I'm so obsessed with my current boyfriend. It's ruining my life

[Jenuine]

No, embrace the freedom and space you give yourself. He doesnt have to give you anything, you have just as much power and value in this relationship as he does, when you lose that you will lose everything, including him. When hes not there, go discover a new hobby like yoga and build a new social circle, create new goals and plans outside of him, etc. This can serve as a distraction, help regain your independence, and build your confidence as you expand your interests and hopefully meet new people. I feel if you dont fear being alone, then you wont obsess about it, and you wont stress the relationship.

 

Besides, its cute. I love when I have someone and they learn something new, and a bit of distance and loss of a bit of attention creates sexual tension for me.

Thanks so much for your input. I already feel much more confident since yesterday, but this adds to it.

He DID mention i should go and do something hahaha.. gosh Im so annoyed at myself for how clingy I've been behaving for the past weeks.. I was NEVER like this before I met him and once we dated. Even when we were in the initial stages of dating I was aloof and independent as ever and I loved it.. I just assumed, once you're with someone and take the relationship seriously it MUST mean you should spend all your time with them, talk to them EVERY SINGLE DAY, call them EVERY single day etc. So when he wouldn't CALL me everyday or TEXT me everyday I assumed from my perspective that he didn't like me or want me which wasn't true at all. I really had an immature perception on relationships huh?

 

I honestly don't even know what really interests me because I have so many interests.

[HappyHealing]

Great to see some updates and it seems you are getting better in managing your anxiety. I'm very glad for you. It seems you are on the right track. If you can afford at all the therapy session, i strongly recommend you to try it out and you may dig more stuff out that could benefit you for your transformation & growth.

 

Moneypenny mentioned something i totally agree - that is to explore trust issue as well. This can be subtle yet detrimental hazard buried deep in. Trusting of your partner and trusting of yourself. Also very important as MP pointed out - please do not judge or label any of your anxiety/fear/stress/obsess with notions of being weak, silly or bad etc... They are perfectly normal reaction for anyone who carries past unresolved emotions. Accept them, acknowledge that they are there, observe them when they come up, befriend them whilst they run their course, and say goodbye to them, watch them leave you gradually and completely, just like you parting with an old friend, let them go with kindness. Sometimes they may come back and knock on your door, don't judge, panic or fight, just observe and acknowledge, and they will leave you as they inevitably will.

 

No self punishment or criticism for anything you do under your state of anxiety, see it as your are growing, those are just experiences of growing. Caterpillar turns into butterfly through a process of metamorphosis, lots of breakdown before the breakthrough so all is well.

 

Fully accepting yourself as exactly the way you are with all the perceived imperfections, you are fine, enough and lovable - on top of that you are growing fast!

[Jenuine]

Every single time you feel the urge to call him either do physical exercise (I don't care if you run in place or dance in your room, or go out for a brisk walk) or call someone else and do not talk about him or your obsession -in fact, let the other person do most of the talking and you focus on being an active listener. That will start to train your mind not to "go there" because you're basically going to ignore the urge to go there. Not the feelings- you can't control that - but the actions or reactions to those feelings.

 

is it bad that I told him I'd give him space since he's having a hard time?

[Jenuine]

Thank you!

 

I have not felt this good in.. awhile! I felt so anxious and depressed in the beginning of my week but after identifying the real problem - obsession, anxiety, self-esteem, trust i feel more at ease and I genuinely mean that. I've need felt this good..

 

I've reduced to thinking about him all the time to less, and when I do think about him it's positive moments not fear of him leaving, or fear in general. I DID tell him i know he is busy and stressed out (he's taking care of his father, alone, his mom left, he's working, paying rent alone, groceries alone, school alone) all that stuff... So I told him id give him space. I'm wondering if that was wrong or not and wished him a happy Christmas and new year.

 

The problem is that I noticed as well, is I had very unhealthy expectations with relationships I assumed you're supposed to smother and talk, see them every single day. And when he wouldn't I presumed he didn't care or love me. but I was wrong. And my expectations are unhealthy so I've changed them, and now learning to embrace the beauty of space and having my own life and not feeling bad about it. I do love and care for him. But I also don't want to be taken advantage of and I want to get my life back on track as that was one other reason why he fell for me.

 

Thank you so much for your advice it really helped! I haven't felt this at ease in awhile.. The breathing excersises do help. And I got in touch with a therapist I am seeing one tomorrow. My best friend recommended me to one. I am nervous I don't know what the experience is like I'm also learning to accept all my emotions and not tie negativity around them.

[Moneypenny]

No self punishment or criticism for anything you do under your state of anxiety, see it as your are growing, those are just experiences of growing. Caterpillar turns into butterfly through a process of metamorphosis, lots of breakdown before the breakthrough so all is well.

 

Fully accepting yourself as exactly the way you are with all the perceived imperfections, you are fine, enough and lovable - on top of that you are growing fast!

 

Very eloquently put! And very true.

 

is it bad that I told him I'd give him space since he's having a hard time? [/Quote]

 

No, and now leave it at that, don't mention it to him again. If he's having a hard time the best thing you can do is give him breathing space to deal with things in his own way. If you practice feelings of loving kindness towards him, he will instinctively sense that you will be there for him, if and when he needs you.

 

But I also don't want to be taken advantage of and I want to get my life back on track as that was one other reason why he fell for me.[/Quote]

 

The feeling of not wanting to be taken advantage of goes with the territory of all the conflict you've been experiencing - it goes hand in hand with the trust issues. As you begin to bring more and more of yourself back into focus, these feelings will dissipate.

 

It's great to hear you're going to see a therapist. You won't regret it. Well done.

[turtles420]

I have read things and really thought they applied to me, but i can honestly say it is like i wrote this because it is word for word my situation right now, even the length of the relationship is the same. the part about crying and being a complete infant is extremely accurate to my situation as well and i'm losing my damn mind from all of the stress i am putting our relationship under. it is getting to the point where i am so worried that we are going to break up because of how i have been acting the past 2 months, but even though the core reason for my anxiety is caused by my own behavior it only gets worse and worse.

[eskimobobseal]

wow OP - you must have fantastic sex with this guy.

 

Alright, I'll get serious.

 

I've been on the receiving end of an obsessed girlfriend before. Sometimes, she'd cry profusely if I suggested going home and NOT sleeping over. She used to throw hissy fits if I wanted to leave her house early, or if I didn't want to talk on the phone for one night (she wanted to talk every single solitary night) due to a commitment to a friend or wrestling was on TV or something. Bottom line is, I never got my space. Where are we both now? She's with another dude and I'm single. Relationships like this simply do not last. GIVE. HIM. SPACE. You love this guy, no question, but don't let your love turn into a fear of losing him. Here's a fact you won't like to hear, you may lose him. This guy may wake up tomorrow morning and decide he doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. You may also wake up tomorrow morning and, on your way to work or school, get into a fatal car accident or get run over by a semi truck. We cannot predict the future, and when we start worrying SO MUCH about it - we ruin the present. Don't let yourself do that anymore.

 

Enjoy what you have now, cherish every moment with your man and show him unconditional love that he won't get anywhere else. Don't love him because you're AFRAID to lose him, love him because of what a perfect match he is for you. Love him because he completes you, not because he is needed. Scale back on the constant calls and texts, and work on making yourself a better/more complete person. Learn a new talent, spend more time with friends/family, and stop worrying so damn much about your boyfriend. If things are going well for you guys, he isn't just going to randomly leave you for no reason. And if he does, you can deal with that problem when it happens - but constantly calling and texting is only going to make the chances of him deciding to leave you, which are very very small to begin with, that much bigger. In a sense, you're hurting the relationship you covet so much with your fear. Don't do that. Enjoy every moment you have, and you'll notice a happier/healthier relationship for the both of you.

[Bex3]

Honestly hon, seeing each other 1-2 times a week and talking three times seems like very little to me. My bf and I were in the same place for a year and a half and saw each other every day and slept together almost every night, and then we did long distance for over a year and spoke on the phone or skyped every day, and texted a little throughout the day. It's totally fine if seeing each other 2x a week is what both people want out of a relationship, but it's probably less than "average." But I digress, because what other people are doing does NOT matter....if you want someone you can see more often and who is in contact with you more often, you're always going to be anxious being with someone who is not comfortable with this level of contact. I think you either need to talk to him about your needs or find someone who wants to talk to and see you more often ... wanting that doesn't make you crazy!

[weathergirl]

Does anyone realize that Jenuine started this thread back in 2011! I imagine she is long gone by now. Although I DO wonder what happened with her boyfriend. If you ever come back Jenuine, please update us.

[Wildhorses]

Does anyone realize that Jenuine started this thread back in 2011! I imagine she is long gone by now. Although I DO wonder what happened with her boyfriend. If you ever come back Jenuine, please update us.

 

I'm a little curious too. But I will say this, there is no way to convey in these posts all the nuances and things that affect the senses and gut feelings someone has when they are with their boyfriends, etc. I would say that the anxiety is a result of something going on with him that is setting off her anxiety and she may not have been tuned into them. It's true anxiety can be the result of imagined issues, and may be their own issues, however, when it goes to obsession over another person like this, there is a reason for it. She really needs to look deeper into herself and the situation. He may been giving cues and signals, that she hasn't consciously picked up on or put in her posts. I hope she is doing better now.