how to make this introduction more compelling?

[yellowjello]

I am working on a personal statement and most that I've seen (for my field at least) start off the introduction with an anecdote, written in narrative style, or a metaphor, and the first few sentences are captivating and poetic and beautiful and interesting. I need my introduction to be beautiful and draw the readers curiosity. I will paste my introduction and I hope some of you have some ideas on how to rephrase to make it start off better.

 

I should probably explain what the topic is. My essay is going to show how I have different aspects to my personality and different perspectives. The introduction talks about Georgia O'Keefe's patio door paintings. It is the same door but she painted it over and over with a different perspective every time, and in each painting it looks completely different. I am relating this to myself, in that I have many different perspectives and aspects to me which seem completely different but I remain the same person.

 

The door remains the same. But it looks as if it takes on an avatar in each painting. The door is dynamic. I looked at the large wall filled with paintings. They all featured the same subject, a black patio door. It was a subject of fascination and almost obsession for Georgia O'Keefe, who painted that door almost 30 times. These paintings are considered less inspired by some critics, who note their repetitiveness, yet they are, in fact, quite fascinating. O'Keefe painted the patio door with a different perspective in each painting, causing it to look different every time. This insight in perspective, the many perspectives, is very much like the way I think of myself.

 

Thank you

[NightLily]

The idea is good.. one thing is definitely make sure you spell the artist's name correctly. It is O'Keeffe.

 

One change you can make is to mix up the sentence structure a bit. You start many of them with the subject right off that bat. You can also combine the idea of the 2nd and 3rd sentence so the reading flows together better and is less truncated sounding. Also I would combine the 4th and 5th sentence into one and take out the ambiguity about what "they" in the 5th sentence refers to.

 

Beyond that look at your diction. Circle the words you use repetitively and see if there is a more varied or eloquent way to say those things.

 

Those are some quick fixes. I hope my input can be helpful to you.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree, the first sentence is catchy, but the following few sentences are too choppy. It takes too long to figure out where you're going. The link between avatar and painting isn't clear. You switch from a door to a wall without an immediate reason - the "picture" of your story isn't painted yet. I made a few suggestions, leaving as much of your original text as possible. I hope this helps.

 

The door remains the same. But as it takes on a new expression with each painting, the door becomes dynamic. As I look intently at a large wall filled with paintings, they all feature the same subject: a black patio door. This was a subject of fascination and almost obsession for...