When has a relationship run its course?

[xstar]

I was deciding between posting this in the Break Up thread but decided that here would be more appropriate.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. For the past seven months we've been long distance. It was really hard on me at first and we had a few communication issues but quickly adjusted. My boyfriend is a very nice guy and but he's very emotionally closed off and distant and initially I was struggling whether I could be in an LDR with such a distant guy, however, I found a way to deal with it.

 

Earlier this year, his dad was diagnosed with a terminal cancer. Although I totally understand that he needs time and space to deal with his feelings, the past three weeks have been very different. He's been very distant and not interested in my life (and I am totally not a demanding person). I brought it up a week ago and he told me that he feels very guilty because he can't devote his time to me and even though I'm the perfect girlfriend, the situation is ruining our relationship. The distance in our relationship was me feeling insecure due to his distance and his distancing himself b/c he wasn't comfortable talking about his feelings and growing resentful of that. We talked through it and worked it out, but now a week later, I feel like its back to the way it was.

 

I have plans to see him next week, and I feel like he could careless. Totally emotionally flat. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an exclusive FWB situation, rather than in a relationship in terms of how much he emotionally cares for me. He's never told me he loves me but at the same time he's the most generous, compassionate and thoughtful boyfriend I've ever had.

 

If I feel like my relationship is a FWB, I'm not really sure whether its time to leave. I can't imagine living my life without my boyfriend or ever dating anyone else, but I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop with him.

[badcat3]

Is the long distance temporary? I believe it helps to have an anticipated end date to the long distance, otherwise it might feel pointless to stay in it. I'm in a relationship that is sometimes long distance. When my boyfriend is away, he says the same thing about feeling guilty (due to the nature of his job, he becomes emotionally detached) and it's a struggle for me too. I think you just have be understanding of the fact that your boyfriend is going through something incredibly stressful and sad so if he's putting up walls, it isn't to push you away. If he has been supportive of you and generous, compassionate, etc., I say wait until you see him next week and maybe your feelings will come rushing back. If however he isn't meeting your needs at all and you aren't happy in the relationship anymore, you can absolutely end it.

[Alpine]

It sounds like he is depressed. The what he is feeling and exhibiting - lack of emotional care, lack of divulging information, being 'flat' - sounds like he is obviously upset about his dad's diagnoses of terminal cancer. I think it is important that you know that the way he is acting is probably not because of you or your relationship together, but most likely because of what he is going through with his dad. I can't imagine how awful I would feel if I found out one of my family members had a terminal illness. I think your boyfriend probably needs you more than ever right now. Have you tried talking to him about how he is feeling? Give him all the support he needs, and see if he wants to talk about his feelings with you. I have no doubts that he is probably going through a really hard time at the moment and it's probably got nothing to do with the relationship.

[MadxMythMadame]

I feel like you're more interested in your relationship than how he's feeling - which it isn't as horrible as it sounds. It's a normal defense. Maybe you should try to keep his mind off things for a bit. Visit, talk about different interests, what you've been meaning to do, be witty, ETC. He's not ready to unload any emotions about his dad's situation. It takes a lot out of you when you realize someone has a higher chance of losing their life. I feel like he needs a break from it - not neglecting that it's happening, but acknowledge it and have him do something to relieve it a little bit. If he's not particular loquacious about his feelings, he probably the time to act out without really thinking. Take him shooting, get him a drink, or a shot, go for a run, ETC. Have him do something active to get his mind off things for a little bit. I feel like if you help him relax a little bit, it will ease the sense of pressure.

 

I agree with Karliah - I don't think it's about your relationship; I think your relationship is getting the aftermath, especially for long-distance. You need to get the pressure off your relationship and him, and also need to keep you mind on other things for a bit. Remember, you're together, but individuals as well - you can only do so much for him and he can only do so much for you. Deal with what you can control - if you can't do something, then just let things run their course. It sounds like a rough patch that just needs happen. A year is not long to be with someone - you're going to have more of those with or without him. The question is: Are you okay with go through the rough patch with him? Or Leave and wait for the next rough patch?

[markie6]

Is there a time frame on the LDR becoming a normal relationship ?

[ShootnStar]

This is weird xstar - similar names, similar stories and both first posts. lol

 

I too was in a LDR with my now X and we also had communication issues at times, which was mostly because of the the distance and the frustration that can cause sometimes. 10 months into the relationship I had found out that my mother had a very rare cancer that is not treatable. I was absolutely devastated. I cried and fell apart every time I thought about her or when people would ask me how she's doing. During that time the X was away o/seas and started to make some unreasonable demands via fb (aha yep!) which I could not fathom or understand especially at that time when I needed real support. That was the beginning of the end.

 

Your bf really needs you now more than ever. Of course he's emotionally flat!! He may be for awhile too so be prepared for that and work through it together through conversation. Try not to get too hung up on the small stuff and keep remembering your own words you descibed him as being the most generous, compassionate, thoughtful bf and that you cant imagine life without him.

 

It's not an easy time for either of you but he is not himself at the moment so be strong and not just offer the support, mean it and do it.

[xstar]

These replies are really helpful. I totally understand that he's going through a hard time and that he's allowed to be selfish and flat right now. I guess since its been going on for a few weeks, its easy just to naturally start thinking about myself and if I add any value to the relationship at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm bothering him more than helping. For examples, I call him and he doesn't have anything to talk about, so I tell him something interesting that I learned and 75% of the time he'll say "that's nice. I have to go get dinner, TTYL". I just feel such a huge sting of rejection with how he does these little things and its making me every insecure. It makes sense he'd be dressed, but I'm not sure how to be there for him other than just consisitently doing the same thing (calling him, visiting him) whether I think he wants me to or not.

 

I'm in a 2 year program right now, so when I graduate in Spring 2013 I'll planning on moving to the area where he lives. We'll still be 2 hours apart b/c he lives in a really small town that doesn't have entry level jobs for me, but we'll be able to spend all of our weekends together. I don't think he'll be living in a small town forever (maybe 3-5 years) and I don't want to jeopardize my career fresh out of school.

[Stay_home]

People deal with stress differently. Continue to be there for him and show support but also give him the space he needs to deal witht those emotions.

[xstar]

^ It's hard for me and I don't know how to show support to someone who rarely wants to talk about their feelings, who I can tell is not being completely honest about their feelings and suppressing somethign (not sure if its relationship related or not), who cuts conversations short half the time and who is completely emotionally unavailable.

 

Short of not causing him emotional pain by breaking up with him, I have no idea what he wants or needs and its very hard to stay in a relationship when I feel like I have zero contribution or say in the relationship. I guess that's why I'm so frustrated and am wondering whether it's worth it.