octour Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 When the ex tells you they are not seeing anyone and they continue to want to hang out with you a few nights a week until her new RS has been solidified, can this still be considered detaching from the relationship? Is this part of their healing? She constantly lied about seeing anybody and now they are a couple. This completely fools the dumpee so they hang around hoping that this is just a phase and they can work things out. It's completely selfish, and it doesn't allow them to grieve or heal from the breakup themselves, right? Are there any benefits to the dumpee if they want to reconcile if the dumper does this? Link to comment
Tuffly Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 No, it's not healing. It's using you until she seals the deal with the new guy because she cannot be alone. I can't think of any benefit. I think it's selfish when people do that. She lied because she was so desperate to not be alone. Some people avoid healing and grieving with alcohol or drugs. She avoids it by jumping into another relationship. Did she have any issues with her previous ex when you started dating? I would be careful of any future contact with her as they may not be entirely as sincere as you'd like it to be. Link to comment
octour Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 She never brought up an ex while we were together. (3.5 years) She did go to the bottle when she broke up with me. She was drinking and drunk almost every night including her times with the new guy. To be perfectly (and embarassingly) honest, she actually married the guy not even 2 months after our breakup. This entire thing has taken a lot more people than myself by total surprise. She was always brutally honest about everything up until this point. The fact that she lied, used, and cheated makes me think that it's not really her. I feel like an alien has taken over her body. She's 34 btw. Link to comment
octour Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 She also wanted to remain friends and she didn't understand why we couldn't be. She also showed up twice to see me where she knew I would be. I didn't want to see her and I had been NC for a month. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 My ex did that to me. He lied about not seeing a friend of ours he went on a trip with. I say not have anything else to do with her for your own sanity! Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 They aren't doing anything TO you. You are letting your ex do this. If you don't stand up for yourself and show that you value yourself, what do you expect? You don't win any favors by kissing up to them, they just grow to lose respect for you and eventually you will lose your own self-respect. Own up to how you allowed yourself to be treated and use that anger to move on and heal and stay NC. Link to comment
octour Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 They aren't doing anything TO you. You are letting your ex do this. If you don't stand up for yourself and show that you value yourself, what do you expect? You don't win any favors by kissing up to them, they just grow to lose respect for you and eventually you will lose your own self-respect. Own up to how you allowed yourself to be treated and use that anger to move on and heal and stay NC. That was the thing. She lied to me about EVERYTHING. I really didn't think she was seeing anybody. She has always been the most honest person, brutally honest. When I found out there definitely was a guy, I called her every name in the book in front of him and her father. I then went NC and was able to do it for 1 month. The she found out where I was going to be and she showed up there on purpose. I left immediately, just said hi and bye. She asked a bunch of questions about what I was up to and my plans, if I was moving, changing jobs. She even showed up the next day looking for me again with more questions. But I didn't go that does because of the weather. So I didn't allow it, she did everything she could to keep me there because I tried to go NC several times during these 2 months. And every time I tried, she went nuts. Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Sorry octour, didn't realize the specifics. It's just a lot of times on the boards, people complain about getting strung along when it's just that they are letting hope override their logic. You ex is awful and a liar and deserves what she gets from that. I hope that you've completely cut her off??? I only ask bc you say that you tried to go NC... If she wants to go nuts, too bad for her. You don't still have contact with her do you? Link to comment
octour Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 No I haven't seen her or spoken to her in any way in a month. I said try because her mom asked me for help fixing her washing machine. Her mom's really cool and I owe her for a lot of favors she has done me in the past. She told my ex I was going to be at the house and didn't want her to find out afterwards. My ex showed up there. I just answered hi and bye to her and left. The machine needed a part and I had to go back. Thought I was going to be there the next day but I didn't go. My ex showed up again asking her mother a bunch of questions about me like did I move, give up my apt, change jobs, etc. So I was trying not to see her or speak to her but she foiled that for me too. I haven't been in the same state since. I'm in FL now, that was in NJ. I'll be here for a few months working. My ex hadn't shown her face for more than 20 minutes in the last month since the wedding. So I may be grasping at straws here, but I would guess that she is still making sure I'm not that far away and gone for good. The same BS she did before she became this guy's wife. Link to comment
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