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Why not to send letter to person who break your heart? Just asking...

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Maybe it is because of Thanksgiving day that I want to write him and tell him how thankful I am for a time he was in my life and how much I miss him.

I feel very sad when I see his profile picture on FB. I read so many posts about letters to you ex, which you should never send. Now I wonder why. I want to tell him so much, I want him to know how many times he misunderstood my actions and that not every time I was blamed for something, it was actually my fault. I want him to know how much he still mean to me and how I hurt each single day without him. Please, someone tell me, why it would not be good idea. I just need help, that's all.

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The holiday's are always a very difficult time when recovering from a breakup. I'm willing to bet this board doubles the number of posts (at least) regarding contacting ex's and the like simply because being alone during the holidays...sucks!


The reason you should not do it is very simple. When you hit the send button you're going to be putting yourself back a long ways in terms of your recovery. Then you're going to have to retrace those steps again and relive the pain for even longer. You hit send, now you're waiting on a reply that may or may not come. He may send you back a response that is definitely not what you want to hear. Like he has a new girlfriend now and you shouldn't speak. Imagine that.


Go through the holidays with your family and friends. If after the holidays you still want to contact him, re-think if it's worth it again.

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Sound advice.. Unless you are ready for any and ALL responses, positive or negative, you will only be harming yourself.. Thanks for reaffirming my decision.. There's nothing worse than being so emotionally wrecked that you hang on everything and anything your ex does or says.. You give up your power, your strength and your dignity.. Bad idea...

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We all relapse on our way to recovery. I stopped talking to an ex for 3 months and was doing my own thing when all of a sudden I started missing him like crazy. I ended up emailing him and although he wrote back, it was not a positive experience because it made me foolishly think that he still cared about me. That we could get back together again. Long story short, it didn't work out, so I ended up with another broken heart and needed to start the recovery process all over again. Not cool.


To curb my desires to contact him yet again, I write emails to him, BUT send them to myself or a dummy account of mine. This allows me to free my thoughts and "send them off," but to a safe place. Give it a shot. It has helped me tremendously.


Also, I understand your need to tell him how much you love him, but the truth is he doesn't care. If he did, he would have emailed you already. A man will move mountains for the woman he loves, and the fact that he hasn't contacted you means he doesn't care. It sucks when you still have feelings for him, but emailing him will only make you seem desperate. Wildly desperate. And, if he doesn't answer, you'll drive yourself crazy thinking did he get the email? Did he ignore the email? Will he write back? Why hasn't he written back? And it just keeps snowballing until you're a hot mess and worse off than when you started.

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When I don't listen to my heart, I can tell you are right about everything you said. All false hopes, waiting, what if's...Then I will blame myself for everything.

But when I listen to my heart- I see excuses like " he is too stubborn to contact me first".

I can't believe that someone who was there for you for almost 2 years, shared so many details from your life and was your lover as well, can suddenly be a stranger who does not give a ... if you exist or not. I guess, I am too naive to understand that. If I dumped or heart broke someone - I would not be heartless like that.

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i agree. whenever you are tempted to communicate, just journal like what you are doing now. it worked with me and i hope it works for you also. 2 months of NC is a milestone and you do not want to go back to square one do you?


there will really be days when you do miss him, after the days when reality strikes that you are better off without him. develop a routine that works for you to divert your attention. and do that whenever you have those missing him attacks. i am sure you know what to do...


best of luck.

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@ Elizabeth


I agree with what you're saying. We tend to make excuses and defend our exes to the bitter end even when we know the painful truth. I can't begin to tell you how many creative excuses I had made for him including the "he is too stubborn to contact me first." All the while knowing that he's not stubborn, he just doesn't care. And, I agree with the sentence about "...can suddenly be a stranger," but that in itself is also an excuse to keep hanging on. The thought that we spent two years together and you can just let it end like this? And let's be honest, if you had dumped him, you wouldn't be feeling this way because you're in control of your feelings. He dumped you, so your feelings are out of whack. Sucks.

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Please, someone tell me, why it would not be good idea. I just need help, that's all.


Because you will then spend hours/days/weeks waiting for a reply. And if/when one comes you will spend hours/days/weeks analysing the reply for any hidden meaning that they are missing you as much as you are missing them. Then you will spend hours/days/weeks agonising over whether or not to reply to there first response.


It's a viscious cirlce that will only wind up making you feel worse than you already do... Believe me, it is possible!


Also, you send the letter... You are sending them another little piece of your heart. Do they really deserve it?

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It's not a great idea due to the reasons outlined by many of the forum members.. You don't want to be in that "will he, or won't he phase," First, if you send a letter, you may not even know if he got it. It will open up a whirlwind of emotions in your head. Did he get it? Did he read it? Did he simply discard it? You have to ask yourself, "Can I handle the worst response that he could give me?" Until then, it will only serve to harm your already delicate emotional state. Post here.. Write in a journal.. No Contact is the best policy until you've healed..


Good luck to you.. We all know it's extremely difficult at times.

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Pretty much agree with everyone's thoughts here both male/female perspectives. The one thing I'd like to add is, by simply asking why not to send the letter then you haven't fully gotten to that moment where you don't care what he says in reply to your letter. Give it time, don't rush into sending anything out yet. If you get the chance try and find some of Endy's posts, he has been 7 months NC with the ex and was going to send her a letter, your only 2 months down the line. It's far too soon for any of that.

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