why was there so much hurt?

[Andymaman]

my gf and i broke up after a 2.5 year relationship a few months ago and i was absolutely devestated. at first it was mutual then i realized her reasons were different to what i thought they were (me not being emotionally expressive enough and that she didn't like the way she was becoming with me (narky and dominating)) which i thought was untrue about her but true about me. i realized what i had lost and pretty much asked to give it another go due to lack of understanding and that i am always ready to try. the answer was no, twice, but we still stay in touch and see one another once a week or so. we have talked about it quite a bit and she is always saying how much i have changed since( for the better) and how she is such a wench. my problem is that we broke up in love (it all started by us actually wanting to see eachother!) so that is why it has taken a while for me to get over it. now, i have finally regained myself and am quite happy being single yet i still think about her alot and the thought of her with another man still upsets me a little. why does she say these nice things about me and actually has noticed that i have changed for the better yet still no second try??? the more i think about our relationship and as time goes on, i realize what she was taking for granted that i DID do and less blame i put on myself, which i think is good. does this mean she is just mixed up and a little cofused? what's the story??? i have moved on now but am still o so interested in why???

[sayer7]

Maybe you're still interested in getting back together because you don't feel the break-up was justified and I think she's not getting back with you because she does think the break up is justified-- and that main problem of the relationship may have been her (blaming herself)-- not you-- and that's what's keeping her from saying 'yes'.

 

I know even if my ex learned to be more mature and treated other people with more respect and dignity I would not go back with him because I absolutely hated who I was when I was with him. I was naggy and vindictive and controlling and angry all the time. I firmly believe we were not compatible to each other. I also know he can find someone else more naturally compatible to him to be happy with, and I can find someone else to be happy with also.

 

I think you have at least learned the importance of positive change in your life- and that's wonderful- but it seems she blames herself for why you guys broke up-- and until she feels she has changed for the better also, and regains self-esteem and self worth- she will continue not to consider reconciliation because doing so would mean the potential for hurting you again.

 

Of course this is just my guess... she might be saying no just because she's stubborn or something.

 

But it's obvious that in her mind the break-up is still justified in some way and that is keeping you guys from getting back together. You might just want to ask her "Why?"

[Andymaman]

thanks sayer, i appreciate your thoughts and think that you are not far from the truth. it is good to see another girl's perspective. yes, she was always saying that she was unsure if it was the right decision but later says she thinks it was. i said i agree if it was not making her feel good to herself. We did have a great relationship and we were a great match but she said she was in a depressive state towards the end and nothing was going well for her at the time.

i think she is subtelly yet constantly prying to start a conversation on what has happened 'girl' wise and 'guy' wise with me.... why?

[sayer7]

With my ex-- even though there is a lot of hurt and resentment inside me still, I know that he is just a man trying to do the best way he has been taught in life. I may not agree with how he lives, or his value system, or his priorities in life-- but I will always want to know if he is happy in life, and that life isn't stagnating- that his life is moving on, and he feels good the way his life is moving/developing.

 

Maybe that's one reason why she's asking you the "What's/Who's New" question. She might feel that if your are happy, then the break-up was the right thing to do - and re-justify her belief that the break-up was justified and necessary-- that the pain wasn't wasted and that at least someone benefitted in the long-run.