13 years of marriage and don't know what to do or say or anything

[cbrfxr67]

I am writing this because I just don't know how to relate to my wife and how to deal with her. I thought I'd join the forum and see what others had to say about what we are going through. Other forums are more than helpful with dealing with problems and offering info, so I considered a relationship forum might also be just as helpful or at the very least help me to see different points of view on these hard relationship issues.

 

My wife is a good woman, loyal and fierce, but she is often hard to deal with, hard to talk to and there isn't much compromise with her. Example, my family she 'cut off' years ago. She won't have anything to do with them, won't visit, won't even talk about them, at least not in a positive way. So, over the years I have learned to 'buffer' what I say, to keep things peaceful. Our early years were full of fiery arguments and drama. I was younger and was much more hard headed. Loyal though, she has stayed with me through those years. We have a son together who is now ten.

 

We've both made mistakes involving other people. Moreso myself, than her one time of talking to another man. Somehow we have persevered and stayed together. Last year sometime I met another woman at the gym who became very close to me. I told her about my wife and my situation and she seemed unconcerned about my relationship problems. This did go on for a few months but she started tellng me she wanted to replace my wife, or that she should be with my son and I, and my wife shouldn't. Finally I couldn't take anymore, though it was my fault, and I told my wife. I fully expected my wife's violent reaction and she chased that broad off. Turning on me we had many terrible fights since then, even to the point where she punched me in the mouth enough to split my lip badly. I can't say I didn't deserve it.

 

Since then, (about 6 months) things have not settled down much. We barely talked for awhile and then recently we seemed to be on an upswing. This is where I am now and why I am writing this. Today she is on the war horse again. I was going to a different gym, to avoid the woman who I met awhile back but that gym closed. So, I went back to the old gym. I know my wife didn't want me going there because of that woman, but the girl's car wasn't there, nor did I see her. So, I kept going and it has been about two weeks. Last night I told her I'd been going back to the old gym and she exploded. I tried to explain that I simply didn't want to stir things up again, but if the other woman had been there, and I saw her car, then I would tell her. After being called every curse word known to man, I finally told her I don't have any other words to say and left it at that.

 

I don't know how to deal with her. How are you supposed to even want to be in the same room with someone who is cursing and spitting at you like the possessed girl in the exorcist, much less 'talk' about feelings? I thought her punching me in the mouth would mean something, but she says she needs about ten more. There is a ton of more info that go with our story, my point of view, her point of view, but I'd max out my character limit. I'm totally at wit's end. That's why I joined this forum. Thanks for your opinions, input, flaming, etc.

[guynextdoor]

Hate to say it but your marriage is a mess. There's no trust, verbal and physical violence, I don't even know where to start. Honestly if you 2 want this to work I suggest marriage counseling. Figure what you want and find out what she wants.

[SuperDuper]

Your marriage definitely needs some third-party professional help in my opinion. She punched you in the mouth?... and then said you needed 10 more?

All you did was be honest with her and may have flirted with another woman a bit. She doesn't need to assault you.

 

Your wife sounds a little unstable to me.. I think she's insecure about this other woman and I strongly feel you should find another gym to go to (besides the closed one) to avoid rehashing this issue again the future.

 

It sounds like there's other issues on the table besides this other woman, and you can't continually "patch up" your wife's insecurities by changing your actions. She needs to meet you half-way and marriage counselling may be the only reliable option for her to see the light.

 

Good luck

[RedDress]

I agree with the marriage councilling. I think there is a whole spaghetti-plate of issues that needs to be unraveled.

 

I particularly found this interesting:

 

This did go on for a few months but she started tellng me she wanted to replace my wife, or that she should be with my son and I, and my wife shouldn't. Finally I couldn't take anymore, though it was my fault, and I told my wife. I fully expected my wife's violent reaction and she chased that broad off.

 

So... rather than deal with a situation that YOU created, you told your wife, so that she could chase off the other woman and clean up your mess? Why didn't you just deal with it yourself and cut contact with the other woman, tell her she is being inappropriate, etc. Your wife has a valid reason for feeling insecure if you can't/won't deal with threats to your relationship yourself!

 

Then again... violence is never an answer.

 

I think you've built a very toxic dynamic between you and your wife. You need to speak to a professional now to unravel which behaviours are toxic, why you each behave in those ways (what you are trying to achieve by doing that), and create new behaviours and habits. That's not easy - it's a lot of work, and something a forum cannot provide.

[superfan]

This is abuse - physical, emotional verbal....you name it you are experiencing every kind.

 

Honestly I know a lot of people have said counselling but I think you should leave. This woman is abusive. You say she punched you in the mouth but you 'deserved' it because you were talking to another woman? Take a moment to consider how absurd that sounds.

 

If this situation were reversed and it was a woman writing to the forum, talking about how her husband had PUNCHED her hard enough to split her lip for talking to another man, I am sure the reaction from everyone (likely even you) would be GET OUT of this abusive situation.

 

Just because you are male does not mean this is any less physical abuse. I would end it.

[superfan]

Also, does she go off violently towards your son??? I would be worried

[cbrfxr67]

Thank you sincerely for the replies. Yesterday I found a counselor who could fit us in, but my wife had nothing but negative things to say when I asked if the appointment time was good for her schedule. 'Tiring' is the best word describing this. I've thought long and hard about getting out of this relationship. My biggest concern is for my son. I feel like she will end up with some loser who isn't going to treat my son well. Often I've thought of that next man, and I really don't see any decent guy putting up with any of the negativity that I deal with daily.

 

RedDress you are keen to notice that. Yes I did dump it in her lap. Several times I distanced myself from the woman at the gym. One time for four months, refusing her emails, texts, calls but I finally caved and it was like only a weekend had passed and we started talking again. It was only when she began with stressing me out too, that I had enough of both of them and told my wife. I did feel at the time, that if both of them didn't want anything to do with me, that was fine. I was at that point.

 

Again thank you for the replies. Truly there isn't much contentness in this relationship. Through the years I focused on learning how to work on bikes and cars, building projects etc, to find happiness and pass the time. When the girl at the gym seemed so real and happy just to be with me, I felt that connection of an actual joy, being with someone again even though it was in the wrong context. Reading on the net, on counseling sites, it says you can redevelop that with your wife, even if things have gone sour. How do you siphon the poison out of a marriage? ("toxic dynamic" as RedDress impressively put it)