anonymous1984 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 So here's my story. My ex-girlfriend of 5,5 years dumped me about six months ago. Immediately after the break-up, I did the begging and pleading, which obviously didn't work. Then I went no contact for about three weeks, but it's clear that we both needed eachoter. Since then we've been dating at least once a week. At this moment she is in the process of moving out of her parents house and in to her own appartment. I offered to help and she accepts gladly. Last weekend we went to Ikea together to choose her furniture, and she follows my advice on her furniture. The whole day we spent there, I was constantly cuddling her and she accepts this, she only pulls away slightly when I try to kiss. She wants that I want to get back together. Also this weekend, she took me to visit her grandparents together with her. Do you think it is a good sign that she is kind of reintroducing me into her family? Link to comment
jbug Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 thanks for sharing 1984. i have a few questions. 1. how long did you do the begging? 2. how did she react to it? was it pitty? was she turned off? Link to comment
lemonhaze Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Yes it's a good sign, but that you've been dating once a week now for more than 5 months and you're still not any closer is a bad sign imo. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Well, its better than nothing. Pushing away while you try to kiss is a sign that should be taken seriously though. Examine the reason why she left you. Ex's do do odd behavior. They can come out of nowhere and just leave, until there is official commitment, then i wouldnt get all my hopes up, even though everything else does look promising. Link to comment
anonymous1984 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 jbug: The begging went on for about two weeks. She said that she needed time to think about it. Break up was caused because i failed to commit to her. Lemonhaze: we have been dating for about two months now. She says she doesn't know what to do. Link to comment
Tomuch2hope Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 jbug: The begging went on for about two weeks. She said that she needed time to think about it. Break up was caused because i failed to commit to her. Welcome to the club buddy! Seems there are a lot of us guilty of that one! Link to comment
loulou37 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 yea i'm with Thor, the pulling away while you try to kiss her doesn't sound good :S especially as 2 months have passed... loulou x Link to comment
Raaawr Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 How do you mean you failed to commit to her? The pushing away from a kiss is something that is worrying, there is a reason in that. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 It woukd be helpful to know how old you and your girlfriend are in order to answer your question. When you say commit, do you mean as in marriage?....chi Link to comment
anonymous1984 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Well, after college we both went back to live at our parents house, swichting places every few days. She wanted to get a home together and to get married. Because of circumstances (my dad died, I felt responsible for my mom and sister) I didn't want to leave my home completely. This continued for three years and she got tired of waiting. Right now, I'm 27 and she's 26. There are a lot of kisses, on the cheek, in her neck, but not a 'real kiss' until now. But last weekend, she spent the whole day in my arms at Ikea. Afterwards we had dinner at her mom's place, and spent a couple of hours in the sofa watching television. I had my head on her lap. That day, we both forgot that we aren't a couple anymore, she even agreed. But I still believe taking me to her grandparents is a very big sign, because she knows that her grandparents (who are very important to her) really want us to get back together. Her grandmother still calls me every week. Link to comment
anonymous1984 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Further, until two weeks ago, if I would mention us getting back together, she would pull away for a couple of days. Now she smiles and calls me two or three times a day Link to comment
Raaawr Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 I see. Well the best thing I can suggest is continue to take it slow. Build things back up slowly. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 OP, her biological clock is ticking. It sounds like she wants marriage. Are you ready to step up to the plate?..... Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 but it's clear that we both needed eachoter. You don't need each other. You want each other, that's different. At this moment she is in the process of moving out of her parents house and in to her own appartment. I offered to help and she accepts gladly. Nice of you. And how is she being nice to you? Last weekend we went to Ikea together to choose her furniture, and she follows my advice on her furniture. Also nice of you. The whole day we spent there, I was constantly cuddling her and she accepts this, she only pulls away slightly when I try to kiss. Did you forget to brush your teeth? Otherwise that's a bit of a red flag to me. She wants that I want to get back together. Does she want to get back together? Also this weekend, she took me to visit her grandparents together with her. Do you think it is a good sign that she is kind of reintroducing me into her family? Maybe, maybe not, maybe it means nothing. There's not much information to go on. But is it possible she's just using your niceness to help her get set up before she pulls the plug on you? This once a week dating for several months comes accross as though one of you is keeping the other at arm's length. Who left who originally, and how did you reconnect? Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Ah, I didn't see your follow up post... She wanted to get a home together and to get married. Because of circumstances (my dad died, I felt responsible for my mom and sister) I didn't want to leave my home completely. This continued for three years and she got tired of waiting. Why didn't you want to get married? The thing about not wanting to leave home sounds like a logistical issue, not a reason. And how do you feel now about getting married to her? There are a lot of kisses, on the cheek, in her neck, but not a 'real kiss' until now. But last weekend, she spent the whole day in my arms at Ikea. Afterwards we had dinner at her mom's place, and spent a couple of hours in the sofa watching television. I had my head on her lap. That day, we both forgot that we aren't a couple anymore, she even agreed. Hmmmm. I don't really know what to think about this. There seems to be a lack of intimacy. But I still believe taking me to her grandparents is a very big sign, because she knows that her grandparents (who are very important to her) really want us to get back together. Her grandmother still calls me every week. Ah, ok. Well maybe that is more important than I thought. Maybe she is getting second opinions from her grandparents. How do you get on with her grandmother? I find it interesting that she calls you on a regular basis. Maybe it's time to have a bit of a chat to her (I mean your ex or non-ex or whatever, not her grandmother) to see where she thinks things are going, where she wants them to go. Link to comment
anonymous1984 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 Who left who originally, and how did you reconnect? She left me, but immediately she was in doubt and asked me to give her time and space. Turning point came when I stopped asking if she already made a decision. She used to say: I waited 3 years for you to take it to the next step, and now you can't even give me a couple of weeks. So, half on the advice of my therapist, I told her: you know what, you're right, just take your time. Since then she came back to me herself and told me: "It won't take that long anymore" Link to comment
RyanJ Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 As with most issues like this, people on a forum are not the ones you should be talking to. Ask her what's up; call her on her behaviour. Tell her you're getting mixed signals and you want to know what's going on. It could be she doesn't want to get burned so she's holding back from you, it could be she's seeing someone else, it could be she had pizza that morning. Without open communication there's no way to know for sure, and with how long you guys were together I doubt she would react badly to you having a conversation about the two of you. Like other people have been asking - have you changed your mind about committing to her? Or do you only want to commit now because she withdrew from you? Link to comment
toby17 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 She might not be doing it intentionally but she's stringing you along. She's pulls away when you kiss? That tells me you're not even having sex. After 5 months of dating? You might think you're dating but you're not. You're more like her personal Teddy bear and feel good society. You need to back off and stop pandering to her. Who initiates these once a week dates? You? Link to comment
anonymous1984 Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 The initiative for the dates comes from both sides. It's only actually 2 months that we're really seeing a lot of eachother again. I talked to her about getting back together. She told me: "You know may not push me, how difficult it may be for you, I love you a lot, that's normal after five years, but you know something changed for me, I know it's not easy to wait, but believe me I really need to be on my own for a while, Living on my own is already a big step, and i'm already a little calmer, It's chaos in my head, I'm not trying to tease or test you" She asks for space and time, but she contacts me everyday... She hugs me when she sees me... I believe I should sit this out and that everything will be allright in a couple of months... Link to comment
toby17 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Anon1984, She doesn't intend to get back together with you. There is something standing in the way and she's just not telling you what it is. You could spend a long time trying to find that missing thing that's going to make her comeback to you - it's not going to happen because you've lost your power - she's pulling all the strings and you'renot an equal and it's not attractive. You have been friend-zoned plain and simple. It might be dressed up with some cuddling but she's using you. You need to move on. Picture it: you're the jockey, she's the race horse. You use to be in control, you used to ride this horse (ok, no comments!). Now you'rechasing behind the horse hoping to get a ride, hoping to remind her how you use to be as a team. Every once in a while she let's you stroke her mane (again, no comments!) Picture yourself running after the horse. It's pathetic. Do you wonder why the horse doesn't respect you? Stop trying to get close to her. Go find another horse. And let this horse (whose flirting with other jockeys) go. Link to comment
VioletEyes Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 It is quite possible that reintroducing you to the family is a way for her to test the waters, but if she's feeling reluctant towards you, I'd say don't jump into this with both feet yet. Give it some time, let her see how she's feeling. But if this continues on too long, you'll need to say something to her. Don't let her string you along if she has no intention to get back together with you. However for now, just test the waters, but do as she does. Don't think that there is a 100% chance it will work out. Link to comment
LastMan Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 She's already having sex or going to be having sex with someone else. In the meantime, she is soaking up all the validation that you are serving to her on a silver platter. This girl dumped you. She doesn't want you. Every moment you spend with her is another blow to your self-respect and value as a man. You helped her pick out furniture for her new apartment that she's going to be boning her new boyfriend in? C'mon dude. No more contact with her. Become a ghost. Drop out of her existence entirely. If she calls you, don't pick up. Ignore all her attempts to contact you. You are nothing more than a toy to her. Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 You know may not push me, how difficult it may be for you, I love you a lot, that's normal after five years, but you know something changed for me, I know it's not easy to wait, but believe me I really need to be on my own for a while, If she's saying this, back off. Now. A long way. Say to her you understand her need for space, and her desire not to be pushed, and you will respect that by leaving her alone completely. Then you do exactly that. Don't respond to any communication from her unless there is a significant change and she is clear about taking a relationship more seriously (I don't think she will though). You could add that it's not what you want but it takes two people to work at a relationship, especially after a break-up, and that's clearly not what she wants to do at the moment. But that bit is for yourself so that you don't have second thoughts about whether or not you were being clear. I'm not trying to tease or test you She said this? Ugh. That's exactly what she's doing. Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 She left me, but immediately she was in doubt and asked me to give her time and space. Turning point came when I stopped asking if she already made a decision. She used to say: I waited 3 years for you to take it to the next step, and now you can't even give me a couple of weeks. Ok, I missed this bit. But I still think you need to back off. It's been a few months not a couple of weeks as far as I understand. You've made it clear you want to work on having a relationship with her. She hasn't. That's the only decision she has to make, and it's a simple one. She doesn't have to marry you right now. She doesn't have to live with you. All she has to do is decide that she is willing to make an effort to have a relationship with you. So far she's not, she's playing you. So, half on the advice of my therapist, I told her: you know what, you're right, just take your time. And your therapist is helping you let her. Since then she came back to me herself and told me: "It won't take that long anymore" I still think she's playing you. Link to comment
LastMan Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I still think she's playing you. Yes, he is being played like a fiddle. OP, you are oblivious right now. Your infatuation with this girl is blinding you from the truth. This girl does not feel the same way about you any longer. She is not waiting for you to "up your commitment". That is just bait to keep you hanging around like a chump and giving her a perpetual ego boost. You need to wake up and remove yourself from this girl. If you don't do it soon, you are going to cause serious damage to yourself. Link to comment
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