23 and dealing with depression

[PurpleButterfly]

Hello - I'm new here (:

 

I'm 23 years old and I'm currently in my final year of my degree. However for the past 3 years I've been dealing with clinical depression and social anxiety. This has caused a problem and seriously affected my studies so now I'm looking in to the process of intermission (leaving studies and returning at a later date). I can't really specifically pin point what has caused my depression but it's completely consumed me and it clouds my judgement on everything. Before you ask, no I have not been "suicidal" but I have pondered what it would be like if I didn't exist. I have been treated by a GP and I am on medication which has worked once it kicked in but I can still feel that shadow of misery inside even when I'm having a good day. I can just feel something looming around me. It has taken away my social life as I have isolated myself from the world because I feel far too anxious to go outside which is very uncharacteristic of me. I feel like I can't face the world and when I'm forced to leave my flat to either go to university or work or even the corner shop I literally break down and become mentally exhausted from it. It has sucked all the enjoyment out of the activities I normally enjoy and I can't focus on anything. For example I can normally watch a film without getting up but whilst I have been depressed I have to pause the film every 5 minutes or so to get up and wander around my flat .... It's really rather maddening.

 

I do go for counselling which is provided at the university but getting regular appointments is next to impossible. I booked an appointment last Wednesday and the earliest I can be seen next is on the 21st of May. As for receiving counselling through my GP I'm on a 6 month waiting list. This is so frustrating because although my family and close friends are away of my mental state, they can't help me professionally. I have made my lecturer aware of my condition but the trouble is that there are 4 others in my class also dealing with depression, so I feel like I'm just another number and probably not taken all that seriously.

 

I don't know what to do in the meantime whilst waiting for treatment. I am taking the medication but my life just seems so ..... I don't even know the word. Pointless maybe? Like I said I'm not suicidal, I would never go through with anything. The only experience of suicidal thoughts that I had was a few weeks ago when I googled the quickest and painless way out. I was sat in my flat and I live next door to a pub and I could hear people singing and dancing and having a good time and I felt so envious/pathetic and weak that I googled. I was put right off by what I read and never thought about it again.

 

My sleeping pattern is a roller-coaster. Sometimes I'm awake for days and other days I just stay in bed with the doors locked and curtains closed. The landlord keeps coming down every week or every other day to do some maintenance work and I just cry and get so angry because I want to be left alone and he is invading my comfort zone.

 

Anyway I'm hoping that someone could share experiences or just offer words of advice as I just need to break free from this hole I'm in.

 

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Sparrow x

[CLIMBK]

Hi sparrow,

I understand how you feel, I have batteled depression for a long time too. There was a point in my life, where every year the same events would repeat themselves, year after year and it wore me down to the point where i did not care. I was on SSRI's for a while which helped, but much like you, on my good days i felt pointless.. on the bad days well you know how that is.

BUT after a long long time i realised the only way to pull out of it and the only thing that can help is you.

I was told by my therapist to pin up notes of the things I HAD to do the next day, and to pin up pictures of what i wanted in life. Then even though it required effort (a lot of it) to actually forced myself to do it. I know how awful it feels to force yourself to do something you really dont want to do.

BUT once i did start on it, i kept going, soon my thoughts were pre-occcupied with thoughts of what i was doing rather than how I should be feeling.. if you see what i mean.

I must point at that at this point i was living alone in a very remote place in the middle east (a tiny village with nothing!) so it was hard finding things to do.. BUT there is always a way.

As for feeling pointless, well i have always maintained that people who go through depression often see the world for how it is, not everything is amazing all the time, and often for long preiods of time, BUT understanding that fact sets you up to be a more level headed and stronger person.

SO when you hear the people in the pub having a great time.. go and join them, happiness attracts happiness.

Not that i think you do.. but someone very wise once told me to stop the SELP PITY, because it destroys everything around it, until there is nothing left. it consumes all the goodness until there is nothing left but IT and YOU!

23 is a very young age.. its a great age to be, go out and do somthing whimisical, something you would never do, take the chances which you wont be able to later on in life!

go travelling, set a goal, save up and go travel! honestly it is the best thing, you meet carefree people, and visit happy places!