relationship going stale?

[bellamelle]

 

Suppose I should fill you in on the situation. And not that there is necessarily anything WRONG with it...however; I FEEL there is, well - maybe that is why I need some opinions from this forum.

I am 31 and I met a 37 year old man (Sam) a bit over a year whilst going through a terribly traumatic breakup with my ex boyfriend.

Sam and I did "friend" things for a long time. Running together, dinner, hanging out. Nothing ever physical happened with him because I simply was not into him that way. I went through a series of breaking ups and getting back togethers with my ex and was never quite ready to see in Sam what I now see.

 

Just this past February, Sam and I went to dinner like we usually did once a month. This particular night ended up in wild passion, first time kissing and the whole works if you know what I mean. Since then - I suppose you could say that we were a couple. The more months that went by, the more and more we really seem interested in eachother. I mean, genuinely. I see Sam and like him sooooo much. I am incredibly attracted to him however there is one problem, and that is communication.

Sam is divorced of 5 years. I do not know what happened. He doesn't say. He knows nothing of my past hurtful relationship. is it right to hide this from eachother after so long? or is it pointless because the past is the past.

Secondly - I seem to be making the first move sexually with him. He doesn't reciprocate often. Other than that - he is a complete gentleman. buys me flowers, we cook dinner together, go on dates. He's met my family and I've never met his because they all live out of state.

we are planning a trip in Oct to visit his sisters new baby - and also a trip to AZ in dec.

 

Sam invites me to do my laundry at his house since I live in an apt. with smelly old washers and dryers. on occasion, if I sleep over - and I'm there and he has to leave, I lock up after myself and slide the spare key under his door.

Well, last friday, after a date - we went back to his place and when he opened his door, there was the spare under it. now, I have not been there in almost a week - so I knnow I didn't leave them there.

he said that he has a neighbor who he lets do laundry at his place. Later to find out (because I snooped) that this neighbor is a woman.

I naturally got suspicious but because I don't want to be a naggy b**ch I kept this to myself (ex relationships fault) I mean, we never did have the "talk" are we exclusive or what?

So I ask him in bed.

are you dating other people/

Sam: no (while wiggling his feet, a sign of nervousness or uncomfortable)

me: are you interested in dating others?

Sam: ahhh, no.

Me; when was the last time you did date someone?

Sam: not since I've lived here (he's lived in this city for 2 years)

me; so you only want to date me?

Sam: ummmm....yes (with a big smile on his face)

 

we then go to sleep.

 

Note, he barely makes the moves on me anymore.

we don't talk every day.

 

i feel this relationship is so one sided, that I'm doing all the work and I don't feel, I don't know...Like Im attractive to him? Cause he never says anything or does anything to indicate it like he used to!

 

What's going on? is he seeing other women?

Should I lay off a while and see if he'll come around?

 

uggggh. I hate relationships sometimes.

[Michael2]

You are thinking too much.

 

From an outside perspective, this relationship seems fine, especially considering you both obviously are carrying some baggage around.

 

THe past is the past. If he wanted to tell you he would. In regards to the keys, umm, just keep your eyes open for a month or two.

 

He sounds like a nice guy, and you sound like a woman who has her head on straight. Do not over analyze everything okay, I am gulty of this too. You have to make an attempt to stop.

 

Enjoy what you have, enjoy the dinners, enjoy the crazy sex, enjoy eachother.

[WishMistress]

Hm I am sure that I would be suspicious about the key issue. Now, the previous poster might be right, but I find it a typical male response. Enjoy the now and who cares about future troubles that lay ahead. I find that sooooooooooooo typical of men. Hm sorry venting a bit. But I would be concerned about the not initiating sex and the key thing. It could be too that he is getting comfy with the relationship and feels that he has you bagged and he doesn't have to work at it anymore. But keep the lines of communication open.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I too am a little concerned about the fact that you are the one who initiates the sex. I don't think that's a good sign. Do you think maybe you rushed this relationship with him a bit? I wonder if you had not pushed the sex issue maybe he would have persued you longer and then you would not have seen a key under his door and had these insecurities...just a thought.

 

It sounds as if you had a good relationship, he took you out, bought you flowers... but now things have changed after you had "the talk"-- again-- initiated by you. So now I have to ask. What do you think would happen if you stopped initiating sex? Would you have any kind of relationship left?

 

My advise is to slow down... take it back a few steps. Since he does not initiate stuff then maybe he won't be bothered when you go back to "FRIEND" mode. He may just be more comfortable going at a slower pace(I hope this is the case).

 

Let him persue you again and be the one to initiate things with you. This will bring you the best results long term... do pay attention to his behavior. If he does not initiate anything at all then maybe he was only " being nice" when you were the one doing all the work..I sure hope not though

[bellamelle]

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, I feel I initiate the sex....but when he doesn't seem to get hot and bothered by the initiating..sex doesn't happen. But - he always initiates the sex most mornings. He used to initiate it all the time but the past few weeks, No. Could be because he's refurbishing his home, his dad had surgery, his sister had a baby, he's training for a marathon, (with me), he works hard...

who knows.

He does spend time with me, more time with me than he could with another woman - if there was another woman.

 

uggggh. I am overanalyzing, I know. I think I will do what I've been telling myself to do and that is to lay low. Act friend mode- be mysterious for a while. He didn't call me last night...though I really didn't expect him to.

I have plans tonight that I was going to invite him along and now I don't think so. I should let him think that I have a life outside of him.

 

The other night (Wed) when I was over there for dinner, he was doing laundry

and I said. "I did 3 loads of laundry on monday night"and he said

at your place? You should have come over here"

 

and i said "Wow Sam, you could open a laundremat service with all these women doing laundry over here!"

 

he looked down and didn't say anything.

 

That's the kind of communication I get.

[Mun]

I suggested you let him do all the persuing for awhile because I think this is a good way to see what he is willing to do to make this relationship work, at the same time you will see if he is willing to do anything at all or has left it all up to you. It's a good way to see what he has to offer, if it's not up to par by your standards then it's your choice to stay-and always feel insecure- or let him go.

 

I also think it might spark things up a bit if he feels that you are not as "taken" as you appeared to be. I think most of us do get comfortable in a relationship and stop working at romance. When the other is a little aloof we take notice and suddenly we want them back-we want their attention.

 

Do try to NOT to make snide comments or criticisms. You want to be his best friend, not enemy. If you have something to say then either say it or give him the silent treatment>it tends to work. Above all else : keep your eyes open.

 

Hoping things work out for you

[bellamelle]

It's like, he's done the pursuing for SO LONG...until now that I finally really, really like him- he's backed off.

Is there some point to where the games end!!! I hate games. I think they make a person crazy.

I didn't pursue the "talk" until after the spare key incident. After that happened I needed to know because I mean, if he IS seeing other women - and sleeping with me, I have a right to know, for my own health saftey.

 

Huh. And not too long ago he surprised me with a weekend get away to celebrate the anniversary of when we first met. Complete with a gift "hint" as to where we are going, very expensive tickets to the event and fancy hotel reservations. Now, if that isn't pursuing, I don't know what is. And I'd like to have that again.

 

 

Thanks muneca for your advice.

[Mun]

Sorry to take over your thread, I just want to comment on something.

 

I don't know why if you were spending so much time together and he was planning getaways with you.. there had been no "talk" see that's what I hate about being an adult:

As a kid someone says " you're my girlfriend now" and we all know what that means.. exclusivity.. as an adult alot of things are implied or taken for granted..but I think women really need to have the talk to be sure.. and to know where they stand. I used to think that if you were treated like the girlfriend and you behaved like one then you were IT... not anymore.. boy was that a surprise.

 

I hate games too but apparently men love them... or haven't you noticed? If it's too easy they don't bother...In one of the books I read there's an interesting analogy. It says something like this:

 

Men are hunters.. they will spend a weekend sleeping on dirt and eating flies as long as they can come home with a big "prize", but you get that same prize and drop it on their doorstep and they will have nothing to do with it.. why?... it didn't cost them a thing.. no fun in that...the fun was in the hunt...nobody respects a freebie.

 

Now I'm not saying you're a freebie or anything like that.. I'm talking about the chase and the "hunt." I guess it's over when we see our heads mounted on the wall.. joking

[bellamelle]

You totally make sense.

They are after the "hunt" and most men don't even realize they're doing it.

 

Of course men would love for a women to just come to them, take off her clothes and get into bed, but if that goes on and on without them ever having to TRY to get them to do that...then where's the challenge in that.

 

Not to say I did that. I sure was a challenge at one time!

This sucks.

Why can't I just come out and say.

Listen Sam, I like you a lot and I see you in my future. This is what I want...blah blah (tell him what I want) and if you don't want the same things then I must leave you.

(because you'd be a waste of my time!)

 

women DO need the "talk", otherwise we have no clue what the mans intentions are.

When they wine and dine us, bed us - treat us like thier girlfriends...and then the subject actually comes up verbally, they freak out.

I don't get it.

[zeeeb]

I would think that if you were mates for so long before anything sexual happened, that you should have known a bit more about his personal life, relationships, pasts etc...

 

I hate to say it, but think you have probably missed the boat on this one, too little (communication) too late. Once you've hidden so much, it's hard to bring it all out. Where as, when you're mates with someone, they don't care about your disasterous divorce, or your first romp in the back of the car when you were 16. Once you've been together for months, it's like you're finally revealing dirty dark secrets.

 

With my mates (whether male or female), i know things about them. I know about their past disasters, the love of their lives, the people they like to perve on, their fantasy partner, and so if it ever eventuates, then nothing to hide, no dirty laundry needs to be aired, and no mis-trust issues. I think communication needs to be open from the start of a friendship or relationship, it;s much much harder to work backwards.