Have Thanksgiving with the ex?

[SanSerif]

Hi guys, I'll try to keep it short. My ex and I were together for 4 years, and we've basically built a really strong friendship. When things didn't work out, we both had respect for each other and still cared about one another. That was in July. You could say we were and still are on good terms. We help each other out with stuff, can laugh together, and it's not awkward in public or anything to see each other. You know how it is when you know someone that well.

 

Anyways, I'd been in a little trouble lately, we've been broken up 5 months. I crashed my car, phone croaked, had insurance troubles, etc. I asked her for help because she was the only one I knew to go to, and she was wonderful with everything helping me. I made sure to thank her often and we've been on good terms.

 

She recently made the comment that we should get together for Thanksgiving and I agreed the first time we talked about it, about 4 days ago. I didn't have any plans, I still don't really. Tonight she brought it up again as we were talking (she came by to let me use her phone to program my new one). I didn't really know what to say and some apprehension crept up on me. She made it clear that she wanted to spend it with me - I don't know why but I started to get uncomfortable. I told her I felt a little strange about it, because people will ask how I spent my holiday and things like that. I don't think I want to spark people's imaginations by telling them I spent it with my ex-girlfriend. I don't want that kind of attention, and I don't want to lie.

 

The thing is, she's told me she doesn't want to get back together, and she knows I don't...but a big part of me is wary of spending the holidays with her. Can I trust myself not to become attached? Can she? I love her dearly and we still say it once in a while, it's very mature how we're approaching our breakup. We occasionally speak about people we've met, it's a good friendship, and like I said, she's been there for me.

 

Part of me feels like a real jerk, though, because when I said the thought brings me some anxiety, she was obviously hurt, and she left, saying she didn't understand. I feel bad now, but I don't want to feel like this guilt is going to sabotage my convictions. Anyone relate?

[abitbroken]

Do you have any family you can spend the meal with? Or a soup kitchen you can volunteer at either solo or with her? Also, is the Thanksgiving going to be with her solo or with her and family and friends.

 

If you are really friends, you wouldn't worry about what other people think. But I think that because you are so worried, you guys are not truly friends yet. If you have communicated this whole time and are doing favors, supporting eachother its like you are still together but without sex in a way. It is hard to get over a 4 year relationship that quickly. I do think what part of what you are saying is hypocritical - you are trying to not sabotage your convictions....but haven't you already if you are willing to accept her help, etc, during this time? I mean, asking an ex girlfriend for support is not something that would get people talking but Thanksgiving dinner is? I would say that after accepting all that help form her, I would imagine it would feel like a snub to say no to dinner if you had no other plans. That sounds like a very one sided friendship if you mutually decided to be friends.

 

Also, why wouldn't you open the possibility of some day getting back together if you guys have such a great relationship? Why are you so worried about not wanting it to appear like that?

 

I think it might be time to talk - and perhaps if it will just be the two of you, it would give the opportunity to do so about what exactly is happening and if you can really be friends at this time. Maybe you need to go separate ways for a short while at least so you can move forward. You still sound like you are in a relationship to me in some ways.