It's been a month, no progress made and I only want to get him back

[AnnaN]

My story is in my signature link.

Long sytory short, he dumped me after 4 years because he wants to be alone, he doesn't like his job, he doesn't like he's a 31-year-old living with his parents, he wants to focus on his career, he doesn't care to have a woman in his life for the next year, he is not sure if he is the commitment-marriage guy, in case he is, he will be ready in more than 6-7 years time (we had never talked about marriage and stuff like that).

Our relationship was perfect (at least to me), we never had serious fights or arguments, he never show me a sign that he was thinking of breaking up with me, we spent the previous night together, going out, having fun, making travle plans for Christmas, sleeping together. And the next day he announces he doesn't want a relationship any more, it has nothing to do with me, I was everything he could ever ask, he is still in love, he cares, but it's over!

 

It was hard to believe his reason, I admit I did some stalking and made my friends to do that, too, to find if there was another woman or if he just wanted to enjoy the sinle life with his friends (that they are all married or engaged). He only goes to work, he spends his nights at home (where parents and sibling live,too) We talked twice, casual, friendly talking, initiated by me, although he called me to thank me for texting him happy birthday). I am in NC in order to help me get better. I never cried or did the pleading thing.

 

But now I can see more clear, I want him back in my life, it is the only thing I want. After the first two weeks I did nothing, I spent the last two going out with friends (unfortunately, I have a very few friends and it doesn't help), had a trip, working a lot, focus on my studies and school, I even went on a date.

 

There is nothing that can make me feel better.

 

I have realized it more during the last days. It is worse than the beginning and then the anger part. I love him, I feel we are not finished, I didn't have the time to finish it, it was all of a sudden. I love him and I want him more every day!

 

Do I have any chance? I see threads here with confused people that the ex-dumper contacted them, and they didn't want them ,too, and I hope that there will be a time when I post something like this..

I have read so many books and articles about getting the ex back... they make me feel well, feel that I have a hope.

 

I don;t know what to do from now on. I can't let it go like this.

My father once dumped my mother claiming he was never in love with her, months later my mother tried to get him back and they got married the next year, and they are now 30 years happily married.

 

I have always been independent and happy in my single life. But why be single when I had found me perfect man? How can I let him go without trying? I want to try, I will not be able to live with the "what if's".

[utopie]

I've followed your story Anna. Yours and mine are very similar in the sense that he left for the same reasons, we never fought, and that I never begged or blamed him. I completely understand what you are going through, trust me. If there is a future for you two, you first need to get your "self" back, to feel happy on your own.You cannot have your happiness relying on another person, it is just unhealthy.Get yourself back and then, only then you should reach out to him if you feel like you still want to.

 

I know it's easy to say but I feel the same. If this guy truly wants to be with you, truly realizes he wants to be with you he will come back on his own but you cannot make him come back. You have to let him go and realize it on his own otherwise it will never work. You cannot convince someone they love you unfortunately. I'm sure with some time apart you will start to see the less than perfect features in him. Nobody is perfect, no relationship is. There is not "one" person for you but several. I'm sure you're a gem and if this guy failed to see it, then too bad for him. He will realize it in due time. If he doesn't it just means that it was just not meant to be and I know, it sucks.But know something for sure you will find another "perfect" guy.

[playstheblues]

I know exactly how you feel - I actually do, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this! Life isn't fair. I wish I could fix this for both of us right now. You are right in that our stories do have similarities. I wish I could help you and give you guidance? I guess all you can do is go with your gut instinct. Do you think you will get back together?

 

I know what you mean about knowing what you want. During the long time that I was together with my ex, of course there were periods where I would question whether this was the best thing for me. It just sucks that after the break up it seems to become increasingly clear that they were in fact the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.

 

It is heartbreaking, but the only thing we can do is let it go. I keep on questioning whether there is anything I/we can do- but there isn't. I feel sick that I just have to walk away from something that means everything to me, but I don't have a choice. Will we ever start to feel better? I hope so, but at the moment I just feel empty even though I am following the staple advice- going out etc..

 

I'm not sure about the 'how to get your ex back' books- I have never read them but I can't imagine there is anything they can tell you that other people at Enotalone can't. Of course they sell hope- that is why you feel hopeful. If they were a 'you'll never get your ex back even if you buy this book' style of thing then no one would buy them. I guess you just have to use your head. I hope and pray that you have more chance than I do, because I have given up.

[AnnaN]

Although I did the "right" things during (although I was in shock) and after bu (I only asked him whether he thought about it well and it isn't something he will change his mind about as quickly as he decided it, I told him I accept his decision, since one of us doesn't want the relationship any more there's nothing a can't do, never contacted him again to ask him to think again, to tell him how badly I feel), I don't feel well with myself. I feel like I let it go so easily, shouldn't I fight for something I want? That's how I have achieved everything in my life till now. I need to know I did something, no matter the result otherwise I will be thinking of it. He was pretty nervous about telling me and he felt relieved with my reaction, he said that. I made it so easy to him!

 

I have been both the dumper and the dumpee in the past. As a dumpee, I had once a couple of very difficult weeks, but I knew it would be over soon, and I never cared to bring an ex back. This one is different.

 

It makes it worse that there's nothing to blame him about our relationship. And that it was all sudden, I had no time to prepare myself for the end, he didn't show or did anything to help me deattach from him. I can only blame him for our break up, for being selfish, immature, coward, liar but that's only when I am angry and I want to convince myself he wasn't the right one for me.

A few hours before bu he said he loved me, he left my house, went for shopping before work, he called me to tell me about our date at night, asked me when I'd do something for my new passport (he was anxious about not getting it on time for our Christmas trip)

 

He asked me if he should buy the same perfume or a different one, I had to choose, because I would be the one to smell it on him!!! I know that's just a detail but this particular thing that happened a couple of hours before his announcement drives me crazy!!!

 

He said not to wait for him, I don't deserve this and it's not fair. He was clear, he didn't leave me with hopes. He is stubborn, I know he will never say he has regretted about something, he said he would 99% regret it, but he will live with this and learn from his errors.

 

I may have no chance, but I want to try. Although I am not able to do this right now, but if it doesn't get any better, when will I be?

I think of contacting him and be honest, say how I feel. Or ask him to meet me and don't talk about it at all. I don't know what would be better.

[Raaawr]

Hi there, I would like to first of all thank you for posting your story, I am currently in a situation where people are telling me to just sit and wait and see if she comes but I am wanting to fight, not necessarily to win her back but to say what I feel I need to say to help me move on if the worst comes and there's no chance.

 

You also seem to have had it come out of nowhere. One day my girlfriend is telling me about her plans for next summer the next shes crying saying she wants to break up. I would encourage you to try, Im going to try because I think at the very least it will give me some closure on the whole thing and I can walk away saying "I gave it one last shot, I was honest and I did my best" I cant cope with not trying and in 6 months from now asking myself what if I just tried?

[AnnaN]

I have some people around telling me to do something, and I don't know what to do, and I don't feel ready, I only know I want to try.

What are you planning to do? Just be honest with her and see how she reacts?

[Raaawr]

I have some people around telling me to do something, and I don't know what to do, and I don't feel ready, I only know I want to try.

What are you planning to do? Just be honest with her and see how she reacts?

 

Going to go over to her house. Already asked if I could see her on Sunday, she got worried and concerned and I stupidly told her nothing to be worried about. Then she told me it was a bit soon and do I expect answers and I told her no, I just want to say how I feel so she said ok. Trying maintain minimum pressure and maximum opportunity for her to call it off.

 

Im going over to sit down, apologise for my shortcomings in the relationship, list them if she wants (which she will) express that I think she is making a mistake throwing away 2 years so suddenly, explain that I understand where I went wrong, how things changed compared to how they were and tell her how I intend to improve that and be the person I once was and never make those mistakes again be it with her or another person but I would prefer if it was with her. Stay calm, ask nothing of her thoughts or feelings, not asking for a second chance and be happy and confident (not fake, If I dont feel happy or confident I wont do it as Im going over for the wrong reasons then). Then if she has nothing to say Ill get up and leave. Simple as that.

 

I just think its important to get my feelings out about the situation as the day she told me she was breaking up I made it all about her and left my self no space to talk. Cannot do anymore than that and I cannot allow myself to do any less.

 

Ill have said my piece and she will have something to think about and Ill be able to walk away knowing Ive done absolutely everything I can and slip into no contact until she is ready to make a decision. If I never hear from her again at least then Ill know, but as soon as Ive said my part Ill be ready to begin moving on.

[AnnaN]

I wish you the best Raaawr. Good luck with that. How long have you been apart?

 

I'd like to meet my ex somewhere where will be just the two of us, but he lives with his parents and sister and If I ask him to come over my place, I know he won't come.

Although the bu was friendly and his was very friendly and kind when we talked on the phone, the first time we talked, one week after bu, he said that he cares about me and wants to have contact but he is waiting for some time to pass because it is difficult for him...

He sounded pressured, like during the bu, so I don't want to make a mistake and push him away for ever. If there is a little chance for us to be together, I want to be sure I am doing the right thing, although you can never be sure.

 

Another problem is, there's nothing to apologize for, he never blamed me for something, he didn't say I did something wrong. Actually, he said the opposite. So I can't tell him that I have changed, learnt from my mistakes. It was all about him that wanted to be alone. There's not a lot I can do for that, it all depends on him and on the possibilty he reconsiders his decision.

[toby17]

I know what it's like to be left with no real explanation, even when you had some sign that it was coming, particularly when you were very much in love.

 

And I can tell you the recovery takes a long time. But I have nothing else to give you in the way of advice except it gets easier over time - and I'm saying that even tho it still hurts, it's just not raw anymore.

 

I don't know if your ex can give you an answer. But I feel like telling you that while you want to get back together, his interest for you isn't as high as yours.

[Raaawr]

Not long, its complicated situation. She broke up with me and then almost immediately changed her mind and asked for a 1 month break then a 2 week break and then a 1 week break then a 2 week break again now we on an undefined amount of time break. I dont know whats going on and honestly Ive stopped wondering, made my decisions and came up with a plan, my focus is me.

 

I would forget about driving him away or getting him back. If you cant talk to him for you and your healing and for you alone you aren't in the right place to talk to him and I would suggest you maintain your distance and keep working on yourself.

[winniethepooh]

Long sytory short, he dumped me after 4 years because he wants to be alone, he doesn't like his job, he doesn't like he's a 31-year-old living with his parents, he wants to focus on his career, he doesn't care to have a woman in his life for the next year, he is not sure if he is the commitment-marriage guy, in case he is, he will be ready in more than 6-7 years time (we had never talked about marriage and stuff like that).

If he's not willing to talk about these things with you within a relationship, and leaves you, then I think it's important for you to focus on leaving him alone. It's difficult for you but anything else is unlikely to help in terms of getting back together with him.

 

And the next day he announces he doesn't want a relationship any more, it has nothing to do with me, I was everything he could ever ask, he is still in love, he cares, but it's over!

Those sort of comments don't help you, it sounds like he's trying to make you feel better (out of guilt perhaps) but it has the opposite effect, it just confuses you more. All the same, there's little that you can do at this point but let him go.

 

It was hard to believe his reason, I admit I did some stalking and made my friends to do that, too, to find if there was another woman or if he just wanted to enjoy the sinle life with his friends (that they are all married or engaged).

Not a good idea. You still won't know what's going on in his head. And it will increase the turmoil in yours.

 

We talked twice, casual, friendly talking, initiated by me, although he called me to thank me for texting him happy birthday).

He left you which forces you to choose between respecting and accepting that by leaving him alone, or dragging out the break-up by contacting him (for whatever reason).

 

Unless he's deliberately playing games, but then it's even more important to leave him alone.

 

But now I can see more clear, I want him back in my life, it is the only thing I want.

Ok, but unless he's under the impression you didn't want to be with him, there's little point in telling him that now. And anyway, you're still in emotional turmoil so what you want might change in time.

 

There is nothing that can make me feel better.

There is, you just haven't found it yet. Keep looking

 

Do I have any chance?

Any chance of what? Reconciliation? Well, hypothetically, anything is possible, but realistically, it's important for your healing at the moment to do your best to let go of that hope. Otherwise you will continue to have urges to try and communicate with him, and given what you said about the way he left you, I can only see that you doing that will drag out the break-up and drive him further away.

 

I see threads here with confused people that the ex-dumper contacted them, and they didn't want them ,too, and I hope that there will be a time when I post something like this..

I have read so many books and articles about getting the ex back... they make me feel well, feel that I have a hope.

You have conflicting hopes

 

My father once dumped my mother claiming he was never in love with her, months later my mother tried to get him back and they got married the next year, and they are now 30 years happily married.

Ah, that's a great story ... for your mother and father. But in a way, it's not helping you to hear that, because it increases your hope of reconciliation. Your ex is not your father, and you are not your mother.

 

I have always been independent and happy in my single life. But why be single when I had found me perfect man?

Ah, isn't that the irony? When we're happy and independent when we're single, that's often when we find a great partner.

 

No man (or woman) is perfect though.

 

How can I let him go without trying? I want to try, I will not be able to live with the "what if's".

It's frustrating for you because you feel that there are things he's said that are worth talking about, to see if you and he can build a better relationship. But he has removed himself from the communication process, leaving you with no choice. I've been going around in the same circles, trying to think of a way to start the communication process with someone who doesn't want to communicate. I haven't thought of a good way to do that. I don't think there is one. So all you can do is focus on letting go

[AnnaN]

winnie thank you for your time replying to this.

I need to see things written in order to realize what is the best for me to do...

[playstheblues]

It's frustrating for you because you feel that there are things he's said that are worth talking about, to see if you and he can build a better relationship. But he has removed himself from the communication process, leaving you with no choice. I've been going around in the same circles, trying to think of a way to start the communication process with someone who doesn't want to communicate. I haven't thought of a good way to do that. I don't think there is one. So all you can do is focus on letting go

 

I can say that even when the other person does communicate with you, i.e. contact you, as my ex was doing, it doesn't make it any easier. I wish I had an answer that could help both of you. I'm in NC for 8 days and starting to panic- wishing that he would contact me even though I've asked him not to unless it's important. I don't know what is best. I've had to let go too- I don't think talking to people when they are convinced they have made the right decision by breaking up with us will do any good. I once thought that people usually know the truth when they hear it (so I wanted to tell my ex a few home truths) but then I realised that he will make himself believe only what he wants to believe - I'm not sure how your ex's are?

[winniethepooh]

I can say that even when the other person does communicate with you, i.e. contact you, as my ex was doing, it doesn't make it any easier.

Yes, quite right. If they walked away, it then sends conflicting messages and increases your turmoil and confusion. Unless they are absolutely clear in their communication to you (usually unlikely immediately after a break-up since they are going through their own turmoil).

 

I once thought that people usually know the truth when they hear it (so I wanted to tell my ex a few home truths) but then I realised that he will make himself believe only what he wants to believe - I'm not sure how your ex's are?

People only accept the "truth" (usually) when they believe it. Any "truths" that you might tell him now are likely to conflict with what he believes and so he will find a way to dismiss them as "non-truths."

 

but then I realised that he will make himself believe only what he wants to believe

I expect we all do that a bit.

 

I'm not sure how your ex's are?

She believed she was doing the right, or best, thing. I didn't think so, but maybe she was. What was important for me to accept was that she didn't want to discuss it.

[AnnaN]

playstheblues

I believe that my ex tried to convince himself, too. I also have reasons to believe that there were other people who had contributed to his decision. Like his family. I know for sure that his mother and sister didn't want him to have steady relationship because it made him think to move out. (I know the reasons and what they were doing all these years to achieve this, but there is no need to write them now). I focus on him and what he did, if he leaves other people to decide for him, too bad for him. And that's a reason he was feeling depressed, he wanted to live alone or with me but he couldn't take the decision.

 

So I think that at the beginning he might have been unsure, have doubts, but now that he's spending all his time with them, they have convinced him that it was for his best. This way he also finds comfort. He always wanted to know he did the right thing, even if he didn't. He would defend his decision no matter what.

 

That's why at the beginning he wanted to keep it secret from his friends, knowing they won't approve the break up and he couldn't stand them telling him he might be wrong or that he should rethink about it. I know he went out with his best friend 3-4 days after bu and he didn't tell him. I met him and he was like nothing happened, he suggested to do something all together, (we had a long time to do something), he knows how much in love we are but there is no need to be always just the two of us. He didn't know anything and I didn't know what to say...

 

He almost never logs in Facebook and he had never written anything all these years and was making fun of all those who write "philosophical" things and quotes. A couple of weeks ago he wrote "we act with no prior thinking, we are scared to love and be loved, we leave because of fear and finally we die withouth having lived"

 

I believe that no matter how confused he was, he tried or is still trying to covince himself, it would have driven him crazy living with questions or doubts.

[AnnaN]

It's Saturday night and I am at home alone. I decided to be on my own tonight, what's the point of going out again if I don't feel like that?

Stupid enough, but I know that if I had taken my car I would have done some stalking again, to see if he is at home.

He is always at home (embarassed to know...) but one night he will not be, his car won't be outside and there will be no light in his room. I don't want to know it, although it doesn't mean anything. I am not going to do this again...

[AnnaN]

I will keep posting in this thread, I know you may got tired of me, but it helps me writing things.

Today I went out for launch with my family to celebrate mother's birthday. I felt really bad, I can't explain why, I was siiting on the table and all I wanted was to start crying... Before that, I spent some time with my mother who is the only one who knows the story. She told me that I should do something if I want reconciliation. I told her I don't care, yes, I am still sad but I don't want him in my life any more and I named a few reasons. It made me feel better at that tme.

Tonight I have to travel for work, he was always driving me at the airport, I was always calling him when I landed, we were always talking on the phone at nights that I was alone at the hotel room. Nothing of these will happen now, for the first time. It will be a difficult week and I am also scared that i will be a total disaster at work, I prepared nothing as I should etc... I've done this before but I was always positive so it ended positive.

My skin is also reacting, I developed some kind of acne because of stress and bad sleep the last days, (I have been always concerned about my appearance and taken good care of it) and I have to cover them with make-up while I cannot even look at myself in the mirror.

 

Everything that happens moves me back, I want him back, we are one months post bu and 2 weeks no contact. He said he cares and wants us to contact, but he did nothing, I did nothing, so nothing happens. I can't believe he doesn't care if I am alive or dead. I see here stories with bad break ups where the dumper reaches out, out of curiosity, interest, whatever, not necessarily wanting to reconcile. My ex doesn't care at all.

 

I keep finding post its or notes at the pages of my books. Hw was leaving them secretly so I'd see them at work or at class, saying I love you, I am so happy to have you in my life (this last one had a date one day before bu). It really makes me want to throw the books in the fireplace!

 

I expect this week to go, be less pressured with work and think about my next moves.

Is it a month of NC and 6 weeks after bu the right time to contact him? Should I wait more? I don't have much hope to reconcile but I want to do something, I want to try and I don't want to do at the wrong time and push him away.

I sound pathetic, I may am, for the first time of my life, but I know I want to do it. I just don't know what to do...

[lemonhaze]

You're starting to sound pretty desperate, no offense. I'm kind of in the same situation as you, broke up after almost 4 years and haven't heard anything from my ex, it just means that they don't want to talk to you right now.

 

In the OP you state:

 

I am in NC in order to help me get better.

 

Now it just seems you're waiting for a moment to contact him again when you think he changed his mind. I know it's difficult but you should stay strong, contacting him and getting shot down (the most likely option right now) will hurt you more and set back your healing.

[AnnaN]

You're starting to sound pretty desperate, no offense.

 

 

I'm aware of it and it makes me scared. I am more desperate than the first days.

I am trying to move on, I have also tried to pretend I'm moving on.

I stayed in, I went out, met new people, went on a date, wrote assignments for university, now I'll be travelling for work for 3-4 days.

No result so far.

[winniethepooh]

Is it a month of NC and 6 weeks after bu the right time to contact him? Should I wait more?

There isn't a rule (well, I suppose it depends who you ask). I would wait until you DON'T want to contact him (and then wait a few more weeks at least), then decide whether or not to contact him. I know that sounds perverse, but it will make more sense when you get there.

 

I don't have much hope to reconcile

That's a good sign. Painful I know, but it means you're healing.

 

but I want to do something, I want to try and I don't want to do at the wrong time and push him away.

I sound pathetic, I may am, for the first time of my life, but I know I want to do it. I just don't know what to do...

Oh, I thought you didn't have much hope ? Doing nothing IS doing something ... About yourself. And that's the only person you can do anything about at the moment. Keep going.

[AnnaN]

Doing nothing is doing something?

 

Well, it appears that I am doing nothing but I am thinking of doing something, I am not sure what yet, but I'll get there. Of course I want to do it for myself. I was happy with this man and I want him back in my life. It is something I want for myself, being happy again WITH him. I know this would be the best for me, have a second chance. I don't want another man, I don't want to the single self-improved woman. I want him for my own sake, nothing more.

[magnoliatree]

There really comes a point where you have to start letting go and I truly think that you've reached that point. I'm telling you, letting go and being willing to lose this guy is the only way to get him back. People don't gravitate towards those who are desperate to be with them, they don't make those people their partners. You must gather up your strength and start to move on. If he can feel any of your desperation, it will push him away and will repel him (if it already hasn't). Making your happiness revolve around another person like this is an incredible amount of pressure. He is taking time to himself, I really think you should follow his lead and do that same for you.

[AnnaN]

At least he doesn't know how desperate I am...

I really want to let it go, I just can't. And I didn't deserve be treated like that, I was really hoping he would see it.

And I don't deserve what I am doing to myself but I can't help it. As I said I tried everything that could make me feel a little better and distracted. A few times it worked but only for some hours. I keep waking up in the morning feeling sick and I am sick, my body reacts really bad. I have also lost weight, I don't know how much any more, I am afraid to see it, I had been on a plan to gain weight, seeing it will freak me out more.

I really want to leave my studies and the recent project I got after two years that I was trying hard, I can't see myself going nowhere at the moment. I think I could just have my job.

The reason I haven't stopped my school yet is because I don't want him to know. And as I hope to reconcile I don't want him to ask me why I did this, I could not tell the truth, I would never want him to know what he did to me.

[magnoliatree]

And I don't deserve what I am doing to myself but I can't help it.

 

You can help it. You have to accept that it is over. Don't entertain thoughts about getting back together, don't let your mind wander with what-ifs. Just tell yourself that it is over and that he is gone. Nobody is worth this kind of anguish. Nobody. You have experienced the end of your relationship not your life. Focus on the good things that you have. You can start to move on if you really want to, but I think that you don't want to. Make the decision today to move forward - nobody else can do it for you, hunny.

[utopie]

I know how you feel Anna. I know everybody tells you "it will get better" but it actually does. I am just like you right now. I was fine the last couple of weeks and I don't why but this week I just miss him terribly, I have hope he'll come back, I have almost no appetite, I cry a lot, blame myself for the BU, etc. We've been broken up for 2 1/5 months and NC for 1. I guess it's just cyclical and it will pass but please don't quit your studies. You cannot let another person ruin your life. Eleanor Roosevelt was right when she said "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission". You are young (27), intelligent (you study) and have a heart that is capable of love these things are part of you and they were not stripped from you. In a year from now, you might be looking at these posts and think "boy why did I get in such a state over this guy?" or not. Take it as a true learning experience. You'll find a man who will cherish your love and not reject like he did because this is what our exes did. It doesn't make them bad people really but it means we are not meant to be together I guess.