Out of the blue

[Guitarguy_82]

So it had been about 3 weeks of solid NC and then all of a sudden, the ex contacts me through IM. She just wanted to chat and check up on me and tell me what's going on with her lately. Nothing hurtful, just normal chatting. I responded with casual conversation, nothing specific, just vague statements. She stopped chatting and in the mean time I had taken a phone call from a family member. After about 10 minutes I asked her if she wanted to go grab some dinner. Just a friendly invite. I was hungry. I figured we could talk and perhaps just be friends. After I asked I got no response. I realized she was offline when I asked (since I had deleted her off of my friend list I couldn't tell, though through email I was able to check if she was online or not) So I figure, "Okay, she probably didn't get the invite".

I decided to text her (again, casually) if she wants to grab some food with me. No response.

 

What the heck?

 

I'd have taken a "no" as an answer just fine. But no, I received no response. Why did I even bother? Why did she message me out of the blue just to casually chat?

 

I had deleted her off of FB and began NC, which while it has difficult, it was starting to work just fine. And then this...

 

I consulted a long-time female friend about this and she said that the ex was just playing games and messing with me. I can see that happening as she's thrown out breadcrumbs before (saying she missed making out)...but why chat me up so casually and about seemingly nothing in particular?

 

It's not like I was trying to reconcile or pour my heart out to her. I made no notion of that whatsoever.

 

Even if she had said yes, I figured we would have talked at some point about what we've been up to since the breakup but I know her and she talks a big game but never backs it up with actions. She flakes out on people a lot. Still though, even if she's dating someone (which I had assumed she was, even though she made absolutely no mention of it) why not just say "no" to my invitation?

 

Granted it has been a few weeks, I don't know if she's gotten a new phone, and since she's offline I can't really get a response from her.

 

Still though, why would she bother contacting me?

 

I don't feel as I've been set back in the healing process. I feel like even if she did want to reconcile that she'd have to put in some major effort and prove to me that she actually cares. I highly doubt that would happen. If she wants to be friends I might entertain the idea, but I mean come on, at least give me a yes or no answer.

 

Up to a few days ago I would have freaked out at the idea of talking to her, but now it's very much a "whatever, you're not going to change" attitude.

 

I've been collecting a lot of posts from this site and printing them out to keep as my sort of personal "healing" packet. It has helped a lot. I've learned that when someone wants space, you give it to them. When someone who isn't worth your time is causing you pain, you need to move on. I started on the path to do both of these things, and then this happens. Not that it was particularly painful...it was more odd than anything.

 

Is she lonely? Is she trying to keep tabs on me? Does she want to know that I'll be available and willing to talk to her so she can keep me as an "option"?

 

Even if that was the case, why would she bring up topics that I already knew about and nothing else really specific?

 

She is a strange creature...

[Zero71]

My ex loves to play little head games too, but she doesn't seem as bad as your ex. I think your ex is playing games with you. She contacted you to know if you still care. She might still want to keep you around as a back-up plan. Since you responded favorably, you stroke her ego enough so she can go back to playing puppeteer. If you responded indifferently she probably would had been curious and sought after you to see if you still want her. It's all a power game with the dumper and dumpee. The longer you stay in contact the more they have. The faster you pull away from to heal the more power you have. Whenever an ex go fishing around don't give them the pleasure of being overly eager. I had to learn that the hard way. Anyway I suggest you continue to stay NC don't get too involve with her unless comes right out and say she wants to get back together.

[Guitarguy_82]

See, I would agree with that if I was being the overly eager ex who just "couldn't wait" to talk to her again...That might have been the case right after the BU but it's been about a month now.

 

I was distant and vague when she asked me questions...she initiated conversation and I replied (we had a fairly civil BU, a few heated texts afterwards but nothing hateful...I figured what the heck, lets see what she wants to say).

 

She told me she was starting a class for a certificate she's been wanting, to which I said I was happy for her. She said she would look for a job after that and then an apartment if she gets said job. That was about it.

 

At no time was there any use of "lol" or " or anything cutesy or inflecting fake emotion.

 

She asked questions, I responded. I asked a few questions, she responded. No mention of relationship status from either side.

 

If anything I was thinking it strange that she wanted to talk about something so bland and inconsequential (I already knew about the class she was planning to take, already knew she was looking for a new job, already knew she was going to start looking for a new apartment...etc).

 

What I DO know is that she has an extremely hard time communicating and more often than not will just say nothing.

 

But yes, I will jump back on NC. Oh well...

[StrwberryWine]

In my humble opinion, she continued talking with you until she felt she saw she still had you. You were being distant, you were keeping your cards close to your chest. Then you offered to go to dinner - clearly showing you still care (in my opinion). She saw it, got what she had wanted, and was done. She wanted to know if you were still there caring about her.

[Guitarguy_82]

clearly showing you still care (in my opinion).

 

Indeed I do still care. I still have feelings for her. It has only been a month or so since the initial BU. Which is why I began NC in the first place.

 

I was hesitant to ask her to go out but I figured (at that particular moment in time) that a simple invite wouldn't be a bad thing. If we can be friends I'm open to that suggestion assuming we're both cool about it.

 

Hindsight being what it is, I probably could have gone without asking...as casual as I thought it would be.

 

Still though, why no reply? Like I said I'd have taken a "no" response and went on my merry way. I suppose no answer reinforces the notion that she's purely selfish at this point.