has anyone experieced the disappearing act in this way?

[megs1000]

Hi I posted here a few weeks back, and the replies people took the time to write helped me massively. However I'm still a little raw and confused by it all. I'm moving on and looking forward to the future, but I think it would help me make some sense of it if I heard other stories of similar behaviour and how people dealt with it.

 

Has anyone else experienced a guy who pursued you for ages, promised the world, spent nearly every minute with you, called each day, emails and sweet texts, had a loving relationship, hung out with his friends, went with him to work functions - in my case for a period of 2 years... and then suddenly, without a word, he stopped contact. Disappeared. A few lame texts saying his head was a mess and a few pointless comments, then nothing... no explanation or apology. Just vanished, yet through facebook and mutual friends you can see he's happily getting on with his life with his friends without a care in the world.

 

Admitedly, in my case, he had done this on various occasions in the relationship, and I would call and text with no response, be distraught, cry on my friends, go crazy with confusion and frustration, then eventually send an email telling him it was unacceptable and that I was moving on. A few weeks later he always came back with an apology, sometimes flowers and tears, telling me he wanted nothing more than for us to be together. As I never wanted him to leave in the first place I always took him back. We would then be back on track for months.

 

Anyway, now, as I should have expected, he's done it again. But this time I have made plans to go overseas to work for 6 months to a year. Therefore, once my plans were in place I was planning to say a heartfelt farewell to him, and leave on good terms. However before I got that chance, he has vanished, with no goodbye, no explanation, no closure. He's just stopped contact with me, yet once again I see through facebook he's happily getting on with his life, with mates who know me, he's even commenting on pictures that were taken on nights where the 2 of us were together merely a few weeks ago. Yet no contact with me.

 

As he's done it before, I didn't feel I wanted to send the same email yet again, so I did nothing. I didn't call or text him. When he didn't respond to my last text (which was a response to a question he asked me, and I asked him why he asked it - no response) I just left it, and have tried to move on.

 

I am moving on, and am still going away, but I still feel a big urge every now and then to send something, as I just find it incredibly hard to walk away from someone who has been such a huge part of my life for the last 2 years, without a single word. I never wanted it that way. I would always have said goodbye. I know I should be extremely angry and bitter for the way he's treated me, and I am, but I see no point in anger now that I'm leaving the coutry. I would just like to leave things on good terms as I find it easier that way to move forward. We never argued, we were totally cool the last time we were together - he even said I had his full love and support with my decision to move away for a while. So there is no reason for anger and bitterness, and least of all a disappearing act. The fact that he's walked away and seemingly erased me from his memory has left me so confused and frusrated.

 

As I wrote in my last post I have wanted to say something, but have not known what, without looking needy... then I found out some things about him that shocked and disgusted me, so that made me want to just leave it and walk away.... but ignoring that for the moment, I just wanted to know if anyone has experienced anything similar - where a boyfriend just vanishes, after a long relationship, and never contacts you again.

 

Really interested to know, and to hear whether you just accepted it and walked away, or how you dealt with it otherwise.

 

Thanks so much.

[appdev89]

It is quite disrespectful for him to do that. When he brings you flowers after these long periods of absences, does he have non-lame explanations for his disappearing act? If not, you should leave. Why torture yourself?

[offplanet]

I would be very tempted to do the disappearing act on him and leave the country without a word. That would 'restore the balance' for me. Maybe that's not adult of me, but it would help me feel better about all the times he had disappeared on me, ie. if that had happened to me. I know we're not meant to 'pay back', but still, it would feel better than 'a nice goodbye'.

[megs1000]

Thanks for replying. In the past his only excuse has been that his head is a mess/he was going through a tough time/having some sort of breakdown (a little melodramatic as I could see he was just having fun with his mates)/thought it better to 'leave me be' - * * * ?! None of them made the slightest bit of sense. Totally disrepectful.

 

This time there has been no excuse. Nothing. It's been a month now since our last contact, and the urge is still there to say something, along the lines of what I wrote above - that it's just unnecssary to pull a disappearing act, as I merely wanted to leave things on good terms and some sort of farewell, as I wanted. But I just don't know whether to or not. But without it i just feel i'm accepting the behaviour and feel like a doormatt!! It;s just so bizarre and unnecessary! I could understand it if I was trying to pin him into a relationship he didn't want to be in but I'm going away!! Did I literally mean nothing to him?

 

But it seems so extreme it would be really helpful to hear if anyone has gone through anything similar.

[appdev89]

Its kinda interesting to admit that one of my friends did this to his gf's once. He did this because even though he had tried talking about breaking up with her, he couldn't. She just cried a lot and he couldn't hurt her like that.

 

Although, I didn't approve of his actions very much, I can understand where he came from. It was more due to his inability to cut it clean. Your bf is nothing like that. He's pure evil in my opinion. You should counter-disappear and forget about him. That's the ideal solution. * * * for tat I guess.

[appdev89]

I cant believe t-i t is banned haha. O well..

[megs1000]

I would be very tempted to do the disappearing act on him and leave the country without a word. That would 'restore the balance' for me. Maybe that's not adult of me, but it would help me feel better about all the times he had disappeared on me, ie. if that had happened to me. I know we're not meant to 'pay back', but still, it would feel better than 'a nice goodbye'.

 

I see what you mean, but as he was the one to ignore my last message I feel that going away without saying anything just accepts it, which leaves me with an uneasy feeling, as it's such awful behaviour and totally unneccessary - and it kinda leaves him with all the power. Therefore by sending something I say my peace, but then am in a position to ignore his response (if I were to get one - v unlikely). But then I flip and think maybe not saying anything is more powerful as he's probably expecting me to ask him why he's doing it, or something. Or maybe he just doesn't care at all. But we were so happy and cool - he can't have just erased me from his memory can he? Does he have no feelings whatsoever about the fact I'm going away? I simply don't understand.

[megs1000]

Its kinda interesting to admit that one of my friends did this to his gf's once. He did this because even though he had tried talking about breaking up with her, he couldn't. She just cried a lot and he couldn't hurt her like that.

 

Although, I didn't approve of his actions very much, I can understand where he came from. It was more due to his inability to cut it clean. Your bf is nothing like that. He's pure evil in my opinion. You should counter-disappear and forget about him. That's the ideal solution. * * * for tat I guess.

 

Thanks! It would be nice to think that was his reason, but I agree I think there is just something wrong with him and he IS pure evil. There's no making sense of it. Yes counter disappearing is prob all I can do, but as I wrote in my reply to Offplanet, it doesn;t quite have the same effect when it's left with him ignoring me and me saying nothing. In a way I'd rather say something and THEN disappear...

[appdev89]

It has the same effect. Besides it leaves you with more dignity. You needing closure is kinda not that great. When he wants to come back to you, he doesn't find you. If he likes you, then he'll learn his lesson. If he doesn't, which is most likely the case, then well at least you spared yourself this long term pain.

 

I mean why would you want to say something and leave. Is it really worth the trouble?

[Tom1990]

He certainly has his own issues to deal with, and dating you may have been one way of working them out. Either way, I think you're doing a great thing by starting a new life for yourself, going overseas like that for such an extended period. Lose yourself in your work, and let things fall where they may!

[offplanet]

I prefer the idea of him one day coming back, and you not being there. That would give you the power. You wouldn't be there to see it, but you could feel good knowing it. He doesn't deserve any nice letter. He deserves a little payback. Even if he never came back and found you gone, he still wouldn't have heard a word from you. He honestly doesn't deserve any nice reasonable treatment after the demeaning way he's treated you, disappearing without explanation as if you were nothing and nobody. What an idiot. What a nerve ever coming back and acting like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. I'm glad you're going out of the country. Well done. I hope he comes back and finds you gone with no explanation. Stupid idiot (him!)

[mhowe]

Your complete silence will say more than touching base w/ him. For whatever reasons, he is an a$$. Probably not handling your leaving for a while as well as he could...but it doesn't matter. It's already been a month....with no word from him. Do not dignify his behavior w/ a reaction this time. Go ---have a great time --- and leave him in your past.

[harvej]

Meg, he has obviously Borderline Personality Disorder which being a sociopath is at its core... with him. He is incapable of empathy and no matter what you say, he will not listen, nor will it even register with him that he was wrong. You MUST, walk without a word to him or he will have a spell on you each time he decides to reach out to you. You dont need to take that baggage with you as this 6 month assignment is the perfect break. Trust me, I told my now ex pf 5 years, that I had cancer and she left me the next day for another man,and I am not about to try to find closure with this woman because she was clinically diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and has BPD several years ago. Nothing she says or I could say gets to these types of people,so its a waste of time. In addition, he will see this 6 month break as an ez time to chase other women, say YOU abandoned HIM, and play the victim card with other women, while texting you that he has changed and loves you. A BPD'r can ruin your life very easily. In addition, you are addicted to him. Facebook is part of that drug as its another way of keeping the addiction present. De friend him, and stay OFF his FB page at all cost. Send his text to trash and block his calls. In six months you will be so proud of yourself that this experience can NEVER be repeated by any man. You are investing in YOU this time and you may NEVER be able to get this opportrunity again to create internal dignity and power. He used you, now use him for the betterment or yourself. At leats YOU will get something out of this. Again, BPD'rs have no remorse,lack empathy and any written letter to him will not register with him and he will respond with more bs and draw you back into a diologue of deceit. Even if you wanted revenge, going NC is the best revenge on this type of loser.

[megs1000]

Thanks so much. I really need a kick to push me into thinking the best thing is to just do nothing. The urges and frustration over the whole thing just sometimes get too much.

 

Offplanet you're right - I would love him to come back and I will happily ignore him. That;s what I long for to get my power back. And I worry that by not contacting him I will subconsciously be waiting to see if he will come back. It's almost by saying something I'm putting an end to that for my own sake. But I guess I would just keep on wondering if I sent something and got no reply.

 

And thanks mhowe - you're right too. It actually makes me feel quite sick that I'm considering reaching out to this guy after the disgusting way he's treated me. I've always reacted in the past - who wouldn't! - so it's against my nature, but I think giving him the satisfaction of me contacting him will do just that - give him satisfaction, which he doesn't deserve.

 

And Harvej thank you so much for the long reply. Firstly I'm so sorry to hear about your illness - I hope you're staying strong and I wish you all the best good wishes for what you're going through. I've read some of your posts. You are absolutely right about this guy. I haven't explained all the things he's done in the past on my threads (mainly because I'm still in disbelief and I'd probably get batted down on here for wasting so much time and energy on this guy) but in the past I've searched online and he absolutely fits the description of sociopath - at least to some extent. He's definitely a commitment phobe, but I think it goes further than that. When he;s with me he is so amazing, empathetic, sweet, etc... but then it goes. Vanishes, with the flick of a switch. He has no empathy, or remorse, and makes it seem that everything he did while with me was just an act, which obviously it was!

 

One story which actually doesn't involve me, but relates to your story is that a good friend of his from his sports club was diagnosed with breast cancer (this was during one of his disappearing episodes with me). He immediately set up a group on facebook for her, to support her, wanted to nominate her as olympic torch-bearer for her bravery - was a real boost to her immediately after her diagnosis, and everyone was so touched by what a great friend he was being to her. However as soon as she started chemo (once he looked to all who knew him as a HERO) he vanished from her life - stopped responding to her messages, didn't even send in the form to nominate her as torch-bearer (her friend took over and did it instead). She messaged him a few times with no response. I think now they are back in touch - he probably gave her some bs excuse about not being able to deal with her illness, or something like that, and I know she has a soft spot for him so she probably bought it. But it's sickening - its as though he just wants everyone to think he's the most amazing guy, and then when it comes to the crunch he hasn't got what it takes to run the course, so he bails, with no thought to anyone else's feelings, but making sure he comes out as the good guy!!! As you say - with me he will say (if he ever comes back) that I've abandoned him - I chose to go away and so he thought he'd 'leave me be' or my he couldn't deal with saying goodbye, or something along those lines.

 

He's pathetic and I just hope one day he gets some kind of karma. He has mentioned briefly in the past that he might see a therapist (he claims he's been so hurt in the past that he has lingering issues from that) - but I think if he did, and he really explained the full extent of what he does to people they'd definitely say he's either bipolar or has BDO or something similar.

 

And thanks for being so positive about my move away - it's so scary but exciting - I just wish I had the support or those who I thought were close to me. I know I don't need his support, but it still hurts. I guess my own fault for believing his bs.

[harvej]

He is taking the role as a rescuer, getting the accolades and moving on to the next hero opportunity. Its a narcassistic/sociopathic trait. Its a slam dunk as to identifying the type of disorder you are dealing with. Run!!!!! dont walk away from him! They cannot change, YOU have to conform to this type of person. That would be a miserable existence!

[megs1000]

Thank you Harvej - I really need people to confirm these thoughts to make it easier to walk away from it. I think I've actually been blocking out most of what he's done to me, and other people, as the hurt has been so immense, and as he has girls, and friends, falling at his feet, I've been so fooled by it, and confused by it, and haven;t been able to understand it, thinking it's maybe something to do with me.

 

He borrowed £17k from his ex - promising a life together with her, meanwhile pursuing me and eventually dumping her for me (he told me she was psycho and had forced the money on him wanting to help him but she was controlling and he wanted to get out of the relationship to be with me - I believed him at the time! Now feel immensely sorry for her - she actually tried to warn me against him but I just thought she was bitter). He didn't even think about buying me anything for Christmas, when I went to so much effort for him (we'd been together 8 months), and when I bought it up he went schitzo on me, locked me out of his room and didn't speak to me for a week, including new years eve, which we had planned to spend together with mutual friends - said the reason was that I had made him feel like an inconsiderate t#sser - I spent the evening in tears with my friends, ruined it for them, and I ended up apologising to him!!!! He invited me to weddings with him, holidays with him, none of which materialised. We planned his 30th birthday party together with 80 of his friends - I'd even planned a video link up to his family back home overseas... 3 days before, he disappeared - stopped contacting me. I didn't know where he was, or how he was, or whether to just show up at the party... but was so distraught I didn't want to humiliate myself, so I didn't. I swore that was the end. The final straw. A few days later he showed up, apologising, saying I was the only thing missing to make his birthday perfect and he wished I had been there, that he was planning to propose to me at the party so I should have been there and he was sorry I wasn't, and would do anything to make it right!

 

Talk about a head f@#k.

 

Last week I found out he's been emailing an escort in Bulgaria in preparation for a trip he;s making there in a few weeks time. I also now know that he was pursuing other exes and various girls while he was with me, promising them the world, only to cease contact and leave them confused and irate.

 

Oh jeez sorry I think I just have to get these things out to make it real. To everyone who knows him he is the PERFECT guy. Handsome, charming, humble, intelligent, caring, sweet, fun and everyone's best mate. I think I have blocked out all the immense pain of these occasions (and these are but a few) and I think it will do me good to write them down here so they can seem real and I can stop blocking out what a complete d#ck this guy is (understatement). He has SERIOUS issues. I have been taken along for the ride and beated down to such a level I've begun to lose all sense of self-respect and self esteem. I'm a confident, attractive, popular person with a lot of people who love me, and I am ashamed I've let him do this to me.

 

Sorry - I think I just need to get this out. Thank you.

[loveis]

Yes dearie. I know all about it.... I dated a guy for 2.5 yrs. We broke up and 10days later he's with another chick who has bf. I hung up the phone on him said I have nothing to say to you anymore, I dont know who you are (all the talk of wanting us to work n marry me etc.) I bitterly said I hope your happy with her, take care. He hasn't emailed or anything and he wont. He has just stopped communication and left girls high and dry in the past. Some stalked him, some never spoke to him and some still try and reach out 5 and 6 years later.

Your engaging in the drama and by contacting your rewarding his awful behavior.

They are cowards.

What goes around comes around.

You need to let go.

Respect yourself! He doesn't respect you. I'm sorry but they wouldn't do that crap if they did.

Hugs,

[megs1000]

Sorry you've been through that loveis. I know that my ex has done it to many people in the past. Literally just cut contact. It's so cowardly, and obviously when the girl gets angry and upset and tried to contact him (as obviously she would) they come accross as 'psycho' to all who know him and they can see why he ditched them. Win win for him and AWFUL for the girl involved left with so many questions!!!

 

But the thing is every time I hear about these stories it's always 'we broke up' and then I never heard from him. But with my ex we never 'break up' - we never have that conversation, which would finalise things (hard as it would be) and make it easier to move on. Literally we go from being amazing, planning the future, I love you's, close as ever, to NOTHING. Silence. It's unbearable not to be able to get answers, and to know that if you try you are going to come accross as 'needy' and 'psycho'. All I've wanted is for him to have the decency and respect to at least say 'I'm sorry I can't do this anymore' or even just a simple 'it's not you it's me' would be better than to go from loveliness to being blanked!

 

Sorry venting again

[AnnaN]

My ex suddenly disappeared, too.

We were together for 4 years, never had a serious fight. If we were not together, he was contacting me all the time (I was not this kind of person, but he made me!). He was sending a goodmorning text first thing in the morning, calling during his break at work, when he was leaving work, to say goodnight, to say nothing at all...

He wanted to spend together the holidays, the weekends, his day offs.

And one day, we woke up together in the morning, he called me asking me what perfume he should buy for himself (he said I would be the one to smell it on him, so I have to like it), calls me again before entering his office, and then during his the break called me to tell me he doesn't want the relationship any more. He later told me in person,too.

 

And, Pufff! He disappeared!

[megs1000]

AnnaN wow so sorry you had to go through that! What did you do? Did you ask for reasons? Did you get any?

 

But again, I know it's awful what he did to you, and I don't mean to belittle it in any way, but he told you he didn't want a relationship - at least he had the 'decency' to do that, and then again in person (but I agree it's awful). I didn't even get that. He just stopped contacting me. And he's happily flittering on with his happy life as though I never existed! And I've not said anything!

 

I have all this pent up frustration, and now I'm going away, I'm worried that I'll wish I had something, and it may all come crashing down on me while I'm away and away from the support of friends and family - i almost want to say something almost as some kind of release so I can move on. I don't know. I know he's not worth my time or energy, but I feel the last 2 years were worth something and I want to mark an end to it in some way that shows I have some value. Maybe that sounds crazy.

[AnnaN]

He told me that he was in a relationship for 4 years and that was enough. He now wants to be single, not for dating and partying, just do his stuff, focus on his career. He loves me and I would be the one if he wanted to spend his life with someone, but he doesn't want that. The strange thing is that it was true, there is no one else in the picture, he rarely goes out. What drives me crazy is that there were no signs for this behaviour. He was the one that was calling me even just to tell me what he ate!

 

I also feel like you. I feel the need to do or say something otherwise I won't be able to move on. I keep telling myself he doesn't worth it but what about these 4 amazing years? I can't believe they worth nothing. The end might be something clear to him, but I was not prepared, didn't have any time to end the relationship inside me. It was just ended in a second and he disappeared like he never existed!

[megs1000]

How long has it been? Did you send anything after that conversation or try and contact him?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but does seem we feel a similar way. I guess hearing his reasons wouldn't help, and may hurt more, but I don;t really want to hear anything from him (unless he were the first to reach out) - i just want to say something for my own closure. But I know he doesn't deserve it.

 

I'm 100% sure he'd say he's done it because he is scared about me leaving and doesn't know how to say goodbye - as he's made similar excuses in the past. But even if that is bs I'd rather hear it, and feel he cares in some way, than just be disappeared on as thought it means zilch to him!

 

Do you think you will contact your ex again? I know it's the strong thing to do to remain nc but i think on some occasions it's ok to break it, if it is just to help you, but i have no idea whether it;s the right thing in this case, and I;m trying to make it sink in reading all the people on here urging me not to.

[chitown9]

Megs.....Megs, Megs, Megs...are you still wasting your time thinking about this idiot! Believe me when I say that in the future you will wonder why you are spent any time or energy on this guy. He is not worth 1 ounce of the time and energy you are putting into thinking about this matter. Instead, focus on your future and just know that you are so much better without him..