Day 3

[diariescs]

It was an abrupt end. A vicious fight that ended with my phone line cut and me gathering up as much of my clothes as I could to find solace in my sister's house.

 

Today, I feel a little stronger, and I'm wondering if there's anything of mine in the home we shared that's worth coming back for (to collect)now. I lived with him for about a year and was with him for longer (supposed-to-be three years next week). I'm wondering if toiletries, some jewelry and some books are worth the pain of seeing the home we shared so soon after our breakup.

 

He felt like I wasn't doing enough. That after three years, I don't care enough to play housewife since he was "working all day" (which, btw, meant he was sitting in an office, sometimes doing something, other times watching movies on netflix or masturbating). He didn't take into consideration the fact that I'm taking my Board Exam in a few days, that I have been going to school and working for longer than he's known me. It's like he forgot that when he met me, we had explosive fights about how I couldn't just let him take care of me. Moving in with him was such a big deal for me. I told him over and over that the little I earn goes to books and tuition, and that was the reason I was living with my family. He reassured me, over and over, that he wanted to take care of me. That working towards my profession would benefit our future in the end. We agreed that when I am done (within a year, at the time), he would go back to school and I would work, and we would leap frog this way until we've achieved our professional goals. It was the only way I could ever feel right about moving in with someone without contributing financially. The IOU situation made it easier for me to enjoy the advantages of living with the person I loved. I was grateful for his care. At least I thought I was. But, according to him, there's a difference between being grateful and showing it by doing chores. He said cooking and washing the dishes and occasionally tidying up was "bare minimum" and didn't warrant his own gratitude.

 

It makes me so sad, because I have given so much of myself to him. I've compromised so much, surrendered even more. It was a huge mistake to ever have trusted someone with so much of your vulnerabilities, especially when they turn around and tell you they don't think you're worth half as much as you think you do. That you couldn't really survive on your own. I was going to delay medical school for him. I excused so much of his unacceptable behavior because "he was trying" and I really thought rewarding the effort was the good-girl thing to do. I had defended him to everyone. I took his childish temper and his insecurities, and supported him through his slow self-improvement. I loved him through his failures, and swallowed his inability to truly be happy for me, because there were moments of pure bliss when he pampered me and made me feel better. It hurts so bad that he said "You were there for me emotionally and physically, but that's it." Oh my god, how could that be such a bad thing? Chores and money. Somehow, our relationship - three years of so many other meaningful things - was reduced to those two things that I couldn't give him at the moment.

 

There's so much more to this story, and I know I'm probably not giving it or him justice. I'm just so all over the place right now. I just needed to vent. Need to know that I'm not alone. Need to be strong. Need to pretend I don't care, that I don't even know that he's out there, playing bachelor, while I'm trying to find a sanctuary because my home.. Well, apparently, it was never mine. It was his to tell me to pack my bags from. It was his to keep. Not that I would've wanted to stay, anyway. I just-- It's hard to be heart broken when you also have to find a place to call your own.

 

Love,

C.

[Bluezilla]

You sound like a wonderful person and another that does not deserve this. I can only tell you to be strong and you will get through this. I am trying hard as well.

[pippy longstocking]

hiya diarie

 

sorry your hurting so bad ..

 

your not alone we are all at different stages of the journey ...stay strong , you will come out the other side of this.