Shes VERY upset that I need space and I feel HORRIBLE....what to do?

[Kaylan]

Ugh. So the girl I started seeing 3 weeks ago. Weve known of each other through mutual friends for a year but only started talking a few weeks back. We clicked really well. Started to really like her. We both opened up about our pasts. We had sex last week, which beforehand we talked a lot and I asked her some question regarding her sexual past. The ole number question. We shared, and I could tell she was a lil uneasy telling, and while hers was higher than mine and bugged me a bit, I got over it and went with the flow.

 

The next day I decided to ask her whens the last time she had sex before me. We didnt use a condom and shes on the pill, so I thought it was ok to ask even though before we had sex I did ask her "is this safe?". She got defensive because she felt I didnt take her word for it that things were safe, plus Im sure she thought I was judging her, which tbh I kinda was.

 

By her getting defensive and skirting around the question it made me think she did this often and/or had recently just hooked up with someone. Whatever, I got over it but then started acting weird the two days after we had sex last week. Mainly cus I have my insecurities when I start to like a chick a lot as evidenced by my previous thread. I tend to bug and start to act weird and inadvertently mess things up. I was honest with her and told her why I asked the questions and why I got weird and I told her I freak out when I start to like someone. Its due to being hurt in the past. Anyways over those two days she was obvsiouly not happy with me and when I asked if we'd just be hooking up with each other, she said she wasnt sure. Plus she was upset about my previous question as she felt they were too personal, too quick, even though she would later open up to me about some other things.

 

I was under the impression we might be just seeing each other since shes told me in convo that when she hooks up with a guy that she only focuses on him. I was trying to hammer down that we were just dating each other so things would feel more safe and because we established an emotional connection previously. Anyways since she said she wasnt ready to focus on one dude, I started to feel she may have just wanted me for sex and that there was no connection on her side of things. So I decided to hang out with this girl I used to see from earlier this fall. Even though I know I do not get along with this other girl and our relationship is volatile. Seeing as I am super honest, I let her know about the new chick, thinking that we are gonna hang out just as friends. We end up making out friday night and almost had sex but ending up fighting as we always do. Tbh I think she was just jealous of the new chick. And weve never had sex btw.

 

The next night her(fall chick), a friend of mine, and I had a bad falling out that put me in a bad mood for two days. I did used to like this chick and my supposedly good friend broke guy code and was really horrible about it that night. Both of them were and it put me in a really off mood regarding women and friends which made the new girl concerned. Tonight I told her about what happened over the weekend and she sympathized and has been nothing but awesome considering how glum I was feeling the last two days. And she didnt even become upset that I kissed that other girl I used to see. I mean esp considering she said she didnt wanna focus on one guy before, how could she get upset?

 

Things came into perspective over the last two days that I needed to let go and go after the girl I really like. Which is this chick I was seeing for 3 weeks. So I tell her I want to take her to a movie and shes like "well have to see" And then she tells me that the way I freaked out last week with my getting scared of liking her and the questions , sort of gave her pause. She said it made her do a lot of thinking and she said she wasnt ready to see anyone because shes not over her ex yet. They dated last November thru July of this year

 

So I leveled with her and told her this normally doesnt work out well and that I needed space(go little or No Contact). She was obviously upset considering how much we clicked right away and how she says she can open up to me like a good friend shes known a while. Like shes usually the first and last person I speak to most days lately. But she maintained that she doesnt want to get involved in something if shes not over her past, then we will all end up hurt.

 

So then I kept telling her these things dont work well because one person usually has to swallow emotions that dont go away when they are always around someone they have feelings for. And she said shes been there, but doesnt accept this and felt hurt and didnt wanna lose me. And she said how she could be a "honest to goodness true real friend" like Ive been saying I wanted, but that I am not allowing it to happen. I felt horrible, because this girl says she loves talking to me and interacting with me, but Im bailing. She didnt seem to understand what I said about needing to be able not to see her the way I do, so I can find someone who feels the same way I would about them.

 

Tbh, her reaction seems exactly like the way my last ex reacted before we started dating, when I said I needed some space in my first thread on this forum. Except my ex and I didnt have sex before formally dating. So its weird that she says we clicked so well, that she did previously ponder about us dating and seeing where things go, but then changing her mind because of how I was. I mean I guess it makes sense actually, but I told her I was just scared and stupid, and she hasnt seemed to factor in my hooking up with that other girl at all.

 

Ugh I just feel horrible. She shouldnt feel so bad if she doesnt feel the same way about me. Right?

[John3572]

If you needed space you should've taken it before sleeping with her. That was wrong.

[Kaylan]

I need space to get over her...shes the one saying she doesnt want to date anyone at the moment. Shes the one who said that if feelings end up being created when shes not over her ex, that we both will get hurt.

 

I liked this chick a lot from the get go. Trust me when I say I feel like crap that i may be hurting this girl. But she doesnt want the same things and how can I be just a friend so quickly after having opened up to her emotionally and physically? After us having clicked so well and having so much in common? I guess we rushed things.

 

I guess rushing happens when you click with someone right away and have a ton of passion and chemistry.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, you can't do anything about how she feels. You need space, so you have to work with that. On another note ... rushing is not a good idea ever. I would suggest using your head more next time. Good luck.

[Julia Durst]

Don't worry, she will forgive you.

Just make sure it doesn't happen next time.

[Kaylan]

I dunno. It doesnt seem to be a matter of her needing to forgive me of something I did or not.

 

But more so a matter of her feeling differently than I do at the moment, her not being over the way her last relationship ended, and her being upset that I told her I needed space to get over my feelings.

 

Either way, thanks for the optimism.