Ex-boyfriend visit upcoming in 2 weeks

[purple_monster]

I've really appreciated everyone's stories here, as a lot of them are similar to my own. But my ex is visiting in a couple weeks so I wanted get your thoughts -- or maybe just words of encouragement.

 

My ex and I were together for more than 3 years (and off and on for a couple years before that) before we broke up about a month ago. For the last year, we were long distance on opposite coasts, and that contributed to the disintegration of our relationship. He was preparing to move to my city sometime soon, but before that happened, I made a decision that I was not happy enough with the relationship to put the necessary work into it to repair things after the year-long separation.

 

So he is coming out here in a couple weeks to talk to me in person (we broke up over the phone), and so we can each get our respective stuff back. We haven't been talking since the breakup, except as necessary to make visiting arrangements.

 

I'm going to let him stay with me (he'll be here for maybe 5 days), and I will probably let him stay in my bed -- it feels cruel to banish him to the couch. What I've been trying to figure out lately is if I should have ex-sex if he wants to.

 

The problem is that when we broke up years ago (this would be during the off-and-on over three years ago), we kept having sex after the breakup -- he told me that he didn't want to get back together, and I thought that made it okay -- only later he confessed that he desperately wanted to get back together and told me what he had to so he didn't scare me off.

 

So is it my job to be his chaperone and deny him sex? I want to believe that he's an adult and it's his responsibility to figure out what he wants and act on it, and if he lies to me, it's not mean of me to have sex with him. But I'm not sure if maybe this is one of those "you should know better" things.

[Mun]

Hi there,

Wow, you're in a bit of a bind here. I don't know if you will like my advice much, but here it goes.

 

I don't think you should give him your bed to start with. You are being a real sweetheart simply letting him stay at your place. It's nice of you to want to give him the bed, but I don't think it's a good idea. Why are you going to sleep on the couch? I think if he is a good guy he won't let you give him your bed anyway.

 

Now.. post-break-up sex if he wants it? Why? What do you want? I think before you do it you should ask yourself : How am I going to feel if we sleep together and we don't get back together...or... How am I going to feel if we sleep together and then I find out he is seeing ( or starts seeing) someone else?

 

If he wants to get back with you I don't think it will depend on whether you have sex again or not. Not if he's a quality guy it won't.

 

I hope you can make a good decision and you get what you want out of this reunion.

[purple_monster]

oh -- i think i wasn't clear. thanks for your reply -- here's some followup that might make things clearer.

 

i'm 100% (okay, maybe more like 95%) positive i do NOT want to get back together with him. i've already started meeting other people, and i've decided there are a lot of other people out there i want to meet.

 

and since my ex and i have really good sex, i would love to have sex with him, but i'm not going to initiate it.

 

and, i didn't mean i would sleep on the couch. i meant i would offer sharing my bed. having a roommate makes it harder for me to force him to take the couch because that seems to make it all the more public.

 

all i'm looking for out of this reunion is to get my stuff back and get rid of his stuff. it'll be a bonus to get a hang out with my (former?) best friend, and maybe some ex-sex. i am trying to figure out how to avoid making him think we can get back together (as i said, it's basically NC) without being mean to him.

 

i just don't want to make it any worse than it is. i want to let him decide what he feels comfortable with, since i am not really sure how he feels about things now (since i'm not talking to him), and basically i want to be able to trust him to make these decisions, instead of making them for him.

[Mun]

If he is only coming to collect his stuff then why is he coming for 5 days?

[purple_monster]

i don't actually know. i thought he was only going to come for a couple days, but when we talked about it last week he said he was coming wed-sun.

 

i know there are some work-related meetings he has set up with people out here. (people he was planning to work closely with after moving out here). other than that, i don't really know. i didn't ask, and the phone call was less than 3 minutes long.

 

to be honest, i'm a little skeptical too. i'm not sure if he expects to spend the entire 5 days with me, but i feel obligated to clear my social calendar for those days.

[Mun]

I have a different opinion than you do , but I'm not going to try and change your mind... so I will simply wish you luck and hope things work out the best way possible for you.

[savannahohsavannah]

Sex with the ex opens up a Pandora's Box of possibilities many of which are lousy.

[Rebecca81]

I completely agree with the previous reply. I recently saw my ex and we had sex. While it was beautiful, it made things so awkward. We didn't end up getting back together, and like you, I wasn't completely sure I wanted that in the first place. BUT, sex brings a new level of intimacy to the table. I feel like since I saw him I've actually fallen back a few steps. Please be careful and I wish you good luck.

 

Love,

Becca

[purple_monster]

thanks becca and savannah.

 

i sent him an email stating my point that he shouldn't try or expect to get back together with me. we'll see what happens.