Dating journal and random thoughts...

[Timbone]

Mostly I'm jotting this down as a exercise for myself, and possibly to see what others think of the whole situation...

 

I have been seeing a girl that is a friend of a good friend for a couple months now - started March 15.

She lovely, smart, sexy, funny, lively, enjoys my company. A bit of a party girl sometimes, but is also a geek in ways and likes to read and play video games, is a bartender, and works late nights. She is from her own admission and that of my friend, very loyal. She is, however, bipolar. And doesn't want to be on any meds since they have bad side effects for her - slow her down, make her less sharp.

 

We have had quite the whirlwind romance, being attracted to each other and wanting to be around each other a lot - possibly some would say too much at first. But this has slacked some in the last few weeks - partially because of her work schedule and partially because she had a health scare and it has wreaked havoc with her sex drive.

 

She's out of the proverbial woods on the health scare, but will still have some of the problems associated with it for some time, and the meds she was taking for that passed health scare seemed to have messed with her sex drive some more.

 

She's told me that she likes me, and isn't dating anyone else nor having sex with anyone else. As much as we see each other and work I tend to believe her.

 

She has a 6 month rule - if it's not working out by then, she tends to break up with the person if the other person hasn't already done so previous - she says she tends to be the dumpee, not the dump-er, though this was not really the case with her last two relationships.

 

I have thought about her a lot since we started dating. She's spent nights and a couple days over at my place, I've stayed at hers. I haven't been this much up in my own head about a girl in a very long time.

 

I stayed over at her place last night, we talked a little bit about how she doesn't want to stop dating me but she feels bad that she hasn't felt very romantic or sexual lately. I understand as much as I can.

 

We have tentative plans to spend the night together tomorrow night, and if not that night then on Thursday and over into Friday. Saturday is an art gallery opening that she is going to with me, and after that possibly dinner and karaoke - she's quite a good amateur singer.

 

My apologies for just throwing this all out there - I've been meaning to write down everything that has been going on, partially for advice and partially for my flagging memory...

[Timbone]

Part of me thinks that something is just wrong - like she is staying with me right now out of guilt or obliging because of some of the more romantic and sweet things she had said in the past - things that she is not saying so much of now. I am guessing that is because she just isn't feeling very frisky or attractive at the moment and has trouble wanting to say anything related to that.

 

It just seems that things have cooled so much, and with her 6 month 'trial period' being on the table that she might just be letting thigns slack so that I break things off or she appears to have plenty of reason for not wanting to go forward together in the future.

 

Another part of me says that I am just worrying. Dating her til 6 months isn't a very long time and we can have fun together, even if it does end there or before. Her moods and words may not say much, but her actions are loving and she makes plans with me during the week to be together, we cuddle in bed together. She talked about getting me things for my birthday in June. When asked if she wants out because she seems down she says no and that she is happy - or as happy as she can be now with her feelings all muddled up.

 

She had said in the past that she is not sure she can give me what I need - that is she is not sure she can be my girlfriend. I told her I don't need that affirmation right now, and we are already doing what a couple would do anyway - not seeing anyone else or looking to date others. It's only been a few weeks, not even 2 months in yet. I have to keep telling myself that.

[Timbone]

Hmm. Maybe I'm just getting into my head, but she always used to text good morning, haven't got that for a while. My facebook alerts when my friends post things, and she's more interested in checking her facebook than saying anything to me... Maybe I'm just being all doom and gloom about this. Just feels so different than the beginning.

 

She's said that she wants to be with me and wants someone like me around since she feels it's good for her. Just mixed signals and degenerative changes, it feels like. Or maybe things are just settling in to a more normal pace for a relationship at this stage? I don't know.

[Timbone]

Well, I got to the bottom of part of it today.

 

I had texted her a bit before she was going to work, just to say hi and fill her in on the days events. I had gone to a work visit to an offsite location and it felt like a guy there was being overly friendly and flirty with me. I kinda took it that he might have been gay, and told her that I thought he might have been flirting with me and that now I'm attractive on both sides of the fence now and my sexiness knows no boundaries. She laughed and was kinda quiet, so I answered with yeah, you know it's true, you want this.

 

Quiet for a long time.

 

I joked back and said ouch, hurting me with all this silence!

 

She called me later before heading to work. She was very upset. She said that I just have to drop the secual texts and stop trying to be intimate and having sex with her.

 

I asked if this was because of her health scare, and the fact that she found out that she contracted HPV from a past boyfriend (which, because I had sex with her before she found out that she had anything, I now have most likely).

 

She said she thought so, but she didn't know when she was going to want to have sex again, and that I was making her uncomfortable with my advances and teasings - which had been fine before her health scare and all this. She'd said before that she didn't want to be touched, but that was an isolated incident and I thought she was likely having a depressive episode.

 

It's rare for her to want to talk about things like this, from what I know and understand. I told her that I would stop with my advances in that way, that I would wait for her to make the next move. Told her I was sorry and that I didn't want her to feel that way about me, didn't want her to feel awkward and not want to see me, even if she doesn't want to have sex.

 

It's kinda scary to think what can happen now. I likely am a carrier of HPV now - the kind that can cause cervical cancer if I am correct. I may not have it, but there's really no way to know. There's no test for HPV for men.

 

I've read that HPV can be destroyed by the body's immune system, that it can never really show up. I've not had any weird episode or outbreak, so I don't think it's any kind of version of the virus that causes lesions or warts or anything.

 

I really like this girl, despite her flaws. My friends have noticed that I have been somewhat quiet and miserable lately, but it's mostly because I'm worried about her feelings for me, and if we might have a future together, not really that I may have conctracted anything.

 

I am scared to think that I will have to tell any future partners about what I may have (assuming there are future partners), and I don't even know if I have it. Condoms may not even be any help against HPV from what I understand. I'm in a knowledge limbo, so to speak, and I really don't like it. I have to to tell my future partners and trust that future partners might be willing to contract something that could negatively impact them.

 

HPV is very common. Many people have it. It's not a huge danger, but it can be to a certain percentage of people.

 

I feel terrible though. Very uncertain.

 

I think and feel that I should stick things out with this girl, should be there for her and hope that what was so positive and strong in the beginning can be that way again with some time and trust. I could leave her, but then that's showing no faith in what we had and what we could have.

 

I realize that I am contemplating spending more time with someone that is bipolar. She's normally very good, and controlled, and happy. I think she can be that way a lot more often, if I understand and be patient.

 

I just don't really know what to do.

[Timbone]

So she is coming to the gallery. That's good. She may or may not be spending any time at my place on Thursday or Friday. Not so good.

 

So she did her regular call to me to say hi and chat as she was driving in to work, we laughed a bit, seemed as normal as it ever was.

 

This is going to be a long road, I think. Wonder if my patience will really pay off, or she'll just dump me a bit down the way. Odds are 50-50 it seems.

[Timbone]

Looks like no spending time at my place Thursday night or Friday. Family meeting will keep her closer to home on Saturday afternoon, and a long work day will keep her at work on Friday. She might be altering our temporary plan to meet, but at least it's for work and not for meeting someone else or dumping me to spend time with friends. I did suggest in text that I could drop by on Friday during her long shift, and she replied that she was going to ask me to do that, with a smile. Not a bad thing.

 

If she has Monday off, perhaps she'll stay over that night into Thursday. Part of me says it doesn't matter if she does or not since she's obviously not feeling attractive or sexual right now, but I want to show her that I can maintain a hands-off approach to seeing her and not press the issue of physical intimacy. There's a slim, almost negligible chance that she'll stay over on Saturday night to Sunday since as of now she's not working, but that would require her bringing clothes and an overnight bag to the gallery on saturday, which I don't think will happen.

 

She called late last night, as she was heading home, as she tends to do. Catching me up on work and what happened, seeing what I was up to. Nice talk as usual.

 

Feel like things are just falling apart. I'm smitten with this girl but I feel I may have to look elsewhere at some point and I really don't want to. Have to stay patient and deal with this setback.

[Timbone]

well, this sucks. She can't make the gallery because work called her in - no one else to do the shift. I told her I was disappointed but understood, and she said she felt bad and wanted to make it up to me. So I should be seeing her Friday night after her shift, and I'll likely be getting dinner and drinks there and hanging for a bit. She says she could see me Saturday night if she gets off early, but since she has an early shift on Sunday i don't want to keep her out very long, even though she could see the gallery and art walk and such.

 

But I feel less that she doesn't want to see me, and that she was willing to do a family thing with me that would make her uncomfortable, which I appreciated but told her wasn't necessary since meeting a lot of family like that only 2 months in can be nerve-wracking.

 

So, just have to relax and go with the flow on this. Things are in limbo, but I have to accept that.

[EmotionalCreature]

I am sorry to say this, I just don't see much (if any) effort or dedication from her side to this so called relationship, if you can call it that. Also rather surprised nobody else has replied to your posts yet.

 

Understandably, being a man over mid-thirty you may feel like holding onto younger or beautiful women (if she is). Six months rule is totally rubbish, but it's my personal opinion. "If" someone wants to meet you, see you, and she likes you, she will make time, not excuses. I'm not that near your age, but if I was then I wouldn't have 3 months to waste let alone 6 months. Relationship is a two-way street, try not to shower her with gifts or too many compliments. Occasionally show that you care is all well and great, however.

 

I've been in a similar situation before with a woman, at the end of it all I learned that my self-worth is more important than behind over backwards and be someone's option. I do however wish you luck with this girl, just be true to yourself and what "you" really want. A man with patience is sexy, a man with no back bone is not.

[Timbone]

Thanks for the response, Emotional. Actually, we had a long talk this morning after she got off work.

 

She says that she is emotionally empty right now, and that she doesn't feel attraction or sexuality in herself or anyone. She says it is her, and not me, it's her health scare and her bipolar that are making her act this way.

 

I do want to be with her, but she doesn't know when she will come out of this funk, this place where she doesn't want physically affection. I want to be there next to her and show her that I care, and told her so. But after sleeping on it and reading your response here, I wonder if that is the best option.

 

She is saying she doesn't want to hold on to me out of selfishness, because she doesn't know when she will feel different. She also doesn't know if she will come back to feeling the same as she did before. Right now, I am just a close friend.

 

I feel like she's died, and that her ghost haunts me now. She's this hollow replica of the girl I was falling for.

 

I think I will try to see her tonight, but it feels so hopeless. Even hanging out with her on Sunday doesn't feel like a good idea now, even though I told her that I wanted to see her.

 

Perhaps it's best if I let this go. If she does really feel something later, she may contact me again, but that's nothing I can count on.

 

It hurts like hell, and I hate the bastard that infected her with this virus and changed her, that turned her into what she is now.

 

I can try to be strong and stand with her, but I know I'll crack and want to see someone and experience an attraction and affection before too long again.

 

I may lose her forever, but what I have right now isn't that great anyway. I think I need to just be her friend right now, since that's all she can be.

[Timbone]

It's done. We are just friends now. She may recover from this later but I won't hold on to that hope. I told her I would be there for her and if she wants and feels that she can try again to call me.

 

Back to the drawing board, I guess.

[Timbone]

Okay. Didn't think I would be updating this thread this way...

 

So she texted early in the morning Sunday asking if I wanted to hang out on Sunday after her work and after I got back from a family obligation. I said sure, why not, and asking if she wanted to get the rest of her stuff. She said No, just wanted to hang out. I said okay, and asked why the desire to hang out. She said 'Just do'.

If I am going to be her friend I would have to learn how to be in the same room with her and not want to be romantic, so it seemed fine to me. Rather have company while I'm working on a project or watching a movie anyway.

 

So I come home to find her upstairs and in the tub. She's weak, says she has the flu. I know she's been working herself too hard lately. I help her out, get her dried off and dressed. We go downstairs, and I organize a food run while she relaxes and finds us something to watch.

 

After dinner she talks some about how she missed me the last few days, and how a comment I made to her over text about her possibly someday meeting someone that would kickstart her libido could happen, and that I didn't understand how she could say to me that if her libido came back she would date me first. Well, the thought of kickstarting her libido must have appealed to her - that and the thought that she might not ever want intimacy again - so even in her weakened state said she wanted to have sex.

 

I obliged her, and she seems much happier for it now.

 

We talked some more over Monday. She does like dating me and being with me, and doesn't want to date anyone else. We are just dating though, and I have my guard up more now. Anything can happen and I'm not tying myself down to this girl.

 

We are supposed to go to a party this Saturday, maybe something Friday.

 

We'll see what happens next...

[Timbone]

So she stayed over again just last night, she still was not feeling 100% and didn't go in to work. Her fever came and went and came and went again by this morning. I think she'll be well enough to go to work today. She's been more affectionate and accepting of advances, and reaches out for kisses when I walk by sometimes. Grabbed some medicine and dinner last night, just stayed in and I worked on a project some and she played her video games a bit until we got frisky after a back rub and had sex.

 

Still have plans to visit a friend's party on Saturday, then she's likely coming over Sunday evening to stay til Monday.

 

Have to remember that each day is different, and I can't really count on anything more than just dating right now.

[Timbone]

So we spent all weekend together. I wound up spending it at her place though since her brother/roommate was out of town and she prefers her bed to mine, so that was fine with me. We did some shopping and had dinner on Friday, went to a Pride festival on Saturday, and a baseball game of her favorite team and karaoke on Sunday.

 

She did kinda bug me a bit with answering texts and facebook posts while we were at the game. At one point she posted to her ex-boyfriends page or something, that rubbed me the wrong way and I got up abruptly to go to the restroom. She says that they aren't anything and they aren't getting back together and that he doesn't want to get back together either, but it just bugs me. Should I be bothered?

 

I know that she isn't dating anyone else out of respect to me, so that's nice and good and she's a truthful and honest person from what I am gathering from our time together, she offers up information and is free with explanations.

 

She did say something that stuck with me when at karaoke though - just that she generally dated younger guys because they are more accepting of her lifestyle and don't worry so much about the future... I am nearly 38 and she's 32, and it just seems short-sighted to me for her to not plan overmuch on the future. Not worrying about it much I understand, but since she has a bad health history it's like she doesn't want to plan for things that may not come...

 

I wonder if she is just going to go through this Evaluation Period of hers (6 months of dating and see if she/the couple wants to go forward) and call it quits after those 6 months are up... She's pretty good on making future plans and wants to get me birthday gifts when the birthday is a month away, so those are all good signs. It's hard to read her because of the bipolar sometimes.

 

Just dating right now. 2 months in. Taking it a day at a time.

[Timbone]

So she did a nice gesture yesterday and stopped off at my work to say Hi and chat a bit in her car before she had to go to her work. Kissed a little but I could tell she wasn't really wanting to be romantic, seemed depressed.

 

The worst part of the day is when she texted me around when she got off work at 1am, saying that her ex showed up at the event she was working, and not to worry, and that she just wanted to let me know. I didn't see this until a few hours later, and texted saying Oh, Great. and that I think that while she doesn't think he is interested in getting back together, this behavior belies that. Haven't heard anything back, she's still sleeping I suppose.

 

As long as they didn't go out and do something after her shift I'm fine with this, since she didn't have to tell me and had she not I never would have known. I really don't like it though.