems you are. She is amazing amounts of pain somedays and other days she is fine. She also has reynauds, pulmonary problems, joint issues, bone spurs and now some skin involvment. Few people it seems including doctors realize how painful a disease like this is. Her organs are hardening from the inside. Her family ignores it instead labeling her a drug seeker as due the doctors in our small 500k town. It has made me hate her family and primary care physicians in general. I have seen enough doctors with her that at this point I cold fake my way through as one. My respect for the medial community has gone downhill since I met her. We cant fin her a primarycare doctor that will take her and coordinate her specialists and get her the pain management she needs. It is complete BS, its easier to go down the street to get pain meds illegally than to get her the treatment she needs. Apologies for rambling on my point is you do have some rough days ahead, but you will also have some good days. If you hang on eventually you will find an answer besides from killing yourself. I wanted to kill myself before I met her. We have been together 2 years. She is my reeason for living. I am proud I can take care of her, and that we have a normal life when she is feeling well. please dont give up.

[Pina]

Hey man,

 

I actually just saw your post after Googling how to kill myself, and your post gave me enough courage to make a profile and reply.

 

You have tremendous courage and strength for living so long without doing something drastic. My condition seems nothing compared to yours, but is just as deadly.

 

I'm a junior in a fabulous college. I came here freshman year on a swim scholarship and after getting mono a few months in, had to quit. The swimming that I once loved and swam year round for 6 years, became the thing that I hated the most in life. Nothing made me as upset as jumping into that water every morning at 5 AM.

 

When I quit, I didn't want to tell my parents because they would hate me. However, I decided to because I wanted to be an honest son and hope they would understand me. They did just the opposite. The next day I got a phonecall from my swim coach asking me to come into his office. When I got there, my mom and stepfather were in the room already, without even telling me they were coming to visit. They tried to force me on the swim team again. After crying right in front of the coach, I had to walk out.

 

That's the last time I have swam competitively. I have gotten back to swimming occasionally, but it always reminds me of all the practices where every swimmer was forced to swim to the point of puke. It sickens me and I jump out.

 

I have been going to a psychologist, family counselor, etc my entire life. My parents have been split up since I was 2 years old, and abused me as a kid by getting me to lie to the judge about the other parent, just for a trip to Disney World.

 

I thought that this opportunity to this out of state college would be the best. Turns out, it was the worst thing possible. My father stopped paying for everything as soon as I hit 18, forcing my stepfather to take over the father role. I swam my whole life, I knew nothing other than to swim. My athletic ability got me into one of the fastest swim schools in the country.

 

However, because it is an out of state school, it is 24,000 a year, a price my stepfather told me he would cover to keep me from paying loans. However, because my older brother is in school also, money is really tight.

 

This is where my depression lies: I understand and gratefully accept the fact that my stepfather has taken over the role as my father. I'm very lucky to have someone do that, but when your stepfather calls you once every 3 months to tell you how much money he is spending on you, it makes you feel like crap. Complete crap.

 

Because money is tight, my parents don't understand that I need more than just a tuition check and rent to survive in life. I go days without food because I have no money. I have to turn down friends because I have no money to do activities with them. I have tried to get a job, but a student with no background except swimming is worth absolutely nothing to employers. I try to explain to my parents that I still need another year of help until I can get my degree and have my own career, but they won't listen.

 

However, money isn't so tight that I have to be forced to go without food for days. I go days without food because they think I don't deserve food--that they are already paying enough for me.

 

The relationship with my parents, brothers, and relatives has gone to complete crap since I have quit the swim team. They all tell me I made the biggest mistake of my life, and now I'm going to fail. My parents tell me they wish I was never born, so it could save them money. My stepfather brings up my tuition and rent every time he answers the phone, which is every 4-6 months.

 

I live in a single apartment alone. I have tried roommates in the past, and they have all stolen from me, accused me of stuff, and forced me to pay their rent. After three times, I chose to live by myself. While I do like living by myself, I get incredibly lonely. Thoughts run into my head that I can't get out, mostly of suicide. I always think, "Why am I causing my family so much grief? It would just be easier to kill myself and save them money."

 

The truth is, I'm afraid to commit suicide. Not because of religious beliefs, no God has been there for me. I have nothing to live for anymore, and go days in pain because of hunger. However, the hunger isn't the real pain. The real pain is every day inside my head. When I call everyone I think is close to me and no one responds, it just reinforces the fact that I should kill myself.

 

I hope you're still around to reply to this message, V, and even though my situation seems like nothing, it torments me everyday. I want to thank you for the inspiration to express my thoughts, even if no one cares or reads.

 

Take care,

 

Pina

[martincastillo]

hey man im having a lot of hard times with my mom my brother and my gf its so much drama and i feel no love coming from all as well i am alone sometimes and i would like a best friend just message me good luck dont do it

[TaraGrace]

Are you okay? I didn't want to take the time to write a long drawn out email if you're not with us anymore but if you are, I definitely will. I know when people say, I know what you're going through, you think, bull****. But when I read your email (basically because I was searching for the same answers), I felt like we were writing about the same things.

 

If you're still here, send me a message.

[jrosek]

I know your posting was written a while ago, but I just want to tell you that I feel the exact same way you do & can relate to you on so many levels. Contact me if you ever get the chance.

[BOIBLUE]

Can you private message me please?

[Pina]

Was hoping for someone to express sympathy towards me, but maybe my parents are right. I tried to fight the depression, but it has taken over. Goodbye everyone, nice knowing you.

[mike97477]

you have a lot of living under your belt for 18 years. I hope you find some sort of happiness.

[Kala63]

Hi, I know what you are going through. I have RSD and fibromyalgia. It all started with a crush injury to my left foot. This stuff travels. So instead of just my left foot I have this from the waist down. The fibromyalgia is all over. When it first happened I asked 5 or more doctors if they could cut my foot off. I even use to lay awake at night trying to find a way I could do it myself and not die. I worked 2 1/2 months after the accident. I have seen about ten different doctors or more. 3 spinal cord stimulator. I am on disability and it only took one trip to the office to get it. However I had all my doctors notes from them all my visits. So if you don't have the paper work get it. It will make it easy for you. I hope that will help you. I hate when people look at you and think you are faking it. Truth be known it is all in our head. lol. meaning our brain. It is the one that tells us we are in pain.

[Swayingtree]

Hey buddy. My friend has the fibromyalgia and yes I feel bad for him. I don't want to say "don't do it, kiddo," and especially don't want to encourage you. It must be hard to believe in life after death. In a perfect world, we would all age until we were ready to pass and embrace it. It doesn't always happen that way. But something I came to believe is this (and I can thank mushrooms, LSD, and dmt for this): those drugs gave me what I am absolutely certain is a taste of the afterlife. Won't go into detail but its just a singular harmonic energy, you can use your imagination. When I was in a good mood, the experience was indescribably good. When my head wasn't in the right place, it went to ****. When I die I can only hope I'm a peace at the moment, for I fear otherwise ill spend eternity in hell. I'm not some LSD junkie or anything I've got a masters degree and am moving up the ladder at a respectable pharmaceutical company. I've only done the stuff a few times but the experience changed my whole perspective. Maybe look into MDMA therapy if you can find it. Like I said I don't wanna say don't do it nor encourage it, but there are good people out there who would be happy to be your friend, hell I would, and not just cuz I feel scared for your life or anything. Just actively find new stimulating stuff to do. I glassblow in my spare time, it got me off my heroin kick I was on for a while in my younger and more vulnerable years. Well if you wanna talk I believe my email should be on here somewhere.

[sgilchrist]

Wow, this was almost a year ago. Reading your post made my heart ache. I'm so sorry that you have to live with these conditions. And I know how that feels. Maybe not to the extent of that physical pain and torment. But I understand the emotional toll it can cause. As for me, I have to live with a certain disease for the rest of my life, it will never go away. It affects your whole entire life. It changes EVERYTHING. And you have to prepare, you must prepare yourself, your life for that. I literally came to grips with the fact that I have this disease. There is no getting around what you have. It is really freeing to finally let go and realize that you have no power, other than taking very good care of your health, to change your situation.

You shouldn't be blamed for "causing" trouble in your family. It is one thing to be in real pain and suffering. I understand if they're upset at you for taking out your anger on them (if you are doing that). But if you're not, then that really isn't doing you any good and I'm sorry for that.

Regarding your thoughts of suicide, I have, in the past contemplated and toyed with the idea of it as well.

But I will say this. Your life, who you are and who you are going to become is more valuable than the present pain and suffering that you are experiencing. I really think that its time to wake up and realize that you are not slave to these conditions. You may feel that way. But. Don't. Let. This. Drive. Your. Life.

This is not the end for you. This is not the answer. And you know, I may not understand what you're going through. But I know someone who does.

I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. And He is the One who has brought/been bringing me through my own deep and painful suffering.

And when you live life following God, it is the best. There is healing in Jesus' name. There is power in His Name. That whoever should believe in Him will be saved and healed. That doesn't always mean physical and visible signs of healing; although it does happen! I am going to live the rest of my life with this disease. BUT KNOWING THAT GOD HAS A PLAN NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND NO MATTER WHAT DISEASE OR CONDITION YOU OR I HAVE, HE WILL BE FAITHFUL AND WILL BLESS US WITH A LIFE FILLED WITH JOY IN THE MIDST OF EXTREME PHYSICAL AND/OR EMOTIONAL PAIN.

I pray that if you don't already, that you would come to know the joy of the Lord, and to know the love and grace and HOPE in Jesus Christ! Because He died to wash away all of it! But first, he wants all of you. He wants your fears. Your anger. Your hopelessness. Bitterness. Pain. Give it all to Him. He will reward you with greater things. There is hope and love where Jesus is. I pray that you would come to know Jesus. Because there is none greater than He who died on that cross to wash away sin and sorrow, He who created this universe, He who sees you, made you, and knows you. God wants to take away your sorrow. So I hope this isn't too late. And I pray that you will live a healthy and good life. Persevere! Don't say "If I can't make this go away, then I'll end my life." Live your life. But, there's a new twist to it. And its painful. Extremely painful. So plan your life around this new condition and stay healthy. I promise you can do this. And I'll be praying for you.

My name is Sarah, by the way.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son (Jesus) into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him" John 3:16-17.

[spiceyweiner]

Howdy V (loving the pseudonym, you a fan of Alan Moore?)

I'm not sure this thread is still relevant, but here goes.

A while back I thought of ending things. I had no friends, I suffer from ever increasing obsessive compulsion and depression. But I found a love for making people laugh. It didn't really help make friends, but it helped me realise that things can get better by just the simplest things. I'm sure you're a top lad, with a lot to give.

 

If your ever need a friend, and another abnormal perspective (my delightful Irish roots) just give me a call. (link removed)

 

Also, what do you call a sober Irishman?

A taxi to the pub. Haha!

[MindNotRight]

I am able to talk anytime I have been told I could make everyone happy that's not true though because I never seem to be able to make myself happy but if you wanna talk I will listen without judgement even ifyou just want to complain about stuff (I am not saying you are so please don't take it the wrong way) my # is (541)912-5336 just tell me you want to talk and I will listen

[CesarV1003]

I was ust googling the best way to kill urself and so I read all fo the posts on this thread and I don't have any disease but all other with the life's and emotional feelings I took the time to register here and tell u that as I read the post it was like looking over my entire life. Like a documentary about me. And thanks for all u who gave support to others I'm sure they appreciate it.