duke nukem Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Ever a good idea to write the ex a letter explaining that you're moving on, don't contact unless you want to reconcile, etc etc blah blah? Link to comment
drmcsugar Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 You're searching one of those "How to Get Your Ex Back" guide again, aren't you? I personally think it won't make any difference in comparison to an email or even a text. Link to comment
LDRohnos Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I absolutely think so. If you don't want to be contacted then it's always better to say that rather than just ignore someone. Depends on how bold you are...most people aren't bold enough to tell someone else exactly what they want. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 You're searching one of those "How to Get Your Ex Back" guide again, aren't you? I personally think it won't make any difference in comparison to an email or even a text. No, I want to move on but I also want her to know that should she ever consider reconciliation I won't just shut the idea out. She said she wouldn't shut out the idea either, so if that's true I won't just kill all future chances. Link to comment
dumPI Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 No, I want to move on but I also want her to know that should she ever consider reconciliation I won't just shut the idea out. She said she wouldn't shut out the idea either, so if that's true I won't just kill all future chances. Did she really mean it or was it just a way of lessen her guilt? Anyway, that was all YOU needed to know: if she would try again. No need to tell her that you'd try again if she EVER (come on, ever?!) wants to. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Did she really mean it or was it just a way of lessen her guilt? She did seem sincere and has never lied to me, so I don't have a real reason to doubt her. Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Why did you two break up? How long has it been? Why do you want to reconcile? The letter should be for you to clear the air and keep it with you, not the other person. Unless you neglected them and there is a chance to work things out eventually. Link to comment
ryukage99 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Did she really mean it or was it just a way of lessen her guilt? Anyway, that was all YOU needed to know: if she would try again. No need to tell her that you'd try again if she EVER (come on, ever?!) wants to. True,You never know if they come back.For me every time I assume they weren't coming back they come back. It happened with me and this guy that I was on and off for 3 years. Every time I assume it was over with him,he came back to me 4-5 times.Mostly the problem was that I wasn't assertive enough to get who ever it was that was in my way out my way. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Why did you two break up? How long has it been? Why do you want to reconcile? The letter should be for you to clear the air and keep it with you, not the other person. Unless you neglected them and there is a chance to work things out eventually. A mixture of things, me just changing who I was into less than I was when we first met, distance, her hectic life making her depressed. I didn't neglect her but I didn't get to contact her as much as I could have. Still at least texted every day though. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I absolutely think so. If you don't want to be contacted then it's always better to say that rather than just ignore someone. Depends on how bold you are...most people aren't bold enough to tell someone else exactly what they want. I would only agree if they went on a couple dates and she kept bugging him. When someone breaks up, the break up serves as "its over, don't contact me". I would only write if she really needs it to hit home as in she calls him several times a day. If she has not contacted him sense the break up or only once or twice after they hashed things out and they both understood it was over, then its not necessary. When she calls, don't answer her back for a few days. She will get it. And if she doesn't just tellher "please do not call me." A letter to someone who is already winding down on the contact is almost an invitation for them to contact you more Link to comment
doiiiieeezie Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I would give space and allow things to happen, because the letter you mention that is common in Breakup/Make up e-books would be counter-productive at this point. In your situation I would give her distance and show that you care if needed, but at the same time get on with your life. She needs to take responsibility for her own side of the breakup as well. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 I would only agree if they went on a couple dates and she kept bugging him. When someone breaks up, the break up serves as "its over, don't contact me". I would only write if she really needs it to hit home as in she calls him several times a day. If she has not contacted him sense the break up or only once or twice after they hashed things out and they both understood it was over, then its not necessary. When she calls, don't answer her back for a few days. She will get it. And if she doesn't just tellher "please do not call me." A letter to someone who is already winding down on the contact is almost an invitation for them to contact you more Thanks. We did hang out and communicate after the breakup. She "Didn't want a relationship with anyone right now" when we broke up, but now she's seeing a guy who just broke off with his ex now that she's happy again. Damn, every time I say that it makes her sound evil but she really isn't, I was just kind of blind I suppose. I would give space and allow things to happen, because the letter you mention that is common in Breakup/Make up e-books would be counter-productive at this point. In your situation I would give her distance and show that you care if needed, but at the same time get on with your life. She needs to take responsibility for her own side of the breakup as well. Thanks for the input. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Well, if she has moved on and is dating someone else, your letter is sort of "Okay...here i go...I am not talking to you....I am really going now...see....I am really not going to talk to you. Don't call me okay? Because i really mean it. I know you really really want to call me. But don't even think about it okay?.....Are you thinking about it?" It is sort of a 'so there'. I think the note would be more for you and you should not send it in that case. Because its obvious she has moved on and is not contacting you. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Well, if she has moved on and is dating someone else, your letter is sort of "Okay...here i go...I am not talking to you....I am really going now...see....I am really not going to talk to you. Don't call me okay? Because i really mean it. I know you really really want to call me. But don't even think about it okay?.....Are you thinking about it?" It is sort of a 'so there'. I think the note would be more for you and you should not send it in that case. Because its obvious she has moved on and is not contacting you. Yeah, that was one of the things I was thinking of. I probably won't send her a letter. Though I do want to apologize to her mother. Not exactly sure how or when to go about that... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Yeah, that was one of the things I was thinking of. I probably won't send her a letter. Though I do want to apologize to her mother. Not exactly sure how or when to go about that... Why? If you want to say "sorry that your daughter and i broke up" - don't. If you did something really, really bad to her mom that had nothing to do with the breakup....it depends on what it was, really. if its nothing major, could it just be an attempt to make contact? Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Why? If you want to say "sorry that your daughter and i broke up" - don't. If you did something really, really bad to her mom that had nothing to do with the breakup....it depends on what it was, really. if its nothing major, could it just be an attempt to make contact? No, this is just a personal thing. I wasn't the best person towards her and she resented me at times, and other times she was all eager to her what the ex and I were up to. She did hug me at Christmas time though. She might be bipolar, hates her job. I feel bad for her really now that I take a step back. It's more of a personal atonement thing, something I feel I should do to get to being the better person I want to be. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Well...if you did nothing 'wrong' but just wasn't as friendly as you could be, I would let it go. I think if you broke her vase or busted her car or said something nasty that affected her rep with others, but if you just weren't always the sunniest towards her or you COULD have been nicer, it might be just a ploy to make contact or put your foot back in the door. I would let it go, and just use it as a lesson for when you have a new girlfriend to make it a point to be kind and gentlemanly to her mom. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Well...if you did nothing 'wrong' but just wasn't as friendly as you could be, I would let it go. I think if you broke her vase or busted her car or said something nasty that affected her rep with others, but if you just weren't always the sunniest towards her or you COULD have been nicer, it might be just a ploy to make contact or put your foot back in the door. I would let it go, and just use it as a lesson for when you have a new girlfriend to make it a point to be kind and gentlemanly to her mom. No it's not that I'm trying to stop by when the ex is home or anything, it's just for me. Link to comment
xcrunner Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. Don't say you're moving on, just do it. From the dumper's perspective, letters written soon after a break-up always have manipulation and intent written all over them. Give it many months of productive no contact and then maybe send a letter. At least then you will contemplating from a position of greater strength. Link to comment
duke nukem Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. Don't say you're moving on, just do it. From the dumper's perspective, letters written soon after a break-up always have manipulation and intent written all over them. Give it many months of productive no contact and then maybe send a letter. At least then you will contemplating from a position of greater strength. Yeah, thought about that too. So then why the hell'd I ask! Link to comment
ryukage99 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Actions speak louder than words. Don't say you're moving on, just do it. From the dumper's perspective, letters written soon after a break-up always have manipulation and intent written all over them. Give it many months of productive no contact and then maybe send a letter. At least then you will contemplating from a position of greater strength. True,By then they start to develop dumper's remorse or dumper's jealousy even if the dumpee hasn't moved on but appeared to be at in the short term. But I wonder is possible for dumpers to have dumper's remorse or jealousy even they no longer have any feelings for the dumpee or never had any in the first place? It happened to me years ago,I was on both ends of it with two different people. Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Sending a letter to say that you are "moving on" is telling her that you are NOT "moving on." Actions speak louder than words and your actions are in direct contradiction of the words that you contemplate writing. You mentioned that she stated she was open to the possibility - that is all you need. As long as she is open to it, and adopting a "never say never" approach - you have your answer, the choice is hers in the future to act upon or not. Remember there are no time lines involved so it would be best for you not to wait around. Your frustration would grow if you tried to put a date on it and that isn't healthy for you. As far as her mother is concerned, she hugged you when you saw her at the holidays. I would consider this resolved. If you apologized, she may just be confused as to why. If she discussed this with your ex, your ex might view this as manipulation on your part (and behind her back) to attempt to gain her mother as an ally for you both to reconcile. Leave it be. It is good where it is at. Remember, your can't make a mistake by doing nothing. Doing anything can influence outcomes. Even though you have the best intentions it may not be perceived that way from her perspective. Her perception will serve as her reality. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 If you want to apologize to the mom for you, write a letter that you don't send or journal. Unless you did something really, really big to hurt her reputation in the community i would not say another word to any of them for now. If you legitimately accidentally run into the mother at the mall and she comes and stops to talk to you - a brief "i am sorry that I wasn't always nice as I could have been." is okay i think but don't seek her out. WHen you do, the other person feels like they have to do something. Link to comment
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