Broke NC, then made a list, then exposed illusions!

[Brandell]

Something interesting happened to me over the past few days which seems to have given me complete closure over the break up with my ex. I say SEEMS because I know I have only been feeling like this a couple of days but something has DEFINITELY changed.

 

I sent a text to my ex. after four full months of no contact. (story is below under heading "what a fool I am!"). I received no reply to the text. At first it jolted me back to square one but then a day or so later something changed in me

 

Funny enough me sending that final text and getting no reply was the best thing I could have done to get closure on this thing! Reason is that when we split there was lots of mixed signals and it was not calmly ended but in jolted stages. So when I instigated no contact with her for four full months I ended up building this person up in my mind into some kind of Goddess or perfect being.

 

I was convincing myself I would NEVER love anyone as good again and that I had lost the love of my life BUT when I sent that text it was like all of those illusions in my head came crashing down. I then sat down and wrote a list of all the BAD things about being with her and when I read them it was a revelation! THIS was the person I wanted to be with so bad? THIS was the person I thought I cannot live without? Oh my God!

 

There were so many things that I had blanked out in my mind during the No Contact. I had forgotten how badly I had been treated and how erratic was her behaviour towards me.

The No Contact WAS helping me heal.... BUT... somehow the lack of contact was also building the relationship up into my mind into something it was not. Not seeing her was helping me on a day to day basis but I must have been clinging onto irrational hopes of a reconciliation and deluding myself into thinking one day it WOULD work out... but I never stopped to ask myself if it SHOULD.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I am not chaning my mind about No Contact. It is a very good method for moving on but FOR ME I was obviously still clinging onto an illusion during the four months and not facing the fact that it was OVER.

 

It was only when I sent the text asking to meet and talk and recieived no reply, and it was only after I sat down and HONESTLY looked at the relationship and made a list of all the things that were dysfunctional about the relationship that the veil started to lift from my eyes.

 

Now I know that it has only been a few days and I am not out of the woods yet but something has definitely changed.

 

Anybody relate? What is happening to me?

[Disillusioned Guy]

I have to say I like your idea of listing the bad things about the person and reading them. I never thought of doing that.

 

I'm only 3 weeks into my split (I can post the whole sad episode if anyone is interested - it actually reads like a bad soap opera) so I'm still spending a lot of time sitting at home thinking of her which I know I shouldn't do.

 

If you can feel the change within you then I applaude your new strength. I will take some hope from your situation that I to can get through what has been the worse time of my life.

[Brandell]

Yes! Make a list and refer to it in moments of weakness. It will give you strength and perspective. At least it has for me.

[if only]

The same thing happened to me I started NC after a week of breaking up we were together for 5 years, I gave it three weeks and thought by now if he is going to have realised it wasn't what he wanted then he would have done by now. I sent him a picture of us at a very happy time with on the back 'things could be the same'....

 

I had no response, I was thinking the worse would happen and he would tell me to leave him alone but he didn't even reply, which in a way was better for me as I didn't get rejection but just knew his choice was final. From this point I excepted it was over and for the last three months I have been learning about me and I can now honestly say I am over him.

 

I agree in those three weeks I was clinging to a reconciliation and NC did kind of make me feel the relationship was great. But it also helped me to move on and feel stronger. At the beginning if he hadn't responded to my photo I probably would have attempted to call him go round etc and like you said get back to square one, this way I kept my dignity. I swear by NC.

 

I think it just takes different times to realise it is truly over, I was lucky my attempt was within the first month so for the past 3 I have been bettering myself, You have only just got to the point I was at but I promise you one thing it only gets better I am so much happier now in myself than I ever was. You will have your good and bad days but one day you will look back and be a stronger person for it

 

After all we can only learn from our experiences

 

Good luck & chin up

[Disillusioned Guy]

It's early days for me yet but the comments I'm reading here tell me in no uncertain terms that I'm not alone with the feelings that I'm having.

 

I went out for a drink with my cousin and had a great time. I drank, danced and chatted to girls (even got a phone number which I've been to shy to call) - it was great, but old habits die hard. I found myself thinking that I shouldn't be flirting like this (I was with my partner for 11 years) and actually felt quite depressed about the whole episode the next day.

 

My feelings just bounce around all over the place at the moment.

[if only]

Its only natural to have feelings of guilt the first time you go out and flirt with new girls, it feels like you are cheating on them but you are not and like you said it is only early days yet! Those feelings will go.

 

Dont rush into new relationships there are plenty more fish in the sea as they say. Use the time to find out who you are again. Dating will come natuarally when you feel the time is right I have only just got to that place again 4 months down the line.

 

It will be tough but you will get there

[Disillusioned Guy]

The problem with the saying 'there are plenty more fish in the sea' is that I don't want to go out with a fish.

 

I have gone through the whole range of feelings following this horrible time - Depressed, moody, suicidal, tearful etc etc. People at my workplace tend to keep out of my way as apparently I look like I could murder anyone who speaks to me. I was quite shocked when I was told that.

 

 

 

I'm currently in the very early stages of sorting out the divorce (she won't help) - there is still so much pain and heartache to suffer yet. My work has suffered for it which makes me feel very guilty and useless.

[otrebla]

Hello everyone.

My ex gf dumped me for another guy, saying it's over for me.

I stalk her and she says to giver a month.

We see eachother after 40 days, she refuses to tell me if I have any hope.

We see eachother again and treats me like garbage.

We see eachother and she tells me it's really over and she'll never come back, in my face.

For me it's over, it's been 9 days of no contact, I was planning to call her on christmas, but now I think I won't.

I'm moving on really fast and I realize she is not perfect and has dumped boys, friends, jobs, school, along her life.

Maybe I'm lucky for not being married to such an immature person.

I erased all her emails and today I'm going to burn her letters, then her photos and give away her presents.

I just want to forget about her.

Happy moving!!

 

[wikcrs]

I can totally relate to the original post here.

I had a weird sort of relation towards a girl for a good while. In short it was the regular school-attraction. I grew to like her more and more, and we became closer nearing summer.

She went away for the holidays (a full month), and when she got back she had changed her mind. Even though we hadnt even dated before she left, I knew I started feeling stronger about her, and the whole time she was away I thought about her, which only made me feel stronger for her.

 

Then to have her come back and "end" what we had / I thought we had, really broke me apart. Background; link removed . Anyways, this ended like 4 weeks ago at her birthday party, which is explained in the link. Ever since I've felt just like you. When I finally got a real grip of myself, I iniciated sort of a NC which worked wonders, for a while.

Only problem was we are in the same class, and me seeing her every day doesn't help. So after about a week of no talking to her, she contacted me, and we agreed to try and keep it casual, since what happened really wasn't that big of a deal.

I then found myself thinking of us, how I could get her to change her mind, how it would work out, how I could become closer to her etc. Only problem with thinking up all the bad sides of this girl, is that I honestly can't bring myself to do it.

Any ideas on how to really get over a girl, and move on?