Some advice really needed...

[volvic1]

Hi all, Id really appreciate some help please. Going out with my BF over a year now, semi long distance - 3 hours apart, lived in the same town for the first 7 months of the relationship. Its tough not particularly knowing all the people he knows down there and visa versa..

 

As a side note: dealing with serious past relationship trusts issues that im really really trying to control, so please be a bit gentle.

 

My issue: My BF works in a bar part time, just a small quiet bar. This girl also works there, as far as I know they were never that friendly before this (they just became friends on facebook recently), they have became quite friendly, (no texting i dont think, i never checked nor asked as its not my business) but friendly at work.

 

I have met the girl recently, she was working a night we were in the bar for a party and she was really nice to me. They seemed very friendly with eachother, not in an overly flirty way or anything, but like little jokes between them and nicknames, she also came up to us at one point and said oh your boyfriend gives the best hugs, he gives me them when I need them... I was perfectly fine with this, agreed and said for him to give her one.

 

For some reason I was just uncomfortable with this, I didnt say anything because a good part of me knows there's nothing going on and i shouldn't feel uncomfortable with them. Just then one night he said he was just down in the bar having a few minerals, to pass the time!! and then said that she was there and said I was nice..this grated on me, even though I know it shouldn't, I was probably just jealous because id like to be spending time with him. I was trying to just forget about it, but now ive seen pictures on facebook of him on a night out, ( now he was super sweet to me this night and rang me a couple of times from the nightclub) but she was around him in most of the pictures.

 

I really dont think theres anything going on with them, but part of me feels like this is how it all starts, like you get close to someone and then it develops into something else, or what if she is into him and he just doesn't realize.. Im just uncomfortable that he has got this friendly with someone he just met...

 

Im just about to tell him that im uncomfortable with it....good idea, bad idea?? help with how to explain it?

[indea08]

I was in this situation...only i was the one who'd made the new friend...I left my boyfriend for the new friend. In today's society, it's pretty unlikely for men and women to be friends without sexual temptations. I'd say something.

[DylanNotorious]

she also came up to us at one point and said oh your boyfriend gives the best hugs, he gives me them when I need them... I was perfectly fine with this, agreed and said for him to give her one.

 

She knew that would push your buttons. Why on earth would she say this for??? Other than to get your back up. I'd say she's keen on him.

[volvic1]

Yeah see im more thinking its her into him than him into her, I do trust that he wont do anything, but id rather he wouldn't naively be getting this close with someone! I just needed some reassurance that its within my rights to say it to him, like obviously not say he cant be friends with her, but to back off with the closeness.

[indea08]

or you could just tell him how it makes you feel and let him distancing her be HIS decision? hopefully he loves you enough to do that for you on his own.

[DylanNotorious]

As a girlfriend you have every right to express your concerns and what you expect. There's nothing wrong with that. If he can't keep her as a work-mate only and stop the outings with her, then you should say something.

[volvic1]

Yeah actually that's a better idea. He's genuinely a nice guy so I think (hope) he will. If i have to force something it wont work anyway

[volvic1]

As a girlfriend you have every right to express your concerns and what you expect. There's nothing wrong with that. If he can't keep her as a work-mate only and stop the outings with her, then you should say something.

 

Thanks for the advice!! Im going to say it to him, he's a very good guy and never thinks badly about anyone, so I know he wont have thought too far into what she feels, I just feel like things like this could go the wrong way..im makes me anxious!

[Lithp]

I think you are well within your rights to say something, and I agree that she was crossing a line when she said the comment about your boyfriend's hugs - she's probably aware that you guys don't see each other as often as she sees him, and reading that felt like a 'jab' to me. I don't see any other reason for her to say that other than to try and make you uncomfortable. Talking you up to him by saying how nice you were is probably a strategy to make you look like the bad guy if you were to say anything about her making you feel off.

 

I would tell him that while she seemed nice enough, and you're glad he has friends where he is, it makes you uncomfortable that he sees her outside of work as well. There is nothing unreasonable about that, especially considering you guys are in a long distance relationship. There need to be clear boundaries that are stuck to, and both need to be absolutely committed to them.

[DN]

I think if you say something you will look insecure when in fact they have done nothing in secret that you know of and are open about the extent of their relationship.

 

More importantly you will be sending him this message: "I don't trust you not to cheat on me with this girl. My opinion of you is that you don't have the strength of character to keep her only as a friend, that you will yield to any temptation and that not only are you likely to cheat but you will lie about it".

 

Are you sure you really want to go down that road?

[volvic1]

Hey guys, thanks so much for all your help! Had the talk with him!! He understands, it went really well!! He agreed with me that it seemed a bit extreme and how it obviously with the distance could be inappropriate. He agreed that with that comment, he has noticed she can be a bit * * * * * y sometimes.

 

All seems ok and he says he understands where im coming from, I stressed that I have no issue with him being friends with anyone, just getting particularly close with one individual. I feel better for talking about it and he's happy I opened up to him. So hopefully all will be good in the camp Thanks sooo much to everyone for the advice xxx

[katmarie]

I think you have to say something. Right now, you're just being passive aggressive about it, and it's eating you up inside. If you don't address it in a rational heart-to-heart conversation, the problem will not go away; it will just manifest itself at a later date with you getting mad at him for something little because it's the one little thing that set you over the top.

 

There are two things I would try.

 

First, whenever you see her next, make a joke out of it. "Yeah, I love my boyfriend's hugs too. I like to do this running leaping hug, that looks like this, or my butt grab hug that looks like that, but I'm the only one that's allowed to do that. Other girls... well, they can do this kind of hug, but the others are just for me and him." And you'll giggle. And she'll giggle. And you'll be like "No, really." It's joking, but it's serious too, and she knows that the boundary has been set. If she violates the boundary, well, she's now aware that she's violating it.

 

Second, whenever you see him, you need to have a heart to heart about it. Nothing too intense. But you need to point out that you've noticed it and that it breaks your heart to see it. You trust him and you know he'd never cheat, but you just have some sensitivities to it because of your own insecurities and past relationship issues. If he would just do X (whether X is reassuring you, not spending time with her outside of work, or stopping the hugging, or whatever), he would be your knight in shining armor. Because, truly, it's your insecurities and viewing the situation through that lens that is making it problematic; there are girls out there who wouldn't care if a girl hugged their boyfriend.