coastalchick Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 So here's the story-- My ex and I broke up three times and he cheated on me, but i forgave him for that and we've been massaging the "friends with benefits" things for a couple of months. The kicker here is that he's been depressed about the girl he cheated on me with because apparently she doesn't seem very interested in having a relationship with him, so I've been trying to help him cope. (Yes, VERY stupid on my part, I know!!) Well, I got sick of it and realized that I was getting too emotionally involved and he didn't seem grateful that I was there for him even as a "friend," so we didn't speak for 4 weeks. I didn't call him and he didn't call me, which burned like hell. I thought "enough is enough," so I mailed his belongings back with no note or explanation. He immediately called me, but I didn't pick up, so he called again the next night, but I ignored it again. It was the hardest thing to do, but I felt that it needed to be done because I was not strong enough to hear his voice and stick to my convictions. I needed time to formulate my thoughts and really sort out what I was feeling. The week after it was his birthday, so I sent him an ecard to wish him well and he wrote back, which SURPRISED me. I only expected him to read it and nothing more. He thanked me for the card and added "you're the only one who remembered." Question--Why would he say that? Why add that bit of info that I feel is irrelevant? I foolishly sent him an email after that asking if we could talk about the package that I had mailed him. My intention for doing that wasn't to try and reconcile our romantic relationship. I simply wanted to talk about why I did it and maybe apologize for not picking up his phone calls. I wanted to officially end our relationship on a friendly note, and to ask if I could pick up my belongings. No word from him and it's been days. Should I call him? My ego tells me not to because I'll seem desperate. I don't know his reasons for ignoring my message. Is it a game to him now? At this point, I'm kinda like "whatever" with the situation. I'm not hurt, but disappointed and a little irritated that he doesn't feel the need to put this to rest in a mature way. Or, should I forget about my belongings and move on? He has my bicycle, helmet and lights. I could replace them, but it would cost me $$$. Did he throw them out already? Thoughts? Thank you everyone. I appreciate your help! Link to comment
gal1989 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Hi there! I did the same thing recently, tried to arrange to get my stuff back an give my ex his stuff back too. He was being an ars* and didnt reply. So I rang him after about 2 months of not hearing his voice/seeing him and not hearing off him VIA text for 2 weeks. He came and got his stuff and I got (most) of mine. So I would say call him, and tell him straight away that the call is strictly just for getting your stuff back and nothing else, like I did. Gal x Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Get your stuff back, then get away from him. FWB is such a rotten deal. At least one person is getting used, and it sounds like you. You deserve better Link to comment
gal1989 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Get your stuff back, then get away from him. FWB is such a rotten deal. At least one person is getting used, and it sounds like you. You deserve better What does FWB mean? Link to comment
chitown9 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 What does FWB mean? FWB=friends with benefits Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 What does FWB mean? Friends with benefits. In theory a sexual relationship with emotional detachment, between friends. In practice it usually results in an imbalance in emotional attachment, and one or both end up hurt. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Should I call him? My ego tells me not to because I'll seem desperate. I don't know his reasons for ignoring my message. Is it a game to him now? At this point, I'm kinda like "whatever" with the situation. I'm not hurt, but disappointed and a little irritated that he doesn't feel the need to put this to rest in a mature way. It sounds like "he put this to rest" a long time ago, when he made the choice to cheat on you the first time. Instead of demoting yourself to becoming his FWB's, standing up and respecting yourself would do wonders for your self-esteem. I would stop fishing for excuses to contact him, and start the process of putting the focus on your own well being. Link to comment
winniethepooh Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 My ex and I broke up three times and he cheated on me, but i forgave him for that and we've been massaging the "friends with benefits" things for a couple of months. That sounds like a complicated and difficult way to resolve things and build a better relationship, especially given the history of break-ups and cheating. The kicker here is that he's been depressed about the girl he cheated on me with because apparently she doesn't seem very interested in having a relationship with him, so I've been trying to help him cope. (Yes, VERY stupid on my part, I know!!) Well, yes, trying to support your partner in these circumstances is not at all healthy for you, or the relationship. Well, I got sick of it and realized that I was getting too emotionally involved and he didn't seem grateful that I was there for him even as a "friend," so we didn't speak for 4 weeks. You weren't there as a "friend," you couldn't be because the nature of your attachment to him was that of a romantic partner, and the way you were supporting him was conflicting with that role. You were helping him to heal over the loss of another romantic partner, which drains you, and at the end of it, you don't know how he will feel towards you. Neither does he. But I doubt it would be good for the chances of you and him having a relationship. I didn't call him and he didn't call me, which burned like hell. Yes, I bet it did. I thought "enough is enough," so I mailed his belongings back with no note or explanation. Fair enough, I don't think that was a bad thing under the circumstances. But were you trying to provoke a reaction from him? He immediately called me, but I didn't pick up, so he called again the next night, but I ignored it again. It was the hardest thing to do, but I felt that it needed to be done because I was not strong enough to hear his voice and stick to my convictions. I needed time to formulate my thoughts and really sort out what I was feeling. Fair enough too. The week after it was his birthday, so I sent him an ecard to wish him well That's going backwards for you. and he wrote back, which SURPRISED me. I only expected him to read it and nothing more. He thanked me for the card and added "you're the only one who remembered." Question--Why would he say that? Why add that bit of info that I feel is irrelevant? Maybe he's trying to provoke more of a reaction from you. It wasn't a question, so if you want to be on a path of complete disconnection from him (which you need to do if you want to get over him), don't respond. I foolishly sent him an email after that asking if we could talk about the package that I had mailed him. Ah. Ok, so you did respond. My intention for doing that wasn't to try and reconcile our romantic relationship. Are you sure? I'm not convinced. I simply wanted to talk about why I did it and maybe apologize for not picking up his phone calls. I wanted to officially end our relationship on a friendly note, and to ask if I could pick up my belongings. No word from him and it's been days. Should I call him? No. My ego tells me not to because I'll seem desperate. Yes, that's how it would seem to me. I don't know his reasons for ignoring my message. Is it a game to him now? Maybe it is. Maybe deliberately, maybe not. At this point, I'm kinda like "whatever" with the situation. I'm not hurt, but disappointed and a little irritated that he doesn't feel the need to put this to rest in a mature way. I'm not sure there is an easy way to put this to rest now. I don't think you're completely "whatever" with the situation (because you posted here in the first place ). But before you think about any further communication with him, try and be clear about what you want. A relationship? FWB? Move on and get over him completely? I don't think FWB or just friends without benefits are realistic options for either of you at the moment - sounds like you both need to untangle yourselves emotionally from the current situation, and that takes time and separation from each other. Or, should I forget about my belongings and move on? He has my bicycle, helmet and lights. I could replace them, but it would cost me $$$. Well, enough $$$ that it's worth the emotional turmoil to try and get them back? Or can a mutual friend go and collect them for you? Did he throw them out already? I don't think anyone here can answer that for you, unless they're your ex or know him . Thoughts? I don't see any benefit to you out of a conversation about the package you sent him. It's sent. It's done. I think if you really did want to say something to him, it would be along the lines of your relationship with him has ended, and you and he have to respect each other's need for healing by leaving each other alone. If it was clear that he left you, you could spin it slightly differently so that that's clear by saying you will respect his decision to leave by leaving him alone, and would ask he respects your need to heal by leaving you alone. And perhaps add that you will arrange with xxxx (a mutual friend - and stress to them they should not talk about you or the relationship with him) for them to come and collect your things from him. Link to comment
coastalchick Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Thank you to everyone who has replied! I know, I know FWB is never a good thing. I got caught up in it foolishly thinking that if there were still feelings between us then that means we can try again even though I knew he treated me so badly. Cheating means he left me a long time ago, but I didn't want to accept that. I've considered asking people to pick up my stuff, but that's not possible since he is not communicating with me. I guess the part that hurts is that when HE wants to communicate with me he does, but when he doesn't he ignores me. In a way, I feel a little guilty for not picking up his phone calls, but in the end, I had to think about myself and I just wasn't ready to talk to him. I didn't send his stuff back to solicit a reaction. I honestly didn't even think he would contact me because he seems so into himself. I HAD to send his stuff back because having it in my presence made me feel like I was forever tethered to him. I couldn't start the journey to healing. I would always have a "reason" to contact him and I just didn't want that. At the time, I thought it was a great idea, but maybe it wasn't? I'm "whatever" about the situation in the sense that I've come to accept things as they are. If he calls me then cool, but I'm also aware that he won't and need to suck it up. I know I shouldn't have sent that ecard after I mailed his stuff back, but in the end I'm a human being with feelings, and truly wanted to wish him a good one b/c I still care. My goal for wanting to talk to him is simply to say that we are fcked up as a couple, but I hope that with enough time apart, we can BOTH heal, lead our separate lives yet maybe become friends. Maybe not best friends, but at least have some level of respect for each other, so that if I see him on the street, I won't run the other way or feel sick to my stomach. I've always been an advocate for communication and to end things cordially, but at the same time; I understand that life doesn't always work out that way. I guess right now it's not working out that way and it hurts, which is why I posted on this forum. I'm not asking for pity or to be judged, just want a way to rationalize these feelings and to hear stories from people who've had similar experiences. And, I guess I'm hoping for a better reason than me thinking that he's simply an uncaring @$$hole, which is probably the cold hard truth. Link to comment
coastalchick Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 @HeartGoesOn "I would stop fishing for excuses to contact him, and start the process of putting the focus on your own well being." -- I agree... Link to comment
Eocsor Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 He's an uncaring @SS. End of story. Forget the friendship, it won't work. And really who cares, You certainly shouldn't. Link to comment
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