4 Months on - Some Thoughts and thank yous.

[EmergenC]

So i'm about 4 months on from my breakup of a 3.5 year relationship.

 

Nothing essentially has changed. Everything still feels like it was frozen in time since that night. A wine glass knocked off the edge of a table, suspended in mid air. Tid bits have floated back to me from time to time which have been interesting, but nothing changes. Wise words were never truer when I read a quote on here about focusing on what a person DOES and not what they SAY.

 

I'd like to start off by saying thank you to the forum members who took time out to respond to my own threads from time to time. Sometimes it was just great to have someone bounce things off. And how this helped more than anything was by stopping me from screwing up and breaking NC or reaching out in some crazy way. Or doing other insane stuff!

 

Over the last month or so things have become a lot easier. I can feel I still love my ex, but am certainly passed the 'in love' phase. When love isn't reciprocated, I think it's folly to maintain those feelings yourself. You have to love yourself more first and foremost. Not just love, but respect. My own life as an individual is very much back on track and I can't stress how much this has helped me in my own healing process so far.

 

I now find myself reading some of the newer posts from time to time and having those feelings of 'that was me...those thoughts and emotions'. How fast everything seemed to be happening at the time. Hours seemed like long drawn out weeks if there was no response from them. But if there's one thing I learnt more than anything from those beginning stages. It really was to step back and breathe. Take time time time. I look back at my 4 months, and it still feels like the blink of an eye. Everything at the start of break up sends you spiralling into a panic mode. But by spending time on these forums, absorbing opinions and advice, both aimed at others and for myself. I am now able to look back without regret at the way I handled things over the breakup period. I was able to step back and think before making decisions, which is very hard to do during a breakup. But you owe it to yourself to come off the better person through all of this. There's no right or wrong person during a breakup. People can come and go as they please and manipulation and emotional blackmailing will only make you feel worse when you look back. So you can do right by yourself morally. And do right by a person you once loved greatly by giving them the space they choose to take.

 

Four months on and right now, I still look back and see the best relationship I ever had, with the best person I ever met.

But for now I love myself more. I have my own life to be concerned with. I'm not in a panic to find a 'replacement' or go screaming insane after someone who chose to leave me. These days it's all about my life and not having to feel selfish by focusing purely on my own needs and desires.

 

I look back at my own relationship we shared and I see small issues we had. There never was anything we couldn't have worked out, partly why I was so blindsided the night she left. Call it GIGS, call it something else. But I knew earlier last year there was a "call of the wild" starting to stir in her bones, and perhaps in retrospect I should have seen it coming. I remember having a discussion with her one day last summer saying "I just don't feel your hearts quite 100% with us anymore, it feels like the socialising and partying are becoming more of a focus...it doesn't feel about us anymore...more about you".

She assured me at the time it wasn't so. But i'm older than her and I should have known better. Go with your gut because it usually right, love can often blind you of things staring you in the face!

 

Four months on and I see the small argument we had that night was merely a catalyst, an excuse to let things go. But I look back now with no regrets. I've let her be. I've remembered the passion and love we showed each other over the 3.5 years we shared together and I've left her in peace.

I don't know what happens in the future. But thats for her to wonder someday, and for me to just get on and continue focusing on me me me and my life. My personal dreams and desires. You'll only come off the more attractive person for it in the longrun, to them or anyone else. If you respect yourself, other people in turn respect you.

I've not broken down any doors. I've not left bad feelings in the air between us, and four months on I can tell you that feels wonderful. There's nothing nicer than looking back and seeing how you handled things with dignity and without managing to disrespect someone who once meant the world to you. Let them go. I found the strength inside me for the first time to do this without causing chaos on the way out. And I think I found that strength through realising that I really did truly love this person, and know for a good long time, they did too.

Respect them, let them go. Respect yourself, let them go. And what will be will be as long as you didn't leave a trail of destruction in your wake.

 

Big thank you to everyone!

[markie6]

Good luck to you EmergenC

I'd like to start off by saying thank you to the forum members who took time out to respond to my own threads from time to time. Sometimes it was just great to have someone bounce things off. And how this helped more than anything was by stopping me from screwing up and breaking NC or reaching out in some crazy way. Or doing other insane stuff!

 

You seem to have found a little peace of mind

[CindyTime]

Thanks for posting this. It was perfectly timed for me. Over the past week, I've come to this same level of understanding.

 

My BU was almost 9 months ago, but I consider the true BU to be just a little over 4 months ago when my exBF and I talked things through and decided that we would keep moving as is, our separate ways. It was like the BU happened all over again. So you and I are along the same timelines emotionally and mentally.

 

For the many who have read my posts, you'll know that I have somewhat regular contact with my exBF, which makes moving on a slow and sometimes painful process. Some would say that they don't think we are "truly" done with each other. I don't know, but life keeps moving on anyway.

 

As painful as it is dragging it out (like ripping a bandaid off slowly), I look back over these past 4 months with little to no regret. We have mananged to maintain contact in a kind and respectful manner, and that will go along way toward long-term happiness for both of us (and certainly isn't going to hurt any recon that could happen down the road).

 

It has not been an easy road for me, but I look back knowing that I did my best and never lost sight of who I am as a person. That was the most important thing -- to be ME above all things.

 

I've reached a new level of acceptance, whatever it may be, broken and tattered, but I'm moving through it regardless.

 

I've gained so much from reading all the posts here, and athough I don't post as much, I do lurk and I still learn. Thanks to everyone for putting your hearts out there to complete strangers!

[Emma8]

I agree with all of this! SO many people offering such great advice and helping us through one of the most difficult times of our lives. None of us will forget this help.

 

Im 4 months since BU too. But it didnt end well, he was abusive and so I cant relate to hoping he is happy as he put me through a lot and really broke me down as a person.

 

I do hate the fact that it all ended rubbish but he was a game player, liked the power and would change his views and opinions daily. He was a difficult person with a lot of issues and the number of times I tried to make it end nicely failed by him being a complete idiot and saying something nasty or abusive. Only a couple of weeks ago he tried to apologise for his behaviour and how he treated me, but he still couldnt wish for me to be happy. He said he didnt want me to meet anyone or find love again. But again, it was all about his feelings, and what he wanted.

 

I cant forgive him for what he put me through but despite all of that I am starting to accept things and feel like I did everything I could. I certainly wont have any regrets and feel like I have processed everything and dealt with my emotions as best I could, every one of them. I will make sure my head and heart are healed before I embark on any future relationships etc For him, he blocked everything out from day one and moved on with someone else quickly, not dealing with anything, despite still telling me how much he loved me and how we had such connection, he will never get again....he cant deal with it, so tries to forget and force himself to move on. It will catch up with him one day.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Excellent post EmergenC. Great advice about not leaving a trail of destruction behind you that you will regret in the future. Take the high road, keep your nose clean, and keep your dignity.

 

I'm coming up on four months from BU, not anywhere near feeling okay. Being left for someone else is like getting pushed off a cliff by the person you trusted your life to. Nevertheless, I have given her the freedom she wanted, hassle free, in hopes that one day maybe she'll think back about me/us and understand how difficult it has been for me to just leave it be.

[EmergenC]

Excellent post EmergenC. Great advice about not leaving a trail of destruction behind you that you will regret in the future. Take the high road, keep your nose clean, and keep your dignity.

 

I'm coming up on four months from BU, not anywhere near feeling okay. Being left for someone else is like getting pushed off a cliff by the person you trusted your life to. Nevertheless, I have given her the freedom she wanted, hassle free, in hopes that one day maybe she'll think back about me/us and understand how difficult it has been for me to just leave it be.

 

Mine also moved on within a couple of weeks to a guy she had just met a month previous. I had some sneaking suspicions, i'm guessing there was emotional cheating via facebook or something over that last month. But the important thing is, i've stopped being concerned with it. I've stopped trying to work out the reasons for the breakup and just let it be.

 

I think if you can really truly take on-board the whole, 'what will be will be' attitude, it helps tremendously. I guess the distance from the breakup helps your mind to just settle instead of ponder over things.

 

That and reaching acceptance that you don't need to understand everything in order to heal yourself and continue on with the most important thing, which of course is yourself and your own life.

 

At first I was looking for answers, I was trying to work everything out. Thinking that by understanding, would come some kind of peace or something concrete I could hold onto and possibly try to fix.

 

But as I stepped back more and more I felt less of a need to understand and just accept that things like this, love feelings and emotions... can come or go, along with the people that bring it into our lives. There's no stopping them, they are free to make their own decisions and leave any time. No matter how strong the bonds feel between you, ultimately we're owed nothing.

 

I was listening to a song by Wilco the other day called Either Way, and there was a line that went "Maybe you still love me, maybe you don't. Either you will, or you wont".

It just echoed with me and made me think a little more how that's the right attitude to carry.

[rhythm09]

I admire your perseverance, EmergenC. I know you're four months ahead of me, but I wish I can feel what you feel right now.

 

I know it's somewhat wrong to wish to forget everything, I know I'm still in a lot of pain and want it to go away, but I do want to be in the right state of mind to accept and REALLY move on.

 

As my mom said to me, "Time Heals All Wounds." Great post, by the way, and good luck on any future endeavors.