How much time do I have?

[istherehope]

About a week ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. I allowed the breakup to happen, so I guess its my fault. We haven't made contact since it's happened. I need some time to figure out what I want out of life, who I am and whether I really made a bad descision breaking up.

 

Question: How long do I have before I can call her to get her back? I don't want to call her out of the blue 3 weeks from now and say I'm ready to get back together. Should I wait until I have fully figured my thoughts out, or can I call and make contact and let her know I need some time? I don't want to give her false hope, but I also don't want to wait too long before its too late.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello

 

You wrote that "I Allowed the breakup to happen" ok the question is, did you breakup with her or she with you?

 

If you broke up with her, understand that you have already broken her heart, and already lost her trust. So dont go having the illusion that all you have to do is snap your fingers and everything will be the same if you were to ask her back, and IF she accepts. It wont be the same. her heart will be scared and she wont trust you like before.

 

And your act of "Allowing the Breakup" so that you have time "To figure what you want out of life" but you dont want to lose your ex. keep her handy just in case you figure out you want to be with her again, thats real nice. So maybe youll want her, and maybe you dont, but you dont want to lose her just in case, Oh and her suffering and pain? what about those, I case they are un-important, because you are busy "Finding yourself".

 

So did I help you discover who you are yet?

[emmorey]

Hi.

 

You are doing to your ex what my ex is doing to me and it REALLY hurts. He drunkenly snogged some girl (oh, his best mates ex), it was meaningless apparently, but he says it made him realise a long-distance relationship was too hard, which I thought too, even though I'm home for 5 months. I walked away in the end because he kept saying 'I don't know what I want, I can't commit right now, you don't deserve to be treated like this' etc. I cried every night, didn't eat properly, missed my lectures (just before my exams too). Well, my girlfriends made me feel stronger, and I stopped trying to get in contact with him. I realised I didn't need to be treated like this, and that I wanted to be with someone who could offer me as much love as I could offer them. He couldn't.

 

Now, three weeks on, he's phoning etc, and we met up today for lunch - big mistake. He said I looked great, he kept going to kiss me then saying it was force of habit, he kept nearly crying then saying it was the right decision. meanwhile, i'm left sitting opposite him, my heart in pieces, wanting more than anything to be with him, scared of being alone, but knowing I can't be with someone who treats me like this.

 

Basically, I think you should:

 

Decide what you want before you get in touch

 

It is going to break her heart even more if you keep stringing her along. As it stands, you are broken up and she is probably trying to get her life sorted. Confusing her by saying you still like her while you aren't even 100% sure is misleading, unfair and hurtful.

 

Put yourself in her shoes.

 

You split up with her, she is probably gutted, and the last thing she needs is "false hope". She needs someone who loves her and is 110% sure they want her. She doesn't need to be messed around again, and to be caused so much hurt and pain once more.

 

Don't be selfish

 

Are you doing this because you still want her? Or do you just want someone by your side? You have to ask yourself that. Are you just scared she'll be with someone else? Or do you genuinely want to be with her and take care of her? These are things you must think about before you crush her hopes again.

 

 

 

I probably sound angry but your post could have been written by my ex! And if your ex is feeling anything like me, she will not want you to lead her on then drop her again. Today my ex said stuff like 'cu soon', 'call me if you wanna meet up', and kept putting his arm around me. It is so obvious he doesn't know what he wants, but seeing him brought back all the old feelings of wanting to be with him again and I cried in a toilet cubicle when he left for a half-hour! Sad or what! But it hurt SO BAD that he wasn't sure if he wanted me. He says there's no-one else, he just can't give me the love and attention I deserve because of work, college, etc. But he gives me mixed messages.

 

I think that by getting back with her when you aren't sure what you want, you will only break her heart again. She may end up resenting you for it. That is if she takes you back, but it will take a lot of trust, patience, love and understanding on your part to persuade her you won't hurt her like that again. You must think so carefullly. Be careful with her heart.

 

I hope you do what is right.