is he still in love with his ex or me??????

[seren]

Hi everyone...

Im going thru a really hard time tryin to understanda few things, i could really do with peoples views and advice..im lost!!

ive been seeing this guy for a yr and a half now but in the beging fora few mnths we were just "sex" and i was planning to move abroad and he had just broke up woth his last gf.

he broke up with is last gf but even as we were together he told her he still had feelings for her and i was just a shag and he still hoped for them to get back together etc. I didnt know htis at the time but probaly wouldnt have cared then as we were just shag buddies.

the thing is they still keep in touch, he broke up with her as she couldnt take the waiting around for him any longer as she had to move city and he wasnt able to sell his house and was under pressure etc, so they were always kinda unfished as both of them didnt actually want to break up, they felt they had to and agreed to. i knwo he never gave he closure and still hasnt, what i found out now is though is that he wanted to see her while we were officaly together to be with her kinda thing but then he said no to her as he didnt want to hurt her or lead her on. she left to move city and asked to see him and he said no even though it had abeen a year soince they broke up and a year since they had seen each other, he said no to her because he knew he woud want to get close with her if he saw her again and said he always would be tempted if he ever saw her, i know all this cos i read his emails to her, he also asks her for perverted pictures of her and says he always fantasises about her......but he says hes in love with me??? do you thinkes still in love with his ex...what should i do???? they are styill very close and keep in touch almost daily if not atleast weekly.....am i being used or what????? so confused, or is this all normal to want pictyures and fantasise bout her or do you thin it means he still has feelings for her????????????

[DealingWithIt]

Be cautious of boyfriends who still keep in touch with their exs. They can't let go of the past. He's probably with you since you live in the same state...its convenient for him. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I was in the similar situation as you are. My ex was keeping the fact that he was still in contact with his ex, who lives in a different state. They had a long distance relationship, you see.

 

Anyways, when I found out about his midnight calls to her, I flipped out. What kind of bf would have intimate phone calls with his ex while still with me, I wondered. I found out that he still cared for her eventhough he was with me.

 

I decided that its better that we not see each other for awhile. I don't want to share his heart with another girl. It hurts too much.

 

My advice is to let him go. He needs to make up his mind about who he wants to be with.

[SwingFox]

Hi seren,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your questions. I am sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time right now. It looks like that you are focussing a little too much on him.

 

My suggestion is to focus on yourself a little more. Ask yourself how YOU feel over this situation? Wonder what you DO accept and DON'T accept. The answers over those questions define your strategy. I know that you feel very confused, but if you would be okay with all this, then why worry and wonder WHY he is doing all this? Obviously it hurts you, so I would try to ask yourself all these questions and then discuss the answers with your b/f. See what you want to have changed and then ask your b/f what his possibilities are. Communication in this leads to a better understanding.

 

Last but not least, you should evaluate if his needs and yours are still compatible. If not, then it might be a good idea to go your separate ways.

 

I hope that this helped you and I wish you strength and luck the coming period.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[skittles_109]

It sounds like this guy is a dirty little boy. He obviously still has a thing for his ex. Ask him why he likes to fantasize about her and then ask "Am I not enough for you?" See what he says. You can do much better than this you don't have to put up with shit. It would be alright if it was a movies star or something because everyone likes to fantasize about them. But the fact that he's doing this about his ex makes him a little suspicious. If he's going out with u, he should be fantasizing about you... not her.

[jc_man_03]

Look i got some news for you just need to step back and look at it for your self look at how he treats you has he treated you different in anyway in particular. If so then may be he is just using you but like you said the whole thing started as just "Shag buddies" and maybe he does fantise about his ex but hey we can't stop people from thinking can we. But thats besides the point you need to find out for your self come out with it communicate with him just try to talk if he doesnt want to then forget about it and look how you started off with him because it wasnt a very great start should i say. You cant love some one just cuz you feel good when you shag. but i think that you can fix the situation with a talk most of the people on this web site have problems communicating with their partners and your just another victim. you need to talk to have a perfect relationship thats the only way this will all blow over and if you love him like you say you do then youll talk to him about it and if he says he doesnt wanna talk about then just compromise with him and just say hey i need to know something and if understands that you down then hell be a nice guy and help you up if not thats why you got on here to talk to people but good luck in your little venture and i hope every thing works out for you but just remember Keep it real and just CHILL

[Mar]

My thought is that, if you're already "spying" on him and finding out these things, then there's not that foundation of trust. The whole relationship sounds unhealthy so far, since there wasn't one positive thing you could say about it. If he's THAT close to his ex and that worried that he'll jump in the sack with her, then no, he doesn't love you like he should. No one should put up with being second string in a relationship....that's the whole idea of a relationship is monogamy. And, while maybe he hasn't actually SLEPT with her, obviously the thoughts of it are quite strong, and the daily contact he has with her isn't helping any. If my bf was talking to his ex every day instead of talking to ME in that time, or doing something with me, I'd boot him in a heartbeat. I'm not investing the time, money and my HEART for someone who can't reciprocate and be honest with me and faithful to me.