I need marriage advice badly

[cindylouwho]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We dated for 1 year and 5 months before getting married, during which, he was so great to me. We used to go places together, spend actual time together, make love frequently and we were both so happy.

 

After we were married, things were good for the first 6 months, but it began to change. I noticed that my savings had dwindled down to literally nothing, he was spending all of his time alone, and he never ever wanted to leave the house, especially not with me.

 

Time went on and after about 1 year of being married, I discovered that he had a raging drug problem. We had no money, he was spending all of his earnings on drugs, mine went toward bills, I scraped up change wherever I could and was basically living on ramen noodles and left over food from work. I went into a very deep depression, and I invested all of my energy into work, school and tutoring people for money. I was too busy to focus on all of my marital problems.

 

Eventually, we both broke down and I gave him an ultimatum, quit the drugs, or lose me. He then went to an addictions doctor and was put on Suboxone, which he is still dependent on to this day. He is no longer doing anything illegal, but it is still a crutch.

 

During the past four years, my marriage has been up and down so many times. I have done so well in other aspects of my life, I graduated from college at the top of my class, more than doubled my income, we now have a beautiful house, I have lost 55 lbs and been working on my health. I feel great about myself, but my husband is still struggling. He is still on Suboxone, he has started smoking, let his weight get up to almost 400 lbs, he does not have any desire to leave the house, we have never taken a vacation together, he has killed his sperm count with the weight, meds and cigarettes (and I want a baby more than anything). He shows no sign of getting better, he just sits outside and does nothing all day. He finds ways of not spending time with me or anyone else. I feel like he suffers from depression, but counseling hasn't even helped. I love him, but I don't know what to do to fix this. I am still paying 110% of our bills. His money all goes towards cigs, energy drinks, fast food and all of the random junk that he buys.

 

I still love him, and I have waited so long to see if he will ever become the man that he used to be. The problem is, I no longer have that "in love" feeling toward him, he is like a different person. I have a strong desire to feel loved and have companionship, and I don't feel that anymore. When is enough, enough? Is it time for a divorce? How do you know when to just give up?

 

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[mindi]

Cindy,

 

You have already been very strong and patient to put up with everything that has gone on so far. You have been a good wife, giving him a chance to turn himself around even though it has been very painful for you so far. You deserve to have a connection with someone and to feel loved.

 

If you already have a tough and rocky marriage, do not have a baby. Babies are incredibly stressful and can push even a healthy marriage right over the edge. You will end up doing all of the work, and babies can be really hard to take care of day in and out, especially with a husband who is already closed himself off from the world (and from you). A baby is not likely to bring him back, which I think you already know. You want a baby with your husband, but the husband that is actually there.

 

If your husband is not getting better, maybe he should see another doctor, or maybe (although he is on suboxone) he should go to rehab to get counseling there. Taking another drug to fill the void is not enough, he needs to find a way to deal with his problems without chemicals. If he is not willing to do that, and you are so incredibly unhappy, maybe a divorce is the way to go.

[Fudgie]

Don't have a child with this man. A relationship with an untreated drug addict always fails. It's time to leave this guy.

 

I would talk to a lawyer about his drug problem. Make sure you get the house in a divorce. He's the one who ruined the marriage from the start, not you, so you should get the most in the divorce.

 

This guy is not marriage material and you aren't going to be happy with him. Time to leave.

[Ms Darcy]

At the very least, I would consider separation and counselling. Time and space as well as commuication can help. When you see each other, it should be for dates or for therapy.

[bulletproof]

I love him, but I don't know what to do to fix this. I am still paying 110% of our bills. His money all goes towards cigs, energy drinks, fast food and all of the random junk that he buys.

 

 

By continuing to allow this you are enabling him. He still has a problem, regardless of whether he kicked the illegal drug problem.

 

I would ask him to leave. I realize this seems harsh but what good are you doing for him now by paying for all his crutches and remaining in a shell of your former marriage?

[chillywilly]

Cindy, I have been married for 11 years. I am in so deep that it would tear my children apart if I left. My wife is addicted to a game called Mafia wars, or at least that is how it started, now she is having video sex with a man from another country. It sickens me to stay. I have reached out to her for the last 2 years to no avail. I don't know how to leave now as my boys will be torn apart by it. Get out while you can with as little damage as possible.