Guilt, resentment, letting go

[Guitarguy_82]

What an interesting week this has been...

 

After going through a BU around Xmas...I've noticed that I haven't really gotten over it. I've talked my friends and family's ears off and they have been a big help, but they all think that I need to see a therapist and perhaps get on medication. Well last week I went to go see my doctor and told him what has been going on. He prescribed anti-depressants and I have been taking them for about 5 days. Not sure if they are "working" but we'll see how the next few weeks go.

 

I've also been exercising more and discovering new music and recently was accepted back into community college so I can go get a certificate I've been wanting to get. So to that end I've been "proactive" and at least have some plan in place for moving forward with life.

 

That being said I still think of and miss the ex and while I've been in strict NC for about a month and a half...I'm starting to get the feeling that I want to reach out. My initial reaction is to simply do nothing and not contact her whatsoever nor give her the pleasure of knowing that I'm even thinking about her...but today something changed.

 

I was watching TV after making a nice breakfast for myself after a long run and there was a show on marijuana in California and the people who run a clinic out there. Watching the show was interesting for me because in the past I was never really into that culture (although I smoked a few times in college) and never put much stock into people who smoked.

 

My ex however was a big time pothead and she said she used to smoke almost everyday before we started dating. Initially I was okay with it but I always gave the caveat that if she had to smoke everyday just to be "normal" then something was wrong. I was judgmental in this regard and I know that my opinion bothered her. I feel like we never had a true open communication about it and she had the wrong impression of me. There was one point where I suggested we smoke together (since her roommate had a healthy supply) but for whatever reason I decided not to go down that path with her.

 

Ironically, since the BU I have been wanting to smoke like crazy and actually did a few times with a friend of a friend.

 

Anyway, back to today, after watching that show...I felt immense guilt and regret. I thought "wow...it's not so bad...I've smoked before and enjoyed it....why was I so hard on her? I feel like smoking right now!" I felt at that moment like apologizing to her and telling her that I was sorry for being so harsh and quick to judge and let her know that I was okay with it.

 

The point I think is that I harbor a lot of guilt and regret for how I handled my relationship with her. She was no saint either...very selfish, immature, flaky, and "snuck around"...but me being who I am I place a lot of blame on myself. If I had done this or that maybe she wouldn't have felt the need to be sneaky or would have given us another shot. I tried to "fix" her which was another big mistake of mine.

 

How do I deal with this persistent guilt? The constant blaming?

 

Again, I'm on meds, its been suggested I see a therapist (which I am still considering since it hasn't worked for me in the past), and I've been on strict NC for a good while now. I'm trying to move on with MY life and be positive.

 

But then these setbacks happen and I think of things in a new light or a new perspective and wonder if I should reach out and say something to her. I know the overall advice is to just stick to NC and give it time...but if I ever want to even conceive a reconciliation...then what is the best way to show her that I've "changed my mind" about her and that I'm sorry for being so judgmental?

 

This has really brought me down today and I don't know if it's the meds or my own guilt running over....

 

I had a conversation with a friend via text about this and she said that nothing I do will really change the mind of the ex. Sadly, I had to agree.

 

I guess it's just hard to face the nothingness of knowing she probably will never know that I've "changed" (now or in the future) and she will always have an impression of me that was wrong.

[OracleofDoom]

That's why its life. Now you'll know better for future relationships. Whats to blame? Sometimes things don't work out. I smoke everyday with sobriety streaks of a week to a month thrown in now and again.

[FreeFallFeelin]

I think your regret over the attitude you had towards your ex for smoking, and your present feeling that you need to contact her to clear it up, falls into the 'rehashing the past' category of things, sounds like a way of bargaining to get her back. It kinda seems like in the back of your mind you're thinking that if you show her you've changed, that you realize you were wrong, maybe even show her that you're more alike than you had thought, that maybe she'll come back. I may be wrong but that's what I read.

 

You both probably did things that you will each wish you had done differently. I know I do, in regards to my own recently busted relationship. But that's the thing about this messy chaotic thing we call life - you only get one chance. All you can do is learn, and try to apply what you learn in the future.

 

It's good to acknowledge your mistakes and find your faults and want to make them right. But try not to beat yourself up too much. It wont do either of you any good now. If in the future you reconcile, maybe you can address it then, if you even care at that point.

[TangySour]

I feel ya GuitarGuy. I am in a similiar boat. I was so judgmental and treated her bad. I don't have crazy urges to contact her or anything but I would love nothing than to let her know that I made mistakes, hurt her, and that I'm sorry. I've no need to explain that I've changed. She can and will see it of she chooses to. For me, I think saying sorry would go a long way. For both her and I. I have never apologized for anything in my life with her...

[Guitarguy_82]

Whats to blame? Sometimes things don't work out.

 

I wish I had that frame of mind! For it to be so clean and cut to be done with it. I over think things too much.

 

It kinda seems like in the back of your mind you're thinking that if you show her you've changed, that you realize you were wrong, maybe even show her that you're more alike than you had thought, that maybe she'll come back.

 

Very much so. Perhaps it can be chalked up to a temporary lapse in thinking. Watching the show was, in my opinion, more of a trigger to think about a certain aspect of our relationship that since the BU I hadn't really "thought of" properly.

 

To be honest I would not be interested in reconciling at this moment. I have much to work on with regards to my happiness and future and I feel it would be too soon to talk to her. Down the road who knows...

 

you only get one chance. All you can do is learn, and try to apply what you learn in the future.

 

Indeed. I'm making small progress as I've stated, but I think the main point of my thread today was that I don't like feeling like I've left things "the way they are" and that she will forever think of me as this judgmental person who didn't understand her.

 

Now on the flip side of that I suppose I should remind myself that ultimately I should not care about what she thinks and that my actions will speak louder than any words I might conceivably write to her.

 

I think saying sorry would go a long way.

 

I've always maintained that one should make amends where possible...but will it matter in the end? Does it change the past? Most likely not...but to me it seems like if reconciliation were to EVER happen, that an apology would be a starting point. An apology with no expectation of a response.

 

In the grand scope though I don't think it will help. She was a very stubborn person and had a f**k you attitude about everything. She probably could care less if I apologize or "prove" to her that I've changed somehow.

 

So why am I still going in circles over a person who is so wrong? Apparently I need more time....

[marconi68]

I wouldn't really go the pot direction at the moment if i was you. Hash, like most drugs, enhances the feeling thats inside you. If your feeling happy, it will enhance it. If your feeling depressed, it will enhance that.

 

And you don't want be sitting there, being the world's best philosopher stuck in your velcro seat, eating over-priced munchies from your local gas station, with holes in your shirt.

 

FreeFall- 're-hashing the past' very good pun

[TangySour]

I've always maintained that one should make amends where possible...but will it matter in the end? Does it change the past? Most likely not...but to me it seems like if reconciliation were to EVER happen, that an apology would be a starting point. An apology with no expectation of a response.

 

You are right. It won't change the past. The past is done. The only reason why I want to make amends and apologize at this point in time is to list a huge weight off my shoulder. I have to live with the fact that I hurt someone I deeply care for a lot. I don't expect a response from her but me finally summoning up the courage to finally say sorry and own up to my mistakes is a huge deal for me and will make me feel that much better. As I mentioned, I rarely ever apologize. It is something she clearly dislikes in me. My pride and ego was too much in the last 1.5 years for me to say sorry. I am no longer that person. I am normal now. Sure I want to reconcile, but it'll be a while until we are both at the same point (if ever).

 

For me, Pain of never getting to say sorry to what I have done > Saying sorry + never getting a response (even if I was looking for one)

[Guitarguy_82]

The only reason why I want to make amends and apologize at this point in time is to list a huge weight off my shoulder.

 

If you feel like the guilt is too much to bear and would impede your ability to move forward and you truly regret what you've done...then consider writing a letter. Not a text, not an email. A letter. Write a letter and then sit on it for a week. Don't send it. After that week or so, revisit the letter and then see if you still feel like you need to express your feelings.

 

I made the mistake of writing a letter in haste with my long time ex (not the one I'm currently getting over) and ultimately it just pushed her into the arms of her (then) new lover faster than I could blink. If I had waited and perhaps considered exactly why I felt the need to reach out and apologize then perhaps I could have saved some torment.

 

Again, be prepared for no response or indifference (as in: she responds but doesn't care, which is way worse in my opinion)...but generally people respond to cut and clear honesty if you keep it simple.

[Never2Late]

And you don't want be sitting there, being the world's best philosopher stuck in your velcro seat, eating over-priced munchies from your local gas station, with holes in your shirt.

 

AHAHAHAHAH, too funny!