Sadness Lurks in the Shadows . . .

[sarahbear]

Sadness lurks in the deepest shadows of my heart tonight. I have read so many of the posts and know how so many people are feelng, and it doesn't help me to get over this.

So many women (and men), fall in love only to leave the relationship heartbroken for one reason or another-no matter how much we may tell ourselves that we weren't good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough. We just weren't enough, and the reality of that is overwhelming and hard for anyone to deal with. It's difficult to remember when you are in the "pit of despair" that even the most seemingly perfect people (like the "stars") have breakups all the time for lesser things. Perhaps it won't make a difference for anyone out there who like me is trying to put the pieces of their hearts back together, but here is my story:

We dated for about 6 months and everything was going great between my boyfriend and I. It was going really well, and we fit together as if we were the oldest and closest of friends. Sure, he would tell me that he loved me and that he hadn't felt the way he did "in a long time" if ever. And he insisted that I was great, his best friend. Then one day out of the blue, after my heart had already made up its mind I had fallen for him (despite my promise to myself that I would never love again), it was time to let go ... he told me that he "knew where this was going" and told me that he didn't want to date me anymore. The worst part about it was that I was living with him at the time! I had no other place to go .........

But that wasn't the end, and he wanted to just throw our relationship out the window and POOF! PRESTO! be friends just like that! And my heart doesn't work that way. How can you possibly get over someone when you live with them after you have broken up?

So a couple of months go by and my heart is broken... made only worse by the fact that he starts talking on the phone to other women, saying he has to stay late at work, having friends ask me why he is seeing other women, and I have to have enough courage to live there and deal with it? I needed out but didn't have the strength to take that step-take that plunge and leave. I felt like a fool, and still do.

Time has passed and just three days ago, I mustered all of my strength and courage to move out and on with my life. But he was like, "That's a stupid idea" ... and all I kept thinking was that I didn't want to stick around and watch as he started finding someone new again-especially when his only reason for breaking up with me was because he felt that I wanted "to get serious." The truth is, he wants to get serious, probably just not with me ....

So it seems as though it is all going as it should, but it's 11:00 and I am sitting here staring at the walls wondering why in God's name I have any feelings left for this guy. Why after everything have I been through do I still care? Why does what he says to me hurt me so much? It makes absolutely no sense. He wants me to stay his friend, and I don't know how.

But this is all coming to a question: he wants me to stay his friend, and I don't know if I can do it... and yet I don't know how to get away all at the same time. How do I sever this unhealthy emotional attachment? We had an argument tonight and he asked me to leave (after asking me to spend time with him tonight) because as I was leaving, I told him that I missed him.

He feels that even though I have feelings for him, it's unappropriate for me to say anything. Poof! Presto chango-turn yourself into a friend just like that!?? I don't know how to do it.

If I come over, just pretend everything is all right, just pretend we never dated. Just pretend my heart isn't hurting inside. HELP. He asked me to leave because he doesn't want me to tell him how I am feeling anymore and I feel as though I can't help it!

Sadness is closing in on me and I'm not sure how to let this fishie go back out to sea..... and let myself and my heart set itself free.... Any advice you have would be super.

[ce1975]

Hi Sarahbear,

I admire your courage for getting out of the house that you and your boyfriend shared together. I had been with my boyfriend for 7 years and lived together for 6 years and he broke up with me 5 weeks ago. I am looking for a new place to live and it's so hard to be with him in the same house.... the working late, wondering where he is... it's all just so hard to take.

 

I believe that getting out of the house was a big step and slowly you will start to recover.

 

I too wonder how someone can just make their feelings for you disappear just like that. He told me tonight that it's been 5 weeks and I should be over this by now! I don't know how to make myself not care anymore and get over him.

 

I don't really have any advice to offer you... only support. I truly believe that we will have to go through this pain now, but eventually we will grow stronger and then find the person who we are truly meant to be with.

[Clarabelle]

He doesn't want to hear about your feelings because he doesn't want to feel responsible for your pain. So you have a choice: you can acquiesce to his request for friendly meetings, or you can honor your feelings and your process. The latter is harder, but as so many of us on this forum can tell you, it's tough to try to play along with our ex's demands and games, especially when it comes at the expense of our self-respect and esteem. You have shown tremendous strength already.

[sarahbear]

Thanks for your help and advice! I knwo that it is foolish for me to carry on so, but I have the tendency to hold on to things-hold on to people, perhaps longer than I should. Hopefully, someone will learn by my mistakes and make difference choices-ones that hurt less.