crush on coworker

[SamWiseUp]

Ok, here's the deal. I am totally in the closet at work (and to most people actually), and there's a guy at work that I really have a big crush on at this point. We've only known each other for 2 months, but in that time, it seems we've really hit it off. The problem is when I try to hint that I'd like to go out with him for a drink, he doesn't say no, but he doesn't say yes either.

 

This guy is a few years older than me. I know he's not married, no kids, and I think he's gay, but I'm not sure. What I do know is that even though there are some attractive women in our office, he never mentions them, or really even talks to them (unless he has to for work reasons), but he's often next to me at my desk talking about whatever, asking me questions about what I'm doing. He also makes a lot of eye contact with me whether he's close by or on the other side of the office and looking my way. And he's always smiling.

 

So, I don't want to be pushy, but I really want to ask him out. Maybe he's just nervous? Maybe he's straight and I've totally pegged him wrong?

 

Ok guys (and girls), advice please! I want to figure out if he's worth

pursuing (is he gay) and does he like me too, or just want to be friends.

 

SamWiseUp

[sisterlynch]

The only real way that you are going to find out for sure is to go out with him and see what sort of an impression that he gives you.

 

If he won't go out, then I guess you will never know....maybe the reason that he never flirts is that he is in a committed relationship, and he doesn;t want his partner to be upset. Does he wear a ring?

[SamWiseUp]

The only real way that you are going to find out for sure is to go out with him and see what sort of an impression that he gives you.

 

If he won't go out, then I guess you will never know....maybe the reason that he never flirts is that he is in a committed relationship, and he doesn;t want his partner to be upset. Does he wear a ring?

 

Nope, no ring. He's told me he's not married, no kids, and all he has

to come home to is his dog. I once teased him that so-and-so must be

his girlfriend, and he replied with strong emphasis that there was no

girlfriend.

 

Like I said, I have invited him out for a drink, and I get neither yes nor

no. Hard to work with that.

 

SamWiseUp

[sisterlynch]

I am thinking he is really shy. Why not invite him to something like a comedy show or a movie? That way he can relax!

 

I once went to a movie on my own and a young man came in and sat down and then a little while later another young man came and sat with the other guy. It was a sly way of the two of them meeting, but there wasn't anyone but the other movie-goers to notice. I really don't think that the other people in the movie theatre would notice or say anything, I only noticed because they were in the same row as I was.

[SamWiseUp]

I am thinking he is really shy. Why not invite him to something like a comedy show or a movie? That way he can relax!

 

Hey, that's not a bad idea. The guy's always cracking one-liners. I

will have to see what's going on around town and see if he's interested.

I guess going to a bar might make him feel too uncomfortable about

having to make conversation, although it's weird because he's always

over chatting with me. Maybe he's just really slow to warm up, and I'm

just really impatient because I really like him.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

SamWiseUp

[sisterlynch]

Some people are not shy in certain situations, and are shy in others. If he is secretly paranoid about others finding out about him, he may have to repress a big part of his personality in certain situations. Like for example he is working, so he knows how to be himself in public, but he may have terrible self esteem which keeps him from getting close personally with people.

 

Being gay in this culture isn't easy, I would think. He may not be out to too many people either. You could take him to a jazz club, that would be fun. Or take him to play tennis. Maybe you two could sign up to take a class together or go to a conference, or a cruise.

[SamWiseUp]

Some people are not shy in certain situations, and are shy in others. If he is secretly paranoid about others finding out about him, he may have to repress a big part of his personality in certain situations. Like for example he is working, so he knows how to be himself in public, but he may have terrible self esteem which keeps him from getting close personally with people.

 

You're awesome. I think you're right. Maybe he's still learning whether

or not he can trust me. I have to confess, I've been really focussed on

my own feelings and wants here, and not given much thought to what

he might feel or want at all.

 

Being gay in this culture isn't easy, I would think. He may not be out to too many people either. You could take him to a jazz club, that would be fun. Or take him to play tennis. Maybe you two could sign up to take a class together or go to a conference, or a cruise.

 

Lol, well a conference could do. For work. That would make sense.

Even work would pay for it. What a concept!

 

Ok, I have to chill on this for the weekend, put myself in his shoes, and

think about where he might be coming from, instead of just thinking of

myself.

 

Thanks.

 

SamWiseUp

[sisterlynch]

I think you have the right idea!!

[mtastic]

Hi Sam,

 

I think sisterlynch pretty much covered it, but I'd like to add my thoiughts as well. Is it possible he is still in the closet as well? I mean, pretty much anything that happens between you two relationship-wise has the potential to "out" both of you, and perhaps he realizes this and is not prepared to risk that yet.

 

Like you said in your initial post, there is also the chance that he might just be straight. If you've read many of the posts on this sight, i'm sure you'll have noticed there are plenty of straight guys out there who simply don't have anyone, and are a bit on the sensitive side (I'm one oif them). I can't say for certain, as you know him better than we do.

 

But I'd say for now go with asking him to someplace a little less threatening. For some people, especially if he suspects you are gay, being asked out one on one for a drink can be a big deal, as it can be interpreted as a sign that you are interested in them (which, in this case, is correct). Also, if he suspects you're gay, he might not want to be seen in public with you one on one, simply because he might feel that passers by would assume you two were a couple, which weither he's closeted or straight, he would not want to happen. Is there a chance you could ask him somewhere with some of your other co-workers, particularly a female or two? He might be a little more comfortable in that situation, and perhaps you could separate form the group at some point for a one on one conversation, like offer him a ride home or something.

 

thats just my 2 cents, hope it helped.

mtastic

[SamWiseUp]

Hey mtastic.

 

Thanks for the post and your insights. I did actually invite him to join myself

and another coworker to go out for a drink after work, and as usual, he acts

like that would be cool, but then bows out. If he is gay, I'm sure he's

closeted. I just don't think he'd be that shy with me if here were out to

anyone. I'm very straight acting, and not out at work, so perhaps he's

confused about me too.

 

He seems far too outgoing and comfortable with others to just be a sensitive

straight guy with no partner. I'm not saying that is a bad thing to be, it just doesn't seem to fit him. I know he has friends, he's talked about them. But they're just friends.

 

So, what would be less threatening than going out for a drink but is "socially acceptable?" Maybe "mixed company" is the ticket.

 

Thanks again.

 

SamWiseup

[SamWiseUp]

Well, it's been about a month since I last posted on this. My crush and I have gotten to know each other as friends. We still haven't gotten onto the subject of "us" per se, but we have gone out. Once. He paid, insisted on it, then told me the next day it was his pleasure. At first he was hesitant, but when we got there we had a great time. Dinner, drinks, talk. Today a group of us went out, and he was with us (there were like a dozen of us in a group), and he stuck with me in the crowd the whole time (we were at a museum). Plenty of eye contact, and even some innocent body contact. It was great, but it's like "ok, why do I keep doubting my instincts???"

 

Honestly the suspense is killing me. When we talk, it seems we can talk about any subject, except what the deal is with us. I know he's single, lives alone, and I'm at the point where I'm really not sure I can trust my gaydar. It's never taken 3 months to get from first meeting to really getting to know one another.

 

I just have to know if this is all in my head, or he's just slow, or shy, or playing a game, or what ??? Any advice?

[mtastic]

Hi Sam,

 

Well, it sounds like you're at least making progress, and thats good. Three months may seem like a long time, but then sometimes it takes time. Remember, if he is gay he's most likely closteted, and he may still be trying to "feel you out," and figure out weither you're simply trying to be friendly (which he seems to be responding to), or weither you are looking for more (which it seems he's beginning to drop a few hints about, i.e. eye contact, and subtle physical contact). Besides, even some friendships take time to develop. I have a friend whom I met, and have been on and off friends with since freshman year, but we didn't become really good friends until about may-june of this year (we're both 5th year seniors now), so somtimes things just take time, but it seems like your friendship is developing well at least.

 

Perhaps you should start taking a few risks, not big ones, but just start being a little more forward with him, so you can be a little more sure he's "getting the message." Like start upping the frequency of asking him out for a drink or whatever. Stuff to let him know you're interested. As to exactly what, you'd be a better judge than I would, as you know both him and your situation better than I do.

 

Hope that helped and good luck!

mtastic

[shorty4ever15]

Perhaps you should start taking a few risks, not big ones, but just start being a little more forward with him, so you can be a little more sure he's "getting the message." Like start upping the frequency of asking him out for a drink or whatever. Stuff to let him know you're interested. As to exactly what, you'd be a better judge than I would, as you know both him and your situation better than I do.

 

I agree with mtastic here. Unless somebody starts to take some risks, nothing is going to go anwhere. And, I'm sure you don't always want to wonder "what if?" As a person that is still mostly in the closet, I know how it feels: feeling alone and rejected, like nothing good is ever gonna come accross. Well, you might just have that something good right in the palm of your hands. I'd hate to see you miss an opportunity here. Although, I wouldn't necessarily go straight out and tell him that your gay and you like him. I'd just pick up the "signals" a little bit.

 

As somebody said to me in one of my threads--how does he feel about homosexuals? Maybe you could somehow steer a conversation toward the direction of gay marriage and your opinions on it. Also, be honest to yourself. Are you exaggerating his actions to your own personal benefit, or is he really giving you signals that he likes you?

 

Whatever happens and whatever you decide to do--Good luck!!!

and, feel free to PM me if you want to talk or anything.

[Cadence308]

I agree with Shorty and mtastic...start taking some risks to get somewhere. If there's a lot of eye contact and subtle touching, then it sounds like things are going in the right direction for you. As Shorty said, you need to figure out how he feels about homosexuals. (And Shorty, I said that in your post! It was a good idea...I have to admit.)

 

Many people live alone and you are both in your early 20s, it seems, so I wouldn't totally rely on that as an indication that he's gay. You might even ask him about his dating life like how often does he go out, is he seeing someone, when he dates who does he go out with, etc. If he's gay, he might even take those questions as interest on your part.

 

Keep us posted! It sounds like things are progressing.

[mgirl]

I'm really sick of answering people's posts. The only reason i am writing this is because i went to answer your post and it wouldn't let me delete it.

[SamWiseUp]

Well, guess what happened a few days ago? He came out to me. So, that's one hurdle out of the way. He didn't say whether he had a partner or was seeing anyone, and I was so surprised that he told me that I didn't ask any questions.

 

We're going out (not just the two of us, others from work will be going too) in a few days. We'll just have to see what happens. If I learned anything from this, it's that I really should trust my instincts and not ignore all the signs and signals just because it seems it's too good to be true.

 

So, you guys think I just just go for it? Or should I be cautious and try to find out if I have any competition first?

 

SamWiseUp

[mtastic]

Good to hear Sam At least you know for sure now. Does he know you are gay? You didn't say anything about wi\either or not you told him. I'd suggest wiether or not he knows about you, you ask him if he's seeing anybody (alone of course, as you don't know who else knows about him at this point). I say that because when pursuing anyone, thats a good thing to know up front. Personally, I recently had a girl take 4 weeks (and a few casual dates!) to inform me she had a boyfriend in her home country (she's an exchange student), you can imagine my frustration. This is why i suggest you try to find out, like try to just work it into the conversation, play it cool and all that. Now you're sort of in phase two: you've confirmed that he is gay, now you have to figure out if he's available.

 

Good luck to you,

mtastic

[SamWiseUp]

Thanks. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm gay from the things we've talked about and the way I responded to his coming out. But no, I didn't say "yeah, I'm gay too."

 

I definitely need to find out if he's "available", though it sounded like he's not partnered or dating right now (he didn't say so outright, but this is what I conclude from what he has said). I guess I don't know how to find out any other way than to ask directly, which is one way.

 

I could also ask him out and see what he says. I hope he's not like the girl you mentioned that took 4 weeks. That's really lame.

 

Any suggestions on how to find out? I wonder why he wouldn't mention "someone else" when he came out.

 

SamWiseUp

[mgirl]

Hi Sam,

 

I think you should just ask him out. I'm sure if he's seeing somebody he'd just say, "oh no, i'm seeing someone", or something like that. If i was seeing somebody and somebody else asked me out, i would clarify it with that person that i am in a relationship and that if we were to go out, it would be purely on a friendship basis. That's if i decided to go.

 

There are other ways you can tell if somebody is partnered. If they talk about somebody they spent the weekend with, such as "we did this", or "we did that", then you might assume they have a love interest. I would say for now, keep your ears and eyes open, and when the time is right, you will know this, you can ask him out on a date. It won't be that difficult. You have done the hard part, and that is waiting. Now comes the easy bit.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[SamWiseUp]

Well, we're going out tomorrow night (in a group again), but last night we talked privately (and I confirmed for him then that I am gay) and he said he needs to talk to me about the "arleady taken" issue and that his life was "complicated". Talk about keeping me in suspense!!!!

 

At least we can hang out as friends. That may be where this ends up, and I'll have to let the other feelings fade......or he could totally surprise me to.

 

Oh, the anguish of waiting.

 

SamWiseUp

[shorty4ever15]

Wow!!! It seems that you've gotten pretty far since the last time I checked this thread. I'm happy that things are slowly starting to work out in your favor. I hope that it will eventually turn into something more for your sake, but no matter what, I'm happy for you.

 

Just goes to show to us people struggling with our sexuality and depression that something good can happen if you keep on going with your life and accept yourself as who you are.

 

~Shorty

[SamWiseUp]

No kidding, Shorty. Sometimes it just blows me away. Another gay friend I have says he's pretty sure the guy likes me, but that he is just more passive than what I'm used to (I'm not used to taking the lead as my friend well knows).

 

Gonna have to give a report after tomorrow night I guess.

 

SamWiseUp

[socrates]

I once spent two years of mylife on guy in a similiar situation, after 2 years I opened up to him, he then told me he was in love and memory of a girl. We are still good friends, I still long for him, but I could nt get him, next month he is getting married to a girl.

[SamWiseUp]

Two years you waited? I definitely don't have that much patience. Two more days, maybe.

 

SamWiseUp

[Cadence308]

samwiseup,

 

We are wondering what happened on your date and how it went? Since we haven't heard from you can we assume it's all good?