Boyfriend of 3 years no longer seems interested

[morganboo163]

Hey guys, if anyone has any advice/suggestions they'd be greatly appreciated.

 

To start, My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. He is 21, I am 20. We recently got our own apartment together, we had been living together before with my parents but this is the first time we've both been out on our own and paying bills, etc. Our sex life has never been extremely active, but we now have not had sex for over a month and are in a major rut there, and in our relationship in general. About a year ago we had an issue, my boyfriend is a night owl and he always seems to be up all night on the computer talking to people. well, in this situation he was talking to a mutal friend of ours, a girl, and ended up apparently getting mixed emotions about her. he told her how he felt, she felt awkward, and my boyfriend ended up telling me all about it before her boyfriend got to, but we got over that and moved on. However, I've still had trouble trusting him completely because he still has his night owl habits and I have to be up early. Well, about 5 days ago I felt especially suspicious so I decided to go through his phone (bad idea, I know). Of course, as they say, if you look for trouble you'll probably find it. And I did. My boyfriend has a really close relationship with all of his co-workers since he works most of the time. I read a facebook message with his friend Travis, who is kind of an Idiot to say the least. My boyfriend was saying all these things about a girl he works with, how he wants her to have his babies, how he thinks shes so hot and he apparently went to south haven with her at some point which i'm not aware of and was talking about her awesome bikini bod. this hurts, of course, because I have already been feeling unloved and such because of our lack of physically intimacy already. So his conversation continued with this Travis, and eventually he ended up saying "I need to get rid of my girl." this hurt me so bad I just stormed right in the room, woke him up and confronted him about it. He claimes that he was talking up some girl at his work so that travis would be into her, but I mean with all that detail, and what happened to us a year ago, how am I supposed to believe that? And as for the needing to get rid of me, he says its because I've been an emotion wreck lately, which I have, due to unhappiness in the relationship that never seems to get fixed no matter how many times I come to him with my problems. Now I feel like any time i'm unhappy or want something more, he's going to see me as needy and feel like he "needs to get rid of me" again. And the sex thing, thats a whole other issue. Not having sex in over a month, I wonder if hes getting it somewhere else. I've keep an eye on our condom supply and none seem to have gone missing, so am I just crazy or is he just being smart? I feel like I need to do something, hes taken me out to dinner and tried spending more time with me since our fight over the girl from his work, but is he lying to me about what he said about her? Hes still up late every night doing god knows what and I dont know how i'm supposed to ever be comfortable when he goes to work knowing theres all these girls he'd rather be spending time with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Pirandello]

trust your gut feeling, your gut is never wrong.

[morganboo163]

How do you trust your gut when it tells you something different every 5 min?

[superfan]

I would end this relationship. There is already a basis for mistrust there (and rightly so). Whether it was right or wrong to go through his phone (and that brings up a whole other host of issues regarding trust), what you saw can't be unseen. I know for a fact that my husband would not say anything to his friends about another girl that he wouldn't say to me himself (which might sound odd, but if he finds another girl attractive he will just out and out tell me). In this case he went behind your back talking to one of his buddies about how he "needed to get rid of his girl" and you know he went out with this co-worker of his at least once. For me, that would just be too much mistrust.

 

Now everybody's different, so my thoughts might not be what is right for you but I would suggest at the very least seeing a relationship counsellor (if he is up for it and/or you can afford it). You guys are still pretty young...maybe you weren't quite ready to move in and take the relationship to the level you are at now. Might be also a good idea to take a break and figure out if it is both what you really want.

[morganboo163]

Well he specifically talked me out of leaving because he says he doesn't want me to, that he said it in an "emotional outrage" and was venting. Also, any event of my leaving would involve my mother which is usually bad. christmas and everything is still going on so I feel like maybe I just need to re think it. he says "its not like I cheated" but its emotional so it still hurts, especially when I'm not getting the affection I deserve. we've done little more than kiss, just a peck, before and after work, but he is also so deathly afraid of getting me pregnant that that factors in as well. Theres just so many things, and it sucks knowing talking about it to him will just make him resent me more.

[Raaawr]

Hey guys, if anyone has any advice/suggestions they'd be greatly appreciated.

Hai!

 

To start, My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. He is 21, I am 20. We recently got our own apartment together, we had been living together before with my parents but this is the first time we've both been out on our own and paying bills, etc.

You are very young, possibly too young for this and it will put stress on your relationship.

 

Our sex life has never been extremely active, but we now have not had sex for over a month and are in a major rut there, and in our relationship in general.

Why?

 

About a year ago we had an issue, my boyfriend is a night owl and he always seems to be up all night on the computer talking to people. well, in this situation he was talking to a mutal friend of ours, a girl, and ended up apparently getting mixed emotions about her. he told her how he felt, she felt awkward, and my boyfriend ended up telling me all about it before her boyfriend got to, but we got over that and moved on.

So essentially he was emotionally cheating on you and out of fear of you hearing it from someone else he confessed. Otherwise we have no idea how far it could have gone.

 

However, I've still had trouble trusting him completely because he still has his night owl habits and I have to be up early. Well, about 5 days ago I felt especially suspicious so I decided to go through his phone (bad idea, I know). Of course, as they say, if you look for trouble you'll probably find it. And I did.

Not necessarily, if your partner gives you reason to doubt I can understand going through a phone or email.

 

My boyfriend has a really close relationship with all of his co-workers since he works most of the time. I read a facebook message with his friend Travis, who is kind of an Idiot to say the least.

How is he up at all hours if he works most of the time?

 

My boyfriend was saying all these things about a girl he works with, how he wants her to have his babies, how he thinks shes so hot and he apparently went to south haven with her at some point which i'm not aware of and was talking about her awesome bikini bod. this hurts, of course, because I have already been feeling unloved and such because of our lack of physically intimacy already.

Sounds to me like he is emotionally already out the door. This is not normal behaviour in a relationship. You may think "its just a guy being a guy" I dont know, but let me tell you this is not acceptable behaviour from anyone.

 

So his conversation continued with this Travis, and eventually he ended up saying "I need to get rid of my girl." this hurt me so bad I just stormed right in the room, woke him up and confronted him about it. He claimes that he was talking up some girl at his work so that travis would be into her, but I mean with all that detail, and what happened to us a year ago, how am I supposed to believe that?

You aren't, I wouldnt. I have never known a guy to talk about a girl like that to make a friend interested in her. What is the point?

 

And as for the needing to get rid of me, he says its because I've been an emotion wreck lately, which I have, due to unhappiness in the relationship that never seems to get fixed no matter how many times I come to him with my problems.

This, one thousand times this. He clearly is just not into the relationship anymore.

 

Now I feel like any time i'm unhappy or want something more, he's going to see me as needy and feel like he "needs to get rid of me" again. And the sex thing, thats a whole other issue. Not having sex in over a month, I wonder if hes getting it somewhere else.

He will, his tolerance for you has diminished and any little thing you do will annoy him because it seems to me in his heart he wants out. He could be getting it elsewhere, he could not be. Either way it doesnt matter and there is no point confronting him about it.

 

I've keep an eye on our condom supply and none seem to have gone missing, so am I just crazy or is he just being smart?

Why bother? He could get condoms anywhere.

 

I feel like I need to do something, hes taken me out to dinner and tried spending more time with me since our fight over the girl from his work, but is he lying to me about what he said about her?

Do you believe he will keep this up? Do you think in 2 months time he will still be doing this?

 

Hes still up late every night doing god knows what and I dont know how i'm supposed to ever be comfortable when he goes to work knowing theres all these girls he'd rather be spending time with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

What all of this comes down to is the fact that you are clearly unhappy in the relationship. You have tried to talk to him, your sex life is dead (usually an early sign something is wrong), he is not interested in changing for you. So I will ask 1 question. Are you happy in this relationship?

[Raaawr]

Well he specifically talked me out of leaving because he says he doesn't want me to, that he said it in an "emotional outrage" and was venting.

His saying that means very little. When people are faced with the prospect of a relationship ending the usual immediate reaction is "DONT GET DUMPED". I wouldnt put too much weight on those words to be honest.

 

Also, any event of my leaving would involve my mother which is usually bad. christmas and everything is still going on so I feel like maybe I just need to re think it. he says "its not like I cheated" but its emotional so it still hurts,

He may as well have cheated. His actions broke your trust completely. He may not have had the opportunity to actually cheat but his actions sure seem to point thats where he was headed.

 

especially when I'm not getting the affection I deserve. we've done little more than kiss, just a peck, before and after work,

Words are easy, actions are so much harder. I would put less emphasis on his words and more on his lack of action.

 

but he is also so deathly afraid of getting me pregnant that that factors in as well.

Does it though? You had a sex life before didnt you? What changed? Just completely throwing it out there with little evidence but perhaps he is afraid of being stuck with you?

 

Theres just so many things, and it sucks knowing talking about it to him will just make him resent me more.

So your trust is gone and you feel you can no longer communicate with him. It sounds like the end of the road I am afraid.

[morganboo163]

I work 10-5 every day, he works 4pm-1am sometimes later, so our schedules are just totally off, so even if I do wait up for him he never wants to come to bed he wants to play his video game or w/e and he acts like when we do happen to get a day off together just sitting on the couch is spending time together. Our sex life has never been very exciting because he has back problems which cause him pain often, and he is for some reason terrified of me getting pregnant although I'm on birth control and we use condoms. I'm not happy anymore, not really, but I've been trying to be different myself for the last couple days, trying not to be needy or anything but theres not a whole lot of change and like I said before we've had the conversation a million times and nothing changes for more than a couple days. I just feel like he is my life now and we've been through so much and he says he doesn't want me to leave, I just am afraid he just thinks i'll go crazy or something if he does dump me.

[Raaawr]

You dont sound that needy to be honest, sounds like you want your boyfriend to be a boyfriend. It also sounds like you are both on different paths at the moment and probably have been for a while. Your different work schedules obviously dont help.

 

Be different for yourself, but do it outside of this relationship. End it with him, dont wait for him to end it with you and I really think in a few months time when he finds himself something better (and he seems to be searching) he will drop you. I would cut it now before the damage is done.

 

Doesnt matter what he thinks, you know you arent happy in this so get out and be happier.

[OrangeMoon]

Sometimes on ENA I get the feeling like I'm always saying this. But here it goes again...

 

You should be preparing yourself to pack your bags. He is already emotionally checking out. The fact that you now caught him twice..will only stall things. But also his great fear of you getting pregnant is a psychological thing. To 'joke' about some girl having his babies but to be scared shizzless about you having one..is a sign.

 

He is still buying time because he doesnt have a replacement YET..

 

so trust your gut on this one. It only seems to differ every 5 mins because you try to rationalize those feelings away. But in your heart you know that you are not receiving what you deserve.

 

Don't waste your good years on a relationship that already is fizzling out right infront of your eyes. You could be hanging in there for 5 years more..but guess what..it will end due to the same reasons or worse..

 

Its a good thing you came here. Get your head together and prepare. There is never a right time. I have ended a 10 year relationship on the day of Christmas. When you are unhappy..you are unhappy..no use waiting till day X..

[Enigmatical]

This guy is a lying skank! "I was trying to get Travis interested in her" BUUUUL SHIIIT! Sorry Im heated about stupid boys like this. Please end this, and do it now efore he does. Its over sweetie. Hes not emotionally invested in you anymore. I dont give this advice too often but this sounds terrible to have in relationship. Beat him to the punch.

[Pirandello]

 

so trust your gut on this one.

 

Just like i said earlier follow your gut feeling.

[Biarritz]

Having been in a relationship that was dead before it officially ended... this man is passively-aggressively exiting this relationship and probably won't go until he has the next one lined up, or is too much of a chickenpoop to sit down and tell you that he's ready to move on, so he's showing you through his emotional distance, lack of intimacy, and disrespecting you (yes, disrespecting you) by speaking in this manner to other women and his friends.

 

He doesn't sound mature enough to recognize what it takes to be in a committed relationship. As a result, your emotions and your heart are being dragged through the gutter. Every time he's good to you, it gives you hope that things could change; but you shouldn't have to threaten to leave in order to be treated with a basic level of respect for you and respect for your relationship.

 

I would make plans to either get him out the door, or you get yourself out the door - and living with Mom sucks, but it'll give you a chance to distance yourself (no visual reminders of your relationship), fill the void with people and things that will lift you up and make you happier (and save a little $$) because frankly, You Deserve BETTER. And guess what's standing in between you and Better? Him.

 

I know it's very difficult to end a relationship, even a bad one (and I did just that in August and found out that the ex bf was FAR more shady than I even knew) but it's obvious that this guy isn't making you happy, and you deserve happiness.

[Jd1983]

Honestly, I think it's best to just let him go.

 

Clearly you cannot trust him. I don't believe the bs that he told you either. He's just making excuses because he got caught.

 

If a guy wanted to cheat, they'll be able to cheat. Counting condoms don't mean much because they sell them everywhere.

 

He was definitely emotionally cheating on you, and given the opportunity, I'm sure he'll do a lot more if he hasn't done so already.

 

I don't see the relationship getting any better than it is. It's time to realize your worth and keep it moving.