radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I dated a girl for 1.5 years. She was "perfect" on paper and what I should look for in a life partner. We were very compatible, we had similar interests, we both had values that aligned in how we should approach raising kids/family/financial matters. Basically all the big stuff. Despite this, I broke up with her because I felt like something was missing in our relationship - basically the desire to be intimate and the "spark". I am not sure why, but the desire was not there as much as in my previous relationships. As a romantic, this is a quality that I feel like I need in a relationship. Anyways, we had break up sex about a month after our break up. This resulted in a pregnancy (we did use protection, although that is not 100%). I am weighing whether I should at least try to make it work out with her (not jump into marriage right away), or just help support her and the child. If we were together we would have potentially a GREAT life together - I am just concerned that the old nagging feelings of doubt that started plaguing our relationship will come back and hit me. Call me selfish, but I am also worried about the financial impact on my life if we are not together - Due to child support laws, if I have 50/50 custody and we are not together, I will owe her approximately 1,400 dollars in child support a month (even though she makes close to 90,000). This won't cripple me financially, but it will prevent me from saving any money or buying a house in the foreseeable future. So again, I am re-evaluating whether I should take the stance of "I broke up with her for a reason, if the baby was not here I would not be with her". or if I should take the stance of "A baby has changed my life path and hers, and beucase of that I should at least give an honest effort to see if we can make it work and try". Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I go with option B --- the baby has changed our life path. Don't you owe it to your child to give it your best effort? Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 The only think you 'owe' to a child, is to provide the most loving and respectful home life and an example of two people who are loving and respectful of each other.... Only you will know if that will be with the mother or someone else. Never stay with anyone just for the kid. Seems like you'd only be staying due to financial strife.. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 The only think you 'owe' to a child, is to provide the most loving and respectful home life and an example of two people who are loving and respectful of each other.... Only you will know if that will be with the mother or someone else. Never stay with anyone just for the kid. Seems like you'd only be staying due to financial strife.. I am not saying to make a decision NOW to marry the mother, I am saying to take things slow, help raise the child together, and work on our relationship. if we work on our relationship and either of us decide we don't want to be with the other person than we go our separate ways. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I am not saying to make a decision NOW to marry the mother, I am saying to take things slow, help raise the child together, and work on our relationship. if we work on our relationship and either of us decide we don't want to be with the other person than we go our separate ways. That sounds like a great plan. Link to comment
littlestar Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 What makes you think she would even want you back after you dumped her? Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 What makes you think she would even want you back after you dumped her? It wasn't a messy break up at all, although she was very hurt after I broke up with her as I was the guy she could have envisioned being with forever. She is willing to try to work things out again. like me, she has the child in mind and realizes it is not a time to be vindictive about the situation. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 It is very sad that she wants to work things out with you since you are very clearly ambivalent about her. She is setting herself up for more pain. If you didn't feel romantically inclined towards her no desire to intimate, no spark (although you had break up sex so clearly there was some desire to be intimate) before the baby, I can't imagine her "growing on you" when she will have the responsibilities of motherhood, being tired, not looking her best etc. There are lots of people who muddled through relationships for the children or because they didn't want to face the financial hit..and both sides felt really trapped. If you don't have the right feelings for her now, chances are that won't change..it usually never does in situations where someone settles for someone who doesn't exactly knock their socks off. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 It is very sad that she wants to work things out with you since you are very clearly ambivalent about her. She is setting herself up for more pain. If you didn't feel romantically inclined towards her no desire to intimate, no spark (although you had break up sex so clearly there was some desire to be intimate) before the baby, I can't imagine her "growing on you" when she will have the responsibilities of motherhood, being tired, not looking her best etc. There are lots of people who muddled through relationships for the children or because they didn't want to face the financial hit..and both sides felt really trapped. If you don't have the right feelings for her now, chances are that won't change..it usually never does in situations where someone settles for someone who doesn't exactly knock their socks off. I know where you are coming from - trust your gut. If you broke up with her for a reason than I baby is not going to change that reason. Again, I am NOT talking about jumping into things right, I am talking about taking it slow and giving an honest effort. You may be right - It might not work out. But I for one cannot predict the future and for two would rather try and fail than not try at all. the alternative (tossing child back and forth for 18 years, taking a heavy financial hit, and having my perceived value as mate substantinally lowered) is worrisome enough to at least give it an honest effort. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I think that, if your ex is ammenable to the idea, than an honest effort on both your parts is all that can be expected. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Think of this way...what exactly does "having a spark" mean to you. What does it feel like for you? Anxiousness, excitedness, nervousness, complete, unawkward? And while you had a spark with other relationships, why didn't they work out? I mean, you had break-up sex...I think you probably did want to be intimate with each other, physically...there was something hot & heavy going on at one point to have break-up sex...did you find you could not open up to her? There was a reason why you dated for 1.5 years...and I don't it's because you were killing time. Just get clear on what a good, solid relationship is like. Did it work for 1.5 years, or did you start to lose attraction some time before the break-up? Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Think of this way...what exactly does "having a spark" mean to you. What does it feel like for you? Anxiousness, excitedness, nervousness, complete, unawkward? And while you had a spark with other relationships, why didn't they work out? I mean, you had break-up sex...I think you probably did want to be intimate with each other, physically...there was something hot & heavy going on at one point to have break-up sex...did you find you could not open up to her? There was a reason why you dated for 1.5 years...and I don't it's because you were killing time. Just get clear on what a good, solid relationship is like. Did it work for 1.5 years, or did you start to lose attraction some time before the break-up? good points here. to answer your question. It is hard to define, because it seems to vary between person to person. If I were to narrow it down as much as I could, I would say it is a "will to be around someone and to be with someone based on the premise that you two are able to connect both emotionally and physically". In other words, these two things make it heavily desirable to be intimate (both physically and emotionally) with the other person. This can be manifested in several ways - in my case, I typically feel very "warm" in the insde when i touch them or hold them, I typically smile uncontrollaby when I look at their face etc. the "spark" transitions from a state of infatuation/nervousness/extreme passion early on to more a sense of extreme comfort and happiness later on at the thought of being with the person(for me at least). I had a relationship like this but unfortunately it ended for reasons outside my control. I never really had that with my ex-gf. It was mostly a "logical" sense of comfort (she was trustworthy, honest, loyal, showed so much love" etc. I knew she would ALWAYS be there for me, and that was very comforting. However, I didnt have the desire to touch her/be intimate with her physically very much at all. to be HONEST, I think it was partly due to the fact that I was not as physically attracted to her, from the very beginning, but gave her a chance due to her displaying TONS of other qualities that I had admired. As a guy, I normally don't do this but she was an exception. the Relationship where I had the "spark" we probably had passionate/very close sex every day or at least every other day. With my ex it was probably once a week and i was not very passionate at all. Now, the funny thing, now that you mentioned how I could have had break up sex with her if there was no spark. Well first of all, break up sex is generally more "hot" because it is "dangerous", and second of all she had dressed up CRAZY in order to try to win me back (and looked great, more than she had ever before) so that missing physical component was all of a sudden there. Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 the alternative (tossing child back and forth for 18 years, taking a heavy financial hit, and having my perceived value as mate substantinally lowered) is worrisome enough to at least give it an honest effort. "Honey I'm with you because being a single dad would make me less likely to attract another woman." Wow, she is one lucky lady. Stay amicable for the kid but do not settle for her, besides, I think she deserves someone who really wants to be with her. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 "Honey I'm with you because being a single dad would make me less likely to attract another woman." Wow, she is one lucky lady. Stay amicable for the kid but do not settle for her, besides, I think she deserves someone who really wants to be with her. The thing is - one's value DOES change based on something like this, and that means it is going to less likely for me to find someone that I want to be, based on what I desire in partner. Because of this, I am MORE willing to give this a chance - it does not mean I am going to "settle" or think "well, I am ONLY doing this because of the kid, and "lowering" my standards". It merely means I am willing to give more of an honest effort than otherwise if there was no child involved. Link to comment
Mellie Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 This relationship you had where the spark was there throughout, how long did it last exactly? I don't know. Everything's always new and exciting in the beginning - that's just infatuation. Particularly as you're saying it ended due to influences beyond your control - maybe you're romanticising this past relationship to the point where nothing else can compare? If you feel yourself recoil if she tries to touch you, sure, then it's done and dusted, but don't expect the fluttering butterflies to stick around forever. A longterm relationship takes hard work and it's not all hearts and flowers. It all boils down to whether you love her or not. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 This relationship you had where the spark was there throughout, how long did it last exactly? I don't know. Everything's always new and exciting in the beginning - that's just infatuation. Particularly as you're saying it ended due to influences beyond your control - maybe you're romanticising this past relationship to the point where nothing else can compare? If you feel yourself recoil if she tries to touch you, sure, then it's done and dusted, but don't expect the fluttering butterflies to stick around forever. A longterm relationship takes hard work and it's not all hearts and flowers. It all boils down to whether you love her or not. That relationship with the sparks/infautation that were intense in the beginning lasted around 6 months. That is true, and that is the unfortunate thing, that relationship ended when it was good, very good. So when I think of that relationship I think everything was "perfect", my most "perfect" relationship by far. Obviously, things change, but I just cannot see that - I will never be able to since it ended abruptly. Link to comment
prettymommy Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I was in a similar situation. Not the lack of passion, but I did get pregnant when my ex and I were "broken" up. I made the decision to have the baby. A bit into my pregnancy, my ex thought he wanted to try to work out things (b/c of the baby) and I decided to try as well (b/c of the baby). I remember thinking I owed it to the baby to try to make a go of it b/c he deserved to grow up in a two parent household. Not b/c I was in love with the father. Admirable? Maybe. I think we both had the best of intentions. Needless to say, 3 years later, it didn't end well. We didn't love each other, and b/c of that, we started to resent each other. He never wanted to be at home, and in many ways, he resented me b/c he felt "stuck" in a situation he didn't want. Not that he didn't want our son or love him to pieces. But he wasn't ready for the responsability and commitment it requires (financial, time, emotional, etc), and that resentment got directed at me. And I in turn resented him for not wanting to step up to the plate. I began to nag. Our sex life died off, and really, after awhile, the only thing we had in common was our son, which, if that was all we focused on, all was alright, but if we were left alone together or what not, well... I am thankful to this day at least we both had enough sense not to get married to each other. I would say go for it if you truly love the girl, but to do it just for the coming baby, well.... I totally understand why you want to. But if you don't love the mother, it's not a good place to start a family from. Oh, and if you think you'll be percieved as having dimished value b/c you have a child outside of wedlock, well, I had those fears too, but really, I found out they wern't very valid. My dating life hasn't lacked b/c of my son. And I also found out that if anyone wanted to judge me for having a child, well, they certainly weren't deserving of my attention, and they certainly were not someone I would ever want around my son. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Too many people stay in relationships because they feel comforted by the fact that the other person loves them, even though they don't return the feelings. What a sad life...especially for the person who loves in vain. You may think you are doing her this big favour by sticking around..but really, it is the worst thing you can do. There is an expression "hold your nose and vote" meaning you hate all the candidates but since it is your civic duty to vote, you do it even though none of the candidates appeal to you. This is the same idea...you are basically "holding your nose" in order to stay with her...kind of like she has a bad smell. There clearly is no love in your heart for her...you are staying out of guilt, financial concerns and it feels good on the ego to have someone who dotes on you and really wants to be with you like she does. What does she get in return...the physical presence of a man to be a present father to her child..but basically an emotional absence. A person's self esteem tumbles when they love someone who doesn't love them back. She is ecstatic to have "the love of her life" stick around because she is hoping your love will grow in time. Chances are that won't happen because you never felt it to begin with. Link to comment
radiohead20 Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 May I ask why you two broke up? Were you not in love with each other? I can see it possibly working if there is love, but you two broke up for another reason other than that. Link to comment
prettymommy Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 May I ask why you two broke up? Were you not in love with each other? I can see it possibly working if there is love, but you two broke up for another reason other than that. We broke up before I got pregnant b/c we were fighting a lot, and not very well either. At the time, I think we both believed we were in love with each other, but now, 11 years later, I believe it was more infatuation; each of us found in the other a partner that filled a certain criteria we wanted. He had this image of me as this all American girl (which isn't true) and I had this image of him as a lost and sensitive soul, rebellious where I wasn't. Funny enough, like you, I wasn't initially attracted to him physically, never really was, and once reality crept in to our relationship after the baby arrived, any attraction I did feel for him pretty much went away. After I made the decision to have the baby, I didn't hear from him for about 4 months. In retrospect, I was very young and naive' at the time (23 when we met, 25 when I had our son). The second break up, after our son was born, was ultimatley b/c he cheated, although we had both been emotionally removed from one another for a good year to 2 years prior to that. I don't blame him anymore for it; I know now his cheating was a symptom of a larger problem between us. I just wish we each would've had enough respect for one another to end it before it came to that. Even though we were no longer in love and probably never had been, it was still a lot of drama and emotion, with a child in the mix to witness it all (which was not good). Link to comment
AquanoxSerp Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 I think you should do one of two things, the first is to send money to the pregnant ex but do NOT contact her for any other reason, do not wish her well, and do not give her false hope. Sounds * * * * ish but well that's the way things are in order for someone to get over you. Be nice to them and it hurts even more. However, you should visit the son after a few years have passed and she is emotionally stable. Then you can be a father figure for him. Second, if you can try to reconnect with the woman who had a spark. Less talking more doing. You never know. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.