Confused about NC

[bose]

I was with a girl for about 3months(LDR). Everything was great we had a great connection and suddenly she became a little distant the last couple of weeks. She came out and mentioned that she's been stressed, she was planning on starting med school next year but she started to question that. She wants to start a family before shes 30's and going to med school wouldn't allow that. At the same time she's not sure what else she could do with her life. I assured her that whatever she decided I would support and we would make it work at any cost. Over Thanksgiving she was finally planning on telling her friends and family about us and our relationship but she changed her mind. She again blamed it on stress and mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was ready for a serious relationship. I was shocked to hear this and the fact that suddenly this relationship wasn't a priority to her anymore. My life has been hectic as well but I was able to make it work with her in my life. We talked after Thanksgiving and she decided it would be best to end things. I didn't wanna give her up that easy and told her that this relationship had been fun and exciting until recently and only because of the things going on. I assured her things would be fine and we would make things work and get through this, she wasn't getting in the way of my career and neither was I in her decision for a career. She said being in a relationship was making it even more stressful for her right now and she just can't do it right now. She apologized and said its just bad timing and we both stopped talking. Guys I need your help, I really like this girl..her and we talked about our future together and I just can't imagine not having that and not having her in my life. She texted me a few days after she ended it and wished me happy birthday and said I wish we coulda remained friends. I texted her back and told her that after thinking about it I agree with the break up and I don't mind being friends. We haven't really talked ever since, she sent me an email mentioning that she's been watching our favorite show every night and shes addicted to it. I emailed back and told her I'd been busy with work and I've missed it, she relied briefly saying maybe I could catch up this weekend...No emails or anything after that, I keep reading about NC so that's what I've tried to do. Her birthday is coming up in a few days so I'll probably have to wish her then. I'm wondering if I'm even doing the right thing, should I just completely get her out of my life and not even be friends..although we've rarely talked. I'm not sure if all these rules talked about even apply for a LDR. Any help or advice is appreciated!

[bose]

Come on people..any advice at all??

[bose]

Still waiting....

[curiocity]

I'd stick with NC.

[Thorshammer]

How did you react to her distance and stress? Did you try to fill the distance with being needy, wanting her more, when she was trying to create this gap of space in her life? If you did, then that came off as unattractive, and as a threat to her success, because stress+school= means a PROBLEM. And once someone becomes a problem, they arent that sexy man she longs for.

 

Basically, how was YOUR behavior?

[bose]

I was never needy or any of that to begin with. Even when she got distant, I too backed off a little and gave her space and she would come along not too long after. The only time I ever said anything was initially when I did notice her being a little different and that's when she brought up her career concerns to me. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help and she said that when we talk at night if I could get her mind off of everything going on and just have a good time. I did just that and she was really happy..we laughed and joked around every night. I really appreciate the help!

[Thorshammer]

Wait... this was 3 months (LDR)?

 

There might not have been enough comfort and familiarity for her to keep the relationship especially since shes starting this new phase in her life. I've had a 2 and 3 month relationship, and they were hot and passionate, but they were cut off randomly, one for a stupid reason the other because she was an idiot.

 

I dont know what your mental state is at (I know that i was hurting over some girls that only lasted 2 months), but i would keep contact. I wouldnt do NC thinking its going to do anything, its them getting used to returning to a life without you, losing that comfort and familiarity that built up over the years and them reaching out when they realized what they los (unless you KNOW she will feel this way, it doesnt matter what YOU feel or THINK. You wanted the relationship, she doesnt, so realize she might have a different state of mind that you arent aware of). I did go NC in my short relationships, and they did come back, but this wasnt because they missed me.

[winniethepooh]

Come on people..any advice at all??

Use paragraphs.

 

She wants to start a family before shes 30's and going to med school wouldn't allow that.

How did you fit into the plan of starting a family? After 3 months of LDR is it possible she had some fears about you long-term?

 

I assured her that whatever she decided I would support and we would make it work at any cost. Over Thanksgiving she was finally planning on telling her friends and family about us and our relationship but she changed her mind. She again blamed it on stress and mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was ready for a serious relationship.

So she talked about the future, you said you'd be supportive, and then she got cold feet? Sounds like something shifted in her when the conversation got serious, and she got frightened.

 

We talked after Thanksgiving and she decided it would be best to end things.

Who thought it was the best solution? You or her or both of you? And why?

 

I didn't wanna give her up that easy and told her that this relationship had been fun and exciting until recently and only because of the things going on. I assured her things would be fine and we would make things work and get through this, she wasn't getting in the way of my career and neither was I in her decision for a career.

Now it sounds like she wanted to end things.

 

She said being in a relationship was making it even more stressful for her right now and she just can't do it right now.

Why is/was the relationship stressing her?

 

She apologized and said its just bad timing and we both stopped talking.

Is something else going on with her? Or it sounds like she decided she doesn't see you as a potential partner long-term.

 

Guys I need your help, I really like this girl..her and we talked about our future together and I just can't imagine not having that and not having her in my life.

I don't mean to trivialize your pain now, or desire for her, or the seriousness of the relationship and your feelings, but after 3 months of an LDR, just how much of a connection with her did you have? I mean, how much time did you spend together, communicate about things other than the relationship?

 

She texted me a few days after she ended it and wished me happy birthday and said I wish we coulda remained friends.

Ok, now she's going into typical guilty dumper mode, wanting to use your friendship to avoid her own pain. Or maybe she's over you already and ready to try to be friends.

 

I texted her back and told her that after thinking about it I agree with the break up and I don't mind being friends.

Don't do things like that because you "don't mind." Do it because that's also what you want. But I think you shouldn't.

 

We haven't really talked ever since, she sent me an email mentioning that she's been watching our favorite show every night and shes addicted to it.

She's being friendly. That's what friends do.

 

I emailed back and told her I'd been busy with work and I've missed it, she relied briefly saying maybe I could catch up this weekend...

That sounds friendly too. But that's not what you want, so don't do it.

 

No emails or anything after that, I keep reading about NC so that's what I've tried to do.

And what is your motivation for doing NC?

 

Her birthday is coming up in a few days so I'll probably have to wish her then.

Why do you have to?

 

I'm wondering if I'm even doing the right thing, should I just completely get her out of my life and not even be friends..although we've rarely talked. I'm not sure if all these rules talked about even apply for a LDR. Any help or advice is appreciated!

If you want to get back together with her, there are no right things to do from her, only less or more wrong things. It sounds like she's disconnected from any desire to have a relationship with you, so you can't force or manipulate her to change that desire by her own free will. So all you're left with is to leave her alone to show that you are respecting her decision not to want a relationship with you, and move on as best you can from here. Without her. Trying to stay friends with that just interferes with that process. And also makes it more likely that she will enjoy and want just a friendship with you, and less likely that she might change her mind about wanting a relationship with you (but you shouldn't hope for that).

[Eocsor]

Sorry but I have to say this. Three freakin months in a Long Distance Relationship and you were planning a family and spending the rest of your lives together. Are you insane!!!!

 

After three months you barely know each other. Plus it was LDR. And if you can't even keep the fun alive in the relationship for the first three months of dating, you've got absolutely nothing.

 

She tried you on for size and you just weren't what she was after. Theres no love connection here. You need to let this go TOTALLY. She's not coming back.

[TomboyMS]

Lol @ Eocsor. He's right though.

[Angler]

3 month LDR. Shake it off bro.

[bose]

Damn..You guys all tore me a new one haha. I guess I needed that