6 months later, still need support.

[citylove]

I posted this in the Healing After Breakup forum as well, but I figured I'd also post it here for those of you who may have seen my earlier posts.

 

I am 20 years old. It's been nearly six months since my boyfriend of three years (he was also my first love) broke up with me. Following the breakup, things were chaotic for both of us-- I slipped into a bad depression and found myself afraid and empty. He dealt with some additional personal problems last semester that made him feel depressed, but now I've heard through mutual friends that he's doing better and is trying to "move forward" even though he feels guilty for hurting me. For some reason, I now feel that I'm back at square one.

 

I am so angry at him sometimes, but that isn't enough to push me over this hill of pain. We rarely speak (I haven't initiated any form of contact with him since Thanksgiving), but he will occasionally engage me in some sort of casual online contact (by replying to me on Twitter or Facebook). I've ignored almost all of his attempts because I know it will only hurt more to pretend that we're friends... does he think everything is just normal and fine? I don't get it. He also called me a month ago in the middle of the night sobbing after getting into an argument with his mother, and then the next day he informed me that he wouldn't be calling me again and that he has found a "new best friend" in someone who he's known for less than a year. Essentially, he used me for emotional support, and I allowed it to happen. We haven't spoken since and it kills me.

 

He's also taken up drinking and smoking pot (I am not interested in either), which I am struggling to understand. This was one of the reasons that he broke up with me-- he lied to me about having tried pot in the past and about his alcohol use because he knows that I don't condone that kind of behavior. I still can't believe it. He has picked drugs and alcohol over me, and although that should undoubtedly be a catalyst for me to seek something better and healthier, it just makes me want to curl up into a ball and die sometimes. I never believed that a person could change so much with little to no regard for the feelings of someone who has supported him through thick and thin for years. How can he choose these new friends and experiences over me? It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before, and now I feel extra bad because maybe I should be over it at this point. For some reason, it feels like my pain is worsened because he isn't telling people that he's in pain anymore.

 

I feel that I've been doing everything right. I'm a college student at a top-ranked university and I work very hard at succeeding in my coursework. I see a therapist once a week and I have plenty of friends and family members who try to support me. I'm constantly affirmed by those I care about and those who know me, but it never seems to be enough. His own family even speaks to me and tells me how great I am. My ex, on the other hand, attends a school that he dislikes and earns bad grades because of laziness and lack of motivation. He doesn't deal with his emotions head-on and hasn't sought any help for the issues he faced last semester, which is why it's so hard for me to believe that he's truly happy. I don't know. On paper, I look like I'm the one "doing better," but in reality, I feel shattered inside. I miss him so much and I simply cannot stomach the thought of him being out of my life forever. I realize that 6 months isn't much when you consider the fact that we were together for 3 years, but I feel as though people are sick of hearing me complain. I'm in a very dark place and I just don't know where to go from here. If I'm being completely honest with myself and with you, I have to admit that I just want to see him or talk to him now more than ever.

[In the Dark]

Hello again.

 

You're back at square one because you hear he feels guilty about what he did, which makes you think he has changed into a better man which is possible of holding a relationship with you.

Possibly the man you met before things started to go sour during the relationship.

 

Being angry at someone does not make the pain go away.

It's something which comes from the pain which had been given to you.

 

He is not you, so he can not comprehend the kind of pain you are going through, there fore is able to simply click and say hi on twitter or whatever social thing online you use that he uses as well.

He may feel guilty but does not comprehend the magnitude of the pain he caused.

 

At his age which I am presuming is in his early 20's, the choice of being part of a social scene can far out weigh being part of someone who loves you and that even means things like taking drugs and drinking alcohol with the rest of his friends.

 

Friends can be a negative affect on relationships, as if your ex did not follow suit there may have been an issue with fitting in, therefore he would have felt alienated.

Afterwards the friendship falls apart those friends distance themselves from him if they do not value him enough for whatever reasons.

 

Ultimately you have feelings for someone who is not good for you right now.

He 'may' grow out of his phase, but it may take longer than you can wait for.

 

I have been in a situation, where an ex has chosen the dysfunctional lifestyle of her friends over someone who truly loves her.

 

Sometimes one is not enough.