Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now and have been sexually active for almost 8 months and for the first few months of our sex life it was very hard, I was raped in my past and he's the first i've been with since, He has shown incredible patience and understanding and up until recently I've had the utmost trust and admiration for him, so much so that I was finally able to put the past in the past and have a healthy sex life. recently however our relationship has been rocky and just the other night I found out he lied about his whereabout. He has never once ever lied to me and the fact that he looked me directly in the eyes and lied when i knew the truth hurts more than imaginable. and to top it all off, the other day he called me pumpkin * * * * ?? he calls me pumpkin on occasion but i'm curious as to why he added on the * * * * this time... I do infact have large areolas and i'm INCREDIABLY sensitive about it, i really feel they are rather gross needless to say after everything thats been going on I've currently lost my sexual libido i guess? I don't even feel comfortable changing infront of him. How long will this last? how is he going to handle going from having sex about 4 times a week to not even being able to see me naked? Link to comment
Keyman Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I don't know how he is going to handle it, but I think you need to sit him down and talk to him about it immediately. Express your concerns and try to get back to normal. If he was patient and understanding before, you can both work through this together. About the lying. Do you know why he did this? Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 I don't know how he is going to handle it, but I think you need to sit him down and talk to him about it immediately. Express your concerns and try to get back to normal. If he was patient and understanding before, you can both work through this together. About the lying. Do you know why he did this? If i sit him down and talk to him about I know he'll tell me to take all the time I need, but i'm just wondering how much more stress no sex is going to put onto our relationship. to "spare my feelings" he didn't want me getting upset about something he say i don't have to worry about. he seems to truly realize lieing was the wrong approch, but i'm still doubtful because it is a very uncharecteristic thing for him to do and now i'm questioning whether or not i'm being to niave. Link to comment
Keyman Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 So, wyou would rather give up what you have over this incident? Link to comment
DN Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 As I remember, he lied over his whereabouts to cover up his smoking? Is that correct? Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 As I remember, he lied over his whereabouts to cover up his smoking? Is that correct? yes, turns out there is more. he actually got off work earlier than i was told and stopped at a bar. Link to comment
DN Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 And that is bad because ...? Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 And that is bad because ...? being at a bar is dangerous b.c he has a drinking problem. I've never told him bars were not allowed, he's shown me he can behave but idk why it was necessary to lie about this time. not to be rude but, you really are not helping answer my question Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Does he often lie to you, or was this just a one-off? If it's the latter, let it go. By all means keep your eyes open, but people do make mistakes and slip up in the heat of the moment. I absolutely in no way condone lying, but if I recall correctly from you thread about this, it was concerning him lying to you about going somewhere to smoke? Yes, being dishonest was the wrong way to go about that situation, but most likely he really was nervous about your reaction to the truth and wasn't feeling too good himself about breaking his promise of quitting. Regarding the name that he called you the other day, you should tell him it made you feel bad about something you're already self conscious of, and hopefully he respects this and doesn't do it again. I realise that everyone handles things differently but I really feel that these two situations alone aren't enough to garner the reaction it's getting - going from having a regular, healthy sex life to not even wanting to get undressed in front of him. I would suggest you sit down and communicate to him how you're feeling right now instead of just simply cutting off sex because he lied about smoking and called you a name that was probably meant to be a joke, albeit a slightly tasteless one. Otherwise he will probably grow frustrated while you build up resentment for something he may have no idea he even did wrong. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 being at a bar is dangerous b.c he has a drinking problem. I've never told him bars were not allowed, he's shown me he can behave but idk why it was necessary to lie about this time. not to be rude but, you really are not helping answer my question Well, was he at the bar and talking to a friend who was having a hard time with something as its an easy place to meet, or entertaining a client? And was it a drunk bar or a sports bar that is a restaurant that happens to have a bar in it? He could have gone and drank a club soda, you know? If he was only there a short time and didn't come home in a state where he obviously had been drinking and he was stone cold sober, I think that you should not flip out. In fact, he might not have told you fearing that you might. If someone is serious about their sobriety, there is going to come a time where they walk into the forbidden building for a retirement party, a visit to a vendor or whatever and they don't drink at all. I think making one stop one time on the way home isn't something to lose complete trust over someone. I mean, I have stopped at the post office or mailbox or pharmacy or whatever on my way to my bf's and didn't tell him, not that I was hiding anything but i didn't think it was that important. If he asked, I would have said, of course. I think you have the opportunity to say "hey, you know, its okay that you stop places but I am worried about you" rather than "oh, no, he walked through the door...its the end" I think its ironic that you say he has shown incredible patience with you =yet you are really upset about this. Show him some patience, too. Link to comment
DN Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I am trying to find out why he lied because there is a difference between a habitual liar and someone who lies to avoid being pressured. If he has a smoking and drinking problem then he lies because he is addicted and is embarrassed about it. Addicts have to confront their addictions and addictive behaviours because they want to not because of pressure from their partners. And because of that you should not take this as behaviour that is about you - it isn't. It is about his addiction. So it is possible to not trust him because he is exhibiting addictive behaviours, including lying about them but trust him about his fidelity and his love for you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I don't know what he really called you because it was censored out, but sometimes things we don't like about ourselves are endearing or attractive to other people. The large or flat rear, the frizzy or "can't hold a curl" hair or a number of things that annoy us can be rather well liked by a guy who loves us. Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 it doesn't matter why he lied or about his addictions... the fact is I'm immensly botherd by them and there is no getting around it. I do not want to sleep with him till our relationship is on a healthier track. I have trauma issues, it only takes a small amount of feeling vulnarable to trigger painful memories. Link to comment
DN Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 OK, then if you feel it doesn't matter why he lied I think you should exit the relationship. Neither one of you is good for the other because of your individual issues Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 it doesn't matter why he lied or about his addictions... the fact is I'm immensly botherd by them and there is no getting around it. I do not want to sleep with him till our relationship is on a healthier track. I have trauma issues, it only takes a small amount of feeling vulnarable to trigger painful memories. It is never good to withold sex or affection as "punishment" to get someone to do something different in their daily life. I would instead, focus on communication and healing. It is not enough for him to be expected to "behave." You yourself must seek counseling and support for your trauma issues lest you take them out on him, or the next man if this doesn't last forever. Yes, he needs to seek appropriate help for his issues as well, but it is not productive to merely say you want your relationship to get on a better track and then do nothing about it except witholding sex. You have your part in making it a better relationship also, and that starts with facing your demons as well. Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 It is never good to withold sex or affection as "punishment" to get someone to do something different in their daily life. I would instead, focus on communication and healing. It is not enough for him to be expected to "behave." You yourself must seek counseling and support for your trauma issues lest you take them out on him, or the next man if this doesn't last forever. Yes, he needs to seek appropriate help for his issues as well, but it is not productive to merely say you want your relationship to get on a better track and then do nothing about it except witholding sex. You have your part in making it a better relationship also, and that starts with facing your demons as well. so i'm supposed to continue having sex with him now even if i'm uncomfortable with it and fear its going to trigger a panic attack? Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 and i'm not "witholding sex" as punishment or to get him to change.... where did you get that? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 and i'm not "witholding sex" as punishment or to get him to change.... where did you get that? You said you weren't having sex until your relationship got on a better track, implying that it is not that you have not had any sex all along because of your issues, but because of the latest doings in the relationship. You mentioned what he did and ask how to handle it in the bedroom, which applies your solution involves changing your sexual relationship alone versus talking/commnicating/being open. Link to comment
PaintWithLight Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 so i'm supposed to continue having sex with him now even if i'm uncomfortable with it and fear its going to trigger a panic attack? It sounds like you may be entering a period where you need to be alone again for awhile. It was good that you took the first step in venturing into a relationship but you are discovering that perhaps you have more work to do on yourself before you can fully trust again. Whether it is a white lie, or a insensitive name, you seem to be casting about for an excuse to pull away from him. You are already worrying about his bad reaction when the sex stops and that has not even happened yet. It just seems there is a lot going on beneath the issues you mentioned here and that is valid if you feel this way. Perhaps a small break from him would give you time to sort things out without triggering relationship anxiety on top of everything else. You feel the way you feel and only you can sort this out. Trying to explain all this to him and get him to go along with the program will no doubt be frustrating for you both. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 it doesn't matter why he lied or about his addictions... the fact is I'm immensly botherd by them and there is no getting around it. I do not want to sleep with him till our relationship is on a healthier track. I have trauma issues, it only takes a small amount of feeling vulnarable to trigger painful memories. Well then all of that does matter very much. How can you say you won't sleep with him until your relationship is on a healthier track, while at the same time you say it doesn't matter why he lies or that he has addictions - though these are things that bother you immensely? These are issues that need to be dealt with in order for your relationship to be healthy if these are things that make you feel vulnerable. As I said I think these are things you would do well to communicate to him. He won't be able to show you that he's trustworthy if he isn't made aware of the things he's done to make you feel vulnerable. To him, stepping out to a bar after work and then covering it up for fear of your reaction may be something he feels is easily dealt with, while to you it's something that has caused you to stop wanting sex. Does he know how deep this goes for you? You should be open with him about this so you can both handle it together. Give him a chance to at least know what you feel he's done wrong and fix it before you decide he's completely untrustworthy. Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 when i said it didn't matter, i didnt mean it doesn't matter to me. I ment that all your answers are revolving around that and i'm more concerned about what impact the sex is having on our relationship than explaining to you why he lied etc. He knows how deeply troubled I am, he knows what is wrong in our relationship. our communication is open. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 when i said it didn't matter, i didnt mean it doesn't matter to me. I ment that all your answers are revolving around that and i'm more concerned about what impact the sex is having on our relationship than explaining to you why he lied etc. He knows how deeply troubled I am, he knows what is wrong in our relationship. our communication is open. All of our answers are revolving around the lies and the fact that you find him untrustworthy because that is the root of the problem - you withholding sex from him. These things are causing you to not want sex with him, so these are issues that should be dealt with so that you will be able to go back to having a healthy sex life/relationship. If the only thing that you are worried about is the impact of the lack of sex in your relationship, I can bet it is going to get old fairly quick. Making a conscious decision to start keeping sex from your partner indefinitely due to other issues in the relationship that aren't being dealt with is not the way to get your relationship back on track. Deal with the problems that are making you not want to have sex with him rather than worrying about the impact the potential lack of sex will have. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Making a conscious decision to start keeping sex from your partner indefinitely due to other issues in the relationship that aren't being dealt with is not the way to get your relationship back on track. Deal with the problems that are making you not want to have sex with him rather than worrying about the impact the potential lack of sex will have. Exactly. That is right on the money. Also, if you have had sex all along, its not really fair to start playing the trauma card. If you tell him that you aren't having sex because you fear that you will have panic attacks from your trauma, he will think something fishy is going on because you've never worried about it before and it also causes things to fester. Telling him that versus talking about the real issue is just avoidance. Just say "hey Stanley, you know, I don't mind if you meet a friend for a little while after work or stop somewhere, but when you didn't tell me that you stopped at the bar and I found out, I felt like you didn't want to tell me. I have to be honest, I do get nervous when you go to a bar because I fear something will happen. But I know that I have to trust you also, because you are really wanting to stay sober and you wouldn't go if you thought it would be a problem. I am torn between being an easygoing girlfriend and trying to hold you accountable. Could we just have an understanding that you don't have to tell me what happened every minute of your day, but could you be upfront and honest with me about those things? It would make me feel a lot less worried. I rather you tell the truth." Link to comment
broken1414 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Madison - I can relate. I was raped numerous times as a teenager by a man I was supposed to be able to trust. I'm pretty well over it and the trauma that goes along with, however I know exactly where you're coming from. I lead a healthy sex life 98% of the time, but here is an example: My bf and I have been together for 10 months, we have an amazing relationship, and an amazing sex life. A few weeks ago I caught him lying to me about talking to his ex gf. We talked it out and he apologized, etc, etc. But, that night when we went to bed he wanted to have sex, and I was totally turned off. I didn't want him to touch me, kiss me, or anything. I've never been a fan of "make-up sex". If I'm feeling even a little bit insecure about my relationship, the last thing I want is sex. It's not that I'm keeping it from him, I would like to have sex, I'm just not comfortable with him touching me, etc. when I'm not currently feeling 100% about the relatinship as a whole. Does that even make sense?? Besides the issues that you (and maybe I) carry from the past, here is something that is true in most cases: Men need a good sex life in order to have a good relationship, and women need a good relationship in order to have a good sex life. I try to keep this in mind when I'm feeling a little insecure and don't want sex. My bf probably needs good sex to help him feel more secure in our relationship. Men and women, for the most part, ARE wired differently when it comes to sex. So I don't know if I have any hard advice for you, but wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. For me, it wasn't the fact that he was talking to his ex, but the fact that he lied about it. I really don't care if he talks to her, but I want him to be open and honest with me about it, instead of feeling like it's going on behind my back. It is similar for you?? Does it bother you more that he went to a bar or that he had been smoking, or it is the fact that he lied to you about it? If he had said something like, "Honey, I stopped at the bar on the way home, and had a smoke, and I'm sorry", would you still feel the same way? The thought of being lied to makes my stomach turn, and that makes intimacy uncomfortable. It's not that I WANT to withhold sex, it's just that it makes me feel very uncomfortable when there is a issue (especially a trust issue) at hand. I guess I just need to feel like I can REALLY trust the guy if I am going to be intimate with him. Link to comment
Madison_91 Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Oh my gosh, you nailed it right on the head! thank you so much for understanding me! I HATE that I have zero desire to sleep with him, I can only imagine how it makes him feel thinking i'm not turned on by him but i just can't bring myself to do it. like you said I'm feeling to insecure. It bothers me a great deal more that he lied, and he knows that. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.