What are breadcrumbs???

[feellikeafool]

Firstly i have no idea what breadcrumbs are and whether i am being given some.

 

Ok i'm gonna start my story from the beginning as its been a while since ive been on here.

 

March last year i met my ex, connection was instant and became inseparable, down to even the next day we called in sick to work and spent the day together. that would happen often in the 1st few weeks. within 2 weeks we introduced kids and family into the relationship. end of april we went on a family holiday a day after returning he went away on business abroad. this was meant to be for a few weeks. May 2nd my dad passed away, he flew straight back and got back the day before the funeral. things couldnt have been better between us at this point. we were even thinking of moving in together.

 

In june i found he had sent some emails to some girl he had been speaking to online before he met me. I was devastated and the trust was broken. i dont know how but we managed to kind of plod along but the arguments started, slowly but surly they got worse. little things would turn into huge things, i would fly off the handle, he then started to act strange too, we started spending less time together, he started lying about where he was and what he was doing, not due to him seeing other people but just because he didnt want to see me, so he would say hes at work when really he was at home, or say he was having friends around when he was home alone. this frustrated me more and we argued more cos to me i suppose whatever the reason behind the lies, they were lies all the same and they hurt.

 

The relationship became on/off we both had a hard time letting go because even though we were arguing mixed in were some great times and we did love eachother.

 

September comes, hes now moving closer to me to do his masters at uni. By now a lot has been said and done arguements are daily. A week before he moves we decide that its best to just cut lose all together. So october comes and we still havent managed to cut off completely although he started to say he wanted to experience different things. Dating other girls, meeting new people, clubbing etc. All things i have done but at the age of 33 he hasnt and i suppose uni was the best place for him to experience these things. i was obviously upset but by mid october it ended, i left for india with my dads ashes. a day before leaving i had told him i was coming to see him, he even knew wat time. So i arrive to see him walking off to a party. We argue and i leave for india. On return from india contact resumes, he apologises and says how bad he felt for what he did etc. We kind of get back together, he says he cant do without me but wants to experience these things so cant be with me exclusively.

 

Things remained the same, we would argue daily about trivial things, well i would argue and he would just take it and listen for most of the part.

 

November we tried to be friends but that was too much too soon as we would always fall back into the same trap, he always kept me separate from his uni life and friends saying he didnt want me to be part of that life. Never tell me what he was doing, who he was with, just kind of let go altogether, his bday came and went i arranged something really special and was gonna see him that evening, he rang me at 4pm and said he decided to go spend his bday with his work mates, xmas i got him gift and got nothing in return, not that it really matters just giving you a feel for how things went. To add to this i had turned into the horrible, calling, texting, begging pleading, crazy ex.

 

So a day before new years eve i decide enough is enough, new year new start we cant keep doing this to eachother, neither of us were the same, 2 battered broken and bruised people and it wasnt a nice sight. So the last time we saw eachother, day before new years eve. A quick happy new year call on new years day and thats it.

 

10th Jan he sends an email to my friend telling her how much he misses me, i call him, he says ignore it, hes sorry he sent it, he didnt think she would tell me (yeh right) he was having a bad day and felt lonely. so i tell him to leave me alone and let me pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

 

30th Jan, his exams are over, i send him an email very closed no questions he doesnt have to respond 'hope your good and your exams went well' he replies within seconds. So communication open, 3-4 emails daily and just small talk catching up, within 3 days that turns to contact by hourly text messaging, he touched on the subject of the past and i quickly ended it by saying for me its in the past, i have dealt with it and i dont need to go over it, i dont feel it needs to be discussed. he tells me 2-3 times how hard i am to get over, has once told me how much he has missed me, i either ignore or say its good we can be friends.

 

So monday we meet up, we go bowling, lots of flirting, we go cinema, it was freezing but he gave me his jacket to keep warm and got cold himself, we got cosy, i put my head on his shoulder and held his arm. it was nice, kind of like how we used to be so relaxed no stress or tension. he drops me home, in the car i say bye and go to hug him, he hugs back i pull back before he does he continues to hug me and kisses me on the cheek. i get out of the car and come indoors. oh on the way home he tells me how he triple booked that evening, he also had salsa class and had arranged to see his kids. I'm shocked that he actually didnt cancel as normally i never got a look in, his social life always came 1st especially with salsa class!

 

so that same nite the texts continue, had a great nite etc etc and that he felt like kissing me so bad, i replied by saying im glad he had self control and that i actually wanted to too but it wouldnt be a gud idea.

 

next day i thank him for changing his plans and coming to see me as and again thank him for a gud nite out. so we kind of at the flirty text stage now and also calling eachother old tease names, not so much pets names but stuff we used to tease eachother about, hes referred to missing the sex ALOT and has also told me how hes tried to find dates, its hard to find what we had.

 

He would neva text me back when he was either at work, with family or with friends as he said he thought it was rude. we since we have been in touch again he has texted, when he is at work and with friends. he has also opened up, i ask no questions about who hes with whats hes doing or been doing, he tells me himself which is cool.

 

What i want to know is should i take these as signs of improvement and encouragement? i am well over the relationship none of my old hang ups exist anymore, it seems he has learnt a few things too. we have both agreed we are being friends, he has openly told me he has tried to date other girls and is on dating websites. I just dont know what to think, i'm at a happy stage where we can be really be friends but then the texting and flirting everyday will need to stop. I just dont know what to think and what to do. Should i just carry on the way i have and see what happens?

 

oh the same guy that didnt want me part of his uni life also said the next time he has a get together with his uni friends i will get an invite. i cant figure it out.

 

Help please some one

[Gerda]

March last year i met my ex, connection was instant and became inseparable, down to even the next day we called in sick to work and spent the day together. that would happen often in the 1st few weeks.

I'm sorry, but this is not appropriate, certainly not an indication that you guys have a good connection. It's an indication that you guys are both fine with lying to people you have obligations to--repeatedly.

What i want to know is should i take these as signs of improvement and encouragement? i am well over the relationship none of my old hang ups exist anymore, it seems he has learnt a few things too. we have both agreed we are being friends, he has openly told me he has tried to date other girls and is on dating websites. I just dont know what to think, i'm at a happy stage where we can be really be friends but then the texting and flirting everyday will need to stop. I just dont know what to think and what to do. Should i just carry on the way i have and see what happens?

Leave this guy alone. He's treated you horribly. He's not even your friend. You are not over him, obviously, and you still have at least one hang up--him. Seriously, just move on. I cannot believe somebody would even consider hanging around with somebody who lied to them so much.

 

For future reference--don't lie. And don't tolerate lies. It saves you a lot of pain.

 

Almost forgot to answer your original question. Breadcrumbs are little bits of nothing that an ex tosses out to you, the way you toss bread at ducks at a pond, to lure you along a path. There's hardly any substance to them, just enough to keep you pecking along after them. Birthday texts, "Hope you are doing well!" texts, "Just thinking about you..." emails--these are all breadcrumbs, and to be expected when you split with somebody. Don't fall for it.

[feellikeafool]

Thank for you for the judgement...just out of curiosity are you on this site to help people or cause them more pain? I thought this site was to help one another not to place judgement....im sure your not perfect and done things you regret and im sure most people have called in sick at work for one reason or another other than actually being sick!

 

How is it obvious that i'm not over him and still have a hang up? some people, come here looking for some compassion and advice and find someone on the their own war path!

[feellikeafool]

All this from someone that started an affair behind her husbands back? i guess that wasn't appropriate and showed what obligations you held towards the man that you married. maybe you need to seek advice from your own future reference and save yourself a lot of pain!

[Gerda]

Oh calm down. I'm not on a war path and I have NO INTEREST in getting into it with you, give me a break, I don't post on the "eNotAlone" to argue with people. If you can't deal with somebody pointing out that lying to your employers is wrong, then don't post about it as evidence that you had a great relationship. I was only stating something completely obvious. Your relationship started off with dishonesty from Day 2, and that is why I mentioned it. This guy was lying to his employer from the second day, then it should have come as no surprise to you that he lied to you over and over. I was giving you some very sincere advice. If you want to ignore it because it hurts your pride, then go ahead. Date liars. That will really show me.

 

And oh wow, you can look up my posts and try to find dirt to use against me. For your information, I never had an affair. You're going to have to do more than skim my most recent posts if you want to know the actual story. But I did do something wrong, and I'll tell you--I accepted my wrongdoing rather than flipping out that somebody pointed it out.

[lonelyheart2]

I can't of agree with feellikeafool that first comment wasn't really fair Gerda

[lonelyheart2]

I meant I do agree...

[Scuza]

Thank for you for the judgement...just out of curiosity are you on this site to help people or cause them more pain? I thought this site was to help one another not to place judgement....im sure your not perfect and done things you regret and im sure most people have called in sick at work for one reason or another other than actually being sick!

 

How is it obvious that i'm not over him and still have a hang up? some people, come here looking for some compassion and advice and find someone on the their own war path!

 

I agree with Gerda, blowing off commitments to work to see them is an unhealthy practice, not a sign of commitment to you. That should send up red flags right away.

And this guy is definitely not your friend, he is flirting and texting to see if he can land a FWB situation with you, all the benefits of a relationship without needing to commit to you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He wouldn't be out dating other girls.

This section of the forum is dedicated to those who are seeking to heal and live their life without the pain that comes after a breakup. It is about realizing self-worth that may have been lost in the turmoil, recognizing faults in one's behavior and correcting those faults.

This thread seems more inclined for hope of reconciliation, I'm unsure why this is in Healing After BU/Divorce rather than GBT.

[feellikeafool]

Thank you lonely heart2, i wont get in to an argument about it, i dont think calling in sick to work warrants as enough evidence to place judgement on a person. If that was a sure fire sign that i was getting involved with a liar then surely that also counts for me and yet i did not go on to lie to him

[feellikeafool]

Hi Scuza, a day after meeting we were not committed i was just trying to explain how fast things went...man do i now regret even mentioning it. but then surely does the same not apply to me? we were caught up in the heat of the moment, wanted to spend time together after connecting with someone when we had both spent years alone. he is self employed so could blow off work as and wen he wanted, i was working as a temp so could blow off work as and when i wanted. i dont feel it is a red flag cos like i say that would also apply to me too.

 

yeh the FWB thing makes sense and def not something i would want to get involved in, i suppose i never thought of it that way.

 

sorry if i posted it in the wrong section, ive been reading posts on here since September but very rarely posted.

[Gerda]

I can't of agree with feellikeafool that first comment wasn't really fair Gerda

Maybe neither of you have been in a management position and had your day totally ruined by somebody calling in sick or had to come in on your day off to cover for someone who was "sick." Maybe you've never been on a staff where somebody called in sick and you had to pick up the slack. Maybe you've never received subpar service from a company because they were understaffed due to somebody calling in sick. Calling in sick when you are not is something all of us do from time to time--but to do it "repeatedly" so you can spend time with a new love interest is not cool. It says, "My pleasure is more important than the commitments I have made. My pleasure is more important than my coworkers, supervisors, or clients."

 

I wouldn't have mentioned it had she not gone on to say that he lied to her over and over about where he was, which is what he did from the very second day. Here's another big piece of wisdom--if a person will lie to others about you, they'll lie to you about others. Honestly--I cannot stand hearing somebody even tell the littlest white lie in front of me, it makes me cringe because I'm not so arrogant to think that it's only OTHER PEOPLE that they are lying to--it means they're lying to me, too.

 

he is self employed so could blow off work as and wen he wanted, i was working as a temp so could blow off work as and when i wanted. i dont feel it is a red flag cos like i say that would also apply to me too.

I will leave out any comments about how "blowing off" work is wrong, let's just drop that whole thing, but regardless of whether you are capable of lying to your employer "repeatedly" while maintaining complete honesty in your relationship, you should STILL see somebody neglecting their obligations to pursue pleasure as a red flag. I think the rest of what you have said bears this out. You said he lied to you, saying he was at work, when he wasn't--to avoid you. No surprise since he bailed on work to be with you. He also knows your honesty is less than stellar, because he knows you lied to your employer about him--so he's not going to feel any special obligation to be 100% straight shooting with you. This is how it works. If you are dishonest, people are not going to feel especially obligated to be honest with you. If they know you lie, they're a lot more likely to LIE to you. If, on the other hand, you have said from the beginning that you do not tolerate dishonesty, even about little things--you're a lot more likely to get honesty.

[JA0371]

Being in management myself I understand the point GErda is trying to make ...but I think the post digressed a bit. As far as breadcrumbs, do you think this guy is tossing them to you? Who knows? But more than likely, yes. Your gut and your intuition should tell you that. Listen to it. Also, don't listen to this guys words, watch his actions. Does he follow up on things or does he flake? Someone who is serious, makes plans and follows through with them. He doesn't just tell you what you want to hear to keep you there, in case he needs you. If this guy says he wants to something with you more than a few times, but always has an excuse not to, then yes you are being fed breadcrumbs. It's up to you to end it.

[feellikeafool]

Gerda thank you very much for all your wisdom and advice, i am wrong and evidently deserved to have my heart broken and trampled on...i dont know if your intention was to make me feel like crap about myself but you have done a great job. i honestly thought this site was so people could support each other, instead i feel attacked. im sorry im not up to your standards, im sorry you feel i deserved what came, im sorry i felt the urge to ask for advice and sorry that your attack has driven me to tears!

[lonelyheart2]

Wo Gerda! I sense that you have had to go in because people have called in sick a lot...that's sounds an awful lot to me like it is a personal issue you have here! I actually have had to come in a lot because people have called in sick, sure it was kind of annoying but I didn't see it as that big a deal. Relax I'm sure she didn't do it more than a couple of times here and there! Remember that feellikeafool is in a VERY emotional place right now and needs support more than anything, maybe your first paragraph should have been left out of your post.....

[JA0371]

FLAF..I don't think GErda was trying to attack you, I think the focus was just on the wrong thing..you calling from work under the guise of being sick. I don't think it was that, as much as having the ability to be dishonest with other people, outside of your relationship, that sets a precedent in your relationships. Hence catching your ex in lies etc...seems it just got blown way out of proportion. Hope you get the answers you are seeking.

[feellikeafool]

Being in management myself I understand the point GErda is trying to make ...but I think the post digressed a bit. As far as breadcrumbs, do you think this guy is tossing them to you? Who knows? But more than likely, yes. Your gut and your intuition should tell you that. Listen to it. Also, don't listen to this guys words, watch his actions. Does he follow up on things or does he flake? Someone who is serious, makes plans and follows through with them. He doesn't just tell you what you want to hear to keep you there, in case he needs you. If this guy says he wants to something with you more than a few times, but always has an excuse not to, then yes you are being fed breadcrumbs. It's up to you to end it.

 

Hey,

 

I get the point myself but think the points being made are a bit harsh taking into consideration how people may be feeling on this forum, people come here in a time of need, when they are feeling low, weak and vunerable and dont expect to be attacked. i get the point as i own my own business but im not on a forum for bosses or management about how staff taking off time. at the time i was a temp and single mother and would call in the morning to see if work was available and whether i wanted to take it, he is and was self employed and worked his own hours to suit him. I honestly feel bullied and worse off for writing this post.

 

Back to the real issue.

 

I dont think he is throwing breadcrumbs, it might be harmless flirting he might be testing waters to see how i react, if things have changed we have both said we are scared of falling back into the same old relationship, i could be completely wrong and at the most he is killing time with me til someone else comes along.

 

my gut intuition this time isnt really telling me anything thats the problem, i dont know if this is because that same intense feeling isnt there.

 

as for the words against actions, its still early days we only just met on monday and in my head that went fine, if he wanted sex would he not have tried to initiate it? i held his arm, i put my head on his shoulder he said he wanted to kiss me but held back if he was after sex would he not have just initiated it by trying to kiss me and see how i react? he has said he will invite me when he has a gathering so i suppose we will see. he showed up on monday even though he had other plans so i suppose that is an action.

 

since monday haven't really discussed meeting up again other than him saying he would invite me.

 

This is so confusing

[feellikeafool]

Wo Gerda! I sense that you have had to go in because people have called in sick a lot...that's sounds an awful lot to me like it is a personal issue you have here! I actually have had to come in a lot because people have called in sick, sure it was kind of annoying but I didn't see it as that big a deal. Relax I'm sure she didn't do it more than a couple of times here and there! Remember that feellikeafool is in a VERY emotional place right now and needs support more than anything, maybe your first paragraph should have been left out of your post.....

 

thank you once again, i wish i had left that para out or maybe explained our positions at work a bit more. i really wish i hadn't posted at all.

[JA0371]

Fair enough. I never had an issue with you calling out of work, was merely offering a management POV on those things.

However you seem defensive to my direct answer to your question as it seems you have all your own answers. Anyway,as I said before, I hope you get the answers you are seeking. Best in all.

[digdug]

This thread is WAY of course ... there is nothing constructive going on. Honestly, I see everyone's point of view ... but, I question the delivery.

 

Feel reached out to us in a way that most of do with our friends. There is a tactful way to express our thoughts, be constructive, and compassionate in a way where no one get their panties in a bunch. Personal grievances, past posts ... none of that is pertinent to this thread. Period

 

Personal feelings of what is appropriate in the workplace having nothing to do with what she was asking. It might help to "profile" the OP, but nothing else. Her post didn't ask for that.

 

I think everyone involved in this needs to take a step back and realize what is happening in here. I can honestly say in all the time I've been on here I've never seen a thread go off track so quickly.

 

Read this through, gleam what is useful, then throw the rest out with the garbage.

 

Everyone breath ....

 

~dig

[JA0371]

Completely agree...thanks DD

[feellikeafool]

Fair enough. I never had an issue with you calling out of work, was merely offering a management POV on those things.

However you seem defensive to my direct answer to your question as it seems you have all your own answers. Anyway,as I said before, I hope you get the answers you are seeking. Best in all.

 

seriously no im not defensive at all, confused yes i appreciated your veiw point on things and getting me to look at different avenues and things to look out for. its easy to get all emotionally tied into things and not see things for how they are. i suppose i have my own look on things but yours were equally valued and taken on board, i answered to the points you made and asked questions for more clarification as what you said did make sense, but like i said maybe i am looking at things my way which does not mean its the right way. Thank you for your advice

[feellikeafool]

Thanks Dig

[JA0371]

No worries FLAF...you are very welcome.

[Gerda]

feellikeafool, it really seems to me that you are far too thin-skinned, WAY overly defensive. Is this how you act in real life? If somebody says, "I don't think what you did there was right," do you freak out, accuse them of being on a warpath, and burst into tears? Serious question there. And if I seem mean, it's because your sarcasm is only inflaming this situation, a situation in which I'm quite ready to be friendly. All I did was say it's not right to call in sick when you are not, and if somebody does this on the second day you meet them, it's an indication that they don't take their commitments seriously. That's not an inflammatory statement, it's just the truth.

 

I'm not sure what it is that you are wanting to hear, what is an "acceptable," non-attacking post. We're here to be your friends, but this isn't a pity club. Sometimes friends have to say things to friends that are unpleasant to hear. You dated a jerk! You dated a jerk who has treated you like garbage, and yet I'm the horrible person for pointing out that there were red flags. You're still in love with this JERK, you're still hanging out with HIM, you're all "Let's go to the movies and I'll sit there with my head on your shoulder," to a guy who LIED to you over and over and over...but God forbid somebody say, "That was questionable what you did right there...perhaps if you are more careful in the future, you can avoid further heartache." You have a very odd way to judge a person's character--you love people who treat you like garbage, hate people who dare to criticize you.

 

This thread HAS gotten off topic, but maybe this is something that needs to be talked about--in fact, I can say with certainty it DOES need to be talked about. You would do well to TALK TO SOMEBODY about why you put up with the garbage you put up with. He treated you like total crap and you took it over and over and over. That's a problem, and I say that in the friendliest way possible. His offenses:

 

• emailing another girl behind your back
  
• lying about where he was and what he was doing--to avoid you, no less
  
• dumps you because he wants to date other girls
  
• knows you are coming to visit him before leaving the country, knows the time, and then arranges it so he's leaving for a party when you arrive
  
• strings you along for months, obviously wanting NSA sex
  
• said he didn't want you to be a part of his "uni life," probably either because he didn't want you ruining his prospects with other girls or because you embarrass him
  
• continues to string you along, doesn't tell you where he is or who he is with despite you guys being "kind of" back together
  
• bails on a "special evening" you have planned for his birthday
  
• doesn't get you anything for Christmas, even though you give him something
  
• he tells your friend he misses you, then when you talk to him about it denies it all
  
• throughout this all apparently his social life (excluding you of course) has always come first, including salsa class of all things
  
• he's basically telling you that he can't find somebody to have sex with and so he's coming sniffing around you again
  

 

 

And despite all of this...you're still looking for "encouragement" about this relationship? You are repeating your past mistakes, and if you continue you will experience more of the same pain as you have in the past the dozen or so other times he dropped you. The list above is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR for a guy you are dating! You need to recognize that--there are guys out there who will not act like that, why not find one of them? You were basically this guy's glorified booty call, and you abased yourself over and over in order to maintain this position.

 

What you need to hear is to LEAVE THIS GUY ALONE. What a jerk. You really need to hear that, so I'm going to repeat it. LEAVE THIS GUY ALONE. He's the tooliest tool that ever tooled. I also think you should look at yourself. In your first post you admitted that you were prone to arguing and flying off the handle over little things, and that you often argued AT him, while he just listened. It seems to me that you like to argue. I have not once posted with any intention of antagonizing you, I honestly was trying to be helpful. But you freaked out, turned around, got seriously overly defensive, launched into a sarcastic tirade, and apparently burst into tears. That isn't normal, in my humble opinion. I also think you need a major injection of self-respect and self-esteem, because it seems to me only a person severely lacking in those two things would put up with such a man.

[feellikeafool]

Thank you for your comments, all has been taken on board