My Chronic Fatigue may be causing a breakup with my girlfriend - please help!

[james608]

Hi,

Long story short - I'm 22 have been diagnosed with post-infectious fatigue syndrome. I was bitten by a tick when hiking the Appalachian trail when I was 21 and got lymes disease, which was cured with antibiotics but brought on chornic fatigue. I lived with my girlfriend (call her X) for a year as friends at University, she graduated while I had to drop out due to illness in April this year. Over the summer I went to visit her in France (she is French) for a week and I had the BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE! It was my first romantic experience and it was amazing, we snorkeled in the Mediterranean sea holding hands, lay naked together by some natural springs, it felt like I was on a small amount of MDMA... Over this week my chronic fatigue dramatically improved due to the warm weather, the gentle exercise of swimming in the sea, resting lying on the beach, and her presence of course. By the end of the week we had both said we loved each other.

 

I returned home on top of the world, my energy levels were up to about 65% (from a low point 2 months previously when I was at around 15% - I could barely walk a few hundred meters). A couple of weeks past and she came to visit me in Scotland where my Mum lives. We had a great time there too, except it was cold and so I was quite a lot more tired. So we have had a total of 3 weeks together after a year of close friendship. We were madly in love and convinced we would probably spend the rest of our lives together. I think we hoped I would get better in a couple of months and then I'd be able to work again and make money to live together, but unfortunately that has not happened.

 

I am still just as ill as I was before I visited her. The English winter (I've been living with my Dad in England) is NOT good for my illness. I was very slowly improving up until last month, then had an infection from the swimming pool. I had just recovered from this additional infection back to 'normal chronic fatigue' when X phoned me up to say she had been sleeping with another man in France. At first I was in total shock and didn't know what to say or do. Then I cried for 3 days in a row (which is more than when my parents got divorced) and wrote a sad song about it (I'm a musician), bought some weed and smoked for a week. By the time it was all gone I didn't feel quite so heart broken anymore but I then caught a cold (which I still have) which is utterly depressing and exhausting.

 

I am prepared to forgive her for the unfaithfulness, after all we hadn't seen each other for over 2 months. It was still wrong of her, because she had spent weeks before convincing me nothing would happen with this guy and I believed her. But anyway she has cut it off with him and she says she doesn't love him she loves me. She is coming to visit before Christmas and I don't know what to do. I keep bouncing between different extremes. One part of me thinks I should set her free from me. I am such a burden with my illness always being tired, we can't do half the things we want to do, we can't even make love properly. A big part of me thinks that is the right thing to do. But the other part says that is not acceptable. A future without her is not acceptable. I want to live in France with her! Where it's warm and beautiful and where my recovery will be twice as fast! I guess I am still holding out for a miracle, but realistically if I say in England it's going to take at least 6 months to get better (doctors prediction). She is my first ever girlfriend and we share a huge amount of values and she has such a gentle loving spirit. I know it can work really really well, happiness is just around the corner but it's so hard to get to. So basically my options are:

 

1. Tell her it's over, I can't burden her anymore (if you love something set it free etc)

2. Move to France.

 

The problem with 2 is I hardly have any money and due to my illness am unable to work to earn more so I can't afford to rent a place. I am entombed in my Dad's house in England. I would be able to live with her at her Grandma's house in France but I don't speak French and her Gran doesn't speak English! So that wont work. Basically I can't see any way around breaking up with her. Which just seems unfair and makes me angry with God for giving me such a rotten time.

 

I don't know what to do. I can't afford to lose her friendship, I only have a couple of other friends! And I really love her a lot. But I can't keep her

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

Thank you

 

James

[quantumst8]

Well, break up with her for the unfaithfulness if you want. But breaking up cause you don't want to learn French is kind of dumb. It's not that hard to learn another language. Get the Rosetta Stone and get to work.

 

As for the CFS, you might try a psychiatrist and see if you can get on an antidepressant, like Zoloft, which is often used to treat the symptoms of CFS. Also, adopt the healthiest diet you can. Stay away from greasy fried foods, alcohol, highly processed foods, and limit your caffeine intake.

[stalumfi]

As for the CFS, you might try a psychiatrist and see if you can get on an antidepressant, like Zoloft, which is often used to treat the symptoms of CFS. Also, adopt the healthiest diet you can. Stay away from greasy fried foods, alcohol, highly processed foods, and limit your caffeine intake.

 

ME/CFS is a biological and not a psychiatric disorder. Telling someone who has a severely damaged immune system to take drugs, unless under strict medical supervision, is a very bad idea. It looks as if the original poster is in good hands with his doctors, so he should listen to them.

 

James should focus on his health first and foremost. The disruption of moving at the present time would be likely to undo any benefits the warmer climate would bestow. If this girl is worth anything, she will stick around for as long as it takes. Six months to return to health sounds like a long time when you're young, but for ME/CFS it's a very bright outlook, so put off any drastic life decisions until your health improves.

[quantumst8]

Don't take my word for it.

 

link removed

[james608]

Thank you both for the replies. In terms of CFS treatment I am taking Amitriptyline which help me sleep, and also happens to be an anti-depressant (although they are not prescribed for depression any more). I now take 50mg of that every evenening down from 75mg when I was at my worst. I already quit drinking alcohol and smoking weed 8 months ago (apart from the 1 week of weed smoking after finding out she was unfaithful). In terms of other health related tips - I do appreciate them, but I am already eating a very healthy diet that is gluten free (one of my symptoms is gluten intolerence) and I have been very disciplined in going for gentle swims which help sleep and blood flow which helps the brain fog. I also take probiotics and about 8 different vitamins.

 

The learning of French does seem like another potential way out of this, but it will still take far too long especially with the CFS.

 

Miss Bennet - thanks it would be great if she said she would live with me at my Dads house until I was better, but I don't know if I can do that to her! She has a job in France and loves it there, and all the while if she was here I wouldn't have the energy to be a proper boyfriend like she deserves. She has already been incredibly supportive as a friend and helped me through the worst period of the illness when I was considering suicide (was only on my mind briefly when I thought I still had lymes disease which gets worse and worse instead of better).

 

Also the 6 months until recovery is a bit of a guess, it was what I estimated at my last doctors appointment with a CFS specialist and he agreed - since then I've had an ear/head infection from the pool followed by heat-break followed by a cold. It could be twice as long as 6 months or half, though more likely to be longer than shorter. I'd be pretty surprised if it was less than 6.

 

Edit: One more point about counseling - I am offered CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on the NHS to train me to have lower expectations of myself, but I don't think I really need that. The doctor agreed I am getting better, just very very slowly.

[stalumfi]

Don't take my word for it.

 

The article states that some people with CFS also have depression. ME/CFS and depression are not the same thing. Depression is a secondary symptom, as it is with many chronic illnesses, including MS. (I'd include information, but I'm not allowed to post URLs. A quick google of "MS and depression" will suffice.) I am pointing this out because confounding the two is dangerous to people with depression as well as to people with ME.

 

Anyway, James seems to have excellent medical advice and support. I'd be relucant to stay with someone who had cheated on me, but if you feel you can overcome that, that's your right, and it sounds as if the relationship has kept you going through an extremely difficult time in your life. Don't force anything right now, try and be satisfied with long distance for a while longer. Try and visit when you can, and at least learn some elementary French. I know how hard it is with brain fog, but you might get somewhere in six months to a year. By the time you do get better, and the odds are in your favour, your life will have gone through some huge upheavals, so the right choice for both of you may be clearer.

[james608]

Anyway, James seems to have excellent medical advice and support. I'd be relucant to stay with someone who had cheated on me, but if you feel you can overcome that, that's your right, and it sounds as if the relationship has kept you going through an extremely difficult time in your life. Don't force anything right now, try and be satisfied with long distance for a while longer. Try and visit when you can, and at least learn some elementary French. I know how hard it is with brain fog, but you might get somewhere in six months to a year. By the time you do get better, and the odds are in your favour, your life will have gone through some huge upheavals, so the right choice for both of you may be clearer.

 

Thank you for the advice, it took me through the last few months (thinking - I shouldn't make a life decision while still ill). Things have changed again. She's here now visiting me. I have NO IDEA what the **** I am doing. She said she's sorry for hurting me and was crying in my arms last night. I said 'that's ok'. She then said that she hasn't actually completely ended things with him, but has stopped sleeping/having sex with him but they still do sexual things to each other. She says it's complicated, she doesn't love him, she loves me, she loves me so much, she even wants us to have babies together in the future. She says she is under a lot of stress and that she has needs, emotional needs and that he is there in France with her am I am not. She says she told him 3 times to go away but then he comes round and especially apologetic and sweet to her. I didn't know what to say when she told me all this. We were holding each other then she started saying all this and I let go and sat and gazed out the window close to tears. Eventually I just took her hand and hugged her and lay with her for a long time and said talking about what we are going to do or about 'him' his a forbidden topic. I completely cannot deal with it. My chronic fatigue is really bad at the moment, I ran out of probiotics a week ago and I am really uncomfortable bowls. Right now I have a stomach ache and am really really tired and achey. We had another 'sex attempt' last night (i.e. premature ejaculation). She says she wants me inside of her and she loves me so much. I said I don't know what to say, and asked her what she wanted me to say. She said she wanted me to say that 'I understand' and that is isn't betrayel. She says it's not anything if your soul is not in it. I.e. that it's ok for her to go back and be with him. But it is completely NOT OK!!! She says she thinks about me every day and that even though we can't make love properly I handle her the best (I am very gentle/tactile with me hands). I have no idea what to do. The thought of what will happen when she goes back to France keeps invading my mind. I think I might keep the topic 'forbidden' for as long as possible and then give her an ultimatum saying that she can consider my love withdrawn as long as she is with him at all and that I wont answer her texts or communicate at all with her until she has PROPERLY ended it with him once and for all. But I'm not sure. I'm too nice it's not in my temperament to do such things especially when she clearly doesn't mean any harm. Please any advice would help! I started learning French and got French lessons from my Dad for Christmas. I think I can learn a reasonable amount over the course of a few months, but not if she is with him! Apologies for the lack of spell check and paragraphing, she is coming back upstairs.