Desire is the root of all suffering

[euphoria24]

or so I have read in Buddhist doctrines.

 

right now I desire to be with my guy, and he does not reciprocate , he does not respond to my texts and calls and it really brings me down. So I tell myself that I need to stop expecting him to contact me and I need to let go of expectations I would have in order to be happy with him.

 

How can you not have expectations once you are on a road to reconciliation though?

 

food for thought.

[calichick007]

Euphoria, haven't you only had a few dates with him? He's not "your guy"... I think that's the mistake you're making. You are smothering him. A guy you've been on a few dates with is not a boyfriend, and you can't center your life around him. Do you even give him a chance to contact you, or are you always bombarding him with contact?

[euphoria24]

oh, man calichick007 you hit the nail on the head. He is not my guy I guess. So when do you think he will become my guy?

 

Yes I am bombarding him with contact, but I stopped and he sent me 2 texts today telling me he was free tomorrow and Thursday night so I responded back and invited him to dinner on Thursday and then told him my wed night plans got cancelled and if he wanted to hang out on Thursday or Wednesday. HE HAS NOT RESPONDED! what do I do? just wait, or call him lol, no I wont call him.

[calichick007]

He isn't your guy until you guys have a conversation about making it an exclusive relationship. You've posted yourself that you feel you don't even really know him yet, which means it's too soon to be thinking about being in a relationship with him! You should be dating him, getting to know him, letting him get to know you. You should assume he is dating other people, and you should remain open to dating others as well. Your desperation for a relationship is so obvious, and I think it would be very off-putting to any man. You seem like a sweet person, but writing long love letters and sending text after text after text (unanswered) to someone you hardly know is not normal behavior. You have GOT to take like a million steps back. Nobody wants to be with someone who is needy and smothering. Do NOT contact him again. If he wants to see you, he will come to you. Do you really want him hanging out with you just because you've begged and nagged him into it? Also... you don't have to answer if you don't want, but are you sleeping with him already?

[euphoria24]

Thank you for your wise advice and actually taking the time to knowing the details of my situation. I am impressed with you!

 

Ok, I slept with him on the third date. But it was a disaster. He was too tired and did not finish. I was embarrassed and asked him if it was me and he said not it was him he was just too tired from working. He has been over to my place again after that time but made absolutely no attempts at sleeping with me again he said he was too tired. I find that now I would consider that we are not sleeping together.

 

He works really hard and he is on several medications and sometimes smokes pot so it makes me think he has maybe too much going on to have healthy sexual activity or maybe he just not have the desire for me. This is a sticking point for me because if we are not going to have sex then that could be a deal breaker for me. When I think that thought I feel guilty and I want to reach out to him more and make him feel loved and appreciated so maybe he will feel comfortable enough to have sex again.

 

I think that could be the root of my frustration with all of this. He does not want to have sex with me, so where does that leave us? in the dark.

 

what am I supposed to say when he sends me a text saying "I'm off wed and Thurs nite" and to me that is saying he wants to see me so I send these long responses back asking him to my place to make dinner for him and just going overboard. I could have just sent a simple 'do you want to hang out on Wednesday night?' instead of making it overly complicated.

 

I almost gave up on him yesterday but after he sent me those texts today, I thought he is interested in me and I don't know how to proceed from this point on. Knowing what I have disclosed about our sexual interactions and such what do you think calichick007?

[calichick007]

I think you slept with him way too soon... I think that's what has you treating this as a relationship rather than what it is (casual dating, getting-to-know-you). Most women - myself included - are not cut out for casual sex. It's hard to be physically intimate with someone and not develop feelings or unrealistic expectations, which is why it's best to delay sex until (1) you really know the person and (2) you have *mutually* decided to be exclusive. Being intimate with someone and then having to wonder how they feel about you is an AWFUL feeling, and it's the reason I stopped pretending I was okay with casual sex. I let the guy I'm dating now know that no clothes would be coming off unless and until we are exclusive because I don't ever want to go through that guessing game again. If he ignores your texts and messages, I would imagine he's not that interested. But if you really want to know whether he's interested, you've got to give him space to come to you. As long as you're the one pushing for contact/dates, you'll be left wondering if he's really into you or just going along with what you're putting out.

 

Try reading these... they get me back on track when I start having relationship-y expectations from the guy I am only dating:

 

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[euphoria24]

Thanks for the articles and advice calichick007! You offer some unique insight into my situation definitely. Im glad to hear you have had a similar experience.

 

I want to call him, but I guess I should just wait for a response to my long texts that I sent.

[calichick007]

Yes, sit tight! If he wants to see you, he will respond. You deserve someone who is happy and excited to see you, not someone you have to badger into it.