Why Aren't Women Interested In Guys Like Me?

[Thorshammer]

Confidence for many is a trait. A state of mind, etc. Even if you have the "skills" as i mentioned, it still wont mean much if you dont have the trait. You will be selling a racing car with a slow engine, at some point she will find out and question your reliability and future. So, in other words... if you say and do something... then be that... for as long as possible, or avoid becoming the opposite. There are so many posters who 'slip' in their behavior (either because they didnt realize how important behavioral consistency is, or they were set back and lost what made them attracted to them in the first place (which was my case)) and they lose out in the end.

 

I am sure there are some good books and other sources on building self-confidence. Sometimes you build confidence from things you wouldnt think would... for me, it was being a computer salesmen for 4 years and having to literally practice numerous different social situations with pressure from both customers and managers.

[CMS]

There are few ways to build confidence:

 

1) find your oasis, something that you know you excel at, so ask yourself this, what are you really passionate about or really good at doing? (I am into heavy lifting), find that something and just do mentally picturing yourself doing that thing you will instantly feel more confident.

 

2) face your fear, put yourself in situation that will put your courage to test, you will find you will gain courage everytime you face your fear, regardless of the outcome. So get out of your existing comfort zone, try something new, and expand that comfort zone.

 

3) reframe your thoughts, you are nice to women probably because you are not very successful at getting girls, you sound like a good husband material but that does not help you attract her to you, but you can change that by telling yourself that you are an awesome dude with lots to offer (put yourself on the pedestal), dont be afraid to tease girls, bust on them like what you would do with your friends, trust me it works.

[Stay_home]

I met a woman once who was very nice, extremely nice. But she was also really shy (too shy for my taste) and just wasn't very interesting. She didn't have much to talk about and not much of an opinion about anything. I got bored with her. There was no intellectual conversation being cooked up, not a lot of chemistry. Instead, very reserved and quiet. No flirts, nothing.

 

Up until then, I never really understood why women didn't go for nice guys. I understand it now. Once again, she was a very nice woman, but just not very much fun & way too dry (figuratively speaking). I like my women to be just a little bit more confident and sure. I don't need a super brash and abrasive woman, but someone who obviously can carry on a conversation and pick her own movie to watch instead of relying on what I want to always see. I don't want that, I want someone with their own opinion about things and this girl just didn't have that. So I got bored and I see why some women do as well.

[Two Pound Four]

Listen mate, for a long time i've been in your boat, and still I slightly am, but I come to realise the confidence women look for in a partner isn't in approachability, friendliness, and the ability to keep a good conversation.

These are good traits to maintain a relationship, hence the reason women say that is what they want. But displaying these traits and these alone will give a friendly impression and so will start the connection as a friendship - You don't want to be fighting an uphill 'friendzone' battle the moment you've met someone!

 

Though there are always exceptions, generally men prey on the women, metaphorically ofcourse, in that the men are the initiators. If you like a women in a certain way, you show it, the difference has to be established on your first encounters, you are being friended because you are being too friendly. I'm not saying you do, but don't put women on a pedastel, be cheeky, be upfront, and think of the true goal at hand, usually then your body will give the signs, our mouths only do a minority of the 'talking'. Women can read social situations alot better than men, and so can pickup on your intentions just by the tone of your voice, the way you stand, your facial expressions etc

 

In short, don't hide what you want out of a girl when you first meet them just to be polite. Asking for a phone number on first encounter usually sets the standard, if you pitched well, you'll get it - If you don't, don't feel pity on yourself and try befriending them, just move on.

[pl3asehelp]

So this woman you met was nice and also all these other things that aren't attractive to you. All 'nice' people don't have all of those same attributes you're describing.

[Thorshammer]

I agree with this. This and other methods you can find help build confidence for many people.

 

Its all a state of mind as I said in my original post, you can drop me in the middle of the bar where I dont know anyone, and the culture and people are different from what i am used to, and I will gradually drop my head and lose a bit of confidence. Catch me when I am at my element, training people at a gym, kickboxing, and I am confident 'mood' that I am more social. Its about shifting your perspective and controlling yourself. It does take work, but at some point (hopefully), the state of mind you look for will be when you are actually dating- that will be your element.

[carra]

Look, so many men say this because they lack skill, so they blame it on the women and say we dont want the good guy. Oh sure...we like the abusive ass who belittles us, and knocks us around

 

(...)

 

You need skill!

It always strikes me how you women keep saying that everything should be natural, not thinking about it, not trying... and then tell men that we need to build skill (that is, "train", the opposite of natural and unintentional).

 

It's just one of the many contradictions in what women expect from men. Like for instance men being expected to be persistent with a woman that avoids showing any interest (which can easily backfire and get us seen as stalkers).

[Stay_home]

So this woman you met was nice and also all these other things that aren't attractive to you. All 'nice' people don't have all of those same attributes you're describing.

 

Never said all, you said that.

 

I'm describing my experience with this woman and my personal opinion as far as why sometimes being the nice guy/girl doesn't always get the "W" when it comes to dating/relationships. Not all nice people are like this or like that. But she just wasn't for me.

[goodfoot]

Never said all, you said that.

 

I'm describing my experience with this woman and my personal opinion as far as why sometimes being the nice guy/girl doesn't always get the "W" when it comes to dating/relationships. Not all nice people are like this or like that. But she just wasn't for me.

 

This is a lesson I had to learn too. Being nice isn't enough.

[jkhunter]

Thank you for point that out, Carra. You're absolutely right about that. Women tend to be very contradictory and it makes it pretty hard for men to know what we're supposed to do. I've always heard that the best advice for dating is to relax and be yourself. However, look at all these responses on this thread telling me I need to be something other than my natural self. You also make a wonderful point about women playing hard to get. They're testing us and expecting us to persist even though they're clearly displaying lack of interest. Here's the thing, girls. If us guys aren't told about all the contradictory, subversive testing you do to weed out the guys you are interested in, how are we ever supposed to know how to act around you?

[Slimpee]

Being natural and yourself doesn't mean that you can't makes changes in your approach. I think every guy has his own way of doing things and i think it's attractive to women in general when a guy is comfortable and confident in who he is, regardless of what he's like. No, you won't be attractive to every woman, but if you're natural and comfortable w/ who you are, the girls that will make a good match will be naturally drawn to you.

 

For example, the cocky, arrogant thing works for some guys (see the guys on Jersey Shore) while shy and bashful works for others (like every Hugh Grant character). The point is to figure out who you are, what you're good at, your strengths, your weaknesses, etc., and be comfortable with it. And if you're not comfortable w/ some aspect, work at improving.

 

Bottom line, is to be comfortable with yourself and use it to your advantage...

[im_the_undead]

too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.

[DrKitten]

link removed

[resilient7]

interesting read.but its all easier said than done and its not something that even takes work,Ive tried it and still gettign nowhere? some people cant break out of being the so called nice guy.Im startign to believe you either have it or you dont and I dont carry that charming,playful bad boy banter.

[DrKitten]

Nothing worth doing is easy, and excuses are a dime a dozen.

 

Getting over your insecurity should be your first priority because it will better yourself. Attracting women will follow soon after.

[carra]

Getting over your insecurity should be your first priority because it will better yourself. Attracting women will follow soon after.

I have gone through that, and you should know that this is not always true.

To the OP: You will do well to better yourself if that's something you want, but know that it may not help you in dating.

[Slimpee]

To the OP: You will do well to better yourself if that's something you want, but know that it may not help you in dating.

 

That's the thing...you better yourself to be a better, happier, more comfortable person, not to date more. Women are naturally attracted to guys are who are happy and comfortable with themselves so while getting yourself to a good place doesn't NECESSARILY lead to women, it gives you the best chance, IMHO.

 

When i read threads here I try to read between the lines (as best you can on an internet forum) and see if the OP needs to work on him/herself first or if it's just smaller tweaking to attitude, body language, etc. In this case, it seems like the OP needs more of the former than the latter...

[wilyone 11]

Women like nice guys with an edge. We don't respect pushovers, or doormats, or guys who let us get away with sh*t. We also like a little bit of a challenge. Too nice, too available, too eager is flat out boring.

[TehShyGuy85]

Interesting topic going on here. I already know my "Issue" areas in this aspect. My issue are that i'm just way to friendly to girls and always end up automatically in the friendzone, they don't think of me as a boyfriend, only a friend. People say i'm handsome, great guy, great listener, polite and etc. I feel confident and am happy with who i am as a person and People think that i'm either married or are engaged or already have a girlfriend.

 

I'm 26 years old and i have never had a girlfriend or have dated, CRAZY RIGHT? the question lies why? My issue is because i'm afraid of rejection and i'm just an all around friendly guy who just gives off friendly vibes to girls/women and what happens is they automatically friend zone me.

[bigboy77]

hahaha women do want everything they told you .. BUT they missed one important thing. They want a man with options that can sleep with many girls if he wanted too, but he chooses them and gives them all those traits.. good luck haha

[Thorshammer]

You guys need to be more aggressive and confident. I never get friendzoned, either she likes me, or shes turned off that she knows i can not be a "friend" without an agenda... and thats perfectly fine, i dont want a big collection of friends.

[wsim]

Another key factor is luck and timing... sometimes it doesn't work out for whatever reason. You can do a lot of good things, but if women aren't interested/attracted, nothing can really change their minds. After all, it takes two to tango.

 

You also need to accept the harsh reality that dating and relationships aren't always meant in the cards for everyone. There will be guys who aren't able to find themselves in one, no matter what they do.

[carra]

You guys need to be more aggressive and confident. I never get friendzoned, either she likes me, or shes turned off that she knows i can not be a "friend" without an agenda... and thats perfectly fine, i dont want a big collection of friends.

See, one of the things that I like the least in this life is pushy people, and that's why I try to never be pushy with women. I can make a couple of tries, but if she shows no interest I will not keep pursuing her. In the *very* few cases where I did, the girls flew away and I even lost contact with a good friend because of this.

 

I know that some men are all insistent and phony and it works for them, but that is NOT me.

 

You also need to accept the harsh reality that dating and relationships aren't always meant in the cards for everyone. There will be guys who aren't able to find themselves in one, no matter what they do.

Well, if your long term future plans in life include a relationship without a doubt, what should one do then? Do we jump off a building or something? There has to be some way. Though to be honest I have not found it yet.

[Thorshammer]

See, one of the things that I like the least in this life is pushy people, and that's why I try to never be pushy with women. I can make a couple of tries, but if she shows no interest I will not keep pursuing her. In the *very* few cases where I did, the girls flew away and I even lost contact with a good friend because of this.

 

I know that some men are all insistent and phony and it works for them, but that is NOT me.

 

 

No one said anything about being phony, or pushy... when it comes to this post and being friend-zoned, i assume (as from what I picked up from the OP's post and the replies) is that the lack of confidence is stopping him from pursuing. Its not like all women stop contact if they know the guy likes them, there is enough examples in real life to know that both sexes keep friends that might or HAD a crush on them.

 

I dont beat around the bush. I stare in theirs eyes, smile, tease, say jokes that lead into playful discussion of the 'us', and i edge closer, all of this i do based on body gestures and her reaction, the more she gives... the more i return and vice versa. If she doesnt reciprocate that, then i back off, still have a good time, and then close the day, or move on to someone else. I cant keep all these dates as friends, they will slip into the wayside even if i wanted to keep them as friends, and they themselves I am sure have their own options that they need to wade through.

 

I know this one woman who i went straight to her, after my cousin became friend-zoned. I flirted with her, got back way more in return, i got the number and all signs said go. We texted back and forth- suddenly she got back with her husband last week before we can actually date and hook up, and guess who gets the cold shoulder??? Me... guess who shes texting about sports and other things... my cousin (who continually says he feels "used" by her as a shoulder to cry on when her husband wants to leave), and we both know her for the same amount of time. She knows my intentions, and she knows her own intentions of having me around.

 

In the above case, i am understanding. When we see each other again, her and her husband, we will play it cool as expected.

[Chelsea931]

For some strange reason women go for the ''cool'' guys but I have realized that the ''mr cool'' isn't necessarily the right one .. they just treat you like crap .Things need to evolve I say .