Does the dumper care..?

[Mario043]

I'm not sure why I even wish to know, but does the dumper care about the feelings and/or pain they have caused the dumpee? Are they merrily going on with their lives while we suffer in abject misery..?

[Jetta]

Some do some don't. Really depends on a lot of factors.

[Lonelygirl123]

Mario,

 

I've been dumped by the person i loved the most. My life revolved around him, I lived my life through him. My experience says a dumper irrespective of gender never feels or even thinks about the other person's feelings, if at all they had any feelings/remorse, nobody in this world would get dumped. I got dumped recently, and guess what without any reason, I felt like a toy, once the initial excitement and joy gets over, I got thrown. I'm not sure if such dumpers even realise or miss the person they once loved or the person who gave them unconditional love. As the saying goes ' good ones are always the ones getting affected while the ones doing it go unaffected'.

 

Its unfair but that's reality.

[jumper11]

Depends on the person, but generally yes they do care. To think they don't..well, in some cases sure it's possible but generally no. Yes, they message sometimes to keep us on a string - but also- sometimes they do this out of confusion. Or leftover feelings, whether they be strong or not.

 

As my ex put it, who was the dumper, he didn't feel too much right away. Then it hits them. Basically some live in denial until it's impossible to do so. My ex came back, so hearing his words, and my experience, I can more so see it for how it is.

[thejigsup]

When I was much younger I was generally the dumpee, so I understand your question. For the last twenty years I have been the dumper, so I've seen both sides. Do dumpers care? Well, they are mostly sorry if they hurt you, but that was far preferable to them than staying in the relationship. For whatever reason, the relationship wasn't working for them (not necessarily for you) and leaving seemed the best option rather than stringing someone along. In a nutshell, most dumpers are being cruel to be kind. You don't want to play the fool and have people laugh at or pity you, do you? That's what happens when you hang on when they have mentally moved on but they stay out of pity. Much better for them to dump you and let both of you move on to the right person.

[MaryJane2011]

It depends on the case. I do care a lot about my ex whom I dumped last year. I cared about him so much that I felt being dumped...

[ironman73]

I would agree. It really depends on the person. I have been the dumper and the dumpee. Yeah, being the dumpee hurts more. But I just saw my ex today (thanksgiving) who dumped me last month and he looked to be in much much worse shape than me.

[Dezireey]

I think it depends totally on why they dumped you. Someone who dumped you because they perceived that they were treated badly by you or there was too much arguing, personal tragedy/stress etc will undoubtedly still have feelings for you, their strength of character determines if they come back or not. i.e. how strong willed are they to ignore their deep feelings and carry on without you regardless of the pain they feel?

 

Someone who dumps you because they just no longer love you or their feelings have gone and / or they have met someone else, is usually the most heartbreaking kind of dumper. These types don't usually come back, unless, given quite a bit of time, they realise ther were completely wrong and that they do still love you.

[AnnaN]

As a dumper I cared more before the break up. It made feel terrible thinking that I would hurt the other person, I was thinking of how I could make it easier for them. This of course means that I had still feelings for them, I might still love them, but I for my own reasons I believed I would be better without them.

After the break up, I care about them but in a more general way. I want them to have a nice life, it makes me feel better when I know that they have moved on and have a new relationship. But I never sat alone after bu wondering "is he sad now? he seemed to be very upset, I hurt him" etc.

 

My recent experience as a dumpee shows that being the dumpee (especially in a sudden bu without prior signs) is a lot more difficult. I still feel shocked, lost, depressed all the time and angry sometimes. It doesn't seem to be over soon. I have no idea how my dumper feels, I wish I knew...

[Mario043]

Yes.. Being on the receiving end is like having your heart cut out.. My girlfriend was so angry and not willing to communicate. I had to keep everything inside which darn near killed me.. Breaking up is one thing, but for heaven's sake allow your partner the dignity of getting his feelings out, rather than simply shutting him out.. That's what bothers me the most

[EmmieQ]

Mario,

 

I've been dumped by the person i loved the most. My life revolved around him, I lived my life through him. My experience says a dumper irrespective of gender never feels or even thinks about the other person's feelings, if at all they had any feelings/remorse, nobody in this world would get dumped. I got dumped recently, and guess what without any reason, I felt like a toy, once the initial excitement and joy gets over, I got thrown. I'm not sure if such dumpers even realise or miss the person they once loved or the person who gave them unconditional love. As the saying goes ' good ones are always the ones getting affected while the ones doing it go unaffected'.

 

Its unfair but that's reality.

 

I feel the same as you do. While breaking up with me, my ex literally said : 'If I would care enough, I would not be dumping you, would I ?'

He wanted to stay friends at first (we met once after the breakup and had a great time), but he did not keep his promise and stood me up last minute 3 times in a row, when I told him I needed to talk to him. Same excuse, he did not 'have the time'.

But he never had the guts to tell me he did not want to see me again, he kept rescheduling our get-togethers and then cancelling last minute.

When I asked him to be frank and be honest with me about if he really wanted to stay friends or not, he never answered.

So finally I understood he just does not give a damn anymore. Like I never existed.

 

So no, in some cases, the dumper just does not care.

If they would, they would make sure you are allright.

 

But I am not talking in general, just in the case you are dumped 'for no reason' and your ex just 'miracuously' vanishes afterwards.

 

And yes, as Lonelygirl states, it is unfair, but that's how it is.

[AnnaN]

I was dumped, he said he cares about me and wants us to have some contact. I was everything he could ask for, I am the perfect girl and he loves me like the first day. The reason for the bu was that he wanted to be alone after 4 years in a relationship, he hasn't achieved in life what he wanted, he doesn't want any commitment for the next years. Till the previous day he was like always, calling me, texting me, he made plans for out christmas holidays and trip, we slept together and the next day he said all these and he "miracuously" disappears! He is gone like he and me never existed. (I know there is no one else in the picture, he only goes to work and he spends the nights in his family home).

 

So I guess he doesn't care! (although it is difficult to understand how it changed overnight)

[SparklyBoots]

It is impossible to generalise on this as no two folk are the same and unless you are dealing with a robot there will be some emotions involved, both negative and positive....I have been on both ends as dumpee and dumper, and I never felt exactly the same after ending each relationship - my exh was a lying cheater and I felt a great deal of sadness as well as relief, my latest ex I have felt very sad about and I do miss him, but I did not see a long term potential so there was no point dragging things on. Yes I do care but I knew it would be best for both of us to be free. I'm not initiating any contact so he may not feel like I care, but it doesn't stop me from thinking of him and hoping he is doing fine, which I know he will be.

 

I think maybe the question is irrelevant to any pain a break up causes though - sure we would like to think a dumper cares, they may or may not, and that we did mean something to them, but that shouldn't come into the equation - the focus is on you now, not them, so s*d what they think ;-)

[Dezireey]

The times I have been the dumper I have gone out of my way to make the person I dumped a) understand clearly why I don't want to be with them anymore and b) try to be sensitive and kind to them afterwards but without leading them on. I just think most people who are dumped need closure and need things explained to them clearly. When they are just left hanging it causes needless pain and hurt and that is also what dumpees find difficult to understand. Why can't the person they were with for many years (in most cases) give them that last moment of respect as they leave them?

 

My current ex has dumped me purely because I am pregnant with his baby and he doesn't want to be a Father and not (as he says) because his feelings have gone. He swings from missing me, to not answering my texts, to telling me how miserable he is without me. Go figure. But as low as it is to dump me for that reason, he still explained and talked things (through his tears) with me and I would rather that, than just him doing a disappearing act.