I made the first step.. then?

[destinyshine]

I am 17, a senior on HS, and I really havent have any love experience until resently, there is this new freshman chinese girl (i am chinese too, been only living in USA for 4 years) came to our school... my first instinct is "wow, she really could be the one" even though I am a shy guy, I just go up without thinking and started talking to her... it was a pretty nice chat.

 

After that day, days after days I found her in school sometimes and talk a little to her. JUST alittle. why? because I got so nervous and my mind just blank out.. she is a very shy girl too. couple days ago i told her she can hang around in the library with us (well of course what i really wanted is to hang out with ME) so.. about since 3 days ago she starting to show up in the library with her ONLY friend (since her english is not really well, she only have this chinese girl roommate girl as friend, who always do stuff with her in school) They just walk in. find a table to sit down (always the table next to the table me and my friend are sitting in) and start doing homework together...

my instinct tell me, its not the time to be shy! you gotta go talk to her! So.. i walk to her.. and start talking to her with the topic i been thinking every night that I can talk to her.. then after like 5 minute... blank out again.. one of my adult friend from online said i should make a excuse and leave for like 5 minute to calm my self down, find a topic and come back.. but.. its just blank blank blank!! when i go back... all my friend on the other table all came and start fooling around... acting like idiots...

and they just sits down at the table where that girl i like is!

 

The My friends part, i can tell them to stay away.

But now the problem is...

1. blanking mind...

2. she is doing homework with her friend...

do you know what i mean? it is really hard to... chat with her while she is doing homework.. i mean.. I feel like she is answering my question... not to start a chat... and that makes me feel like i'm disturbing her studying..

 

my adult friend also told me i can ask her what she is interested in... like "what book you like?" (she like book) "what do you like to do?" favorite stuffs.. etc.. but I just feel like, that is something you ask after you know someone more, and got more into a chat.....

 

can anyone help?

 

 

 

btw, I dont know how american dating works.. but in chinese teen culture.. its usually

 

saw a girl -> talk to her ->know her more ->friend -> do stuff together -> confess -> girl friend

[Scout]

The dating process is pretty much the same over here. You've already talked to her and made friendly overtures (which is probably welcome by her since she doesn't have many friends yet). You are now ready to move to the next step. The next time all of you are in the library, suggest that after everyone is finished studying, you go get some food or something together. It's hard to talk to someone in the library!

 

Make SURE you sit next to her when all of you grab some food together, and make sure your friends have your back! As in, heading off anyone else that tries to sit next to her (subtly of course).

 

Once you're sitting next to her, make conversation. Smile, look into her eyes, ask her questions (try to get her to do a lot of talking since you're so nervous). I promise the conversation will start to flow a little easier. Everyone else will be in their own conversations after a while, and then you can ask her if she wants to do something with you sometime - study together or something like that. Ask her if she's available on a specific evening to study...and pick a nice place like the park.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted!

[destinyshine]

hmm.. that sounds really good idea, but it came with couple problem...

1. I dont think they ever gonna finish studying, they always come in and homework/study until bell ring

2. if i ask her, her friend will problem wanna come too (manner stuff... u just cant drag someone's friend away and left that person alone) and... how do you put it.. she REALLY isnt the TYPE of the girl that i wanna get in to anything with her, not even all my friend want to.

3. my friend is POOR like hell =-= one of them (we call this guy "pervert" because he is such a player he always go to different people's house at night cuz he have no place to live, he messed up his house and too lazy to clean it) have NO money at all... they possiably have NO way to buy lunch... @@ they will probably follow us and pretend drooling over food and fooling around.....................................................................

 

it would be so nice if i can spend some time alone with her, and with stuff that i can actually say which can just came out of my mind... a frozen atmosphere is really what always what happen to me, which so far i am doing a pretty good job avoiding it while talking to that girl

[Scout]

You are creating barriers here, my friend. Please, these are all little things. Just try and go with this idea. Ask her friend along to the diner or restaurant of course, that would be rude not to. You can pick a place that students go to, even if it's just for a soda or something. If your friend can't afford it, offer to pay for him this one time or just say "That's too bad, maybe you can go with us next time."

 

Come on - you're freezing yourself into a state of inaction. Just go for it!

[OmegaMan]

You are creating barriers here, my friend. Please, these are all little things. Just try and go with this idea. Ask her friend along to the diner or restaurant of course, that would be rude not to. You can pick a place that students go to, even if it's just for a soda or something. If your friend can't afford it, offer to pay for him this one time or just say "That's too bad, maybe you can go with us next time."

 

Come on - you're freezing yourself into a state of inaction. Just go for it!

 

This is a very wise advice. Mine is, follow it!

 

;-)

 

E.

[destinyshine]

i asked one of my best friend about this... he told me:

 

sure, that could be a good idea. but first before you do that, you got to ask your self

are you cabable of buying her lunch, is she the kind of girl that would accept such a semi-date kind of thing so early?

 

suddenly i think he is reallly right. i only met her for like... 2 weeks? and only talked like 5-6 times and each of them is only like 5 min because i just blank out! i nervous and worried too much..

i dont want to rush anything.. or scares her off.. (specially scaring her off, i really dont want that happen @@)

so.. what is you guys's opinion on this?

[Stinkweed]

Take your time... don't rush, b/c you may scare her (I know I once did...). Try talking to her a little more. Talk about simple things like how her day was and what she's going to do in the afternoon. The hardest part in my opinion is the introductions, and you got that done... so, just take it easy.

[destinyshine]

now i thought about it i start feeling that to her i am probably like a weird boy who just came in to the library everyday and walk up to her and say something boring for 5 minute , froze, and walk away

 

 

 

god..

[OmegaMan]

now i thought about it i start feeling that to her i am probably like a weird boy who just came in to the library everyday and walk up to her and say something boring for 5 minute , froze, and walk away

 

Have you ever heard that expression: "Assumptions are the mother of all f*** ups?"

 

This is exactly what you are doing just now. Thinking on emotions instead of thinking with your head.

 

Truth is, you don't know that. You don't know if she thinks you're boring or something like that. That's just a wild guess.

 

Thinking about yourself in such a way certainly isn't going to make the date easier. You're doing you're best buddy, experience will give you results and confidence.

 

How can you win if you leave before even trying?

 

Also, this may surprise you, but sometimes explaining how you feel in a humorous sort of way to someone can reaaallly help to break down barriers. I do this all the time like, is I don't know what to say to someone and there's a long silence, I would say we sure have an intense conversation going on." It kind of brings in the open what both person are thinking anyway and it relieves the tension.

 

Do not fall into the trap of overthinking or giving yourself excuses like I don't want to rush things."

 

Just do it.

 

E.

[destinyshine]

ya.. i been thinking about it.. so i decided to make a BBQ event on next saturday with my friends and her. i orginzed stuff but today i asked her if she wanna come that she said: sorry... i dont really like to eat BBQ stuff...

although her only friend were trying to like, "u sure u dont wanna go?"

 

i was a little down about it but that time i said thats fine. I then asked my friend maybe i shoudl ask her again, he told me we should give her some time and ask her again on wednesday

 

do you guys think its a good idea?

[OmegaMan]

What have you got to loose.

 

See when you asked her, how did you put it?

 

I would definitely try again. This time around you can tell her something closer to the truth:

 

I would really enjoy if you came, it would certainly make the event even more interesting.

 

Well, you know something like that. It's always great when you're invited somewhere to feel like you are really wanted, that you being there would really make a difference.

 

Keep us informed.

 

E.

[Scout]

Ok, give this girl one more chance to come to your BBQ. Ask her flat out if she's a vegetarian, and if she is, tell her you'll get veggie burgers for her. (I'm a vegetarian, so that's why I ask if this could be a possibility). If she says no, she's not, she just doesn't like BBQ, then ask her if she likes to hang out and socialize with friends, because that's the main point of going to a BBQ!

 

If she still refuses the invitation, I wouldn't ask her out again. Because to be honest, her first reaction to your initial invitation was rude, and doesn't make her seem like a very sociable person.

 

What is it specifically you like about her?

[destinyshine]

yes.. i will ask her again

i asked her if she is vegetarian when i was asking her to go to BBQ or not (i havent ask her again yet)

she is not vegetarain, she just dont like BBQ stuff

at that time, she WAS a little between not going or going, she is like

well.. umm.. hmm.. maybe not...

while her best friend is next to her trying to get her to go to...

so.. i will ask her again on monday!

my friend told me something really important - library really isnt a good place for asking this kind of stuff! so.. maybe i will wait until she is going to class from library then i ask her on the way, since our class is perfectly in same direction.

i probably would ask her.. "hey.. you dont have to eat those BBQ stuff if u dont want to.. just have fun you know? ever since u been to USA i bet u havent have some fun like this, why dont you come and social a little with me and my friends? you can also bring your roommate to come if you want to"

and maybe add on if u come u would make me and my guests really happy

if she dont want to come still... then i will just let it go for this one

because some how, i dont feel like its because she dislike me and dont want to come. because me and my some adult online friends talk about it, there are couple points that points out my image in her head isnt so bad:

1. she COULD've do homework at some other classroom, but she now do hw in library everyday because i told her we always hang out in library before (this one could really just be coinsident)

2. she always sit directly at the opposite of the table of where i am sitting - which u can just saw each other when u get ur head up

3. before i was gonna ask her if she want to come to the BBQ, i was thinking about ask her after i finished organizing everything, but then my friend thought i'm embarrassed so he said he is going to ask her for me while i try to tel him to stop. they (the girl and her roommate) saw this argument and her roommate just said: you better be the one who come ask her that (me) because your image is better in her ( i dont know how to translate this well since its in chinese @@ but u should get the point)

 

i dont know.. maybe she is just shy or afraid to trust me since we only know each other for like a month?

[Scout]

First, let me commend you for asking her and deciding to give her one more opportunity to go to this BBQ. Even if you weren't interested in her in a romantic way, it's very thoughtful of you to try and include someone new to this country in some fun social activities.

 

She really should be grateful that someone is making the effort to do this and if she still refuses, then I am afraid she lacks some social skills herself.

 

Yes, if she declines again, then let this one go and find another more receptive girl. You are growing in your confidence, and that is the important thing here ultimately.

 

I'm very proud of you!

[destinyshine]

i think you are very right.. but u know...

 

thats how i am 2 years ago too...

 

 

 

 

 

anyway, thank you for giving me advises ^^ i will keep the progress informed